How to find friends/girlfriend as an autistic male, 19

Actually, this is quite good (but appalingly true!) advice...

Not that I was much good at acing on it.

www.youtube.com/watch

I’m 22 so if you think you’ve waited long just think of me lol. I believe it will happen for you one day when you least expect it!

What dating apps would you recommend then? 

Don't overthink it lol, but dont' think someone's just "nice" by acknowledging your existence. That's common human decency. 

Completely untrue. Not all autistic people find it hard to make conversation and would sit there silent! just as not all NTs know how to be sociable. Everyone is different.

I find I need to make just as much effort with an NT partner, as I would with a ND one. My last long term partner was undiagnosed ASD and he was able to make conversation and suggest things to do and places to go. He was more sociable than me. He got me doing much more than I would normally.

My last date was with an NT man, and I had to instigate all the conversation and plans. He wasn’t  even much of an introvert and I made him awkward because he was attracted to me. He knew I was autistic from the get go, which made me feel much more in control and like myself.

theres this new starter girl at work who got straight to contract due to knowing one of the managers, i suspect she maybe interested in me.... simply because she acknowledges my existance lol she seems quiet with others but wanting to talk to me, so i guess perhaps theres something there. or im imagining it and shes just trying to get to know her new colleagues lol

Yes, autistic people do not do non-verbal communication subconsciously, like allistic people do. This is why I learned all I could about body language, gestures and facial expression from books and scientific papers. Once I had an intellectual and conscious grasp of these facets of interaction, I could decode to a more accurate extent what was going on in my relations with women.

I recommend trying actual dating sites as opposed to dating apps like Tinder.  I tried Bumble and think it should be renamed Bumhole because of the "hook up" style of it.  Folks saying they want a relationship then being inappropriate are rife...... 

Regarding the girl you mention....  It shows more about the type of person she is than anything you are.  How low to post about a "bad" date.  Does she not have feelings for others????

I am female and very sad that you have endured such treatment by women.  They are not deserving of you.  Forget them and don't give up hope of the nice ones who will want you for you and not a meaningless escapade.

Best of luck.

H :-)

The thing I have is with friendships as well...even when I speak clear like say "hello" people seem to ignore me. My autism coach said it might be to do with my body language 

I lost my virginity when I was 18. Totally unexpected my first night of university. It was awkward because I was with this girl, nothing had happened at this point but I felt her trying to hold my hand but I ignored it because I didn't want to be seen to "come onto her" if it was unexpected.

Eventually I let her hold my hand and we went back and had sex...really awkward tbh, we were both a bit drunk which is never a good idea, and one night stands have never appealed to me.

Unfortunately after a few more awkward times, she asked me to leave, which shattered my confidence, then when I leave univeristy I find out there is a rumour going round that I actually sexually assaulted this girl. It was horrible to think people could think I would do that. I don't really have a hypothesis as to why that rumour happened, the only thing i can think of is that chinese whispers turned it from something like "bad sex" to assault. Or she's just a liar. 

She lied about that! I never said I drove a BMW XD

Hi, I'm glad you posted - reading your post was like a flashback to my own past, I'm 50 now. I certainly found school difficult and university hardest of all, socially. I was also very lonely at your age, and struggled to make friends / girlfriends.

My advice would be just to do things that make you well (like going to the gym which is great) and go to places where you may make friends, without feeling under pressure to do so. For me, that was volunteering with a charity that I cared about, but it could be joining any kind of group / activity. I know that can feel daunting, but if you pick something that you are interested in / care about, that gives you something in common. You will meet people, probably make friends with people, and that dramatically increases the chances of finding someone special (it's where I met my wife). It may well be that for autistic people it is more likely to find partners through making friends first, as it is less scary than blind dates or apps or asking people out who you don't know (I haven't had a huge amount of girlfriends but all have been friends before they were).

It gets better, I promise. 

I, eventually, did a lot of research into gestures, body language and facial expression. This gave me an increased ability to detect when women were attracted to me and to be able to signal my interest back. This helped. Even later, I managed to overcome my emotional reservation and fear of rejection, which were in the way of me creating the basis for a long-term romantic relationship. I have, by various people, been likened facially to both Oliver Reed and, later in life, Jack Nicholson, so I'm fairly attractive on the outside, even so I did not lose my virginity until I was 24, and began my first long term relationship at 30. 

Neither do I! 

BUT, if it helps. I wore tidy clothes that didn't really make any "statement" about myself, looked clean and presentable and at ease. I told the truth as far as I knew it. (I Didn't know I was autistic) and as is absolutely neccessary with women focussed on their needs. (that's where living with a cat is superb training!)

