How to find friends/girlfriend as an autistic male, 19

Well patience is something I don't have in abundance, I'm extremely impatient, I have ADHD so with ASD some things are complete opposites so theres like this internal war in my mind. 

I feel there is pressure on me but most of it comes from myself, because I see where other people are at in their lives - but i don't just want what they have because they have it, i genuinely want to have things like a girlfriend or a couple of friends.

Ideally neurotypicals tbh. I made a friend at university who was ADHD and I think he could also have had NPD because he went offline without telling me for months, i thought he was dead or something, then comes back and admits hes selfish etc. 

Yes, this is my thought. I was in an autistic coaching group session today and we had to be paired up (hated that in school because no one would ever want to be paired up with me lol) , and got paired up with this guy. We had to talk about what we wanted to achieve socially and what the challenges were. We managed to talk about that, and then no joke we just sat in the most awkward silence for like two minutes. I had to try hard not to laugh at the situation. 

it would be easier to date a very sociable neurotypical... because shed be so sociable shed interact with you making it easier and making it so you dont have to think of what to say, she does all the work basically... if you dated a autistic girl, youd both be silent and awkward and no side would really break the ice... it is better to date your opposite in that respect.

So whaat do I do? Do I just put on an act which I kind have done in the past? Or just wait it out? That's quite some time and I've been feeling this way since the age of 14. I'm going to be 20 in less than a year. 

I think that's my own worst enemy some times. People take advantage and then like I'll meet a girl and theyre like "oh you're too nice for me". 

I always find talking to women easier than men, I don't know why but apparently it is an autistic thing that we find the opposite sex easier to talk to.

I just don't know how to be in the situation where I'm meeting people in the first place.

I'm having autistic coaching and this came up today - I'm basically starting from nothing in terms of social connections.

It's crazy. You could put a gun to my head and I wouldn't blink, put me in a room with some strangers and expect me to talk and it would be my worst nightmare.

The thing that makes it worse is the stereotypes. There's this assumption that autistic people like things like games and other stuff, that's just not me. I'm mild. My interests are pretty much the same as for the average straight neurotypical male of my age. 

The only time I've been confident - was brieflyt at uni and was drinking a bit and all the guys there were always shocked at how confident I appeared with girls. Unfortunately, this led to a lot of malicous speculation about me. 

That's pretty much what happened to me.

With the added bonus that most of the flashy "hunky" guys look and were completely "ruined" by their late thirties, whereas I seem to have just got to be a better prospect as I got older.

(Whilst they were out having a good time, I was developing comprehensive "caring" and "DIY" skills).

Also the more partners you have, the harder it becomes to fall in love & stay in the relationship that develops from falling in love. It seems to be cumulative too. (from observation)

Those who are selling all this new fangled "50 shades of grey" pursuit of "maximum orgasm, you can be anything you want", are viciously concealing the downsides to some of the lifestyles that they have been trying to push onto our kids with increasing effectiveness since I was a nipper. 

Reproductive sex has a vital purpose in life and sets you on a course that you are designed to follow, whereas  vapid pleasure seeking, not so much. 

I was taught in my youth, that a full human relationship had a triangle of Love, Sex, and Marriage where each leg of the triangle synergises with and reinforces the others. I've found little evidence to disprove it in the 48 years. Forming a relationship based simply on love or sex doesn't seem to cut it for very long. 

Yes, it's frustrating, but it can get better over time. At your age most women, and men for that matter, are really only out for a good time, relationship-wise and sexually. Apparently shy and undemonstrative autistic men are not a great catch, in that scene. But when women reach their mid to late 20s they tend to start looking for long-term relationships and more reliable, less loud, less flashy men become a lot more attractive. 

I'm sorry to read this.  I felt the same way for a very long time.

I mostly agree with what other people have written here.  I don't think your situation is hopeless, but I do think people on the spectrum take longer to find friends and partners than NTs.  I certainly took a very long time.  Please try not to give up hope.  I agree it would be good if you can try to find somewhere, perhaps focused on an activity you enjoy, where you can meet people without the pressure to make small talk.

My burnout was somewhere between 1.5 to 5 years...depending on how you define it.

