NT spouse of ?Asperger's.

Have you talked to him about it?

Married for 27 years. My own homelife pretty awful. Made to feel very small by my mother, very low SE. I need love, and cuddles.

Noboyfriends to speak of. Met my husband when he was 31 and I was 25. Nice chap. A bit odd but I didn't know about boyfriends!  He had a hobby which involved detailed interest in military stuff. Books everywhere. I thought it was just a hobby.  It's an obsession and has ruled our lives. He is now retired - just and is on the computer most of the day, does suduko every day and watches crime detective progs endlessly on tv during the day which are recorded ahead. Stays up at night until 2-3 in the morning on military site being the 'expert' on a forum.

No friends only work colleagues who are 'similar' to him. He had a very good job. Good at analysis and detail. Remains in contact with old work colleagues but makes no effort to make new friends. No interest. Fulfilled at home. Quiet. Good clever sense of humour with peers, not with me. Smiles rarely and it's not natural. More forced. Has reasonably good emotional understanding - I think this is learned but he has no idea what to do with me re crying, understanding, empathy. I feel there is no connection.  I was so busy working in the early days of our marriage and then bringing up our son, I didn't notice all these things.  Now son is away from home and I have had time to realise what he is like. Thinking back to episodes with other people I can see I never 'saw' it at all. 

He has odd mannerisms.  I find him 'stretching' tensing muscles regularly when he thinks I am not in the room. He is not keen on getting his hands wet - washing up but can cope with showers.

When we speak he 'lectures' me rather than talking to me. It's not personal. Likes to show how much he knows about something. Enjoys doing that with strangers if asked about something.  When we have been in museums etc, he enjoys telling me about something but checks that other people are listening as he explains in detail about something. 

I feel invisible. I want love and physical affection but not from him.  Essentially a good man who is not connected to me and who is more interested in hobby than me.  Pretends to join in but not really interested.  Does nothing around the home, i.e. maintenance. I do all decorating, jobs, cleaning, gardening etc.  He fills dish washer, and does some washing.

Tonight he came into the living room to change channels.  Just did it without asking me. Small things.  Likes to have his plans on a calendar and looks at it every day.

I have watched people when he is talking to them.  I can see a strange look in their eyes.  He is not your regular guy.

I am lonely, I feel disconnected.  I don't want to be connected with him.  He cannot look at me and make me feel warm and loved as a wife should hope for. He is continually looking in his books and has records of his military stuff in 100's of exercise books with meticulous lists.  Shall I go on?

I want to speak to someone about him.  If I had had a normal, happy upbringing of my own, perhaps I wouldn't be feeling this way.  What I need, he cannot give me.  I want some real connection with a man before I get much older (56) and to feel loved properly. I cannot work at it. Please don't tell me to.  We are past that.

hi OMO - don't be apprehensive.  It's ok on here.  Wd you mind expanding a bit on your post so people can help?  It raises a number of questions + we cd get the wrong end of the stick.  Whether your partner is aspergers or not, it's always sad when things are unhappy + you feel trapped.  Is there anyone you can talk to about how things are for you, as well as us on here?  Please come back because there are people here who'll try to help + will be concerned.  bw