How to find friends/girlfriend as an autistic male, 19

Sounds exactly like myself as a kid, WOW!, Just wow!

O.K. Know this: For initial dating purposes MOST people put on an act. I have a cartoon somewhere of a pretty woman saying, "now that we have been dating for three months I can begin to show you snippets of the monster I really am". Which is a bit cynical and humorous but there is enough truth there to make it darkly humorous...

Now my approach when I was in your situation was to socialise as widely as possible whilst essentially being as nice a version of myself as possible. 

I had loads of near misses in my search for a relationship and I now can see with hindsight how my lack of unspoken communication skills I completely failed to take advantage of sexual opportunities.

In between failed attempts or near misses, I tried to just find ways to enjoy being myself and get along with people better. By creating a wide circle of friends and rotating myself between them (as soon as I felt that either I or they were being anything less than enthusiastic about the friendship) I managed to build up and manage a huge number of "friends" (over 100 real face-time not "Facebook" friends) but it still took me until 21 to lose my virginity, and until 27 to get my first permanent real girlfriend. It was a very trying time for me.

But, because I filled that time with studying how to be nice and understand people, (plus I always had the love of my cat, and that meant I never went back to an empty house, or woke up alone, as well as I had to learn how to look after a "dependent" Yes cat's are the most independent creatures known to man, but they still need feeding, watering, taking to the vet if they are unlucky, and they add a usually small extra burden as far as housework goes if they have a litter..) but f you do it properly they also like a bit of catnip, playing with, love and affection, "quiet time" door opening service (especially if the door has an actual cat flap!). And if you do it real properly, you'll end up knowing by spooky means exactly what they want this time. 

But you KNOW you are autistic...

Hopefully that will shorten the curve quite a bit for you compared to what I went through. OTOH whilst I waited for "my turn to come" because I was nice and approachable and often stuck in a girls "friendzone" I got an awful lot of opportunities to learn about other peoples relationships, and instead of concentrating on feeling left out, I just tried to learn how to avoid the more common mistakes (Like infidelity, it's ALWAYS  a blunder it seems, even if it leads to a new relationship, you both know first hand that you are a faithless person when things are not going your way... And the guys who try to juggle multiple women simply cannot do anything else, except spent their free time trying to make the lies hold together!) 

Having a good heart is WAY different from being a doormat. I made that mistake long ago, too!

But most people when they realise that they are getting taken advantage of, start closing themselves down into a mean way of living, and that does not work very well either. The secret is to decide who you will let take advantage of you (because they need to and it will make a difference) and this includes MOST "beggars" I believe (ignoring the stories of the few who make a sucessful living at it). so whilst becoming more discretionary you DON'T loose your good heart. 

*Edit* and sometimes "your'e too nice for me" might be a way of saying "you repel me, but I know deep down that I am shallow as a puddle, so have this nice platitude instead"... You had a narrow escape probably!

Secondary school really is a terrible place for an autistic child.

I was horrendouslly bullied in my first year, had to leave, two years later I begin experiencing symptoms of PTSD and am so scared of being attacked and humiliated I barely left the house on my own for two years. The worst part about it was that a lot of the bullying was done by girls which made it even more humiliating. Girls have never treated me particuarly well, to be honest! I use Tinder and some girls on there...one of the most humilating things in my life, I was in a national newspaper for apparently being the "worst date"....though to be honest everyone agrees the girl was horrible looks wise and personality and everyone slated her in the comments XD https://www.thesun.co.uk/fabulous/17321276/first-date-mcdonalds-spoons-shard/ 

aye i always hated the picking games.... i not only get picked last.... but even when im last, i dont get picked, they always just decided to go on with 1 player less on their team rather than pick me. always sucked. 

Well patience is something I don't have in abundance, I'm extremely impatient, I have ADHD so with ASD some things are complete opposites so theres like this internal war in my mind. 

I feel there is pressure on me but most of it comes from myself, because I see where other people are at in their lives - but i don't just want what they have because they have it, i genuinely want to have things like a girlfriend or a couple of friends.

Ideally neurotypicals tbh. I made a friend at university who was ADHD and I think he could also have had NPD because he went offline without telling me for months, i thought he was dead or something, then comes back and admits hes selfish etc. 

Yes, this is my thought. I was in an autistic coaching group session today and we had to be paired up (hated that in school because no one would ever want to be paired up with me lol) , and got paired up with this guy. We had to talk about what we wanted to achieve socially and what the challenges were. We managed to talk about that, and then no joke we just sat in the most awkward silence for like two minutes. I had to try hard not to laugh at the situation. 

it would be easier to date a very sociable neurotypical... because shed be so sociable shed interact with you making it easier and making it so you dont have to think of what to say, she does all the work basically... if you dated a autistic girl, youd both be silent and awkward and no side would really break the ice... it is better to date your opposite in that respect.

So whaat do I do? Do I just put on an act which I kind have done in the past? Or just wait it out? That's quite some time and I've been feeling this way since the age of 14. I'm going to be 20 in less than a year. 

I think that's my own worst enemy some times. People take advantage and then like I'll meet a girl and theyre like "oh you're too nice for me". 

I always find talking to women easier than men, I don't know why but apparently it is an autistic thing that we find the opposite sex easier to talk to.

I just don't know how to be in the situation where I'm meeting people in the first place.

