Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm 19 and have no friends or girlfriend. I always struggled to understand why i didn't really have friends, i never really had when i started middle/secondary school. Everyone just thought i was shy etc. I tried university but it didn't really work out, i got very ill, i struggled to focus on the course (literally yesterday i was diagnosed with adhd), so i quit, and then i found out that people had made up malicous rumours about me and the girls i was with just thought i was funny and never stayed in touch after i left. How do I find friends or a relationship with a girl etc? I've had one girlfriend it was someone i knew from elementary/primary school who we connected with in lockdown but it lasted barely 2 months if that. I've tried apps like tinder and i can never understand if people are joking or not by the stuff they say on there, usually they just want sex and often theyr'e just plain malicous girls. I think I met an autistic person on a forum who i talked to for a while, a girl, but this might sound bad but I feel like i'd deal with dating an autistic person id find that harder than dating a neurotypical? In the case i had when i was talking to this girl she was just very clingy and would like say "i guess you dont like me" if i didn't reply to a text straight away etc. I'm so lonely and its driven me to suicide attempts before. I've been on my own for so long im just "sick of it" - statements like "oh focus on yourself" dont really mean anything ive had plenty of time for that. I don't really have any typical autistic hobbies tbh - I just like going to the gym, driving, and ocassionally writing.
Forget girlfriends, find friends. That way your social life explodes outwards and you’ll meet more people to connect with, maybe someone special.
I think when you own who you are and how you are, and accept it, you will find the right people will come a long when you least expect it or are looking. At 19 you haven’t lived, so no, you haven’t had plenty of time for that. I’m 49 and I’m still learning.
if you use apps, be clear what you want. Start with your bio and in any opening messages.
I always find talking to women easier than men, I don't know why but apparently it is an autistic thing that we find the opposite sex easier to talk to.
I just don't know how to be in the situation where I'm meeting people in the first place.
I'm having autistic coaching and this came up today - I'm basically starting from nothing in terms of social connections.
It's crazy. You could put a gun to my head and I wouldn't blink, put me in a room with some strangers and expect me to talk and it would be my worst nightmare.
The thing that makes it worse is the stereotypes. There's this assumption that autistic people like things like games and other stuff, that's just not me. I'm mild. My interests are pretty much the same as for the average straight neurotypical male of my age.
The only time I've been confident - was brieflyt at uni and was drinking a bit and all the guys there were always shocked at how confident I appeared with girls. Unfortunately, this led to a lot of malicous speculation about me.
i can only talk to those that do all the work and engage me i guess. everyone else im silent to... i guess im only good at responding, and get lucky if their topic they started is something i can branch off in some way to appear sociable.
one guy at work talks to me so i can respond and it makes me appear sociable i guess.... but the others i dont talk as they dont talk to me for me to work off any response. the guy that talks to me said that the others asked him if i ever talk to anyone or say anything lol all the other workers must think im a mute. one came up to me one time and said "hello guy that never says hi to anyone, miserable ***" loli guess i just cant talk aside from in responses. if i had to talk i wouldnt know what to say, nothing would come to my mind. what would there be to talk about? ... if someone talked to me and got responses i could usually find perhaps something related to the thing i responded to to then mention. so i guess response and then a slight possibility to branch another reference is all i can do, other than that silence, no reason to speak.
I think you have a lot to learn. And by that, I’m referring to how you think. You really shouldn’t worry about how people perceive you. Just worry about how you see yourself. Other peoples opinions really don’t matter, I was the same for most of my life, and I wish someone had of told me earlier.
I would suggest the app autistic empathy. I keep telling people to use it lol.. You can join groups there, or simply chat with others. Just be mindful that some are there just for friendship, so I would avoid contacting females that are looking for friendship.
Join a local Autism Facebook group. They have meet-ups. There will be people like you there. Regarding socialising, it’s something you can learn. I had CBT for some aspects and it did help a bit. I learnt new techniques. Also, you need to work out what’s comfortable for you. Going out drinking might be a NT thing, but perhaps it’s not for you. Find other ways to socialise where you feel slightly more at ease.
You mentioned ‘mild’. That is a gripe of mine. ASD comes in many levels. Not everyone presents as being autistic. That doesn’t mean their autism is mild, it means they can hide it well and have good self awareness. You wouldn’t be diagnosed if your problems didn’t affect you in some way. Most NTs wouldn’t know I’m autistic. At best they think I’m a bit reserved. They have no idea how much certain things affect me, although I am totally independent and can function in everyday life. But, I guarantee if I was in a room with another autistic person, they would spot it a mile off.