Cat's being unapologetic and not making any effort to hide their "self before others mentality" make it easy to learn the neccesary give and take required to make a relationship work with another independent mind. (Although women are of course somewhat "next level" I found the training my first cat gave me really helped) And although I got my cat for company and because I'd discovered I liked the little beasts in my early twenties, it does not hurt for a woman to see that you can sucessfully care for a small creature. OF course on a bad day then "you care about that cat more than me!" can be heard, but that's women for you...

I probably broke some law or convention there, but in the real world, those are my findings...

i dont know how either you 2 could even have any response on dating sites either...

i tried all the online dating sites, and id never get any views likes or messages and no responses to my messages lol its pointless.

i can only talk to those that do all the work and engage me i guess. everyone else im silent to... i guess im only good at responding, and get lucky if their topic they started is something i can branch off in some way to appear sociable. 

one guy at work talks to me so i can respond and it makes me appear sociable i guess.... but the others i dont talk as they dont talk to me for me to work off any response. the guy that talks to me said that the others asked him if i ever talk to anyone or say anything lol all the other workers must think im a mute. one came up to me one time and said "hello guy that never says hi to anyone, miserable ***" lol

i guess i just cant talk aside from in responses. if i had to talk i wouldnt know what to say, nothing would come to my mind. what would there be to talk about? ... if someone talked to me and got responses i could usually find perhaps something related to the thing i responded to to then mention. so i guess response and then a slight possibility to branch another reference is all i can do, other than that silence, no reason to speak.

I think you have a lot to learn. And by that, I’m referring to how you think. You really shouldn’t worry about how people perceive you. Just worry about how you see yourself. Other peoples opinions really don’t matter, I was the same for most of my life, and I wish someone had of told me earlier.

I would suggest the app autistic empathy. I keep telling people to use it lol.. You can join groups there, or simply chat with others. Just be mindful that some are there just for friendship, so I would avoid contacting females that are looking for friendship.

Join a local Autism Facebook group. They have meet-ups. There will be people like you there. 
Regarding socialising, it’s something you can learn. I had CBT for some aspects and it did help a bit. I learnt new techniques. Also, you need to work out what’s comfortable for you. Going out drinking might be a NT thing, but perhaps it’s not for you. Find other ways to socialise where you feel slightly more at ease.

You mentioned ‘mild’. That is a gripe of mine. ASD comes in many levels. Not everyone presents as being autistic. That doesn’t mean their autism is mild, it means they can hide it well and have good self awareness. You wouldn’t be diagnosed if your problems didn’t affect you in some way. Most NTs wouldn’t know I’m autistic. At best they think I’m a bit reserved. They have no idea how much certain things affect me, although I am totally independent and can function in everyday life. But, I guarantee if I was in a room with another autistic person, they would spot it a mile off.

F&&kin' hell mate, nightmare!! Never mention the nice car upfront, unless she asks what you drive...

Look, dating to get laid, is WAY different to dating to meet someone nice, and dating sites pre-filter a lot of that awkwardness out of things usually. Most young people want sex anyway, it's a given, even the "nice" girls, but the worthwhile ones will want to be choosy about it, so if I were you, I'd tick the looking for a long term relationship box rather than the looking for mindless fun box. And if you are as cold and methodical as I can be, you can use a daring site to (having set up your preferences, & profile) sort though an enormous amount of potential partners, which would take you years in real life (as I mentioned earlier) and just pick a few that you think you could possibly have a good time with even if there was no sex on the table. Let her suggest the place and if it's out of your price range or in any other way really "unsuitable" for you be up front about it. She'll either leave because you aren't what she wanted or respect you for being able to express what YOU want and adjust her expectations accordingly..

 And THIS, my young friend is the upside of getting old, you can clue up the young people as to what you've learned by experience and if they listen and you turn out not to be an idiot, and your advice, knowledge works for them, it's a better rush than cocaine. (In my opinion, because you don't just feel awesome like cocaine makes you think you are, you actually were for a brief moment, awesome in a way that matters) 

I hope you've got something out of my posts, and it "works for you" I haven't felt "awesome" in quite a while now...

aha i never had a date before myself. that woman looks like she has mcdonalds every day anyway so she probably just thought of it as a normal every day meal. you shouldnt attract those type of women that only want to be given free stuff and paid for all the time. its 2022 and women should stand on their own feet for once instead of being reliant on free stuff from men lol she should get a job if she wants to eat at the shard.

that's right

Caelus said:

a very sociable neurotypical.

even if I wasn't autistic it would be recommended for me according to Myers-Briggs

I'm INTJ (and many autistic falls into that cathegory) and best matches for me are ENTP or ENFP. I don't think I've ever talked to one of those, they're rare bords

ENFP is described as 'chaperone'