Want to be dead

Dude - nightmare !

Sorry that I hadn't spotted this one......it has been a really busy week or so for me.

Having just replied to one of your more recent posts about inertia - I assume that you have regained your poise.  I'm pleased.

So, rather than try to soothe and big-you-back-up, I'll tell you something vaguely related to "Want to be dead" that might entertain?

Two days ago, I didn't want to be dead - but I gave it a really good go anyway !!  

With a cheap steel chisel in my left hand, and a club hammer in my right hand, I severed a live 100 Amp electrical cable that was about 8 inches away from my face.  The result was a 2m diameter fireball (plasma actually), with my face at the epicentre.  My eye brows are now at 50% occupancy on my face and my eye lashes are at 20% of their original length!  I have a very unpleasant smell of burnt hair most of the time and I await a bill of circa £2k from UK Power Networks who came to dig the road in order to do the repair.  The cable was routed diagonally, was not where it should have been, was not marked and nor was it armoured - I completely severed it.  B  O  O  M  !!  Wise choice of PPE seems to have saved me (for the majority)......and for those with a faith, I believe that the Big Guy upstairs had a protective hand ready for me - no idea why, as always!

Ain't life funny !?  I have subsequently watched a few youtube videos about "Arc Flash" - which is what I created - and it seems like I am a VERY lucky human.

Count your blessings everyone - we never know when the candle will get blown out - whether you want it or not.  

It makes me feel less alone to read this.  Thank you.  It helps me to know that my perception is the problem and that this feeling of being overwhelmed will pass.  I live alone and when I feel under pressure I believe that I would be better if something in my circumstances would change. But maybe the answer is to let this emotional weather storm pass away in its own time, not mine. I’ve been here before.  It passed.  Maybe this feeling might also pass.  Who knows?  In the heat of the experience the fearful attribute is the seeming inability to know the most important truth:  this, too, shall pass.   
Am I alone now?  Four days ago I liked this situation.  But tomorrow I have to do difficult  challenging work at my job and I’m threatened because if that fails my Catastrophic thinking tells me that my job fails, then my mortgage fails, then nowhere to live, out on the street.  Then Why not get it over with?  It’s hyperfocus on ‘that which does not exist’.

Catastrophic thinking is part of my disordered thinking. I can’t fight it.  I have to surrender to it.  Instead of grappling with this mind, these emotions, I need to let them be and live their brief lives out until they pass away in their alotted lifespan.  

Thank you that means so much!

Hi Lucy, thank you for your message. I am honestly feeling so much better now. Dont get me wrong life is still scary and there is so much to sort out and still dealing with lots of anxiety but Ifeel like I have a lot to live for. My family are amazing and I feel alot better about my life. I think getting it out actually helped if that makes sense 

Yes I agree, unfortunatley I dont seem to be able to do anything other than conventonal work to earn money. It is a puzzle for me

Sometimes, we have to get off the Hamster Wheel.

Conventional work will NO LONGER achieve prosperity. I had the same issues, myself. We have to find outside-the-box methods of earning.

I know the feeling, as I too when had thoughts of not being here. But in the words of Brian Griffin from family guy mentioned that sometimes it’s all too much and Rhys just life everything. I used the service SHOUT where you ca text the counsellor and has been helpful. And I agree with everyone Samaritans and the forum are here if you need it ️

I'm glad some of your later posts are saying how you're now calmer. We all have these rage moments. I think we might all need some coping strategies for when life overloads us like this. I'm quite lucky as I have a home office to withdraw to, but as a recently diagnosed sufferer I am still recognising my triggers, and there are loads of them, next doors dog yapping at me every time I leave via the back door doesn't help. 

Not sure if you've ever had CBT, but it is worth it. It sounds like you might benefit. You won't know what tomorrow may bring unless you're here. Don't do anything rash, tomorrow might be a brighter day. 

It's really hard when we tend to be all or nothing on the emotions and they can be overwhelming for us to process. You have a lot on and in time you'll see that you got through it. Try to take some time out from it all if you can or speak to someone. Try to break it down into chunks...get through the next few hours or next day and things will start to feel differently at some point. Hang in there.

Hi Billy, I'm glad you are feeling a little calmer now. 

Keep being awesome! Xx

Hi Billy. I felt the same a few weeks ago, but I told myself the intense feelings will die down. It was true. You are a valuable person and we care about you. Try and get through a minute at a time, and build it up from there when you are ready. We are here for you. N x

Thank you everyone, feeling a little bit calmer now

Thank you, thats lovely

Oh my dear Billy I'm sorry you are feeling like this. Please don't give up. You are so strong you've got this far and I know you can get through this.

Please call Samaritans if you need to. They are there to offer support and encouragement during difficult times.

If you don't feel you can keep yourself safe please do go to your local emergency department or call 999.

I'm glad you felt able to write here how you feel. That takes courage and I'm proud of you.

Take care Billy. Sending you strength and positivity.

Like others have said, the Samaritans can be helpful if you need to talk to someone quickly. If you can hold on then the GP is a good place to start. And if you feel totally desperate and you have reached a crisis point, then please call 999 or walk into A&E. Tell them how you feel, they should be there to help.  

I’m so sorry.

please remember that crisis periods are temporary and they do end. Reach out for whatever support you can call on. Talk to your GP. Could you take a short break somewhere for a couple of days to give yourself some breathing space from the pressures at home?

Know how you feel billy, trust me.  These feelings will pass.  In this moment, it wont feel like it but things will work themselves out.  You sound like you have alot to deal with at the moment and probably are in the thick of it but you will be o.k.  if you need to talk, send me a d.m or reach out to someone close if you can

I hear you Billy.

The autistic imperitive to flight or fight when getting abused battles with the fact that you love them and they need you.

Is there anywhere you can hide for a few days away from the chaos? Family or friends? Camping?

You'll burn-out if you keep melting down.

Peace, strength.

I'm️ new here but I want you to know I care and am here for you. Happy to chat anytime you need to xx

I went through similar when I first had my daughter and spoke to Samaritans a couple of times, they were a big support. If you can maybe try and get some professional help see if they can give you a helper like a support nurse who can help you through things. I have one and she's a life saver.

But please look after yourself.

We care, we are here for you x

Billy. Please don't do anything rash.

Call the Samaritans or continue talking to us here.

We care for you.