Marriages and partnerships

Hi All,

I'm neurotypical dating a guy on the spectrum, and I need help.  We've only been dating for 6 months, but I really love him.  There's something different about him, and I genuinely think I would marry this guy.

The problem is that we've been fighting a lot lately.  There are a few main things that we're fighting about:

1) How to come to a compromise.  When we get into a disagreement, K's idea of a compromise is for him to leave for a month or a few, and then come back.  My idea is that we both should alter our behavior a little, and that's no problem.  Even as far as little things are concerned, he would sooner leave than try to change them - even though I know he loves me, and I think he would be happier staying.  I really don't think that he means to hurt my feelings when he suggests leaving. (To me, walking out is the worst thing a person can do.) I think that is his way of fixing the problem.  Am I running up against one of his "autism rules" when I'm asking him to change his behaviors or his method of doing things? Am I right to try to keep him from leaving when this happens?  What "things" is it unacceptable to ask him to change?

If it is an autism thing, I guess I should learn to let the little things go.  But how do I ask him to compromise with me on the big things without making him feel backed into a corner?

2) Problem behaviors and inappropriate comments: K's perspective is that the fact that he is still with me is proof that he cares about me, so he doesn't see a need to say a lot of positive things.  On the other hand, he has a very sharp sense of humor, and is constantly making jokes about me being dumb, unskilled, a pain in the neck, etc.  When I ask him about it, he says that he does believe those things.  As an NT person, I don't understand why you would be with a person if you don't think they're smart, and generally fabulous.  To me, it seems to be contradictory to my whole concept of love to think that your partner is generally below-average.  As an NT person, I expect a partner to say 5 good things for every bad thing, bad things being jokes about my inadequancies or complaints about something I'm doing.

I think K is just being realistic.  I know that he would never tell me something he doesn't think is true.  What is weird though is that I am a graduate student - the things he is saying are factually untrue.  I have tried to explain to him that it makes me feel bad when he says those things, and he says that if I don't like it, I should just leave.  He acts like this is a behavior that he both cannot and will not change.  Where should I draw the line between him being autistic and realistic, and him just being a jerk that happens to also be autistic?  If an NT guy responded in the same way, I would dump him immediately, because a failure to change his words, and stop saying what I consider to be mean things that hurt my feelings, would mean that I am not important to him. 

3) How do I fix things after a fight?

K can say very hurtful things to me during a fight, but as soon as we sit down and have a conversation, I feel better about it.  Very few things can be said to me that will bother me a day later, and I just assume that everything said during an argument is probably an exaggeration.  Even for an NT person, my moods change incredibly quickly - almost manically so.  I genuinely can't understand why K is still upset 2 minutes after I say I am sorry, much less why he is still upset a day or two later.  How do I rebuild his trust after a fight?  How do I take back something stupid that I said that I didn't mean?  How do I make him feel happy again quickly - or is that something that I just have to admit is not realistic?

4) How do I* talk with him about continuing relationship issues?

I genuinely want to sit down and talk to him about these things, but he is very resistant to doing so.  He says that he thinks I will bully him until he agrees with me.  I feel awful that he feels that way.  But I think that maybe he is getting that because I won't accept that him leaving is the right answer, and lately I have been unwilling to budge about how the things he says to me are rude and that he needs to stop saying them; I just don't know how to firmly ask that he treat me with respect, or how to firmly draw a bottom line without making him feel threatened.  I understand that his autism significantly influences his life, but how do I make him see that there are things that are very important to me, too, and that it doesn't have to be a battle every time our interests come into conflict?

5) Mind-reading and Double Standards:  This one goes both ways for both of us.  I only care about the *intention* behind an action, and K only cares about the *results* of an action.  We are both constantly misreading each others' behaviors, and we both accuse the other of having a double-standard, because we think that different things are equivalent.  For example, K thinks that it is a double-standard when I ask him to drive me to the clinic but will not skip an important family gathering for him, because he thinks that all I do is take from him - that I expect him to do whatever I ask and won't do what he asks.  I think that he compares very minor inconveniences to very large important event, and that they are not equivalent because their severity is different.  I think that it's a double standard when he won't drive me to the clinic because I drove him to the emergency room last week, and those things are in the same category.  To me, only things that are in the same category can be double-standards.  How do we get through to each other?

If you guys could please comment on any of this, I would really appreciate it.  I love him to death, and lately I'm making K miserable.  I just wish I understood all of this, and how to make him see that yes, I'm bungling this, but I genuinely do love him, and I'm only doing all of this because I love him and I want things to work out with him.  Please forgive me if I'm being patronizing by assuming that other people on the spectrum might understand this better!  I just don't know where to turn, and I really do want to make him happy.

