Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi
A bit apprensive on here. First time.
No diagnosis but partner exhibits many traits of asperger's. I'm convinced. Can't talk to him about it, scared. He has a temper. I was naive and young when we married.
I'm lonely and want to leave. I can't. No way back. Can't deal with it. It's my life too.
Anyone else living this way?
Thanks
OMO
Hi Onmyown:
I'm 26 yrs married, hubby diagnosed twice, 10 & again about 6 yrs ago. There are good, wise people here & no need to be apprehensive. Below I've pasted in something you & others in long-term NT-ASD relationships might recognize. While the author advises good therapeutic intervention, I have not found that golden panacea yet & don't expect to. I'm betting instead on learning what I can & trying to implement what I can. But you're really not entirely alone - something I forget far too often myself. Perhaps you can relate to the below & find help here to survive amongst those who understand too.
"
April 20, 2016 • By Sarah Swenson, MA, LMHC, GoodTherapy.org Topic Expert
Author’s note: A caveat before we get into the substance of this article: couples counseling with a skilled therapist can greatly help couples in which one partner has the symptoms or diagnosis of autism spectrum (ASD)/high-functioning autism. This article describes the path followed by many women whose husbands are not diagnosed and who did not have successful couples counseling support to help them understand their differences. I write here about heterosexual married couples because these are the couples I see most frequently in my practice, where most often it is the man who exhibits the characteristics of ASD. This is not meant to imply only heterosexual couples face these issues or only men can have problematic ASD.
When a neurotypical woman is married to a man who has the behaviors associated with autism spectrum (ASD), several things typically occur. Over the course of her marriage, she experiences herself as gradually disappearing. In the place of her former self emerges a person she barely recognizes. She is so lonely. So hurt. So … angry. She feels isolated, as her social connections have gradually diminished. She feels misunderstood by everyone who knows her, so she has learned not to talk about her “problems.” She starts to feels crazy. She also feels guilty, because her husband is a good man.
This result can be seen in the following modified example from my psychotherapy practice:
A woman in her mid-50s came in for her first appointment. She seemed unsure of herself, eyes downcast, behaving as many women do when they first arrive. I recognized the familiar look of bewilderment, explained by others before her as wondering whether they are going to make sense when they begin to speak, of whether I will view them as whiners, or whether they may be wasting my time.
Before taking a seat, she handed me her curriculum vitae. Many pages long, it was heavy in my hand.
“This is who I used to be,” she said.
At a glance, I could see that among other things this woman had successfully argued a case in front of the U.S. Supreme Court. Sinking into the chair in my office, however, she appeared too meek to look me in the eye as her tears began to form.
“I think my husband has Asperger’s. I don’t know, though. Maybe it’s me. Maybe there’s something wrong with me,” she said. “We have been married for 20 years. I don’t mean to say anything bad about him. He’s a good man. But I need a divorce. And my children think I’m a crazy person.”
Then the tears came in earnest.
“It’s such a relief to be here. People don’t believe me. I stopped talking about this a long time ago.”
I have seen this many times. On one occasion, a woman told me, “My husband has Asperger’s.” Then she began to cry, could not stop, seemed uncomfortable for not being able to compose herself, and left the office without uttering another word.
There are women who work with me for several months and can still feel blindsided when something comes up at home that they misinterpret from a neurotypical (NT) perspective instead of considering the implications of ASD. They continue to be surprised at the gap between themselves and their husbands. The pain they feel when they recognize this gap catches them like a stab to the stomach.
What has happened to these women? It’s difficult to see the process while it is going on, just as it is difficult to see the effects of water drops on granite minute by minute. But changes that are negligible day to day are incontrovertible over the long term. With time, granite that once held the characteristics of a unique natural form is visibly reduced to a smooth, monolithic surface.
Instead of drops of water, women married to men on the spectrum are struck by pain from unrelenting moments of being reflected inaccurately in the place they look most often for reassurance: the eyes of their husbands. And over time, they begin to interpret what is reflected to them as a reliable representation. They try to alter their own perspective, their own aspirations, their hopes and dreams, to bring them into line so they are consistent with the way their husbands treat them. The lonely process of love and guilt and shame rips them apart.
It starts like this: a man on the spectrum (most often undiagnosed) marries a woman for all the qualities he admires, but once the wedding is over, those very qualities become the things that spark the most unsettling experiences for him. She is outgoing socially, has interesting things to talk about, and is engaged in intriguing professional activities. She is well-regarded, confident, and kind.
For her part, she finds his thoughtful attention and his stability comforting. She is also drawn to what she takes to be his reticence. She admires his ability to maintain his focus so intently and to be so successful in his work.
To a man on the spectrum, however, living with a person who has these qualities may be predictably uncomfortable. Where he seeks equilibrium in order to feel he understands the world around him, she seeks—and represents—novelty, as a result of the very curiosity that made her the woman he initially admired.