I built myself a padded cell and put myself in it for for the first 13 months - and I'm not joking!

I'm stubborn like a dead donkey !

I found out I was autistic at 50.  Hit me like a lightening bolt.  I realised that I had already crafted almost everything in my life to accommodate my unknown autism - hence why I had been able to survive so long with only cyclical burnouts (albeit damaging ones) and generally under the ND radar.

Now I working out how to thrive (hopefully) as my authentic self,  rather than just survive as a masked mannequin.

Forget girlfriends, find friends. That way your social life explodes outwards and you’ll meet more people to connect with, maybe someone special.

I think when you own who you are and how you are, and accept it, you will find the right people will come a long when you least expect it or are looking. At 19 you haven’t lived, so no, you haven’t had plenty of time for that. I’m 49 and I’m still learning.

if you use apps, be clear what you want. Start with your bio and in any opening messages.

Two bits of advice.

Cultivate having a "good heart", people really like that, and it will compensate for a lot of the autistic difference. (As well as make your own life more pleasant and manageable.

And, there's a book I recommend in my profile that was enormously helpful to me when I was in my twenties, to both obtain and manage my human relationships.

That happened to me with the one time I did internet dating back in 2002.

I bought a three day pass to a dating site, scrolled through 400 profiles at the end of the third day, picked 16 that I liked the look of, wrote to all of them telling 'em (just as my profile says) I don't have money, this is my last day of being able to use this system so please reply via email if you'd like to talk. fur replied which rapidly became three for a week or so until one of them dated me.

Today, may be our twentieth anniversary...  

It's not been an easy ride, I'll be honest, she does not "enable" me like my previous partner did with paperwork and form filling, so I transitioned  for being moderately affluent to totally skint quite quickly which I could not understand, and which has put an enormous strain on the relationship over the last twenty years, but when I got my diagnosis a couple of years back it made things a lot easier for both of us.

Haha I went the same way, and I managed until 41y.o. I say I'm stubborn like a donkey,  My burnout lasted 1 year and 9 months

I found out I'm autistic at 42y.o. 

I'm 43 now and newly born, developing new systems to make it possible to survive, All I build before burnout burned, and some memories too, mostly dictionaries in foreign languages, and it was random deletion, who knows what I lost.

but I heard others saying they had one when they were 30y.o..

Mariusz said:

NAS81486 said:

don't put NT pressure on yourself "to perform."

apply that to everything, so you don't end up burnout by 30y.o.

.....or in my case (because I'm super stubborn, self reliant and thought I was NT) 45 y.o. !

The longer it takes to reach that "Mega / Long-term Burnout" = the hotter you will then burn baby !!

Always be yourself (even if you don't like yourself that much and are not happy.)

Unknown said:

don't put NT pressure on yourself "to perform."

apply that to everything, so you don't end up burnout by 30y.o.

You are probably just missing one vital thing..........patience!

Keep going to the gym.  Keep driving.  Keep writing.

Keep yourself sane and calm.  (That's an important one mate!)

Keep your eyes and heart open.

Keep your options open and don't discount anyone for any reason.

In my experience, some of the least likely people that I could have ever have imagined (thinking back to when and how I met them) have became my most cherished friends.  I don't have many.

It isn't quantity, its quality that matters in the long run...........but we all need to survive day-to-day too.

So in the meanwhile - one of my mantras = "company is company"

Seek out company wherever and whenever you can.

Stay calm and collected and don't put NT pressure on yourself "to perform."  You are who you are and that's fine.

Take a walk - its a big world out there filled with possibilities - but it does take time, so be patient.

Good luck.

I don’t have any good advice regarding optimising your approach to interacting with girls. The advice I can give you is if you feel the odds are against you you need to play the numbers. If finding a girl is 10 times harder you need to meet 10 times as many girls as your neurotypical peers. You need to be supper socially engaged even if that makes you very uncomfortable. Go to every party you’re invited to (if any) in fact if you can do so invite yourself. Join all the student clubs. Mix and mix with people even if it makes your skin crawl. Hopefully after a while you’ll get an idea of which places have the girls that might be open to being with a guy like you.