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Marriages and partnerships

Lotus

I'm aware that there are people on the autism spectrum who struggle to get dates or to find someone they connect with.

I'm married to another aspie, but we met through mutual friends when we were in our late teens, so neither of us had to try hard to find someone. 

So I wondered if people who are married or in partnerships would be prepared to share their experiences of how they met, whether their partner is also on the spectrum, and anything else they think might be useful to people wanting to find that special person to share their life with. 

I have quite a practical approach - I couldn't wait to be asked out, I might have lost patience, so I made the first move and suggested we see each other on a trial basis and it went from there. It's been the best thing that ever happened to me,  and I do like to hear about people getting together... I guess that despite despising "love story" novels and movies, I actually might be a bit of a romantic aspie??? 

Parents

  • Hi banjosbackpack 

    I don't know the answer, but here are my thoughts:

    You state that your partner is NT. Is this proven? Has she ever taken the AQ test? I ask this because I'm an aspie female and I wouldn't have been able to deal with my partner spending time with other women in the way you would if you were their personal trainer. Also Aspies find it harder to forget the past - we don't have the attrition of feelings that NT's experience, so we can re-live something years later. Aspie females often very successfully mask their traits and learn to behave in a neurotypical way. 

    If she is still depressed, why has the counselling stopped?  Her GP has a duty to ensure she can access this treatment if she still needs it. 

    Regarding the jealousy, the roots of this could be low self esteem and/or being cheated on in a previous relationship. If you don't talk about it, this may signal to her that you're trying to cover something up. Getting her to discuss with you why she feels this way and trying to show her that you understand may be more successful than continuously trying to reassure her that nothing is going on. 

    You say she gets jealous when she sees your ex. How do you behave when this happens? If you are with her, do you acknowledge your ex in any way? If so, you need to make sure that in future you ignore her completely. If you're not with your partner when she sees your ex but she tells you later do you instantly go on the defensive? Try to empathise with her instead. 

    I believe that for a relationship to work, each partner must be totally committed to each other, show complete loyalty when in the company of others (even if you argue in private),  be able to discuss anything and listen to and take seriously each other's worries and concerns, no matter how small. 

    If you are really in love with each other, I believe you can make it work. It might be hard work at first though.

    Good luck

Reply

  • Hi banjosbackpack 

    I don't know the answer, but here are my thoughts:

    You state that your partner is NT. Is this proven? Has she ever taken the AQ test? I ask this because I'm an aspie female and I wouldn't have been able to deal with my partner spending time with other women in the way you would if you were their personal trainer. Also Aspies find it harder to forget the past - we don't have the attrition of feelings that NT's experience, so we can re-live something years later. Aspie females often very successfully mask their traits and learn to behave in a neurotypical way. 

    If she is still depressed, why has the counselling stopped?  Her GP has a duty to ensure she can access this treatment if she still needs it. 

    Regarding the jealousy, the roots of this could be low self esteem and/or being cheated on in a previous relationship. If you don't talk about it, this may signal to her that you're trying to cover something up. Getting her to discuss with you why she feels this way and trying to show her that you understand may be more successful than continuously trying to reassure her that nothing is going on. 

    You say she gets jealous when she sees your ex. How do you behave when this happens? If you are with her, do you acknowledge your ex in any way? If so, you need to make sure that in future you ignore her completely. If you're not with your partner when she sees your ex but she tells you later do you instantly go on the defensive? Try to empathise with her instead. 

    I believe that for a relationship to work, each partner must be totally committed to each other, show complete loyalty when in the company of others (even if you argue in private),  be able to discuss anything and listen to and take seriously each other's worries and concerns, no matter how small. 

    If you are really in love with each other, I believe you can make it work. It might be hard work at first though.

    Good luck

Children
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