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Marriages and partnerships

Lotus

I'm aware that there are people on the autism spectrum who struggle to get dates or to find someone they connect with.

I'm married to another aspie, but we met through mutual friends when we were in our late teens, so neither of us had to try hard to find someone. 

So I wondered if people who are married or in partnerships would be prepared to share their experiences of how they met, whether their partner is also on the spectrum, and anything else they think might be useful to people wanting to find that special person to share their life with. 

I have quite a practical approach - I couldn't wait to be asked out, I might have lost patience, so I made the first move and suggested we see each other on a trial basis and it went from there. It's been the best thing that ever happened to me,  and I do like to hear about people getting together... I guess that despite despising "love story" novels and movies, I actually might be a bit of a romantic aspie??? 

Parents

  • Hi MX, thanks for sharing your story.

    I don't think that any marriage / partnership is all plain sailing, but I agree that it can be very difficult at times for people on the autism spectrum. Even after knowing my partner for 40 years (and being married for nearly 38) we're still working on it.

    One thing that was a problem was that while we both always knew my partner was "different", neither of us had any idea until recently that I had aspergers. 

    Since finding this out, I've learned about what happens to me when I react to a "criticism" (and that what I perceive as one sometimes isn't actually a criticism of me). I now understand that I have affective empathy (also called emotional empathy) which means I'm highly sensitive to the negative emotions of others, which includes anxiety. So when I pick up anxiety in my partner, instead of reacting badly and making things worse I can now recognise it for what it is and act a bit more calmly (sometimes I need to go to another room briefly) and we can then talk and sort things out. 

    I also understand what a "meltdown" is and can recognise when I'm heading for one and "talk to myself" in my head to calm myself down. My partner also seems more aware of both my and his reactions to things since I've discussed with him how aspergers affects me and how we're different to most other people.

    Of course although we're both aspies we aren't identical personalities - so we have differences in the way we think about and react to certain things, but we have a shared core identity of sensitivity, independent thought and mutual trust.

Reply

  • Hi MX, thanks for sharing your story.

    I don't think that any marriage / partnership is all plain sailing, but I agree that it can be very difficult at times for people on the autism spectrum. Even after knowing my partner for 40 years (and being married for nearly 38) we're still working on it.

    One thing that was a problem was that while we both always knew my partner was "different", neither of us had any idea until recently that I had aspergers. 

    Since finding this out, I've learned about what happens to me when I react to a "criticism" (and that what I perceive as one sometimes isn't actually a criticism of me). I now understand that I have affective empathy (also called emotional empathy) which means I'm highly sensitive to the negative emotions of others, which includes anxiety. So when I pick up anxiety in my partner, instead of reacting badly and making things worse I can now recognise it for what it is and act a bit more calmly (sometimes I need to go to another room briefly) and we can then talk and sort things out. 

    I also understand what a "meltdown" is and can recognise when I'm heading for one and "talk to myself" in my head to calm myself down. My partner also seems more aware of both my and his reactions to things since I've discussed with him how aspergers affects me and how we're different to most other people.

    Of course although we're both aspies we aren't identical personalities - so we have differences in the way we think about and react to certain things, but we have a shared core identity of sensitivity, independent thought and mutual trust.

Children
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