Is this the Asd or just me?

I guess because masking can be seen as adaptive behaviour to help us get through certain situations when we need to do so.

Hang in there and know it's all normal. There's a lot to reflect on and you're going to have so many questions and regrets. Everything you're feeling and thinking is completely normal. Give yourself time. You will get there. X

I would like a life with a lot more balance in it than i have now.  To be able to choose when i want to see people and have people i can rely on.  Total isolation is no fun.  I am lovelorn too and want to meet a partner in the future.

That’s sounds really positive, I wish you luck. May I ask, are you happy to be alone? It’s just that my friends have whittled down to just one, which I think I’m fine with because I do enjoy my own company, but then when I do meet my friend I thoroughly enjoy our time together but I know I will pay for it. By the time she leaves I’m exhausted to the point of needing a nap and just completely overwhelmed.

Welcome to the forum.  Most of us probably get nervous when we post here if that helps you at all??

Masking is so hard.  Because it will always slip and the NT's will notice straight away.  I've ended up reclusive just to get away from the sheer difficulty and sadness of it all. But i'm going to try and change that soon.

In terms of relatable information, remember that autism is a spectrum with many different symptoms. Not everyone has all of them, but that doesn't make you less autistic.

Even unmasking at home is good.

Thank you. Again you’re much better with the words. I struggle to explain myself sometimes plus I’m still a little nervous with being a newbie on here.

I masked a lot for years and although I knew I was different I was desperate not to be. My diagnosis was a turning point. It is a fact, I am different. This led to a lot of soul searching and trying to figure out who I really am because I’ve spent so long being what I thought I had to be. I have no doubt now that some masks will be pretty much a permanent fixture but time will tell I guess. 

It takes time to integrate a diagnosis and understand what masking means to you. If it's built up over all those years it's not going to be reversed over night. Chip away at the things which are more obvious to change first. Accept that sometimes you might need to mask in order to keep living certain aspects of your life the way you did before. (Like for me, working). It takes time and courage to start living your life on your own terms. I think your reaction is common and part of some sort of process. I have somewhat dropped the mask in certain situations and I think no one actually notices any difference. But im much calmer and confident in myself. Fortunately, I've learned as a woman, there are things I can probably get away with a lot more than I've previously realised.

This is so true! I just struggle with the words sometimes. I realise now that some masking IS completely ingrained and probably for good reason. I get easily frustrated and anger too quickly, I hate any kind of confrontation. You’re right too about the safe and calm environment, this is the only time I am the most true form of myself, when it’s just me, the bf and my little menagerie. During the day when I have to actually ‘adult’ and  function, different story. 

Thanks Bex. I think I’m still in a bit of a whirlwind of confusion about the whole situation. My diagnosis made sense and wasn’t a surprise but now I know, I’ve just sat back and questioned my whole life. It’s been an emotional rollercoaster and still is to be honest 

Ahhhh, now something in my mind is clicking. I’m just thinking that all my ‘masks’ are me just being untrue to myself, they are not. Some really are coping strategies and you’re right, removing them would be difficult but also cause me unnecessary stress.

Eye opener! Thank you, I really do have much to learn

Hi again. I totally relate to what you're saying. I have gradually and somewhat subconsciously started unmasking at home with my boyfriend. However, outside with people, I still mask (subconsciously, most likely, after decades of social masking).

However, if I have to make a complaint to a company on the phone at home and they are giving me a hard time, I unmask - probably out of frustration and anger. I become "rude" to them and I constantly interrupt them. So maybe my emotions are linked with masking or unmasking?? When I'm calm at home I can unmask in a safe environment, but I doubt I can unmask in public, it's too ingrained in me as others have commented. Perhaps unless someone upsets me?!

Yes of course! You’ve spent your whole life being someone, and know you don’t know who that is. 

i often think the reason i struggle to find kinship (even with other Autistics) is because i've just been the real me for longer. As i was diagnosed a long time ago.  I don't go out and have to mask everyday. And the idea of masking for years... i would imagine that it eventually stops being a mask and becomes a more socialized version of your own self.

I'd say you're doing a good job at recognising yourself in different ways and how you're affected this early on. I was diagnosed when I was 11, I'm 25 now and I've no idea about anything. Just feel the effects of everything but struggle to accept and cope. Pleased for you, good job!

I think it is normal to be confused. I think that it derives from a perceived pressure to 'unmask'. With the expectation that 'unmasking' will make us happy. This then poses a dilemma, how do we change our 'masks' that are innate? They have become part of who we are. Is dropping them useful or even possible? Then there are 'masks' which are socially useful, do we abandon them and suffer social rejections? Can we differentiate between the 'masking' which causes us great exhaustion and discomfort from the 'masking' that does not?

For me, I take the pressure off, I ignore the concept of 'unmasking', it does not help me. What I do is just try to take things as they are and, if I feel anxious, try to minimise it, look for alternatives, try to be easy on myself. I'm an empiricist, I try to find what works and not worry about concepts if they do not help.

I understand that, but is it normal to be so confused? I feel like I’ve literally been living my life as someone else

I agree that no one is ever fully themselves around others but to not be your true self at home or at all has got to be detrimental to ones mental health. I definitely don’t think unmasking is miraculous but not working so hard all of the time to be someone I am not for the benefit of others has been quite a relief. It’s only the beginning of my Asd journey so lots to learn and work out. It’s just quite a confusing time and was wondering if it was normal to be so confused?