Marriages and partnerships

Thank you. I am almost too good at that you know :/

One more thought is that we can be extra sensitive to criticism. If she makes a remark then you can actually choose to not take it any more personally than you need to. (being able to exercise choice is a really powerful tool in making you happy) I don't mean that you have to ignore what she says but you can learn to shrug things off and remember that you are being sensitive. If you stop yourself from rising to these challenging comments then she might learn to lay off a bit.

HTH :-)

Yeah something needs to be done about that, so I will do my best for that.

In terms of difficulty forgetting the past, it's the same here, I completely forget, while she won't. I do say a lot of inappropriate things, and despite the awareness of my diagnosis of autism, it still seems I am treated a little unfairly. The thing is, like you say, there is no forgive and forget, and even though I could, I can't because it's a constant thing for her. Hmm.. I think the best thing I have taken from this is to not ignore things as much, but other than that I don't know how things will go :(

The standard course, or dose, of CBT treatment is 6 sessions. Sometimes this is understood to mean that you can only get 6 sessions but what it should mean is that the GP should review the success of the process after 6 sessions and the GP can then

a) refer again if some progress was being made,

b) stop because no progress is being made. (you cannot force people to get the benefit of CBT, there has to be will and capability on the patient's side)

c) stop because the problem has been resolved

Of course, people see that this is expensive and that the counsellors are a scarce resource so people get the idea that you only get one go at it. It is not as simple as that. I was speaking to a counsellor last week who was in the habit of resolving people's issues in 6 sessions to the point where they do not need further sessions for the immediate future.

Pixiefox raises the question about whether the partner is on the spectrum - this is possible but I don't think it is related to the difficulty in forgetting the past. I, on the spectrum, am much more willing to let bygones be bygones but my wife has a greater ability to remember past issues. Perhaps women feel the slights of past mis-steps more keenly than men who have thicker skins? Perhaps BJBP doesn't realise the impact of some of the things he has done because an autistic person would struggle with these things. People must be able to forgive and forget in any relationship but this is particularly true where an autistic person is involved because that person is bound to say or do the wrong thing from time to time. If there is no give and take then the relationship won't thrive and this is an area where relationship counselling may be able to move things on. Autistic people are at a disadvantage in situations like this because we struggle to get ourpoints across - it may be necessary to draft in help from outside to help because otherwise the option of always giving in will destroy the relationship.

Hi Pixiefox

It isn't proven but she's a different person to the one I met. She was so funny, she was always happy and eager to do many activities, so I think it may be a chain of events and depression, but it's hard to say obviously as I am not qualified to diagnose.

In terms of working with females, I respect my partner enough to approve of working with someone if a female asks, or I will know not even to ask and tell them I can't work with them. On this instance I ran it by her, to which she was ok with then later backtracked and worried about more coming in. These two females are also friends and she knows them in that capacity also. I don't like to make her feel uneasy by not doing so if you get me. I am not sure the thinking back or difficulty to forget is an autistic thing because they are mostly hurtful things and less and less pleasant memories, as opposed to when we first met.

The counselling stop because there is only a certain number of allocated sessions for some reason. I think she'll need to go get re-referred but that's not a nice thing for anyone fighting depression I think.  I am really annoyed with that process.

Low self-esteem I would agree with in terms of jealousy. I am her first relationship so I am not sure what to think on that one. Perhaps it's an expectation thing? I didn't talk about the past much at the start because I wanted to close that door and be happy with her but obviously it has hurt her and I told her everything, which has then helped led to this situation, which I knew would probably happen as I couldn't understand why you'd want to know details of a previous relationship, of course that's hurtful? I wouldn't like to know myself. To be honest, I do listen to her and try to understand as well as reassure her :/ What do i then do with that?

