Marriages and partnerships

Hi there, perhaps someone can provide me with some ideas...

I am engaged to a NT girl. We are both in our mid 20's and we have been together 7 years. I love her, and I am sure she loves me, but there have been struggles, she has been depressed for a few years now, and only I noticed and tried my best to help, even when she was in denial, but only recently has she accepted that she is depressed. I was so happy that after the past few years, she finally got help for herself by talking to someone. It made me proud that she was fighting back at last, and it was a relief that I wasn't actually seeing things wrong after so much time. Strangely though, you only get so many meetings and then that's it, so I don't know where she goes now :(

She also has a perception where my previous relationship (which didn't last long, niether did I want it to), is a problem. She still hasn't let it go because she feels there was more to it than I have told her (and I told her absolutely everything), as if I had more fun with my ex than I am with her now. By not letting it go it means if she see's her or her friends it ends up ruining her day (and therefore probably mine later on). I have tried to reassure her every time. That's just one example, but for it to still be a thing 7 years later is really annoying me and it has done for a number of years, more so as time has passed by. These things are very frustrating, and in a nutshell, it effects things like trust now and also attractiveness.

She has blamed me for her depression which I disagree with because I try very hard to make her happy. I feel I can never really make her truly happy any longer though sadly. If we have a difference of opinion, even something small, I just agree with her. I feel she looks at social media in a bad way (all her friends doing things) and thinks we don't do enough 'fun things' (which i also disagree with). And especially in recent months, she vents that much that I end up having a sensory overload and need to lie down and usually go to sleep and end the day.

I find it tough obviously, having aspergers syndrome to interact with people, but because of her perceptions, I feel I have to avoid a lot of people, females especially, which means I tactically don't allow ourselves to be in a potential situation where she might not like a girl for whatever reason. (I was quite active on social media years ago, I spoke to everyone, so she thinks I was a bit of a lady's man i guess, when in fact I wasn't.). So even though there's nothing to something and I am faithful, it will annoy her. If we go into a shop and she see's someone she doesn't like she will get quite angry, just by looking at girls I haven't even had history with. I therefore try my best to avoid certain shops (a lot of them - another obstacle to those fun things I would like to do carefree and not have to tactically plan!).

Another example is back in high school, at the end of my time there, one girl who I got on with as friends (like most of them, I wasn't very forward) wrote that I was funny and cheesy - she was quite a quiet, ordinary, friendly person. I never thought anything of it until my fiancee seen what she wrote (along with many other comments) and now I dare not say even hi to her, like many other people otherwise I am just causing trouble for myself over nothing really. I love my fiancee so much and these things annoy me, and in fact they are making her less attractive because I feel untrusted, and question why do I bother when I am looked upon this way? The other argument that I have with myself is how much I love and care for her.

Another example is that I am a fitness trainer, and two of my female friends asked could I train them (I have never had any sort of thing with either), so I ran it by her and she isn't ok with it. She especially didn't like the idea of them recommending me to other girls. It is the main reason I have done everything to switch to males only and I stopped my fitness classes which were predominately female (which I didn't predict it would to be honest. Strangely she also suggested a few months ago that if we buy a house I could attach some sort of area for training clients. But I honestly don't want to even do the work I am doing anymore, questioning my professionalism, my loyalty to her, is quite hurtful and it has taken the joy out of the work I do.

Honestly I am losing attactiveness towards her purely because I feel she doesn't trust me, even though deep down I suspect she know's I am a good person and do my best for her. I used to go out of my way to apologise even if I wasn't wrong and make it up to her as best I could, but now I just agree with whatever she says, and it is getting a bit depressing too. I don't like the past continually being brought up despite attempts by myself to sort them out once and for all.  I feel like she is now holding me back a bit which is unfortunate and sad to me in it's own way. In a way, I have been thinking it might be better that, if i try to break up again, maybe it's better to say I have cheated on her because maybe it'll be a closure because she'll think she was right and she can move on and be happy, but I also don't want to cause unnecessary emotional damage either. It's a pity I am in this situation because I love her so much, I try so hard for her and she has a lovely welcoming family - plus all this aside I see how nice a person she is.

