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Marriages and partnerships

Lotus

I'm aware that there are people on the autism spectrum who struggle to get dates or to find someone they connect with.

I'm married to another aspie, but we met through mutual friends when we were in our late teens, so neither of us had to try hard to find someone. 

So I wondered if people who are married or in partnerships would be prepared to share their experiences of how they met, whether their partner is also on the spectrum, and anything else they think might be useful to people wanting to find that special person to share their life with. 

I have quite a practical approach - I couldn't wait to be asked out, I might have lost patience, so I made the first move and suggested we see each other on a trial basis and it went from there. It's been the best thing that ever happened to me,  and I do like to hear about people getting together... I guess that despite despising "love story" novels and movies, I actually might be a bit of a romantic aspie??? 

Parents

  • Hello Banjo's backpack

    You didn't say if your partner is on the autism spectrum or not, so there could be various reasons for the problems in your relationship.

    It appears that your partner is feeling insecure - perhaps this is because they don't get the reassurance from you that they want/need. For example, I heard that many Aspies will not bother to say "I love you" much, because they think that if nothing has changed, it is not necessary to keep saying it. But neurotypical people apparently have something that happens called "attrition", where if they don't get signs that an emotion still exists in someone they feel that it no longer exists (I hope I'm explaining this right). However some Aspies also need regular reassurance due to anxiety issues and being unable to "read" emotions in other people. So try paying them more attention, find something you like about them (new top, hair looking nice, etc.) and tell them, as well as remembering to say "I love you" more often.

    With regards to the having a baby issue, your partner may be feeling pressured to do this to conform, particularly if a woman, but may be having doubts about their ability to cope as well as yours. NT females usually see having children at some point as part of the identity they adopt at adolescence (and apparently once this identity is formed, it's hard for them to change), while an Aspie female who is trying to act NT will also feel this pressure to be like other women. If your partner is male, they may still be feeling pressure to do this if it's seen as some sort of "achievement" by their circle of friends.

    You need to communicate to your partner why you need time alone on your own sometimes, that it is better for your relationship if you can do this because you will be happier and more able to give them the love and support they need when you are with them after you have become calm again.

    And finally, it might help if you can learn to be more patient if your partner wants to spend time looking at sights. Try focusing on the sounds and smells around you, or maybe wear headphones and listen to music you enjoy if you really can't do it?

    Good luck

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  • Hello Banjo's backpack

    You didn't say if your partner is on the autism spectrum or not, so there could be various reasons for the problems in your relationship.

    It appears that your partner is feeling insecure - perhaps this is because they don't get the reassurance from you that they want/need. For example, I heard that many Aspies will not bother to say "I love you" much, because they think that if nothing has changed, it is not necessary to keep saying it. But neurotypical people apparently have something that happens called "attrition", where if they don't get signs that an emotion still exists in someone they feel that it no longer exists (I hope I'm explaining this right). However some Aspies also need regular reassurance due to anxiety issues and being unable to "read" emotions in other people. So try paying them more attention, find something you like about them (new top, hair looking nice, etc.) and tell them, as well as remembering to say "I love you" more often.

    With regards to the having a baby issue, your partner may be feeling pressured to do this to conform, particularly if a woman, but may be having doubts about their ability to cope as well as yours. NT females usually see having children at some point as part of the identity they adopt at adolescence (and apparently once this identity is formed, it's hard for them to change), while an Aspie female who is trying to act NT will also feel this pressure to be like other women. If your partner is male, they may still be feeling pressure to do this if it's seen as some sort of "achievement" by their circle of friends.

    You need to communicate to your partner why you need time alone on your own sometimes, that it is better for your relationship if you can do this because you will be happier and more able to give them the love and support they need when you are with them after you have become calm again.

    And finally, it might help if you can learn to be more patient if your partner wants to spend time looking at sights. Try focusing on the sounds and smells around you, or maybe wear headphones and listen to music you enjoy if you really can't do it?

    Good luck

Children
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