When she see's my ex or any female she doesn't like for that matter, she gets angry, and thoughts of the past come back which lead to questions and bad dreams and therefore a bad mood for a few days. It's exhausting for me and her. I honestly have nothing to do with my ex since we broke up. I don't want anything to do with her, and if I was single now, I still wouldn't. I block off all communications and I haven't even seen or heard tell of her - apart from through my partner of course. When she see's my ex and I am not with her, I used to get defensive and try to emphasise - to be honest I didn't know what to do years ago because it was a very stressful thing for me. Nowadays, I just listen and try to help her focus on positives and us. This is annoying on it's own to me though because I would rather she focussed on us and stopped worrying about my ex.

I believe that for a relationship to work also. Unfortunately it is quite difficult and these things mean she doesn't trust me, she hurts me by not responding to I love you before I leave for example (which I always do no matter what the situation because I love her so much), but with this topic not dropping after 7 years, the blaming over silly issues (like the Nintendo before engagement thing which was irrelevant) etc., has taken it's toll. I am losing attactiveness to her due to her personality now and I am losing the ability to care as much too. I also have to focus on myself a bit more now too because her behaviour and these things are negatively effecting me and leading me to feel depressed at times. I just don't know what to do. I feel leaving her might let her have a happier life away from me, because I don't feel she'll be happy with me despite how much I try and how much I love her. I just want her to be happy and to forget about the past and the things that bother her and just be happy.

Thank you also recombiantsocks. I agree I don't feel it is happy or healthy no matter how much I try. The lack of trust and the blame is destroying the relationship. I want to help her get counselling again and I will be sure to not do nothing from now on thank you. I feel bad if I leave also as I want to help her be happy and to fight depression also.

Hi banjosbackpack 

I don't know the answer, but here are my thoughts:

You state that your partner is NT. Is this proven? Has she ever taken the AQ test? I ask this because I'm an aspie female and I wouldn't have been able to deal with my partner spending time with other women in the way you would if you were their personal trainer. Also Aspies find it harder to forget the past - we don't have the attrition of feelings that NT's experience, so we can re-live something years later. Aspie females often very successfully mask their traits and learn to behave in a neurotypical way. 

If she is still depressed, why has the counselling stopped?  Her GP has a duty to ensure she can access this treatment if she still needs it. 

Regarding the jealousy, the roots of this could be low self esteem and/or being cheated on in a previous relationship. If you don't talk about it, this may signal to her that you're trying to cover something up. Getting her to discuss with you why she feels this way and trying to show her that you understand may be more successful than continuously trying to reassure her that nothing is going on. 

You say she gets jealous when she sees your ex. How do you behave when this happens? If you are with her, do you acknowledge your ex in any way? If so, you need to make sure that in future you ignore her completely. If you're not with your partner when she sees your ex but she tells you later do you instantly go on the defensive? Try to empathise with her instead. 

I believe that for a relationship to work, each partner must be totally committed to each other, show complete loyalty when in the company of others (even if you argue in private),  be able to discuss anything and listen to and take seriously each other's worries and concerns, no matter how small. 

If you are really in love with each other, I believe you can make it work. It might be hard work at first though.

Good luck

My first reaction to this story is that it does not sound as though it is a happy and healthy relationship. The lack of trust and continuous blame culture will, if unaddressed, destroy the relationship sooner or later. Continuously giving in to her is not actually good for her as she will get further and further from reality and what is reasonable as time progresses. I think this may be how OCD issues raise themselves sometimes - if you watch Obsessive Compulsive Cleaners on TV you may see examples of this.

Her attitude may be due to mental health issues which may lead her into very negative thinking. If her depression is not resolved then this needs to be looked at first.

I think you might try and go to relationship counselling sessions. I have never done this but I don't see much alternative.

The worst thing to do is to do nothing and hope that it will resolve itself.

Hi there, perhaps someone can provide me with some ideas...