I thought it might be better to break up about 14 months ago, and I tried 3 times after a trip to Australia where she really worried me and I remember that she said she wish she never met me because of the beginning of our relationship and she'd have a better life. Australia was a test for me, I knew it would be being autistic, but I didn't want that to stop me being the determined person that I am. These further challenges made it quite hard to live my life long dream of fully enjoying a long trip out there. I want to go back and try again, but I dread ever going anywhere with her again if I am honest. A few months after the 3rd attempt of breaking up - where she didn't allow me to leave by blocking the door for me to exit) after I thought that was us, we got engaged. It was a happy few months and it felt like pure happiness was back. I was hoping it will focus her and reassure her and show her that I really love her and I am committed. Now though, I think it might have actually made things worse down the track. Sometimes she doesn't even say I love you every once in a while, responding to me when I say it with the word 'thanks'.

Strangely during this period which I thought was a peak happiness that we have had, she has nitpicked in a way. I tried my best to make it special, memorable and nice. I proposed on a park bench. Now she holds against me that I didn't get down on one knee, which I forgot to do in the moment out of nerves, I was expecting a no. She also questions why I bought myself a Nintendo months before the ring, which in my defence was something I wanted for years and I treated myself after money struggles on returning from Australia when I secured a job. To me, it is irrelevant, and the ring cost much more than the Nintendo did.

She has blamed me for her depression which I disagree with because I try very hard to make her happy. I feel I can never do that now though sadly. If we have a difference of opinion, even something small, I just agree with her. I feel she looks at social media in a bad way (all her friends doing things) and thinks we don't do enough 'fun things' (which i also disagree with). And especially in recent months, she vents that much that I end up having a sensory overload and need to lie down and usually go to sleep and end the day.

It's got to the point where I am not caring anymore. I am not being nasty, I am just separating myself and I use exercise to keep myself calm and collected, to function properly. It's tough. I honestly think she doesn't want to marry me. I suggested that if she didn't want to, I would understand and we can calmly move on. She seemed to be worried about what people might think or what they might say and what I might say about her. I would only have ever said it was nice to spend the time that we had together and it was a huge pity that it didn't work out.

Could anyone give me their opinion on what they think on my experience? I would really appreciate any advice. Thank you. :)

Hi there, perhaps someone can provide me with some ideas...

I am engaged to a NT girl. We are both in our mid 20's and we have been together 7 years. I love her, and I am sure she loves me, but there have been struggles, she has been depressed for a few years now, and only I noticed and tried my best to help, even when she was in denial, but only recently has she accepted that she is depressed. I was so happy that after the past few years, she finally got help for herself by talking to someone. It made me proud that she was fighting back at last, and it was a relief that I wasn't actually seeing things wrong after so much time. Strangely though, you only get so many meetings and then that's it, so I don't know where she goes now :(

She also has a perception where my previous relationship (which didn't last long, niether did I want it to), is a problem. She still hasn't let it go because she feels there was more to it than I have told her (and I told her absolutely everything), as if I had more fun with my ex than I am with her now. By not letting it go it means if she see's her or her friends it ends up ruining her day (and therefore probably mine later on). I have tried to reassure her every time. That's just one example, but for it to still be a thing 7 years later is really annoying me and it has done for a number of years, more so as time has passed by. These things are very frustrating, and in a nutshell, it effects things like trust now and also attractiveness.

She has blamed me for her depression which I disagree with because I try very hard to make her happy. I feel I can never really make her truly happy any longer though sadly. If we have a difference of opinion, even something small, I just agree with her. I feel she looks at social media in a bad way (all her friends doing things) and thinks we don't do enough 'fun things' (which i also disagree with). And especially in recent months, she vents that much that I end up having a sensory overload and need to lie down and usually go to sleep and end the day.

I find it tough obviously, having aspergers syndrome to interact with people, but because of her perceptions, I feel I have to avoid a lot of people, females especially, which means I tactically don't allow ourselves to be in a potential situation where she might not like a girl for whatever reason. (I was quite active on social media years ago, I spoke to everyone, so she thinks I was a bit of a lady's man i guess, when in fact I wasn't.). So even though there's nothing to something and I am faithful, it will annoy her. If we go into a shop and she see's someone she doesn't like she will get quite angry, just by looking at girls I haven't even had history with. I therefore try my best to avoid certain shops (a lot of them - another obstacle to those fun things I would like to do carefree and not have to tactically plan!).

