Support thread for those of us with partners/spouses with ASC-all welcome

Hello

Sometimes I don't know if it's the right thing to stay in the relationship with my partner. I'm 40 and a lot of my friends are so pleased that I've finally found a relationship that they keep telling me to steam ahead and try to have children ASAP (if my eggs will provide!).

But I'm not even sure that J and I should move in together, as often I feel more like a carer than a partner. I can only see the difficulties getting worse if there is also a child to look after, as J can't stay organised and calm enough to stay in employment.

J is very loving, and now he has a diagnosis maybe there will be improvements as he reaches out for help with work, etc. But I do not want to ignore my intuitions about the problems, as in the past that has landed me in very unhealthy situations.

I am an empathic person, but in my experience that can lead to being used. I'm not sure I want to get involved in a scenario where pity is the main emotion I have towards my partner.

Anyone here know what I mean?

Thanks very much!

You can see the guidance here: https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/implementing-fulfilling-and-rewarding-lives

I must say that it's a relief to find the forums here, as the isolation of being worried about him for months has taken its toll.

Thanks all.

Thanks IntenseWorld I will pass that on to him too. I think he has feelings of shame about being part of the benefits system etc., so I don't know if he'll follow it up, but it's worth a try!

Thanks again!

@ Playsquoynt he is entitled to help with housing according to statutory guidance known as Leading Fulfilling and Rewarding Lives which is the Autism Strategy and is legally binding on local authorities.  As Hope has suggested, he needs to get an assessment of need from adult services.

Thanks, Hope!

I'll let him know about the community care assessment. He's quite high-functioning in some ways but has problems with budgeting and timekeeping. So I don't know how they'd rate his needs; and I don't quite know how low his savings have got, which might also affect his eligibility.

But if I pass him any information he can use like this, then it's very good.

Has he considered social housing? He would need a community care assessment to determine eligibility, but if eligible, he could be placed at the higher band A or B category, and this can ensure that should suitable housing come up, he would be first served. Otherwise it can it be a very long wait if placed in band C or below.

To get a community care assessment, he can  contact the Council himself or get someone else to refer him.

Hello all

I've been with my boyfriend 18 months. He received a formal diagnosis from a psychologist yesterday. He is very articulate and intelligent but finds everyday life tasks difficult.

His main problem is employment, and now housing. He has a very patchy work history, with some 'high-achieving' jobs interspersed with long periods of unemployment. He's in his late 30s.

Because of employment problems, he hasn't worked for around 18 months. During that time he has been living off an inheritance from his dad's death. But that money is fast running out. He has avoided looking at the work situation for some time since it makes him so anxious.

Meanwhile he's been living with a friend of his as a lodger. But this friend now wants him out by the end of January (wants to move his girlfriend in). My boyfriend now needs to find housing. But he has no job and none of the usual paperwork that landlords want. He fears being a lodger again in an informal way since that gives you so few rights and so little control in his experience. He wants somewhere stable and secure where he doesn't have to share with anyone.

I don't know where he is going to live. I am renting a small bedsit, and he says he doesn't want to stay with me as the bed is not long enough for him and he can't sleep. I'm not in a position to rent anywhere else as I'm on a low income (finishing a PhD). I suffer from anxiety myself, and he and I both agree that living together suddenly would put incredible pressure on the relationship as the place is too small and we are under a lot of strain.

Do you happen to know if ASD people can get any help with housing, even if they are high-functioning? He does have the cash to pay a (low) rent, but he's been out of the system for so long, and now there is the cruelty of the London rental market to contend with.

Thanks

Hi all,

Please do remember to keep conversations civil. It's really easy to misunderstand tone and intent online. Given how emotive these topics are, it's unlikely agreement will happen. If you're having a difficult interaction it's best just to step away. 

I don't find this forum soul-destroying, I find the constant attacking attitude against Asperger's in particular posts soul-destroying.  All you are looking for is others to be in such a blaming and negative attitude as yourself because of your own life choices.  I don't need to talk to you any more, this isn't your thread and I was not posting directly to you.   I tried to help you on your own thread and you threw it back in my face in a nasty way.  Don't reply to my posts again.

