NT spouse of ?Asperger's.

onmyown said:

Hi some one

Thank you for that.  It all makes sense too as being nicer or just accepting it can just make day to day living ok, I'm sure. My problem is that I need some physical comfort and (sad to say!!) attention which he doesn't give me.  And the worse thing is, I don't want it from him anymore.  I want to experience that with someone who connects with me.  I know he doesn't but it's only in recent years I have realised that.

He's ok too, not 'horribly selfish man who uses me' but he does think of himself in relation to all his books and stuff everywhere around the house. Sometimes he's too accommodating and that's a nuisance too.  I think he may be frightened that I'm going to do something like leave him so he's trying to just keep the peace and get through each day while doing nothing and saying nothing.  Who knows.

Appreciate your post. Thanks!

 

i totally understand, i have been with my partner 12 years and its not always easy, even now, but you know what we learned is our relationship depend son us, and of coursxe on communcation, and as that is a problem autistics have, you have to be ab le to sit and sort out a way for you both to be able to communcate so that you feel listened to and noticed

you have to look out for the thngs he DOES do for you, i learned to do that and it made a big difference

like you said, sometimes hes too accomodating, i would have a guess at that being his way of trying to 'make up for' the rest of the stuff he doesnt, and it migh tnot be enough compared to what he doesnt do, but it kind is all he has, so its up to you to then accept that as love and him showing he cares and showing you attention

obviously connecting with an autistic is the real issue, and not great to hear but most of the time if you want to connect withthem you kinda have to do it their way, ie talk about things they like,. the best way to spend time with an autistic partner or child to get involved in whatever their intrests are, and learn to enjoy it

and to let them have time to themselves when they want it too

if you have something to say, try to keep it short and make the point 

so if you want him to clean up more, ask him why he doesnt, and explain to him why he should , try not to be too emotional (no i feel better if you do etc) keep it logical, the house needs cleaned, i cant do it all the time, so we need to take turns

does that always work, nope, but if it works some of the time its better than what it was

we went through a stage of my feeling unloved and not cared about because we werent 'connecting' this was all before diagnosis, after things changed a lot, because i changed a lot, hes almost the same, how you deal with it and what you expect of him has to change

nowadays i let him rant and rabbit on about his science/computers, show me his crazy vids, and i even got to enjoy some of it, but you can say 'not today' thats fine too you are entitled to your own time as well

its not so much that he thinks only of himself, its that he CANT think of others in the same way we do

he doesnt understand how much a lot of these things will upset you, thats why talking with him is so important, and if you want to do anyhthing i would really advice starting there

most of the time my partner says he doesnt even see/notice the mess (yes we have the exact same problem) literally he can live in a pig sty beause he doesnt see it

i tried the writing tasks down, that didnt work for us, but maybe it would work for you

obviously at his age hes very set in his routines so it will be difficult, but its worth giving it a shot isnt it

onmyown said:

Hi some one

Thank you for that.  It all makes sense too as being nicer or just accepting it can just make day to day living ok, I'm sure. My problem is that I need some physical comfort and (sad to say!!) attention which he doesn't give me.  And the worse thing is, I don't want it from him anymore.  I want to experience that with someone who connects with me.  I know he doesn't but it's only in recent years I have realised that.

He's ok too, not 'horribly selfish man who uses me' but he does think of himself in relation to all his books and stuff everywhere around the house. Sometimes he's too accommodating and that's a nuisance too.  I think he may be frightened that I'm going to do something like leave him so he's trying to just keep the peace and get through each day while doing nothing and saying nothing.  Who knows.

Appreciate your post. Thanks!

 

i totally understand, i have been with my partner 12 years and its not always easy, even now, but you know what we learned is our relationship depend son us, and of coursxe on communcation, and as that is a problem autistics have, you have to be ab le to sit and sort out a way for you both to be able to communcate so that you feel listened to and noticed

you have to look out for the thngs he DOES do for you, i learned to do that and it made a big difference

like you said, sometimes hes too accomodating, i would have a guess at that being his way of trying to 'make up for' the rest of the stuff he doesnt, and it migh tnot be enough compared to what he doesnt do, but it kind is all he has, so its up to you to then accept that as love and him showing he cares and showing you attention

obviously connecting with an autistic is the real issue, and not great to hear but most of the time if you want to connect withthem you kinda have to do it their way, ie talk about things they like,. the best way to spend time with an autistic partner or child to get involved in whatever their intrests are, and learn to enjoy it

and to let them have time to themselves when they want it too

if you have something to say, try to keep it short and make the point 

so if you want him to clean up more, ask him why he doesnt, and explain to him why he should , try not to be too emotional (no i feel better if you do etc) keep it logical, the house needs cleaned, i cant do it all the time, so we need to take turns

does that always work, nope, but if it works some of the time its better than what it was

we went through a stage of my feeling unloved and not cared about because we werent 'connecting' this was all before diagnosis, after things changed a lot, because i changed a lot, hes almost the same, how you deal with it and what you expect of him has to change

nowadays i let him rant and rabbit on about his science/computers, show me his crazy vids, and i even got to enjoy some of it, but you can say 'not today' thats fine too you are entitled to your own time as well

its not so much that he thinks only of himself, its that he CANT think of others in the same way we do

he doesnt understand how much a lot of these things will upset you, thats why talking with him is so important, and if you want to do anyhthing i would really advice starting there

most of the time my partner says he doesnt even see/notice the mess (yes we have the exact same problem) literally he can live in a pig sty beause he doesnt see it

i tried the writing tasks down, that didnt work for us, but maybe it would work for you

obviously at his age hes very set in his routines so it will be difficult, but its worth giving it a shot isnt it