His constant anxiety related to living in what feels like an alien culture is soothed by predictability. This would be facilitated by the presence of a partner who complies with his view of reality. This is not because he sets out to manipulate her. It is because his fundamental concepts are threatened by hers. His anxiety grows with his fear of doing “something wrong” because he is never quite confident about what the “right thing to do” might be.
From her perspective, his thoughtful attention may have disappeared the very day of the wedding. He quickly became self-involved and aloof. The stability she admired slowly shows itself to be profound inflexibility. The reticence does not point to the underlying wisdom she assumed was present; she now sees that it comes from his not knowing what to do or say. And his inability to focus on her has come to mean she exists outside his field of interest, where he is apparently content to relegate her.
We can look at birthdays to explore the dynamics common to interactions between partners in an ASD/NT couple. When he does not acknowledge her birthday, and she asserts that his behavior has upset her, he may respond that he did not mean to upset her; therefore, she shouldn’t be upset. Or he might tell her that because birthdays come once year and everyone has them, they are no big deal and she should stop making such a big deal about them. Or he could tell her they celebrated her birthday last year. Or that birthdays are for children. In other words, he may hold her to the same idea regarding birthdays he holds himself. He may criticize her to the degree that her feelings about birthdays differ from his. He will miss her distress.
As a result, she doesn’t have the opportunity to celebrate her birthday, something which is generally understood as a common social convention in our culture. She also feels rejectedby her husband over the belief her birthday is worth noting in the first place. She asks herself why such a little thing as a birthday seems so important to her. She wonders whether she is being juvenile, as he suggested. She sees he doesn’t care one way or another about celebrating his own birthday, after all.
She decides he is more mature than she is and attempts to comply with this idea of “maturity” by trying to ignore her own birthday. It doesn’t work. All her friends and family members mark their birthdays in some way. She sometimes has to explain to them why hers was overlooked. On occasion, she makes up stories about her birthday so people won’t feel sorry for her. She feels rejected, as well as foolish for being immature.
Overall, she is sad and lonely, still wondering why she can’t seem to make a point on her own behalf that she’d enjoy at least a card acknowledging her birthday, even though birthdays may not be important to him. But over time, she has learned further discussion is hopeless on a subject like this. She won’t say anything else about her birthday. She has learned such a conversation isn’t a discussion at all. It feels more like a pedantic correction of yet another one of her stupid ideas. And it will leave her upset, possibly in tears, with nowhere to go but inside.
She continues to celebrate his birthday. She makes certain the children’s birthdays are acknowledged and celebrated. She is now operating from the notion that her own birthday is a nonevent. It does not get mentioned because she does not bring it up. Her children, even though they are young, are noticing mommy’s birthday doesn’t matter, however. Daddy’s does. Theirs do. Mommy’s doesn’t. They do not understand it is Mommy herself—and without help from Daddy—who makes all the other birthdays happen. By complying with her husband’s view of things, however, in order to avoid the pain of being criticized about it once again, she has taught her own children that Mommy’s birthday doesn’t matter.
It is fair to wonder why a woman can’t decide to celebrate her own birthday on her own terms, regardless of what her husband thinks about it. In most cases, this would be a valid point. When ASD is present, though, the calculus is different. She can celebrate. She can bake a cake. She can buy herself flowers and even make reservations to go to dinner that evening. If she does, however, her husband’s attitude will be clear to her and to the children, whether he says anything with actual words or keeps his silence. It will be obvious to all concerned that he does not approve. He will comply to a minimum degree. He will participate begrudgingly. He will damn with faint praise. He will stonewall, which means he will say nothing at all, when she suggests (even mildly) that he participate. She has become accustomed to his stonewalling, which Dr. John Gottman, relationship expert, believes can kill a relationship because it denies communication and denies opportunity for the relationship to grow.
The children are watching everything, interpreting it from their limited perspective and understanding. Mommy isn’t thinking of this at the time. She is not thinking the children learn how to treat their mother by observing the way their father treats her. She is operating on the assumption her children know her and love her and they see she is a good person. She is unaware that negative lifelong attitudes toward her are being formed in the young minds of the children she loves so dearly, and that these attitudes can come at her later to hurt her every bit as much as the behaviors she suffered from her husband, their father—the very behaviors that instilled these attitudes in the children in the first place. She is not thinking about the fact the children will likely remain unware they hold these subconscious notions regarding their mother, regarding how to treat her, regarding what she “deserves.” They watched how their father treated her. They learned. As adults, they may ignore their mother’s feelings and question her judgment, just the way Daddy does.
She is also unaware that in doing all the work and providing all the energy toward celebrating Daddy’s birthdays and the children’s birthdays, she is showing the children one more example of taking on both roles, Mommy and Daddy. She does it because it is important to her, for example, that the children’s birthdays are celebrated. She wants them to have fun. She wants them to have one special day a year that is all about them. She sees this as normal.
Daddy doesn’t agree, so he doesn’t participate.
