Published on 12, July, 2020
I've realised that people prefer it if I start with pleasantries, not just going straight to the point of what I want to say.
e.g. just now I went to get my recycling bin after it had been emptied. At least I thought it was my bin. I saw my neighbour getting into his car so I called 'is this my bin?' He looked blankly at me and said, 'hello, how are you? Haven't seen you for a while.' I was confused, I needed to know if that bin was mine or his. He was confused because he hadn't seen me for a while and wanted to say hello, not talk about bins.
Then it dawned on me, ta dahhhhhhhhhh! I should have said 'hello how are you?' Before launching into the questions about the bin.
I like to get straight to the point, never mind chit chat. Most humans prefer the chit chat first.
I hope this has been helpful
haha, bla bla bla ...... 5min later uff we can get to the point at last
if it is possible to spent that much time, otherwise I just skip bla bla bla
What happens if they tell you about the things they've done recently and you don't find them remotely interesting?
Ah, well, that makes sense.
I don't mind general courtesies, as long as they don't transform into small talk
I just say 'how are you?' 'things okay with you?' or something. I don't go into lots of detail. Or say 'done anything interesting lately?'
This is amazing. I have a feeling it's terribly difficult for me to recall what I don't like on the spot. Like going into a library I've never been in and hunting for an author...
NT communication 101! Think of 3 things you couldn’t careless about, and say that before asking the real question.
”hi, how are you? how are the kids getting on at school? weather has been terrible hasn’t it? By the way….?
I find I can ask the questions, but I struggle to make my tone of voice or facial expressions sound and look actually interested.
Well I think I've done well to realise this. I'm not going to put myself down just because you don't see it as a big achievement for my brain.
Same here! A lot of editing goes into my emails and texts and even the posts on NAS site! I have to remember to thank people for their advice!
Ha ha yes! I am ALWAYS going back over texts and emails adding the beginning!! So true. And when people meet me in real life after texting/emailing they are always disappointed because I'm so blunt and tactless.
These bl00dy online conversation experts though! They tell us that people prefer honesty, and prefer people who don't put on a front. People don't! They don't like honest people, they prefer people who put on a nicey nicey, smarmy front! *rolls eyes*
It is on there but he was standing in the way getting into his car, so I couldn't really push past him to look at the other side. I had to actually talk. Anyway, he's nice, he helped me when someone crashed their car into my fence.
Yes, me too but it's just the way things are. Most people prefer small talk so if I remember to do that first, THEN I can get to the actual business talk.
It's just part of conversation, I've decided. If I want to get on with people, I have to put up with it.
yes, it's hard but I've decided to start with pleasantries rather than straight to the business topic. If I remember that simple rule I might do better.
Yes, it definitely is what most people do, but I hate it hah
I think a lot of the time it's just part of a general greeting. I teach my EFL students "hi how are you? / I'm fine thanks, and you?" . I think this generally what most people do.
I would much prefer to skip small talk all together, however if I make the effort to ask how someone is, it means I genuinely want an answer. I hate it when people just reply with something vague.
If I don't want to know, I wouldn't ask, you know?
I have stickers. My neighbours are great though. They don't demand interaction.
The thing is, all that is happened is you've realised a little more about how neuotypical people interact.
Knowing they want pleasantries doesn't mean we can engage in them in the same way they do.
Try and do it for a while and see what happens. Often when Autistic people try to be more neurotypical it leads to burnout and not being able to do tasks we want to.
Yep! What I don't understand is, I've read several times that people on the spectrum take the "how are you" question literally. However, I answer with a "yeah alright, you?" . I do find, people who I would assume not to be autistic, in fact take it literally and think it's an invitation to go on about themselves.
This is me EVERY email.
I have learned one rule: Never hit send immediately. And without fail, somehow I always forget that important opening like: concern for the others well being.
I did end up on a chat with Apple and spend 45 minutes trying to work out what happened to a programme on my iMac for work when after about an hour I finally recalled it hasn't ever worked on this machine, I have to use my laptop. Total facepalm.