I am engaged to a NT girl. We are both in our mid 20's and we have been together 7 years. I love her, and I am sure she loves me, but there have been struggles, she has been depressed for a few years now, and only I noticed and tried my best to help, even when she was in denial, but only recently has she accepted that she is depressed. I was so happy that after the past few years, she finally got help for herself by talking to someone. It made me proud that she was fighting back at last, and it was a relief that I wasn't actually seeing things wrong after so much time. Strangely though, you only get so many meetings and then that's it, so I don't know where she goes now :(

She also has a perception where my previous relationship (which didn't last long, niether did I want it to), is a problem. She still hasn't let it go because she feels there was more to it than I have told her (and I told her absolutely everything), as if I had more fun with my ex than I am with her now. By not letting it go it means if she see's her or her friends it ends up ruining her day (and therefore probably mine later on). I have tried to reassure her every time. That's just one example, but for it to still be a thing 7 years later is really annoying me and it has done for a number of years, more so as time has passed by. These things are very frustrating, and in a nutshell, it effects things like trust now and also attractiveness.

She has blamed me for her depression which I disagree with because I try very hard to make her happy. I feel I can never really make her truly happy any longer though sadly. If we have a difference of opinion, even something small, I just agree with her. I feel she looks at social media in a bad way (all her friends doing things) and thinks we don't do enough 'fun things' (which i also disagree with). And especially in recent months, she vents that much that I end up having a sensory overload and need to lie down and usually go to sleep and end the day.

I find it tough obviously, having aspergers syndrome to interact with people, but because of her perceptions, I feel I have to avoid a lot of people, females especially, which means I tactically don't allow ourselves to be in a potential situation where she might not like a girl for whatever reason. (I was quite active on social media years ago, I spoke to everyone, so she thinks I was a bit of a lady's man i guess, when in fact I wasn't.). So even though there's nothing to something and I am faithful, it will annoy her. If we go into a shop and she see's someone she doesn't like she will get quite angry, just by looking at girls I haven't even had history with. I therefore try my best to avoid certain shops (a lot of them - another obstacle to those fun things I would like to do carefree and not have to tactically plan!).

Another example is back in high school, at the end of my time there, one girl who I got on with as friends (like most of them, I wasn't very forward) wrote that I was funny and cheesy - she was quite a quiet, ordinary, friendly person. I never thought anything of it until my fiancee seen what she wrote (along with many other comments) and now I dare not say even hi to her, like many other people otherwise I am just causing trouble for myself over nothing really. I love my fiancee so much and these things annoy me, and in fact they are making her less attractive because I feel untrusted, and question why do I bother when I am looked upon this way? The other argument that I have with myself is how much I love and care for her.

Another example is that I am a fitness trainer, and two of my female friends asked could I train them (I have never had any sort of thing with either), so I ran it by her and she isn't ok with it. She especially didn't like the idea of them recommending me to other girls. It is the main reason I have done everything to switch to males only and I stopped my fitness classes which were predominately female (which I didn't predict it would to be honest. Strangely she also suggested a few months ago that if we buy a house I could attach some sort of area for training clients. But I honestly don't want to even do the work I am doing anymore, questioning my professionalism, my loyalty to her, is quite hurtful and it has taken the joy out of the work I do.

Honestly I am losing attactiveness towards her purely because I feel she doesn't trust me, even though deep down I suspect she know's I am a good person and do my best for her. I used to go out of my way to apologise even if I wasn't wrong and make it up to her as best I could, but now I just agree with whatever she says, and it is getting a bit depressing too. I don't like the past continually being brought up despite attempts by myself to sort them out once and for all.  I feel like she is now holding me back a bit which is unfortunate and sad to me in it's own way. In a way, I have been thinking it might be better that, if i try to break up again, maybe it's better to say I have cheated on her because maybe it'll be a closure because she'll think she was right and she can move on and be happy, but I also don't want to cause unnecessary emotional damage either. It's a pity I am in this situation because I love her so much, I try so hard for her and she has a lovely welcoming family - plus all this aside I see how nice a person she is.