Mommy does it all, from the planning to the present buying to the cake decorating, at home or at the bakery. She chats with all the parents who bring their own children to celebrate. She cleans up after the party. She is exhausted. She says so. Her husband may respond by saying, “Well, you’re the one who had to have this big party! You asked for it.” He may not help with the cleanup because, well, it was “her idea to have the party.”
The children are watching as Mommy cleans up and Daddy retreats to his study. If they get wild or misbehave, a distinct possibility after having the house full of friends and their tummies full of birthday cake and ice cream, it will be Mommy who has to enter the fray and settle things down. If she’s tired and feeling lonely and rejected by her husband, she is at her least resilient point, and she can snap unintentionally at the children. She looks like the bad guy, the parent who is “always angry.” This is how it may seem to small children.
The children are also susceptible to misunderstanding another basic fact they observe regularly. They see Mommy being strong. They see her as the one in charge of all the daily life of the family, and of all the extras (such as birthday parties, ballet lessons, soccer games, play dates), and they wonder where Daddy is. Because the reality of the situation is impenetrable and inaccessible to the children, they may create their own narratives. They may believe Daddy is a good man, yet Mommy seems to want to do everything. They determine this is because Mommy has pushed Daddy aside in order to control everything herself. Mommy doesn’t let Daddy help. Poor Daddy! Mommy is really mean.
The years go by. The children go off to college, graduate, create their own lives. Mom couldn’t be more proud of the young people they have become. She decides she can no longer survive the relationship with her husband, however. It is not unusual for women to leave these marriages once the children are at least in high school, but often the marker is when they leave the house for college. This is not an easy decision for a woman. In fact, it is brutal. And it often makes no sense to anyone who is looking in at the marriage from the outside, including the couple’s children. She must give up everything in order to save her sanity. Yes, it has come to that.
This woman has lost a partner, lost a marriage. She has also lost her dreams, her hopes. She has lost her fundamental sense of who she is. She has to mourn these losses. She then has to heal. And she has to re-create herself.
The woman by this time may have few friends, few confidants. She has learned to refrain from discussing her marriage difficulties, because the friends she has have always seen her husband as such a “nice guy” and because he is undeniably a good provider. She stopped trying to talk about it because she got tired of hearing “all marriages have problems,” she is “expecting him to meet all her needs, which is impossible for any one person to do,” and she is “misinterpreting things.”
When she finally does go through a divorce, she discovers it will take her years to sort things out. She will think she is doing well immediately afterward because it feels so good to be free from the constant state of stress and criticism. This can be exhilarating. But gradually, she learns it is a phase. And it reveals a miscomprehension of how much healing she really has to do. During this time, before she reestablishes her new self, she may do things that seem rational and make decisions that seem logical. However, it is in looking back from a vantage point of several years after her divorce that she is likely to begin seeing just how separated from her true being she was during these years of healing, and of how much more healing she had to do, and still faces.
This woman has lost a partner, lost a marriage. She has also lost her dreams, her hopes. She has lost her fundamental sense of who she is. She has to mourn these losses. She then has to heal. And she has to re-create herself. It can take a decade or more to sort these things out and to become strong on her own. If she enters into a relationship with another man before she gets her bearings, she is likely to face additional confusion until the dust settles. This is not to be dismissed as the normal post-divorce phase of a woman’s life. It is an epic battle for reconstruction.
By this time, the children see her differently. She is the woman who did not deserve to have birthday parties, remember. She is the woman who appeared to have pushed their father aside, so he was unable to be part of their daily lives. She appeared to have been the one who rejected him, and who instead of involving him in their lives, inserted her own agenda and goals. She is the one who spent all the money, because she had to manage everything and make all the decisions without her husband’s input. She is the one, most importantly, who broke up the family. Her selfishness caused the divorce, and the children were left to sort it all out.
Dad is the victim. Mom is the witch.
Mom has given her life to be both mother and father to the children because their father, on the autism spectrum but undiagnosed, was incapable of being involved emotionally and practically in the daily lives of their young family. Patterns were established. Mom continued to give. She finally left the marriage for her own sanity. She loses her marriage, her husband, her intact family. She appears to be the agent of the demise of the family, but she is not, because in running from abuse (regardless of the fact it was not necessarily intentional), she is running from a burning building in order to save her life. A fire set by intent, an accidental fire—what’s the difference to the person inside the house who must flee if she wants to live?
The woman loses again when she begins to understand her children treat her the way their father always treated her. They don’t respect her. They keep their distance. They blame her for everything they ever felt was wrong in the house when they were growing up.
The woman coming out of an ASD/NT marriage loses twice. She loses her husband and she loses when her children treat her the way their father treated her.
