Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm 19 and have no friends or girlfriend. I always struggled to understand why i didn't really have friends, i never really had when i started middle/secondary school. Everyone just thought i was shy etc. I tried university but it didn't really work out, i got very ill, i struggled to focus on the course (literally yesterday i was diagnosed with adhd), so i quit, and then i found out that people had made up malicous rumours about me and the girls i was with just thought i was funny and never stayed in touch after i left. How do I find friends or a relationship with a girl etc? I've had one girlfriend it was someone i knew from elementary/primary school who we connected with in lockdown but it lasted barely 2 months if that. I've tried apps like tinder and i can never understand if people are joking or not by the stuff they say on there, usually they just want sex and often theyr'e just plain malicous girls. I think I met an autistic person on a forum who i talked to for a while, a girl, but this might sound bad but I feel like i'd deal with dating an autistic person id find that harder than dating a neurotypical? In the case i had when i was talking to this girl she was just very clingy and would like say "i guess you dont like me" if i didn't reply to a text straight away etc. I'm so lonely and its driven me to suicide attempts before. I've been on my own for so long im just "sick of it" - statements like "oh focus on yourself" dont really mean anything ive had plenty of time for that. I don't really have any typical autistic hobbies tbh - I just like going to the gym, driving, and ocassionally writing.
Yes, it's frustrating, but it can get better over time. At your age most women, and men for that matter, are really only out for a good time, relationship-wise and sexually. Apparently shy and undemonstrative autistic men are not a great catch, in that scene. But when women reach their mid to late 20s they tend to start looking for long-term relationships and more reliable, less loud, less flashy men become a lot more attractive.
So whaat do I do? Do I just put on an act which I kind have done in the past? Or just wait it out? That's quite some time and I've been feeling this way since the age of 14. I'm going to be 20 in less than a year.
Yes, autistic people do not do non-verbal communication subconsciously, like allistic people do. This is why I learned all I could about body language, gestures and facial expression from books and scientific papers. Once I had an intellectual and conscious grasp of these facets of interaction, I could decode to a more accurate extent what was going on in my relations with women.
The thing I have is with friendships as well...even when I speak clear like say "hello" people seem to ignore me. My autism coach said it might be to do with my body language
I lost my virginity when I was 18. Totally unexpected my first night of university. It was awkward because I was with this girl, nothing had happened at this point but I felt her trying to hold my hand but I ignored it because I didn't want to be seen to "come onto her" if it was unexpected.
Eventually I let her hold my hand and we went back and had sex...really awkward tbh, we were both a bit drunk which is never a good idea, and one night stands have never appealed to me.
Unfortunately after a few more awkward times, she asked me to leave, which shattered my confidence, then when I leave univeristy I find out there is a rumour going round that I actually sexually assaulted this girl. It was horrible to think people could think I would do that. I don't really have a hypothesis as to why that rumour happened, the only thing i can think of is that chinese whispers turned it from something like "bad sex" to assault. Or she's just a liar.
I, eventually, did a lot of research into gestures, body language and facial expression. This gave me an increased ability to detect when women were attracted to me and to be able to signal my interest back. This helped. Even later, I managed to overcome my emotional reservation and fear of rejection, which were in the way of me creating the basis for a long-term romantic relationship. I have, by various people, been likened facially to both Oliver Reed and, later in life, Jack Nicholson, so I'm fairly attractive on the outside, even so I did not lose my virginity until I was 24, and began my first long term relationship at 30.
Sounds exactly like myself as a kid, WOW!, Just wow!
O.K. Know this: For initial dating purposes MOST people put on an act. I have a cartoon somewhere of a pretty woman saying, "now that we have been dating for three months I can begin to show you snippets of the monster I really am". Which is a bit cynical and humorous but there is enough truth there to make it darkly humorous...
Now my approach when I was in your situation was to socialise as widely as possible whilst essentially being as nice a version of myself as possible.
I had loads of near misses in my search for a relationship and I now can see with hindsight how my lack of unspoken communication skills I completely failed to take advantage of sexual opportunities.
In between failed attempts or near misses, I tried to just find ways to enjoy being myself and get along with people better. By creating a wide circle of friends and rotating myself between them (as soon as I felt that either I or they were being anything less than enthusiastic about the friendship) I managed to build up and manage a huge number of "friends" (over 100 real face-time not "Facebook" friends) but it still took me until 21 to lose my virginity, and until 27 to get my first permanent real girlfriend. It was a very trying time for me.
But, because I filled that time with studying how to be nice and understand people, (plus I always had the love of my cat, and that meant I never went back to an empty house, or woke up alone, as well as I had to learn how to look after a "dependent" Yes cat's are the most independent creatures known to man, but they still need feeding, watering, taking to the vet if they are unlucky, and they add a usually small extra burden as far as housework goes if they have a litter..) but f you do it properly they also like a bit of catnip, playing with, love and affection, "quiet time" door opening service (especially if the door has an actual cat flap!). And if you do it real properly, you'll end up knowing by spooky means exactly what they want this time.
But you KNOW you are autistic...
Hopefully that will shorten the curve quite a bit for you compared to what I went through. OTOH whilst I waited for "my turn to come" because I was nice and approachable and often stuck in a girls "friendzone" I got an awful lot of opportunities to learn about other peoples relationships, and instead of concentrating on feeling left out, I just tried to learn how to avoid the more common mistakes (Like infidelity, it's ALWAYS a blunder it seems, even if it leads to a new relationship, you both know first hand that you are a faithless person when things are not going your way... And the guys who try to juggle multiple women simply cannot do anything else, except spent their free time trying to make the lies hold together!)