In answer to the question  "Would anyone say to someone who was blind or deaf or with any other disability that they had ruined the marriage because of their disability?"  I would say ABSOLUTELY!   And I'm in a position to know this because of  my disabilitey, because of knowing other people who are disabled and because my sister is deaf.   Illness and disability can put an awful strain on any relationship.  People split up for many reasons but sometimes the last straw can be either a physical or mental condition which the able bodied partner cannot cope with.  If anyone has the idea that you always get sympathy when you are disabled, ill, deaf etc. then that's living in cloud cuckoo land.   One of my sister's stories is about being in a supermarket and being rammed by a hearing woman with her trolley.  She had obviously been trying to get my sister's attention without success.  That's only one of many stories she could tell you about the way she has been treated.  As she oftens says, blindness gets more sympathy than deafness as people quite often think it's o.k. to say "What's the matter with you?  You deaf or something?" in a very aggressive way.

And by the way I have NEVER told  my husband that he has 'ruined' our marriage.  

If you find it so soul destroying to be on a forum why bother?

Yes Hope, you have enlarged well on my point.  I am a caring person, I fight for my children tooth and nail to get what they need, I defend people that need defending (not only my Aspie compatriots), I am way more considerate than the average NT out there selfishly shoving their way through society, I am always worried about being a problem to others and I am scrupulously honest.  Yet I have Asperger's.  I am fed-up with Aspie bashing, because this is what it amounts to.

Men as a "species" are often said to have deficits in communication and supportiveness, being better at breadwinning than being someone to confide problems in (this isn't my generalisation BTW) and yet we have those very traits being knocked as being because of Asperger's.

It's the criticising the condition I take issue with, we blame and second-guess ourselves enough without others doing it too.

I have no problem with people discussing their issues and looking for support and mutual experience to compare notes on, that's what the forum is for (us Aspies do it too), and we all have equal rights, no-one should feel gagged, but there should be more thought given to the causes of particular behaviours instead of defining someone purely because of their condition (diagnosed or possible) and heaping all the blame on that.

I second IntenseWorld on this. It has to be said that, since the husband does not yet have a diagnosis, it is still all speculation. I mean this not in a disrespectful way, but just that there are strongly held suspicions that  WinnieMay's husband has Aspergers, as yet not verified. The problem here, though, is that the behaviours WinnieMay describes could be explained by an Asperger's diagnosis (which I believe she is trying to attain), or they could be unique to her husband. If they are down to the former, to an extent he cannot help the behaviours, although if he loves WinnieMay enough, he would try his hardest to modify them - he would need a lot of help with this. If the behaviours are idiosyncratic to him, with or without Aspergers as an additional factor, it is a personality issue.

All people with Asperger's are unique, with different personalities, and it can be very difficult to disentangle what is caused by the Asperger's and what is simply unique to the individual. It is hurtful and upsetting for people with Asperger's when apparently selfish behaviour coming from one individual is blamed on the condition, because it implies that, by implication, all people with Aspergers must be selfish and lacking in empathy - this is not true!

we r the auties said:

Hello. I've been chatting to some ladies on here who are struggling in their relationships with partners who have Aspergers or high function Autism and I've noticed there seems to be a need for support. I am in the same situation and my partner and I have a little boy aged 5, who is also on the spectrum. Life has been very tough for a few years, but my partner and I have just started counselling.

I am hoping some others will hop on board so we can all share info and experience and support each other.

I haven't intended it to be exclusively for ladies by the way.

Love Rosemary xx

You may find this Q&A useful: http://www.autism.org.uk/living-with-autism/parents-relatives-and-carers/partners/partners-some-frequently-asked-questions.aspx.  Many marriages are difficult for many reasons.  I think what people on the spectrum find unpleasant to hear, is the condition being entirely blamed for their personality and behaviours.  That is almost like a disability hate crime to us.  Yes we have an ASC, but that isn't the whole of us, and labelling people on the spectrum with a host of negative labels and attributing it to their autism is disrespectful at the least.  Would anyone say to someone who was blind or deaf or with any other disability that they had ruined the marriage because of their disability?  To come on a forum and hear ourselves slated so badly when we already are full of anxiety about our own shortcomings is soul-destroying.

Hello Rosemary,

I've just discovered your thread.  It was just what I was looking for but didn't see it last week when I started a thread about being a disabled NT and married to an Aspie.  You are quite right.  There is a need for support.