And to attempt to tell her story to her children is wrought with landmines invisible to her and unimaginable to the children. She feels she cannot convey the reality to them, regardless of her attempts. And even after all these years, she does not want to disparage their father, because she understands ASD is not his fault. She still treads carefully, even though he is unlikely to extend the same grace toward her. The children do not see this. Too much time has gone by. Too many patterns are set. They see only criticism of their father if she mentions she had to heal, or that she had to rediscover who she was after the divorce, or that she may have made decisions in the early years following the divorce that were not ultimately consistent with the person she now knows herself to be. She is, once again, judged and criticized—this time by the very children she exhausted herself to nurture.
If she is fortunate, she has found a good therapist along the way. She has had the opportunity to talk without feeling crazy. She has cried the bulk of her tears, though they still come when she thinks of her children, of how she loves them, of how unfair this has been to them, to her, to her former husband.
She has herself. She has friends. If she is fortunate, she has learned to re-create herself in such a way she has a career or an involvement in the community that allows her to experience herself in her competence and to be acknowledged by others as a person worthy of attention, worthy of friendship, even worthy of a birthday party.
Postscript: This article is a composite of what I have seen in my practice over the years among neurotypical women who have emerged from marriages with men who exhibit the behaviors consistent with a diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder (formerly called Asperger’s syndrome, high functioning autism). As a psychotherapist, I work with ASD/NT couples. I work with individuals affected by ASD. I work with women who are or were married to men with ASD. My role can be described as that of an ASD/NT translator, essentially, and my goal is to help both partners understand the world as seen from the other. By writing this, I do not mean to disparage or judge anyone. This article reflects my experience as a therapist, and I offer it here in this form to help women understand that their experiences are valid as well as to help their friends and family members understand what these women have been struggling with—and what they may well continue to struggle with for some time to come.
Thank you so much for your reply. I feel relieved that other people understand. I do have a choice but it's not an easy one as I don't want to split the family up. It's hard. I am getting some support from some friends at church so things seem less hopeless at the moment.
You
are right about becoming more independent. That's what I am trying to be but I find it hard sometimes.
Wishing you best of luck xx
It sounds like you are both exhausted and exasperated with each other. He will have failed to make his ideas clear to you over the years and you will have failed to get through to him.
How much have you read about his condition? Have you read a detailed book like Tony Attwells complete Guide to Aspergers? Having problems with authority is absolutely standard behaviour for someone on the spectrum. We don't respect authority unless it is legitimised by knowledge and demonstrable expertese. We are often curious though and will pick things up and invetigate things if our curiosity is sparked by a discovery.
I think that I used to be in a state where I thought I made sense and that I could see things that others couldn't see. I had no insight into how people really didn't get what I was on about. It was generally their fault for failing to understand me. I came to the understanding that something was wrong when I had yet another catastrophic job interview. I guessed that it might be ASC and looked into it and the more I looked into it the more it fitted. This lead to a diagnosis. I have taken the view that not only does the world need to make some allowance for me and my differences but I need to try and understand why the world reacts, as it does, to me. I can't change the underlying cause but I can change my attiude and I can understand that this is strange and alien to others.
A deadlock like this often needs both sides to make moves and concessions. There are books that describe how to take a positive attitude to having the condition (e.g. Valerie Gaus: Living Well on the Spectrum, The Dummies Guide To... series also has a book on the subject) you could get one of these and let him read it. Perhaps you could get it for yourself but let him have it if he shows interest. ie let him discover it for himself rather than giving it to him and expecting him to read it.
Hi Recombinantsocks,
Thank you for your support.
I'm rather desperate about "the alternative is to find a way to have him realize that there is an alternative." I like what you have written but am dumbfounded on how to get there. He has stated that the means we came to in our marriage over the years to salvage it have broken. He has placed it in my hands to come up with a new path. I'm burnt out. I'm angry and frustrated. I'm not interested in coercing or pressuring him. That does not work, period. He rebels against authority or being told what to do. Could you please expand upon what clues or hints to plant? Please.
What do "some autistic people do to not stay in that state and to see that things could be different?"
I don't want to feel that I carry the burden. I want to nudge him to change direction. I am at a loss to know what to do. He turns down therapy, etc. and feels he need do nothing about his Asperger's. However, because our marriage is falling apart (if I could leave today, I would), he may take strides to do something different that is out of his comfort zone.
Please, please. I need your help.
Thank you.
Artsy.
Hi Artsy,
Your story is a clear illustration of how it can all go wrong. Nobody would expect you to put up with that so you have choices to make. Not all autistic people stay in that state and fail to see that things could be different.
Life is the sum of your choices www.google.co.uk/search and this applies equally to your husband as it does to you.
The alternative is that you find a way to have him realise that there is an alternative. I think this is most likely if he comes to a realisation or discovery that things could be different. Coercion and pressure are likely to be counterproductive but you may be able to plant clues or hints that might lure him to a better viewpoint.
Hi Lonely 44,
I feel for you. I've been married for 16 years to a man with Asperger's. I've worked diligently to try to understand him. I have realized over time that keeping as little stress in the marriage is best. Something happened this past summer that has broken things.
