NT spouse of ?Asperger's.

Hi OMO and other folks,

I, too, am married for 14 years to a man who is on the Asperger curve (no diagnosis.)  It has been a huge learning curve.  Initially, after a couple years of marriage (we married later in life, both in our 60's, now), we did couple's therapy for about 6 years.  My husband actually brought into our later sessions that he felt he is on the high end range of Asperger's.  That was eye-opening.  However, he was not interested in pursuing further - not solely about Asperger's.  I reached out to read books and talk with someone experienced in the field, but was succumbed by a major health issue and major stress from my daughter and family.  Since then, we have gone back into family therapy, where I learned more about my husband. 

I agree wholeheartedly with the post from "some one" regarding finding support through a therapist who has knowledge and is a good fit for you.  I also agree with finding ways to fulfill yourself, whether it be outside friends, hobbies, whatever fits your needs.

Since I made major life-changing decisions to improve my health and am continuing down that path, I have found part time work which raises my self-esteem.  I do see a therapist who is quite helpful and insightful.  I am trying to reach out and make friends.  It is challenging and have not overcome that hurdle, yet.  Everything has its time.

I find the best way to keep things moving along with my husband is to know that he does not intend to hurt my feelings by the blunt way that he speaks, to know that his responses are mostly logical, to know that he is not going to catch emotional nuances and to appreciate what he has to offer.  He is excellent at organization, keeping things pared down, completing a task once started and researching anything and everything.  He is intelligent and has a good sense of humor.

The lacking part is the emotional availability.  If I am tired or distraught, I go to bed or look to a girlfriend for support.

He and I have learned the technique "active listening."  We use it whenever either one of us is bothered.  It works for us.

Another helpful activity is exercise.  My life now consists of part time work, exercise,  spending time with my daughter and family, and the pursuit of art projects and friends.  The time I spend with my husband is usually going out-to-dinner, watching TV programs and DVDs, reading or planning a vacation or get-away.  I do not fight with myself anymore about the things he lacks.  I look elsewhere to meet those needs and appreciate what he has to offer.

It has been, by no means, an easy path.  We hit our walls.  I'm still learning.  I do get down at times.  Considering the family life I had as a child, I like my life now, more. Interestingly, since this journey began, I have now realized that my mother was on the curve of Asperger's, also.  She raised me.  It is understandable that I feel comfortable around Aspies.  I am not one, but they are tolerable, even lovable, to me.

My husband also has an anger issue.  He has worked hard to manage that, but only because of my continued request that he does so, and because he cares. I have PTSD problems.  It is vital that he manages.

I agree with the other folks that getting help to learn how to talk with your husband will ease some of your pain.  That's the beginning.  Overtime you will see if how he tries to "meet you" is enough.  Best wishes.

Hi OMO and other folks,

I, too, am married for 14 years to a man who is on the Asperger curve (no diagnosis.)  It has been a huge learning curve.  Initially, after a couple years of marriage (we married later in life, both in our 60's, now), we did couple's therapy for about 6 years.  My husband actually brought into our later sessions that he felt he is on the high end range of Asperger's.  That was eye-opening.  However, he was not interested in pursuing further - not solely about Asperger's.  I reached out to read books and talk with someone experienced in the field, but was succumbed by a major health issue and major stress from my daughter and family.  Since then, we have gone back into family therapy, where I learned more about my husband. 

I agree wholeheartedly with the post from "some one" regarding finding support through a therapist who has knowledge and is a good fit for you.  I also agree with finding ways to fulfill yourself, whether it be outside friends, hobbies, whatever fits your needs.

Since I made major life-changing decisions to improve my health and am continuing down that path, I have found part time work which raises my self-esteem.  I do see a therapist who is quite helpful and insightful.  I am trying to reach out and make friends.  It is challenging and have not overcome that hurdle, yet.  Everything has its time.

I find the best way to keep things moving along with my husband is to know that he does not intend to hurt my feelings by the blunt way that he speaks, to know that his responses are mostly logical, to know that he is not going to catch emotional nuances and to appreciate what he has to offer.  He is excellent at organization, keeping things pared down, completing a task once started and researching anything and everything.  He is intelligent and has a good sense of humor.

The lacking part is the emotional availability.  If I am tired or distraught, I go to bed or look to a girlfriend for support.

He and I have learned the technique "active listening."  We use it whenever either one of us is bothered.  It works for us.

Another helpful activity is exercise.  My life now consists of part time work, exercise,  spending time with my daughter and family, and the pursuit of art projects and friends.  The time I spend with my husband is usually going out-to-dinner, watching TV programs and DVDs, reading or planning a vacation or get-away.  I do not fight with myself anymore about the things he lacks.  I look elsewhere to meet those needs and appreciate what he has to offer.

It has been, by no means, an easy path.  We hit our walls.  I'm still learning.  I do get down at times.  Considering the family life I had as a child, I like my life now, more. Interestingly, since this journey began, I have now realized that my mother was on the curve of Asperger's, also.  She raised me.  It is understandable that I feel comfortable around Aspies.  I am not one, but they are tolerable, even lovable, to me.

My husband also has an anger issue.  He has worked hard to manage that, but only because of my continued request that he does so, and because he cares. I have PTSD problems.  It is vital that he manages.

I agree with the other folks that getting help to learn how to talk with your husband will ease some of your pain.  That's the beginning.  Overtime you will see if how he tries to "meet you" is enough.  Best wishes.