Hi All,

I'm neurotypical dating a guy on the spectrum, and I need help.  We've only been dating for 6 months, but I really love him.  There's something different about him, and I genuinely think I would marry this guy.

The problem is that we've been fighting a lot lately.  There are a few main things that we're fighting about:

1) How to come to a compromise.  When we get into a disagreement, K's idea of a compromise is for him to leave for a month or a few, and then come back.  My idea is that we both should alter our behavior a little, and that's no problem.  Even as far as little things are concerned, he would sooner leave than try to change them - even though I know he loves me, and I think he would be happier staying.  I really don't think that he means to hurt my feelings when he suggests leaving. (To me, walking out is the worst thing a person can do.) I think that is his way of fixing the problem.  Am I running up against one of his "autism rules" when I'm asking him to change his behaviors or his method of doing things? Am I right to try to keep him from leaving when this happens?  What "things" is it unacceptable to ask him to change?

If it is an autism thing, I guess I should learn to let the little things go.  But how do I ask him to compromise with me on the big things without making him feel backed into a corner?

2) Problem behaviors and inappropriate comments: K's perspective is that the fact that he is still with me is proof that he cares about me, so he doesn't see a need to say a lot of positive things.  On the other hand, he has a very sharp sense of humor, and is constantly making jokes about me being dumb, unskilled, a pain in the neck, etc.  When I ask him about it, he says that he does believe those things.  As an NT person, I don't understand why you would be with a person if you don't think they're smart, and generally fabulous.  To me, it seems to be contradictory to my whole concept of love to think that your partner is generally below-average.  As an NT person, I expect a partner to say 5 good things for every bad thing, bad things being jokes about my inadequancies or complaints about something I'm doing.

I think K is just being realistic.  I know that he would never tell me something he doesn't think is true.  What is weird though is that I am a graduate student - the things he is saying are factually untrue.  I have tried to explain to him that it makes me feel bad when he says those things, and he says that if I don't like it, I should just leave.  He acts like this is a behavior that he both cannot and will not change.  Where should I draw the line between him being autistic and realistic, and him just being a jerk that happens to also be autistic?  If an NT guy responded in the same way, I would dump him immediately, because a failure to change his words, and stop saying what I consider to be mean things that hurt my feelings, would mean that I am not important to him. 

3) How do I fix things after a fight?

K can say very hurtful things to me during a fight, but as soon as we sit down and have a conversation, I feel better about it.  Very few things can be said to me that will bother me a day later, and I just assume that everything said during an argument is probably an exaggeration.  Even for an NT person, my moods change incredibly quickly - almost manically so.  I genuinely can't understand why K is still upset 2 minutes after I say I am sorry, much less why he is still upset a day or two later.  How do I rebuild his trust after a fight?  How do I take back something stupid that I said that I didn't mean?  How do I make him feel happy again quickly - or is that something that I just have to admit is not realistic?

4) How do I* talk with him about continuing relationship issues?

I genuinely want to sit down and talk to him about these things, but he is very resistant to doing so.  He says that he thinks I will bully him until he agrees with me.  I feel awful that he feels that way.  But I think that maybe he is getting that because I won't accept that him leaving is the right answer, and lately I have been unwilling to budge about how the things he says to me are rude and that he needs to stop saying them; I just don't know how to firmly ask that he treat me with respect, or how to firmly draw a bottom line without making him feel threatened.  I understand that his autism significantly influences his life, but how do I make him see that there are things that are very important to me, too, and that it doesn't have to be a battle every time our interests come into conflict?

5) Mind-reading and Double Standards:  This one goes both ways for both of us.  I only care about the *intention* behind an action, and K only cares about the *results* of an action.  We are both constantly misreading each others' behaviors, and we both accuse the other of having a double-standard, because we think that different things are equivalent.  For example, K thinks that it is a double-standard when I ask him to drive me to the clinic but will not skip an important family gathering for him, because he thinks that all I do is take from him - that I expect him to do whatever I ask and won't do what he asks.  I think that he compares very minor inconveniences to very large important event, and that they are not equivalent because their severity is different.  I think that it's a double standard when he won't drive me to the clinic because I drove him to the emergency room last week, and those things are in the same category.  To me, only things that are in the same category can be double-standards.  How do we get through to each other?

If you guys could please comment on any of this, I would really appreciate it.  I love him to death, and lately I'm making K miserable.  I just wish I understood all of this, and how to make him see that yes, I'm bungling this, but I genuinely do love him, and I'm only doing all of this because I love him and I want things to work out with him.  Please forgive me if I'm being patronizing by assuming that other people on the spectrum might understand this better!  I just don't know where to turn, and I really do want to make him happy.