I thought it might be better to break up about 14 months ago, and I tried 3 times after a trip to Australia where she really worried me and I remember that she said she wish she never met me because of the beginning of our relationship and she'd have a better life. Australia was a test for me, I knew it would be being autistic, but I didn't want that to stop me being the determined person that I am. These further challenges made it quite hard to live my life long dream of fully enjoying a long trip out there. I want to go back and try again, but I dread ever going anywhere with her again if I am honest. A few months after the 3rd attempt of breaking up - where she didn't allow me to leave by blocking the door for me to exit) after I thought that was us, we got engaged. It was a happy few months and it felt like pure happiness was back. I was hoping it will focus her and reassure her and show her that I really love her and I am committed. Now though, I think it might have actually made things worse down the track. Sometimes she doesn't even say I love you every once in a while, responding to me when I say it with the word 'thanks'.

Strangely during this period which I thought was a peak happiness that we have had, she has nitpicked in a way. I tried my best to make it special, memorable and nice. I proposed on a park bench. Now she holds against me that I didn't get down on one knee, which I forgot to do in the moment out of nerves, I was expecting a no. She also questions why I bought myself a Nintendo months before the ring, which in my defence was something I wanted for years and I treated myself after money struggles on returning from Australia when I secured a job. To me, it is irrelevant, and the ring cost much more than the Nintendo did.

She has blamed me for her depression which I disagree with because I try very hard to make her happy. I feel I can never do that now though sadly. If we have a difference of opinion, even something small, I just agree with her. I feel she looks at social media in a bad way (all her friends doing things) and thinks we don't do enough 'fun things' (which i also disagree with). And especially in recent months, she vents that much that I end up having a sensory overload and need to lie down and usually go to sleep and end the day.

It's got to the point where I am not caring anymore. I am not being nasty, I am just separating myself and I use exercise to keep myself calm and collected, to function properly. It's tough. I honestly think she doesn't want to marry me. I suggested that if she didn't want to, I would understand and we can calmly move on. She seemed to be worried about what people might think or what they might say and what I might say about her. I would only have ever said it was nice to spend the time that we had together and it was a huge pity that it didn't work out.

Could anyone give me their opinion on what they think on my experience? I would really appreciate any advice. Thank you. :)

Hi Displacerkitten 

Here are my thoughts about the issues you have described;

1. Aspies really struggle with conflict. The emotional overload usually means we need quiet time on our own to enable us to calm down. You don't say whether you are living together yet, but if he usually suggests leaving when he is in your/his/your shared home, is there another room he could go to where he could recover without actually leaving altogether? He would need to be left completely alone and quiet during this time until he chose to rejoin you. His suggestion of leaving is far more likely to be due to him feeling bad about himself at not being able to deal with things rather than an attempt to hurt your feelings. Aspies are not emotional manipulators - we have trouble even reading emotions. 

If you need to discuss how to reach a compromise on an important issue, I'd suggest that firstly you choose the right moment, when you're both calm and able to give each other your full attention without any distraction (we can only focus on one input at a time), then use a matter of fact approach to the situation rather than an emotional one, only talking about the facts of the situation rather than any feelings you have about it. Then give him time to think about it before you discuss a compromise. 

2. Some Aspies don't think they need to tell their partner they love them as they think it's not necessary if their feelings about their partner haven't changed. But NT's suffer from "attrition", where feelings diminish over time, so need to be told they're still loved now and again. Perhaps explaining this to him might help him understand? The "joking" may be an attempt to make himself feel on more of an even footing in the relationship - it may be that he feels inferior to you as you are obviously bright and will be able to cope better with social situations, friendships and work than he can. I don't know how much you praise him for his good points or tell him what you love about him? Maybe you could suggest him helping you or someone you're both close to with something he's good at or encourage/take interest in a hobby he has, to boost his self esteem? If he makes comments that upset you, it might be useful for you to initiate a short "time out" period and insist on an apology before you agree to continue as normal, as it's unacceptable for either person in a relationship to be made to feel unworthy or diminished by the other.

3. The attrition thing is why you'll be able to "switch off" the negative feelings quickly. He won't be able to do this. I believe that the quickly changing moods you describe are an NT trait, as I will take ages to feel better after a conflict situation. Our minds tend to replay what happened over and over in our heads, making us feel stupid and awkward. You need to give him time to recover and be patient. 

