Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi
I’m a recently diagnosed 38 year old female and have been feeling pretty confused since my diagnosis. I’ve always known I was different, so my results were not exactly a surprise but it did make me realise how ignorant I had been about understanding Autism. So, as I’m sure the majority of you also did, I threw myself into intense research and a lot of my life suddenly made sense. But atm I feel like 2 people in 1. There is Asd me who embraces all my traits and then “normal” me who still tries to do “normal “ For example, I will still force on clothes that I hate, because then I’ll fit in or attempt a coversation with a passing dog walker about the weather, which quite frankly does not interest me in the slightest.
Do you know? I just realised whilst typing, I think I’m just struggling to fully unmask.
Did any of you experience this? Is this a normal reaction?
Masking is conscious and subconscious. It’s hard to just ‘stop’, and we can only attempt to curb those urges that we know we do, and do not want to do, or those that deplete us of energy.
I’ve still a lot of things to work out. There’s so much info out there and not all is relatable or reliable. I should clarify that the unmasking is an at home situation. I still struggle out of my safe place. Also, I don’t think I masked particularly well as my family haven’t seen much of a change but I certainly feel it.
If any form of 'masking' (I have some problems with the concept, or rather that 'unmasking is miraculous) is not causing you any distress and is helping you socially, the utility of stopping is debatable. Is anyone fully themselves when in the company of others? I do small talk, I'm reasonably adept at it. Would I do it if it wasn't a social imperative? Probably not. Do I find it particularly uncomfortable? No, not really; I would find the awkward silence more uncomfortable.
It's two years after my diagnosis and I feel like I'm only beginning to see how I mask let alone work out how to change it, so it looks like you're doing really well!