We had a major problem in our kitchen that required the involvement of outside vendors, the building owner, city inspectors, etc.. My husband caused the problem. But, it truly was his Aspie ways that escalated the situation into a nightmare. Our gas was turned off for almost 3 months. I still do not think my husband can feel how difficult it was for me to not be able to have hot water, cook, take a shower etc..
The worst of it, I'm sorry to write, is he left. We have a vacation home in Hawaii. Instead of sticking it out with me, or asking me to join him (I was not working at the time), he abandoned me without gas in our home and stayed in Hawaii twice.
I cannot accept the poor treatment. He may have needed space and time alone, but what about me? My daughter was married during the summer. I had to heat water in the microwave to take a sponge bath and attend the wedding. I hate to complain. He was so selfish.
I'm seeing his impairment from a different light these days. He is incapable of engaging with public people like vendors etc. to resolve a problem. I had to take over to resolve the gas problem and talk with the repair folks in our home. He hid out in the back room on the computer. He also takes no responsibility for angering the building owner with his arrogant emails.
Seeing how difficult engagement with others, and basic social problem solving is for my husband, and his self-centerness has made me turn the page. I have little tolerance speaking with him. I have felt awful that he spends 6 months out of the year in Hawaii since 2013 and have expressed it to him. What I say means little. He continues to go there, while I'm alone here. The list is many of things he will not do. And, as you wrote, what he does do has to be his way.
He is normally coping with life by reading copious books, tv, organizing social media, etc.. I'm 62 years of age. I have not much time in life. I cannot leave my marriage at this moment because of economics. But, I can plan. That is what I'm doing. My new life will be better.
I alos hope to "thrive" as they say while I'm in a loveless marriage. There are activities that I have put on hold because I have been depressed. I work with a therapist who helps me grasp the hard realities. i no longer raise children or work at a stressful job. I plan to enjoy what time I have left while my health is good.
I'm sorry I do not have alternate views to help you. My story is more corroboration of your own.
However you move forward, I wish you well, Lonely44. For whatever reasons, we as NT's have chosen people who are extremely challenging as partners. Quite frankly, I am looking forward to creating a rich, single life while I'm in the marriage now, and when I am ready to physically move on.
Find nice ways to care for yourself is my best advice. Love yourself to get through.
Best wishes from a sympathizer,
Artsy
Everyone has choice. It may be difficult sometimes to exercise that choice but lots of people do call it a day on dysfunctional relationships. Undiagnosed Aspies have very poor success in maintaining relationships including marriages.
Lonely's husband does sound to be autistic. Some people go into denial and can''t be helped. Others grasp some insight and change their lives. Either way, it is difficult to understand the other's situation because being an aspie is to some extent alien to NTs and vice versa.
I'm an aspie and have maintained a relationship for many years but the recent discovery of my syndrome has thrown light on some of the reasons we keep running into trouble.
Hi. This is the first time I have ever been on anything like this but I feel someone may understand.
My son was diagnosed with asperger's a few years ago and he struggles with a lot of anxiety. He needed a lot of emotional support when younger but it always fell to me to do most of the childcare and household management.
My husband is a lovely kind-hearted man but I think he has aspergers too and it explains a lot of our struggles. So here goes:
· He struggles with stress and can't hold a job down
· He has sensory issues and hates being touched, but willcuddle like a child. He has NEVER kissed me but can't say why.
·Everything has to be on his terms including any physical intimacy.
·He frequently argues with me and the children - he is always right!! He says hurtful things to them.
·He cannot help with any decisions and is unable to engage with my son's problems. And yet cries easily at things on tv.
·He is addicted to going to the gym/exercise. Our whole lives are based around his need to exercise daily. I know it's his coping mechanism but makes all family activities tricky.
·Cannot time keep so I have to make sure there is some sort of routine in the house.
·He struggles with inertia unless HE wants something doing.
·He feels I constantly criticise him even if I just ask him to make a cup of tea - totally defensive
·Lies constantly to avoid confrontation
· He has had 2 emotional affairs and now addicted to online game, sending EXTREMELY flirty messages to other women
·He looks at porn but will not talk about intimate things with me.
The last two are what I struggle the most with. I know he finds it easier to talk to these other women as he finds it too hard to talk to me. It makes me feel like a monster but other people say I am very empathetic and calm.
I am exhausted by trying to keep it together for years,and I want to separate. I have had counselling and although I feel very guilty, I can t carry on like this. I love him but these issues have left me with no self esteem, depression and exhaustion.
I have tried asking him for joint counselling but he is too apathetic. He won't entertain the idea of splitting, yet can't understand why his behaviour has upset me. He won't accept our son's diagnosis let alone seek one himself.
I feel really mean, but I don't know how to get him to move out or how to proceed. I could go but my son would not cope with a move.