4. See my ideas in paragraph 2 of section 1 re talking to him about issues. Bear in mind that because we have problems reading the non verbal cues you do automatically, his brain has to work harder processing the meaning of what you are telling him. I find that because I'm a "people pleaser" and find it uncomfortable to disagree or refuse to do something, I can feel like my identity is being subsumed by others, so perhaps this is what happens to him when he says he thinks you'll bully him into agreeing with you? 

5. What you see as a "minor inconvenience" might be a major one to him. Driving is much more difficult for us, and many of us can't manage to do it (I cope OK in most areas of life but I don't drive). Whereas NT's brains learn to "filter" sensory inputs so that they can deal with several at once, for instance driving while listening to music, having a conversation and avoiding another car which just pulled out in front of them, Aspies' brains experience everything much more vividly so we can only focus successfully on one thing at a time, making driving pretty stressful and sensory overload a danger. 

Hope this gives you some ideas which will help 

Take care 

Pixie

Hi All,

I'm neurotypical dating a guy on the spectrum, and I need help.  We've only been dating for 6 months, but I really love him.  There's something different about him, and I genuinely think I would marry this guy.

The problem is that we've been fighting a lot lately.  There are a few main things that we're fighting about:

1) How to come to a compromise.  When we get into a disagreement, K's idea of a compromise is for him to leave for a month or a few, and then come back.  My idea is that we both should alter our behavior a little, and that's no problem.  Even as far as little things are concerned, he would sooner leave than try to change them - even though I know he loves me, and I think he would be happier staying.  I really don't think that he means to hurt my feelings when he suggests leaving. (To me, walking out is the worst thing a person can do.) I think that is his way of fixing the problem.  Am I running up against one of his "autism rules" when I'm asking him to change his behaviors or his method of doing things? Am I right to try to keep him from leaving when this happens?  What "things" is it unacceptable to ask him to change?

If it is an autism thing, I guess I should learn to let the little things go.  But how do I ask him to compromise with me on the big things without making him feel backed into a corner?

2) Problem behaviors and inappropriate comments: K's perspective is that the fact that he is still with me is proof that he cares about me, so he doesn't see a need to say a lot of positive things.  On the other hand, he has a very sharp sense of humor, and is constantly making jokes about me being dumb, unskilled, a pain in the neck, etc.  When I ask him about it, he says that he does believe those things.  As an NT person, I don't understand why you would be with a person if you don't think they're smart, and generally fabulous.  To me, it seems to be contradictory to my whole concept of love to think that your partner is generally below-average.  As an NT person, I expect a partner to say 5 good things for every bad thing, bad things being jokes about my inadequancies or complaints about something I'm doing.

I think K is just being realistic.  I know that he would never tell me something he doesn't think is true.  What is weird though is that I am a graduate student - the things he is saying are factually untrue.  I have tried to explain to him that it makes me feel bad when he says those things, and he says that if I don't like it, I should just leave.  He acts like this is a behavior that he both cannot and will not change.  Where should I draw the line between him being autistic and realistic, and him just being a jerk that happens to also be autistic?  If an NT guy responded in the same way, I would dump him immediately, because a failure to change his words, and stop saying what I consider to be mean things that hurt my feelings, would mean that I am not important to him. 

3) How do I fix things after a fight?

K can say very hurtful things to me during a fight, but as soon as we sit down and have a conversation, I feel better about it.  Very few things can be said to me that will bother me a day later, and I just assume that everything said during an argument is probably an exaggeration.  Even for an NT person, my moods change incredibly quickly - almost manically so.  I genuinely can't understand why K is still upset 2 minutes after I say I am sorry, much less why he is still upset a day or two later.  How do I rebuild his trust after a fight?  How do I take back something stupid that I said that I didn't mean?  How do I make him feel happy again quickly - or is that something that I just have to admit is not realistic?

4) How do I* talk with him about continuing relationship issues?

