NT spouse of ?Asperger's.

Hi Lonely 44,

I feel for you.  I've been married for 16 years to a man with Asperger's.  I've worked diligently to try to understand him.  I have realized over time that keeping as little stress in the marriage is best.  Something happened this past summer that has broken things.

We had a major problem in our kitchen that required the involvement of outside vendors, the building owner, city inspectors, etc..  My husband caused the problem.  But, it truly was his Aspie ways that escalated the situation into a nightmare.  Our gas was turned off for almost 3 months.  I still do not think my husband can feel how difficult it was for me to not be able to have hot water, cook, take a shower etc..  

The worst of it, I'm sorry to write, is he left.  We have a vacation home in Hawaii.  Instead of sticking it out with me, or asking me to join him (I was not working at the time), he abandoned me without gas in our home and stayed in Hawaii twice.

I cannot accept the poor treatment.  He may have needed space and time alone, but what about me?  My daughter was married during the summer.  I had to heat water in the microwave to take a sponge bath and attend the wedding.  I hate to complain.  He was so selfish.

I'm seeing his impairment from a different light these days.  He is incapable of engaging with public people like vendors etc. to resolve a problem.  I had to take over to resolve the gas problem and talk with the repair folks in our home.  He hid out in the back room on the computer.  He also takes no responsibility for angering the building owner with his arrogant emails.

Seeing how difficult engagement with others, and basic social problem solving is for my husband, and his self-centerness has made me turn the page.  I have little tolerance speaking with him.  I have felt awful that he spends 6 months out of the year in Hawaii since 2013 and have expressed it to him.  What I say means little.  He continues to go there, while I'm alone here.  The list is many of things he will not do.  And, as you wrote, what he does do has to be his way.

He is normally coping with life by reading copious books, tv, organizing social media, etc..  I'm 62 years of age.  I have not much time in life.  I cannot leave my marriage at this moment because of economics.  But, I can plan.  That is what I'm doing.  My new life will be better.

I alos hope to "thrive" as they say while I'm in a loveless marriage.  There are activities that I have put on hold because I have been depressed.  I work with a therapist who helps me grasp the hard realities.  i no longer raise children or work at a stressful job.  I plan to enjoy what time I have left while my health is good.

I'm sorry I do not have alternate views to help you.  My story is more corroboration of your own.

However you move forward, I wish you well, Lonely44.  For whatever reasons, we as NT's have chosen people who are extremely challenging as partners.  Quite frankly, I am looking forward to creating a rich, single life while I'm in the marriage now, and when I am ready to physically move on.

Find nice ways to care for yourself is my best advice.  Love yourself to get through.

Best wishes from a sympathizer,

Artsy

Hi Lonely 44,

I feel for you.  I've been married for 16 years to a man with Asperger's.  I've worked diligently to try to understand him.  I have realized over time that keeping as little stress in the marriage is best.  Something happened this past summer that has broken things.

We had a major problem in our kitchen that required the involvement of outside vendors, the building owner, city inspectors, etc..  My husband caused the problem.  But, it truly was his Aspie ways that escalated the situation into a nightmare.  Our gas was turned off for almost 3 months.  I still do not think my husband can feel how difficult it was for me to not be able to have hot water, cook, take a shower etc..  

The worst of it, I'm sorry to write, is he left.  We have a vacation home in Hawaii.  Instead of sticking it out with me, or asking me to join him (I was not working at the time), he abandoned me without gas in our home and stayed in Hawaii twice.

I cannot accept the poor treatment.  He may have needed space and time alone, but what about me?  My daughter was married during the summer.  I had to heat water in the microwave to take a sponge bath and attend the wedding.  I hate to complain.  He was so selfish.

I'm seeing his impairment from a different light these days.  He is incapable of engaging with public people like vendors etc. to resolve a problem.  I had to take over to resolve the gas problem and talk with the repair folks in our home.  He hid out in the back room on the computer.  He also takes no responsibility for angering the building owner with his arrogant emails.

Seeing how difficult engagement with others, and basic social problem solving is for my husband, and his self-centerness has made me turn the page.  I have little tolerance speaking with him.  I have felt awful that he spends 6 months out of the year in Hawaii since 2013 and have expressed it to him.  What I say means little.  He continues to go there, while I'm alone here.  The list is many of things he will not do.  And, as you wrote, what he does do has to be his way.

He is normally coping with life by reading copious books, tv, organizing social media, etc..  I'm 62 years of age.  I have not much time in life.  I cannot leave my marriage at this moment because of economics.  But, I can plan.  That is what I'm doing.  My new life will be better.

I alos hope to "thrive" as they say while I'm in a loveless marriage.  There are activities that I have put on hold because I have been depressed.  I work with a therapist who helps me grasp the hard realities.  i no longer raise children or work at a stressful job.  I plan to enjoy what time I have left while my health is good.

I'm sorry I do not have alternate views to help you.  My story is more corroboration of your own.

However you move forward, I wish you well, Lonely44.  For whatever reasons, we as NT's have chosen people who are extremely challenging as partners.  Quite frankly, I am looking forward to creating a rich, single life while I'm in the marriage now, and when I am ready to physically move on.

Find nice ways to care for yourself is my best advice.  Love yourself to get through.

Best wishes from a sympathizer,

Artsy