Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi
I’m a recently diagnosed 38 year old female and have been feeling pretty confused since my diagnosis. I’ve always known I was different, so my results were not exactly a surprise but it did make me realise how ignorant I had been about understanding Autism. So, as I’m sure the majority of you also did, I threw myself into intense research and a lot of my life suddenly made sense. But atm I feel like 2 people in 1. There is Asd me who embraces all my traits and then “normal” me who still tries to do “normal “ For example, I will still force on clothes that I hate, because then I’ll fit in or attempt a coversation with a passing dog walker about the weather, which quite frankly does not interest me in the slightest.
Do you know? I just realised whilst typing, I think I’m just struggling to fully unmask.
Did any of you experience this? Is this a normal reaction?
i often think the reason i struggle to find kinship (even with other Autistics) is because i've just been the real me for longer. As i was diagnosed a long time ago. I don't go out and have to mask everyday. And the idea of masking for years... i would imagine that it eventually stops being a mask and becomes a more socialized version of your own self.
I masked a lot for years and although I knew I was different I was desperate not to be. My diagnosis was a turning point. It is a fact, I am different. This led to a lot of soul searching and trying to figure out who I really am because I’ve spent so long being what I thought I had to be. I have no doubt now that some masks will be pretty much a permanent fixture but time will tell I guess.
I would like a life with a lot more balance in it than i have now. To be able to choose when i want to see people and have people i can rely on. Total isolation is no fun. I am lovelorn too and want to meet a partner in the future.
That’s sounds really positive, I wish you luck. May I ask, are you happy to be alone? It’s just that my friends have whittled down to just one, which I think I’m fine with because I do enjoy my own company, but then when I do meet my friend I thoroughly enjoy our time together but I know I will pay for it. By the time she leaves I’m exhausted to the point of needing a nap and just completely overwhelmed.
Masking is so hard. Because it will always slip and the NT's will notice straight away. I've ended up reclusive just to get away from the sheer difficulty and sadness of it all. But i'm going to try and change that soon.