Marriages and partnerships

Hi Displacerkitten 

Here are my thoughts about the issues you have described;

1. Aspies really struggle with conflict. The emotional overload usually means we need quiet time on our own to enable us to calm down. You don't say whether you are living together yet, but if he usually suggests leaving when he is in your/his/your shared home, is there another room he could go to where he could recover without actually leaving altogether? He would need to be left completely alone and quiet during this time until he chose to rejoin you. His suggestion of leaving is far more likely to be due to him feeling bad about himself at not being able to deal with things rather than an attempt to hurt your feelings. Aspies are not emotional manipulators - we have trouble even reading emotions. 

If you need to discuss how to reach a compromise on an important issue, I'd suggest that firstly you choose the right moment, when you're both calm and able to give each other your full attention without any distraction (we can only focus on one input at a time), then use a matter of fact approach to the situation rather than an emotional one, only talking about the facts of the situation rather than any feelings you have about it. Then give him time to think about it before you discuss a compromise. 

2. Some Aspies don't think they need to tell their partner they love them as they think it's not necessary if their feelings about their partner haven't changed. But NT's suffer from "attrition", where feelings diminish over time, so need to be told they're still loved now and again. Perhaps explaining this to him might help him understand? The "joking" may be an attempt to make himself feel on more of an even footing in the relationship - it may be that he feels inferior to you as you are obviously bright and will be able to cope better with social situations, friendships and work than he can. I don't know how much you praise him for his good points or tell him what you love about him? Maybe you could suggest him helping you or someone you're both close to with something he's good at or encourage/take interest in a hobby he has, to boost his self esteem? If he makes comments that upset you, it might be useful for you to initiate a short "time out" period and insist on an apology before you agree to continue as normal, as it's unacceptable for either person in a relationship to be made to feel unworthy or diminished by the other.

3. The attrition thing is why you'll be able to "switch off" the negative feelings quickly. He won't be able to do this. I believe that the quickly changing moods you describe are an NT trait, as I will take ages to feel better after a conflict situation. Our minds tend to replay what happened over and over in our heads, making us feel stupid and awkward. You need to give him time to recover and be patient. 

4. See my ideas in paragraph 2 of section 1 re talking to him about issues. Bear in mind that because we have problems reading the non verbal cues you do automatically, his brain has to work harder processing the meaning of what you are telling him. I find that because I'm a "people pleaser" and find it uncomfortable to disagree or refuse to do something, I can feel like my identity is being subsumed by others, so perhaps this is what happens to him when he says he thinks you'll bully him into agreeing with you? 

5. What you see as a "minor inconvenience" might be a major one to him. Driving is much more difficult for us, and many of us can't manage to do it (I cope OK in most areas of life but I don't drive). Whereas NT's brains learn to "filter" sensory inputs so that they can deal with several at once, for instance driving while listening to music, having a conversation and avoiding another car which just pulled out in front of them, Aspies' brains experience everything much more vividly so we can only focus successfully on one thing at a time, making driving pretty stressful and sensory overload a danger. 

Hope this gives you some ideas which will help 

Take care 

Pixie

Hi Displacerkitten 

Here are my thoughts about the issues you have described;

1. Aspies really struggle with conflict. The emotional overload usually means we need quiet time on our own to enable us to calm down. You don't say whether you are living together yet, but if he usually suggests leaving when he is in your/his/your shared home, is there another room he could go to where he could recover without actually leaving altogether? He would need to be left completely alone and quiet during this time until he chose to rejoin you. His suggestion of leaving is far more likely to be due to him feeling bad about himself at not being able to deal with things rather than an attempt to hurt your feelings. Aspies are not emotional manipulators - we have trouble even reading emotions. 

If you need to discuss how to reach a compromise on an important issue, I'd suggest that firstly you choose the right moment, when you're both calm and able to give each other your full attention without any distraction (we can only focus on one input at a time), then use a matter of fact approach to the situation rather than an emotional one, only talking about the facts of the situation rather than any feelings you have about it. Then give him time to think about it before you discuss a compromise. 

2. Some Aspies don't think they need to tell their partner they love them as they think it's not necessary if their feelings about their partner haven't changed. But NT's suffer from "attrition", where feelings diminish over time, so need to be told they're still loved now and again. Perhaps explaining this to him might help him understand? The "joking" may be an attempt to make himself feel on more of an even footing in the relationship - it may be that he feels inferior to you as you are obviously bright and will be able to cope better with social situations, friendships and work than he can. I don't know how much you praise him for his good points or tell him what you love about him? Maybe you could suggest him helping you or someone you're both close to with something he's good at or encourage/take interest in a hobby he has, to boost his self esteem? If he makes comments that upset you, it might be useful for you to initiate a short "time out" period and insist on an apology before you agree to continue as normal, as it's unacceptable for either person in a relationship to be made to feel unworthy or diminished by the other.

3. The attrition thing is why you'll be able to "switch off" the negative feelings quickly. He won't be able to do this. I believe that the quickly changing moods you describe are an NT trait, as I will take ages to feel better after a conflict situation. Our minds tend to replay what happened over and over in our heads, making us feel stupid and awkward. You need to give him time to recover and be patient. 

4. See my ideas in paragraph 2 of section 1 re talking to him about issues. Bear in mind that because we have problems reading the non verbal cues you do automatically, his brain has to work harder processing the meaning of what you are telling him. I find that because I'm a "people pleaser" and find it uncomfortable to disagree or refuse to do something, I can feel like my identity is being subsumed by others, so perhaps this is what happens to him when he says he thinks you'll bully him into agreeing with you? 

5. What you see as a "minor inconvenience" might be a major one to him. Driving is much more difficult for us, and many of us can't manage to do it (I cope OK in most areas of life but I don't drive). Whereas NT's brains learn to "filter" sensory inputs so that they can deal with several at once, for instance driving while listening to music, having a conversation and avoiding another car which just pulled out in front of them, Aspies' brains experience everything much more vividly so we can only focus successfully on one thing at a time, making driving pretty stressful and sensory overload a danger. 

Hope this gives you some ideas which will help 

Take care 

Pixie