Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi
I’m a recently diagnosed 38 year old female and have been feeling pretty confused since my diagnosis. I’ve always known I was different, so my results were not exactly a surprise but it did make me realise how ignorant I had been about understanding Autism. So, as I’m sure the majority of you also did, I threw myself into intense research and a lot of my life suddenly made sense. But atm I feel like 2 people in 1. There is Asd me who embraces all my traits and then “normal” me who still tries to do “normal “ For example, I will still force on clothes that I hate, because then I’ll fit in or attempt a coversation with a passing dog walker about the weather, which quite frankly does not interest me in the slightest.
Do you know? I just realised whilst typing, I think I’m just struggling to fully unmask.
Did any of you experience this? Is this a normal reaction?
If any form of 'masking' (I have some problems with the concept, or rather that 'unmasking is miraculous) is not causing you any distress and is helping you socially, the utility of stopping is debatable. Is anyone fully themselves when in the company of others? I do small talk, I'm reasonably adept at it. Would I do it if it wasn't a social imperative? Probably not. Do I find it particularly uncomfortable? No, not really; I would find the awkward silence more uncomfortable.
I agree that no one is ever fully themselves around others but to not be your true self at home or at all has got to be detrimental to ones mental health. I definitely don’t think unmasking is miraculous but not working so hard all of the time to be someone I am not for the benefit of others has been quite a relief. It’s only the beginning of my Asd journey so lots to learn and work out. It’s just quite a confusing time and was wondering if it was normal to be so confused?