Sorry to go on, and I want to repeat how nice my husband is, but I just don't think he copes with a wife/family - he needs a mum!!
Thanks and any help appreciated
Hi,
I share your feelings of dearly loving your husband for many years. I have not connected with this website in some time. Thank you for writing.
Over the past two years, of course, life has changed. My daughter who has divorced her abusive husband and moved on, is now going back to school to get a degree in psychology. She is successful business woman. It touches me so that she wants to understand more deeply people problems. I'm hoping that somewhere in that study, it wlll become apparent to her that my husband means her no harm. She is an emotional person. He is an Aspie, doesn't understand or empathize with emotions. I hope for greater understanding. He does not care for my daughter; he tolerates her. Consequently, she does the same towards him.
That aside, to answer some of your questions. Regarding ADD, my grandson had it. He underwent 10 neuro-feedback treatments and is no longer in the range. You may want to seek that out. My grandson can now get a good night's sleep and can focus. His being easily angered and somewhat impulsive are personal challenges that he will need to manage with learned skills and tools.
Regarding what you are going through physically with your health issue, needing support. I would look elsewhere for support. I had both my knees replaced in 2012. My daughter was of no support because of her horrific marriage and divorce. What transpired was I relied on my hubby to do the many tasks in the home which I could not. I was immobile after surgery, but prior to and through a long recovery, I endured chronic pain and diminished abilities in general. He did not fuss. He helped with everything in the home. But, the emotional support was null. I relied upon my physical therapist, my personal therapist, a visiting nurse, and personal techniques of affirmations, journaling writing and coloring. I got through the worst part.
It is still an ongoing process to co-exist with my husband as I imagine it always will be. For instance, I am now vacationing with him in Hawaii. He bought a home here when he retired and spends half the year in it, his preference. ( We have an agreement not to be apart more than 3 weeks at onetime.) I am still working. It is nice to have some separation, but I harbor resentment that he does pretty much as he pleases (reads most of the time) while I need to work 4 more years. In our vacation home, we have no living room furniture. I have mentioned adamantly that I need a recliner for maximum comfort for my new knees. He has been stubborn and has had a hard time embracing my request. He now acknowledges the need for one. It has been an effort to get him this far.
I hope some of this advice may be helpful.
Best wishes to you,
Im not really sure where to start, i have been married to my Hubby for 21 years and love him dearly but can't say it has always been easy and always thought he had a few problems laying undiagnosed. throughout ourrelashionship i have felt very much on my own he has always had problems with emotion any on more occassions than i care to recollect left me feeling very on my own unloved and questioning what the hell have i been doing with my life, finally at the end of my tether and some gentle pursuasion i got him to see a doctor and a few specialists later he has been diagnosed wist Aspergers and borderline ADD which is no surprise to me.
My question to anyone who can help is how do i support and help him as the way he is is obviusly not his fault and i love him no less now than the day i married him im just not sure i can cope much more as i myself have a serious health issue that i could do with his support on right now but obviously he does not understand this.
sorry so long winded, im just so desperate to make sense of it all. can i add i have a 16 year old nephew with aspergers so have wuite an understanding of the condition
thanks and appreciation in advance
Hi OMO and other folks,
I, too, am married for 14 years to a man who is on the Asperger curve (no diagnosis.) It has been a huge learning curve. Initially, after a couple years of marriage (we married later in life, both in our 60's, now), we did couple's therapy for about 6 years. My husband actually brought into our later sessions that he felt he is on the high end range of Asperger's. That was eye-opening. However, he was not interested in pursuing further - not solely about Asperger's. I reached out to read books and talk with someone experienced in the field, but was succumbed by a major health issue and major stress from my daughter and family. Since then, we have gone back into family therapy, where I learned more about my husband.
I agree wholeheartedly with the post from "some one" regarding finding support through a therapist who has knowledge and is a good fit for you. I also agree with finding ways to fulfill yourself, whether it be outside friends, hobbies, whatever fits your needs.
Since I made major life-changing decisions to improve my health and am continuing down that path, I have found part time work which raises my self-esteem. I do see a therapist who is quite helpful and insightful. I am trying to reach out and make friends. It is challenging and have not overcome that hurdle, yet. Everything has its time.
I find the best way to keep things moving along with my husband is to know that he does not intend to hurt my feelings by the blunt way that he speaks, to know that his responses are mostly logical, to know that he is not going to catch emotional nuances and to appreciate what he has to offer. He is excellent at organization, keeping things pared down, completing a task once started and researching anything and everything. He is intelligent and has a good sense of humor.
The lacking part is the emotional availability. If I am tired or distraught, I go to bed or look to a girlfriend for support.
He and I have learned the technique "active listening." We use it whenever either one of us is bothered. It works for us.
Another helpful activity is exercise. My life now consists of part time work, exercise, spending time with my daughter and family, and the pursuit of art projects and friends. The time I spend with my husband is usually going out-to-dinner, watching TV programs and DVDs, reading or planning a vacation or get-away. I do not fight with myself anymore about the things he lacks. I look elsewhere to meet those needs and appreciate what he has to offer.