I genuinely want to sit down and talk to him about these things, but he is very resistant to doing so.  He says that he thinks I will bully him until he agrees with me.  I feel awful that he feels that way.  But I think that maybe he is getting that because I won't accept that him leaving is the right answer, and lately I have been unwilling to budge about how the things he says to me are rude and that he needs to stop saying them; I just don't know how to firmly ask that he treat me with respect, or how to firmly draw a bottom line without making him feel threatened.  I understand that his autism significantly influences his life, but how do I make him see that there are things that are very important to me, too, and that it doesn't have to be a battle every time our interests come into conflict?

5) Mind-reading and Double Standards:  This one goes both ways for both of us.  I only care about the *intention* behind an action, and K only cares about the *results* of an action.  We are both constantly misreading each others' behaviors, and we both accuse the other of having a double-standard, because we think that different things are equivalent.  For example, K thinks that it is a double-standard when I ask him to drive me to the clinic but will not skip an important family gathering for him, because he thinks that all I do is take from him - that I expect him to do whatever I ask and won't do what he asks.  I think that he compares very minor inconveniences to very large important event, and that they are not equivalent because their severity is different.  I think that it's a double standard when he won't drive me to the clinic because I drove him to the emergency room last week, and those things are in the same category.  To me, only things that are in the same category can be double-standards.  How do we get through to each other?

If you guys could please comment on any of this, I would really appreciate it.  I love him to death, and lately I'm making K miserable.  I just wish I understood all of this, and how to make him see that yes, I'm bungling this, but I genuinely do love him, and I'm only doing all of this because I love him and I want things to work out with him.  Please forgive me if I'm being patronizing by assuming that other people on the spectrum might understand this better!  I just don't know where to turn, and I really do want to make him happy.

I agree with all that Banjo has written.

Kitten has done a very good job in describing a lot of autistic behaviour but I think the fundamental problem is that you want to change hime. You want to rescue him and make him better perhaps? Autism is a very hard thing to understand and you will find it difficult or impossible to negotiate with him as you would an NT person. In fact, you will probably just drive him to distraction if you keepp trying to explain yourself. He will not be able to explain himself and will feel resentful as you grind him down with your very reasonable discussions. I would agree that taking turns is a good way to deal with issues where you can't agree. Make sure that the turns are fair and even handed and try and agree that each of you can veto something that the other really doesn't want to do. This way you get to do a fair share of the things you want but you don't force the other to do something that they really don't want to do.

PS I hope you haven't used his real name or a nickname by which he could be identified - the forum takes a dim view of people being identified - you can edit your post to take his name out.

Hi Displacerkitten

I can understand him when he wishes to leave for a bit of time. Has he actually left for that long though? He maybe just needs to clear his head - although I feel like a month is a bit much for any relationship. I guess it's understanding why he wishes to leave like that and not controlling that he can't leave either. In terms of compromise, perhaps try writing things down or having a textual conversation. I am not saying that will work but it might be calmer emotionally as well as clearer.

Inappropriate comments are a thing and even though autistic people seem to be assumed to be very truthful, I think in some situations it is different in terms of being inappropriate. E.g. He might think a joke in his head is funny and then say it in a strange context or touchy subject, and actually it isn't. It is difficult, and really it might be a case of gently encouraging typical behaviours or comments to stop over time so he would then realise that they are negatively effecting you.

It is difficult after a fight and I suppose it may take days. But again try using messenging or writing to communicate in a calmer environment, or diffuse the situation and ask in a more gentle way.

Hmm number 4 is much tougher, perhaps agreeing on a turn taking system or something in order to make each other feel things are fair?

Number 5 is also very tough. I think perhaps being more open for each other. How to do that, I am not sure sorry. Perhaps correlating the result and intention. E.g I find going for a walk difficult because I see A to B, rather than take my time and look around a lot, but if there are points A, B, C and D, it breaks it up and provides a 'result' opportunity to naturally stop. If that makes sense.

I also feel my partner is miserable caused by myself unintentionally despite being in love with them and being autistic myself. Keep in mind their can be a lot of unintentional things here. Take time with each thing, and I hope that helps?