Another example is back in high school, at the end of my time there, one girl who I got on with as friends (like most of them, I wasn't very forward) wrote that I was funny and cheesy - she was quite a quiet, ordinary, friendly person. I never thought anything of it until my fiancee seen what she wrote (along with many other comments) and now I dare not say even hi to her, like many other people otherwise I am just causing trouble for myself over nothing really. I love my fiancee so much and these things annoy me, and in fact they are making her less attractive because I feel untrusted, and question why do I bother when I am looked upon this way? The other argument that I have with myself is how much I love and care for her.

Another example is that I am a fitness trainer, and two of my female friends asked could I train them (I have never had any sort of thing with either), so I ran it by her and she isn't ok with it. She especially didn't like the idea of them recommending me to other girls. It is the main reason I have done everything to switch to males only and I stopped my fitness classes which were predominately female (which I didn't predict it would to be honest. Strangely she also suggested a few months ago that if we buy a house I could attach some sort of area for training clients. But I honestly don't want to even do the work I am doing anymore, questioning my professionalism, my loyalty to her, is quite hurtful and it has taken the joy out of the work I do.

Honestly I am losing attactiveness towards her purely because I feel she doesn't trust me, even though deep down I suspect she know's I am a good person and do my best for her. I used to go out of my way to apologise even if I wasn't wrong and make it up to her as best I could, but now I just agree with whatever she says, and it is getting a bit depressing too. I don't like the past continually being brought up despite attempts by myself to sort them out once and for all.  I feel like she is now holding me back a bit which is unfortunate and sad to me in it's own way. In a way, I have been thinking it might be better that, if i try to break up again, maybe it's better to say I have cheated on her because maybe it'll be a closure because she'll think she was right and she can move on and be happy, but I also don't want to cause unnecessary emotional damage either. It's a pity I am in this situation because I love her so much, I try so hard for her and she has a lovely welcoming family - plus all this aside I see how nice a person she is.

I thought it might be better to break up about 14 months ago, and I tried 3 times after a trip to Australia where she really worried me and I remember that she said she wish she never met me because of the beginning of our relationship and she'd have a better life. Australia was a test for me, I knew it would be being autistic, but I didn't want that to stop me being the determined person that I am. These further challenges made it quite hard to live my life long dream of fully enjoying a long trip out there. I want to go back and try again, but I dread ever going anywhere with her again if I am honest. A few months after the 3rd attempt of breaking up - where she didn't allow me to leave by blocking the door for me to exit) after I thought that was us, we got engaged. It was a happy few months and it felt like pure happiness was back. I was hoping it will focus her and reassure her and show her that I really love her and I am committed. Now though, I think it might have actually made things worse down the track. Sometimes she doesn't even say I love you every once in a while, responding to me when I say it with the word 'thanks'.

Strangely during this period which I thought was a peak happiness that we have had, she has nitpicked in a way. I tried my best to make it special, memorable and nice. I proposed on a park bench. Now she holds against me that I didn't get down on one knee, which I forgot to do in the moment out of nerves, I was expecting a no. She also questions why I bought myself a Nintendo months before the ring, which in my defence was something I wanted for years and I treated myself after money struggles on returning from Australia when I secured a job. To me, it is irrelevant, and the ring cost much more than the Nintendo did.

She has blamed me for her depression which I disagree with because I try very hard to make her happy. I feel I can never do that now though sadly. If we have a difference of opinion, even something small, I just agree with her. I feel she looks at social media in a bad way (all her friends doing things) and thinks we don't do enough 'fun things' (which i also disagree with). And especially in recent months, she vents that much that I end up having a sensory overload and need to lie down and usually go to sleep and end the day.

It's got to the point where I am not caring anymore. I am not being nasty, I am just separating myself and I use exercise to keep myself calm and collected, to function properly. It's tough. I honestly think she doesn't want to marry me. I suggested that if she didn't want to, I would understand and we can calmly move on. She seemed to be worried about what people might think or what they might say and what I might say about her. I would only have ever said it was nice to spend the time that we had together and it was a huge pity that it didn't work out.

Could anyone give me their opinion on what they think on my experience? I would really appreciate any advice. Thank you. :)