It has been, by no means, an easy path. We hit our walls. I'm still learning. I do get down at times. Considering the family life I had as a child, I like my life now, more. Interestingly, since this journey began, I have now realized that my mother was on the curve of Asperger's, also. She raised me. It is understandable that I feel comfortable around Aspies. I am not one, but they are tolerable, even lovable, to me.
My husband also has an anger issue. He has worked hard to manage that, but only because of my continued request that he does so, and because he cares. I have PTSD problems. It is vital that he manages.
I agree with the other folks that getting help to learn how to talk with your husband will ease some of your pain. That's the beginning. Overtime you will see if how he tries to "meet you" is enough. Best wishes.
onmyown said:Hi some oneThank you for that. It all makes sense too as being nicer or just accepting it can just make day to day living ok, I'm sure. My problem is that I need some physical comfort and (sad to say!!) attention which he doesn't give me. And the worse thing is, I don't want it from him anymore. I want to experience that with someone who connects with me. I know he doesn't but it's only in recent years I have realised that.He's ok too, not 'horribly selfish man who uses me' but he does think of himself in relation to all his books and stuff everywhere around the house. Sometimes he's too accommodating and that's a nuisance too. I think he may be frightened that I'm going to do something like leave him so he's trying to just keep the peace and get through each day while doing nothing and saying nothing. Who knows.Appreciate your post. Thanks!
Hi some one
Thank you for that. It all makes sense too as being nicer or just accepting it can just make day to day living ok, I'm sure. My problem is that I need some physical comfort and (sad to say!!) attention which he doesn't give me. And the worse thing is, I don't want it from him anymore. I want to experience that with someone who connects with me. I know he doesn't but it's only in recent years I have realised that.
He's ok too, not 'horribly selfish man who uses me' but he does think of himself in relation to all his books and stuff everywhere around the house. Sometimes he's too accommodating and that's a nuisance too. I think he may be frightened that I'm going to do something like leave him so he's trying to just keep the peace and get through each day while doing nothing and saying nothing. Who knows.
Appreciate your post. Thanks!
i totally understand, i have been with my partner 12 years and its not always easy, even now, but you know what we learned is our relationship depend son us, and of coursxe on communcation, and as that is a problem autistics have, you have to be ab le to sit and sort out a way for you both to be able to communcate so that you feel listened to and noticed
you have to look out for the thngs he DOES do for you, i learned to do that and it made a big difference
like you said, sometimes hes too accomodating, i would have a guess at that being his way of trying to 'make up for' the rest of the stuff he doesnt, and it migh tnot be enough compared to what he doesnt do, but it kind is all he has, so its up to you to then accept that as love and him showing he cares and showing you attention
obviously connecting with an autistic is the real issue, and not great to hear but most of the time if you want to connect withthem you kinda have to do it their way, ie talk about things they like,. the best way to spend time with an autistic partner or child to get involved in whatever their intrests are, and learn to enjoy it
and to let them have time to themselves when they want it too
if you have something to say, try to keep it short and make the point
so if you want him to clean up more, ask him why he doesnt, and explain to him why he should , try not to be too emotional (no i feel better if you do etc) keep it logical, the house needs cleaned, i cant do it all the time, so we need to take turns
does that always work, nope, but if it works some of the time its better than what it was
we went through a stage of my feeling unloved and not cared about because we werent 'connecting' this was all before diagnosis, after things changed a lot, because i changed a lot, hes almost the same, how you deal with it and what you expect of him has to change
nowadays i let him rant and rabbit on about his science/computers, show me his crazy vids, and i even got to enjoy some of it, but you can say 'not today' thats fine too you are entitled to your own time as well
its not so much that he thinks only of himself, its that he CANT think of others in the same way we do
he doesnt understand how much a lot of these things will upset you, thats why talking with him is so important, and if you want to do anyhthing i would really advice starting there
most of the time my partner says he doesnt even see/notice the mess (yes we have the exact same problem) literally he can live in a pig sty beause he doesnt see it
i tried the writing tasks down, that didnt work for us, but maybe it would work for you
obviously at his age hes very set in his routines so it will be difficult, but its worth giving it a shot isnt it
hi onmyown
im an nt partner of an aspie, and i recognise a lot of what you said
before the diagnosis our relationship consisted of a lot of stress, fights and me feeling alone and 'used' to a degree, now that we have diagnosis, i cant pretend that goes away, but it make sit more understandable
as you know if he does have it it is NOT personal, he does not mean to hurt you, he doesnt mean to be selfish, and probably doesnt even know he has been/is
things dont 'change' when you have a diagnosis, but i did learn to live with it a lot better and accept most of these things as just a fact of our relationship
it is not bad, but its not 'normal' but thats something i personally enjoy, its why we (i think) are attracted to those darn aspies in the first place, they are so intresting, odd, not 'normal' unique, right now, you have maybe focused on all those cr*ppy things you go through and have forgotten or not learned the good parts of his autism
BUT, you DO need to talk to someone, him AND a proffessional
because nothing will change and if you feel you need to have a diagnosis, then at the very least (even if he wont accept it) you can learn more about it and change your life with it and ask for help
which i have always said is just a fact of being an nt with an autistic it is YOU who has to change the majority of the time, to fit with their needs, because they cant
is that a lot to deal with , yes, it is, but thats why having the knowledge helps, you can make a better decision on your life with it
im not saying you need a proffessional diagnosis, but i do think if even YOU just from now on accept he has it, you can change things for you
you have been with your partner a long time, and its obviously worn you down, but i dont think you have really been living with an autistic because you have no diagnosis, so in your life youve been living with a horribly selfish man, and you feel hes used you
but with the knowledge of it being possibly autism , does this change that? if it does, ok you can work with that,
if it doesnt, and you really cant do it anymore, then you have every right to do whatever makes you happy
Hope you find the right professional advice to help you.