I'm having autistic coaching and this came up today - I'm basically starting from nothing in terms of social connections.

It's crazy. You could put a gun to my head and I wouldn't blink, put me in a room with some strangers and expect me to talk and it would be my worst nightmare.

The thing that makes it worse is the stereotypes. There's this assumption that autistic people like things like games and other stuff, that's just not me. I'm mild. My interests are pretty much the same as for the average straight neurotypical male of my age. 

The only time I've been confident - was brieflyt at uni and was drinking a bit and all the guys there were always shocked at how confident I appeared with girls. Unfortunately, this led to a lot of malicous speculation about me. 

That's pretty much what happened to me.

With the added bonus that most of the flashy "hunky" guys look and were completely "ruined" by their late thirties, whereas I seem to have just got to be a better prospect as I got older.

(Whilst they were out having a good time, I was developing comprehensive "caring" and "DIY" skills).

Also the more partners you have, the harder it becomes to fall in love & stay in the relationship that develops from falling in love. It seems to be cumulative too. (from observation)

Those who are selling all this new fangled "50 shades of grey" pursuit of "maximum orgasm, you can be anything you want", are viciously concealing the downsides to some of the lifestyles that they have been trying to push onto our kids with increasing effectiveness since I was a nipper. 

Reproductive sex has a vital purpose in life and sets you on a course that you are designed to follow, whereas  vapid pleasure seeking, not so much. 

I was taught in my youth, that a full human relationship had a triangle of Love, Sex, and Marriage where each leg of the triangle synergises with and reinforces the others. I've found little evidence to disprove it in the 48 years. Forming a relationship based simply on love or sex doesn't seem to cut it for very long. 

Yes, it's frustrating, but it can get better over time. At your age most women, and men for that matter, are really only out for a good time, relationship-wise and sexually. Apparently shy and undemonstrative autistic men are not a great catch, in that scene. But when women reach their mid to late 20s they tend to start looking for long-term relationships and more reliable, less loud, less flashy men become a lot more attractive. 

I'm sorry to read this.  I felt the same way for a very long time.

I mostly agree with what other people have written here.  I don't think your situation is hopeless, but I do think people on the spectrum take longer to find friends and partners than NTs.  I certainly took a very long time.  Please try not to give up hope.  I agree it would be good if you can try to find somewhere, perhaps focused on an activity you enjoy, where you can meet people without the pressure to make small talk.

My burnout was somewhere between 1.5 to 5 years...depending on how you define it.

I built myself a padded cell and put myself in it for for the first 13 months - and I'm not joking!

I'm stubborn like a dead donkey !

I found out I was autistic at 50.  Hit me like a lightening bolt.  I realised that I had already crafted almost everything in my life to accommodate my unknown autism - hence why I had been able to survive so long with only cyclical burnouts (albeit damaging ones) and generally under the ND radar.

Now I working out how to thrive (hopefully) as my authentic self,  rather than just survive as a masked mannequin.

Forget girlfriends, find friends. That way your social life explodes outwards and you’ll meet more people to connect with, maybe someone special.

I think when you own who you are and how you are, and accept it, you will find the right people will come a long when you least expect it or are looking. At 19 you haven’t lived, so no, you haven’t had plenty of time for that. I’m 49 and I’m still learning.

if you use apps, be clear what you want. Start with your bio and in any opening messages.

Two bits of advice.

Cultivate having a "good heart", people really like that, and it will compensate for a lot of the autistic difference. (As well as make your own life more pleasant and manageable.

And, there's a book I recommend in my profile that was enormously helpful to me when I was in my twenties, to both obtain and manage my human relationships.

That happened to me with the one time I did internet dating back in 2002.

I bought a three day pass to a dating site, scrolled through 400 profiles at the end of the third day, picked 16 that I liked the look of, wrote to all of them telling 'em (just as my profile says) I don't have money, this is my last day of being able to use this system so please reply via email if you'd like to talk. fur replied which rapidly became three for a week or so until one of them dated me.

Today, may be our twentieth anniversary...  

It's not been an easy ride, I'll be honest, she does not "enable" me like my previous partner did with paperwork and form filling, so I transitioned  for being moderately affluent to totally skint quite quickly which I could not understand, and which has put an enormous strain on the relationship over the last twenty years, but when I got my diagnosis a couple of years back it made things a lot easier for both of us.

Haha I went the same way, and I managed until 41y.o. I say I'm stubborn like a donkey,  My burnout lasted 1 year and 9 months

I found out I'm autistic at 42y.o. 

I'm 43 now and newly born, developing new systems to make it possible to survive, All I build before burnout burned, and some memories too, mostly dictionaries in foreign languages, and it was random deletion, who knows what I lost.

but I heard others saying they had one when they were 30y.o..

Mariusz said:

NAS81486 said:

don't put NT pressure on yourself "to perform."

apply that to everything, so you don't end up burnout by 30y.o.

.....or in my case (because I'm super stubborn, self reliant and thought I was NT) 45 y.o. !

The longer it takes to reach that "Mega / Long-term Burnout" = the hotter you will then burn baby !!

Always be yourself (even if you don't like yourself that much and are not happy.)

Number said:

don't put NT pressure on yourself "to perform."

apply that to everything, so you don't end up burnout by 30y.o.