Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi
I’m a recently diagnosed 38 year old female and have been feeling pretty confused since my diagnosis. I’ve always known I was different, so my results were not exactly a surprise but it did make me realise how ignorant I had been about understanding Autism. So, as I’m sure the majority of you also did, I threw myself into intense research and a lot of my life suddenly made sense. But atm I feel like 2 people in 1. There is Asd me who embraces all my traits and then “normal” me who still tries to do “normal “ For example, I will still force on clothes that I hate, because then I’ll fit in or attempt a coversation with a passing dog walker about the weather, which quite frankly does not interest me in the slightest.
Do you know? I just realised whilst typing, I think I’m just struggling to fully unmask.
Did any of you experience this? Is this a normal reaction?
Masking is conscious and subconscious. It’s hard to just ‘stop’, and we can only attempt to curb those urges that we know we do, and do not want to do, or those that deplete us of energy.
I understand that, but is it normal to be so confused? I feel like I’ve literally been living my life as someone else
Ahhhh, now something in my mind is clicking. I’m just thinking that all my ‘masks’ are me just being untrue to myself, they are not. Some really are coping strategies and you’re right, removing them would be difficult but also cause me unnecessary stress.
Eye opener! Thank you, I really do have much to learn
Yes of course! You’ve spent your whole life being someone, and know you don’t know who that is.
I think it is normal to be confused. I think that it derives from a perceived pressure to 'unmask'. With the expectation that 'unmasking' will make us happy. This then poses a dilemma, how do we change our 'masks' that are innate? They have become part of who we are. Is dropping them useful or even possible? Then there are 'masks' which are socially useful, do we abandon them and suffer social rejections? Can we differentiate between the 'masking' which causes us great exhaustion and discomfort from the 'masking' that does not?
For me, I take the pressure off, I ignore the concept of 'unmasking', it does not help me. What I do is just try to take things as they are and, if I feel anxious, try to minimise it, look for alternatives, try to be easy on myself. I'm an empiricist, I try to find what works and not worry about concepts if they do not help.