You've all been very supportive so thanks!
I need to speak to someone before I speak to him. I need to try to explain how he is and get a third person diagnosis I suppose. I often wonder if he is just who he is?
I have spoken to two unconnected people both in education, about 2-3 years ago,who without prompting said to me that had I ever thought he was on the autistic spectrum? I had not considered it and was just chatting with them describing the way he goes on. It came like a bolt from the blue when they both said it. One is a SENCo in a school.
My son who is now 20 feels that his dad is a good guy but not your normal sort of guy. He thinks that there's something there but he's very young to have had any experience of this. He knows how unhappy I am but he loves his dad.
My sister thought he was odd the first time she met him. She said nothing to me!!!! Afraid of upsetting me I suppose and would I have listened? She's not surprised at all but sad for me.
I will try to speak to a 'professional' with experience.
I have mentioned to him that we would be better off living next door to one another and I would like a different life. He has said nothing and all the time I do nothing it seems he is content. He hates change and he hates it when things go wrong. He just can't cope but has had to cope with some things on his own since he retired as I still work. I said we were better as friends. He cannot see that I have needs. Small things like just wanting a home, some feminine things around me. As it is, I am surrounded by his hobby, books, magazines, note books, papers, everywhere. Living room (not really a living room!) understair cupboards, upstairs landing bookshelves, bedroom. I sleep in my son's room while he is at Uni. Much better that way. Sad. I'm so sad and lonely and not at all brave at dealing with this and changing things. I'm frightened of my security going and what sort of a life I shall have if it all changes. No family to speak of, no parents on either side, only a sister and a brother who I have little contact with and my son. Bleak!
Must try and formulate a plan though. Find a professional to talk too first. Thanks everyone.
Hi onmyown,
Your post could almost have been written by my own mother. She had made up her mind some years previously that she would leave when her children left home. She left him when her last child got married. She had had a happy childhood herself, unlike you.
Poor man, he had no idea she was not happy. He had parents who were also probably on the spectrum and had no idea that life could be different. It is quite possible that your husband is content in his own way and has no idea how unhappy you are.
I think you have been given wise advice about seeking counselling.
I also have a friend in a similar situation (in her 40s) who has just left her husband. He does have a diagnosis. She just felt as you do a deep need to be loved for who she is. In her case she has met someone else who provides this for her.
It is a very difficult situation for you and I am sure people here will be supportive.
hi omo - things can get difficult, or more difficult, when important things change in our lives, such as your son leaving home, your partner retiring + being in a lot with his interests which aren't your interests. I think the replies you've had are helpful in considering a way fwd, esp talking to someone about things so you can make progress. Also you cd develop your own interests perhaps + form new friendships in the meantime? No one person can fulfill all our hopes + needs anyway. You say you can't go back at the end of your 1st post - none of us can. Deciding a new way fwd can be daunting + that why you need someone experienced to talk to initially. bw.
I have read your post, and I think that it seems you are very unhappy. However, your home life as you describe it seems to suggest that you need to speak to someone about your own issues.
Your husband just seems to be doing his own thing. If he is on the autistic spectrum, and you have not directly and very simply told him what you need/want he will not pick up on any subtle hints that you don't like what he is doing.
Your description seems to suggest you just don't like being around him, rather than that his potential autism is a problem. I very strongly suggest that you seek out someone to talk to on your own like Relate, or any form of couselling services through your GP, and do it soon. This will give you support in how to talk to your husband (I noted the mention of his temper in your first post), and also how to change things for yourself.
One more thing, if your husband is on the autistic spectrum any form of change will be very difficult for him, and could trigger a meltdown (adults on the spectrum have them too), therefore I very strongly suggest that you do get support BEFORE talking about your future plans to him.
Perhaps you could talk to your son or another close family member to see what they think before approaching him.