Hi artsy,

I've just been reading comments on this subject as I'd posted a topic last week about being an NT disabled person with an Aspie husband.  I could relate to everything you have said.  You don't like to think that the person you love can be unkind to you when you are ill.  Knowing about the Aspergers rather late in life has helped a great deal.  If you feel that reading my 'stories' on the other thread would help then please do.

I also know that it seems quite common for AS people to be very defensive and it is understanding that they would be but I feel that you wanted to hear from people who are in the same position as you because sometimes when you live with an Aspie you feel that you want to scream "This is not about YOU!"  But of course it would do no good because they can't help it any more than we can help being ill.

A therapist once said that my husband was the most defensive person she had ever met and she wondered if he had been terribly hurt when he was young.  He says he doesn't think so and can't remember but since the Aspergers thing popped up we have read a lot of books and he can explain to me how things feel and why he is so defensive.  It's as if someone has unscrambled a code for us - as I say rather late in life as we've been married 45 years but better late than never.

I've been ill for 34 years and 'asking for my needs' was the hardest part but, of course, it is true that a lot of NT men can't cope with illness.  As I said on my other thread, I had an exceptional father and brother so I thought that selfish men were in the minority as they were so warm and caring.  If your knowledge of men stems from that base then that's what creates your expectations.  I wasn't ill when I got married and was always very fit so once I was ill it was a huge disappointment to find myself with someone who seemed not to care.  I'd had a taste of it when I had my children (also on the other thread) but I still wished it could be different.  He shows his caring in other ways.

Hi Viking Wife,

Welcome to the forum.

I'm sorry, I do not know of any sites to help autistic parents.  My children and my husband's were grown when we met and married for the second time.

Hopefully, other folks will help and have input.

Best Wishes,

Artsy

Hi everyone,

I'm new here. I've joined the forum because my partner is autistic. We don't have any trouble in our relationship, but he seems to be finding it increasingly hard to deal with our children. He's lovely with babies and toddlers but as they're hitting the 'tweens', I think he's finding it hard to deal with how complex they get. He can really lose his temper, which isn't fair on them a lot of the time. Does anyone know if there are any parenting courses aimed specifically at parents who have autism? It would be so helpful if he had practice scenarios and 'scripts' for how to deal with kids who are growing up.

I've tried googling and looking through this website, but everything seems aimed at NT parents with autistic children!

Thanks for any help or ideas :)

to female with Asperger's and NT husband, and Rosemary,

We were able to revisit pervious topics and do active listening, again. It worked better this time.  I was able to express a lot of frustration and he also.  I think I was in a better palce to receive because I had more rest and did cry today which is an outlet.

He explained that it is hard to be nice when I'm tired and ill when he is already annoyed with me (prior to.)  I get that.  He explained how complicated some of my requests are and there is nothing he can do about it.  It just is.  I get that, too.

I appreciate your shares.  I try to keep in mind how the whole of society is a struggle for an Aspie and at the same time get some of my needs met in the process. 

I read an article on retraining the brain.  It read that thoughts are just thoughts, and they pass.  Also, some of our thought patterns repeat in a cyclical manner.  However, we can change them if we try.  I've been trying to recognize repetitive thought patterns that keep me down and unhappy, and then tell myself not to listen.   Then, try to replace those thoughts with more positive ones, ones that nudge me  where I want to go.

I find diverting my thoughts to topics of interest and needs such as exercise, nutrition, writing, creative changes in our home etc. does me a world of good.  My husband knows what he likes to do and has no trouble doing it.

My daughter has emotional problems and is quite successful in her endeavors except her personal life.  I make sure to spend time with her and my grandkids, and then have been able to let go.  She is in therapy.  I do tell her things I need to say and provide information she needs to know.  Then, I let go.  It is up to her and her therapist to facilitate growth.  I can not control her or her life.  To me, that is what life is: taking hold, doing what one can, and then let go and try to enjoy.

I'm not interested in prolonged drama.  I'm not interested in being a task master.  I want to try things in life, with my husband sometimes and alone.  It's my life and I want to feel I'm living it as fully as possible.  Only I can make that happen.

Thank you for reading, and your response.  Life is better.

Artsy