Thanks

Thanks for the advice it has helped.

Hi MX, thanks for sharing your story.

I don't think that any marriage / partnership is all plain sailing, but I agree that it can be very difficult at times for people on the autism spectrum. Even after knowing my partner for 40 years (and being married for nearly 38) we're still working on it.

One thing that was a problem was that while we both always knew my partner was "different", neither of us had any idea until recently that I had aspergers. 

Since finding this out, I've learned about what happens to me when I react to a "criticism" (and that what I perceive as one sometimes isn't actually a criticism of me). I now understand that I have affective empathy (also called emotional empathy) which means I'm highly sensitive to the negative emotions of others, which includes anxiety. So when I pick up anxiety in my partner, instead of reacting badly and making things worse I can now recognise it for what it is and act a bit more calmly (sometimes I need to go to another room briefly) and we can then talk and sort things out. 

I also understand what a "meltdown" is and can recognise when I'm heading for one and "talk to myself" in my head to calm myself down. My partner also seems more aware of both my and his reactions to things since I've discussed with him how aspergers affects me and how we're different to most other people.

Of course although we're both aspies we aren't identical personalities - so we have differences in the way we think about and react to certain things, but we have a shared core identity of sensitivity, independent thought and mutual trust.

I'm married to my high school sweetheart and we have children together (one is autistic like their dad).

I didn't know that I was autistic until my child was diagnosed first, but I have known my whole life that there was something different about me that psychologists in the 1980's couldn't figure out (but they did rule out the dangerous sorts of mental health disorders). If my child hadn't been caught, I would have been missed.

Anyway, I'd never had a problem attracting girls but I'd had plenty of problems actually developing relationships beyond the first or second date. Not sure how I did so well with this one.

26 years later and it's constant work. I've had to learn a lot of behaviors to invest in our success together, the same way I've had to learn a lot of behaviors to invest in my social and professional success. Chief among them probably is taking the time to ask about things going on in her life, even if I can figure it out for myself from things like her social media participation or that she's already said she had a great day. Another thing I had to learn is to hold on to quite a lot of my objective assessments of things like how clothes look on her or other things that are meant to try to help, but really only end up hurting feelings.

I'm no guru, but we're happy together. 

Hello Banjo's backpack

You didn't say if your partner is on the autism spectrum or not, so there could be various reasons for the problems in your relationship.

It appears that your partner is feeling insecure - perhaps this is because they don't get the reassurance from you that they want/need. For example, I heard that many Aspies will not bother to say "I love you" much, because they think that if nothing has changed, it is not necessary to keep saying it. But neurotypical people apparently have something that happens called "attrition", where if they don't get signs that an emotion still exists in someone they feel that it no longer exists (I hope I'm explaining this right). However some Aspies also need regular reassurance due to anxiety issues and being unable to "read" emotions in other people. So try paying them more attention, find something you like about them (new top, hair looking nice, etc.) and tell them, as well as remembering to say "I love you" more often.

With regards to the having a baby issue, your partner may be feeling pressured to do this to conform, particularly if a woman, but may be having doubts about their ability to cope as well as yours. NT females usually see having children at some point as part of the identity they adopt at adolescence (and apparently once this identity is formed, it's hard for them to change), while an Aspie female who is trying to act NT will also feel this pressure to be like other women. If your partner is male, they may still be feeling pressure to do this if it's seen as some sort of "achievement" by their circle of friends.

You need to communicate to your partner why you need time alone on your own sometimes, that it is better for your relationship if you can do this because you will be happier and more able to give them the love and support they need when you are with them after you have become calm again.

And finally, it might help if you can learn to be more patient if your partner wants to spend time looking at sights. Try focusing on the sounds and smells around you, or maybe wear headphones and listen to music you enjoy if you really can't do it?

Good luck

It amazes me every time I see someone mention their spouse or partner. I keep thinking that Aspergers only has a mild effect on me compared to what I read about others, but in 60 years I've never got close to making any sort of connection that could lead to a long term relationship. How do people manage it?