Support thread for those of us with partners/spouses with ASC-all welcome

Puffin - Holy smoke!! Your husband kicked you????!!! Am now quite shocked. Does it happen often? Was it designed to hurt, or a sort of 'pretend-to-kick-you' passive aggression sort of a kick? Either way not nice and totally out of order.

Hope you don't mind me saying this but I don't think you should ignore it. If he is an aspie then he probably won't wonder why you are quiet with him as I am led to believe that AS don't think in this way. I [am a novice] but think they need things spelling out and sometimes in pictures!! Not joking - many AS people are very visual and words don't do it for them. For example, my partner prefers maps for directions, whereas I much prefer a list of instructions to follow.

Oh and another thing - my other half also has a defective memory! Its all very weird but I think it is because he processes language differently. So he remembers it as different to how a NT person would. Its horribly confusing and when you put AS glasses on to look at it, you end up scratching your head!

Domestic violence is never ever acceptable though. Please don't accept it.

Always here for you, love Rosemary xx  

Hi there,

My little boy is much better now thank you Rosemary. 

Unfortunatly not a mistype, not a kiss !  Hope you do not think i am a fool for putting up with that.  sooooo difficult for so many reasons. Hubby never apologized after all he was not in the wrong.  He is acting like all normal now and for the sake of my little boy i am going along with it, but my elephant like memory unfortunatly does not forget these things.  He seems to have a different recolection of these events and i am usually made out to be the over dramatising one!  probably should not have mentioned it at all.

 Yes, that is the test.  I got something like a twelve, hubby and son just over the thirty two!

Take care,

Puffin x

Puffin - good to hear from you. Hope your little boy is better now.

"To which he told me to ***k ends in off gave me a quick kick and dissapeared back to bed!! Lovely!!" Hey, I hope that you meant kiss and not kick. I'm not sure whether to giggle or not. Its funny if its a mistype, not funny if its not.

I'll fill you in on what happened sometime this w'end. Away for the day tomorrow.

You know that online test you mention - is it perchance the Wired one where there is a link from this website? We have done it too. My partner got a high score. I got a low one.

Spk soon, love Rosemary xx

Hi there,

sorry i have not been in touch my son went down with flu so have been really busy with my nurses hat on!

Sorry your 3rd session was a demorilising one Rosemary, are you ready to talk about it or is it too painful?  There are bound to be good and bad sessions.  Possibly you left on such a high after the last one and all has been so good the past week, this in comparison seems worse than it is?

I was really fed up Tuesday night, my son had a seriously high temp with the flu so i brought him into my bed, Dad was ok with that he went to my sons room.  My son then had a "night terror", scary things like nightmares but he does not kniow i am there and just screams (horrible), anyway my husband came in talking loadly which makes it worse.  i told my hubby what was going on to which he replies " he looks ok he knows what is going on" , like my husband knows, he has never witnessed one of my sons night terrors.  i told my husband to just watch and be quiet as our son was having a terror.  To which he told me to ***k ends in off gave me a quick kick and dissapeared back to bed!!  Lovely!!

I could have hit him, but i had to let all pass as you can imagine i was busy looking after my son.  The next day he wondered why i was quiet with him?!  "fair weather friends" is right Rosemary.  When things are tough my husband is hopeless!  When we finally spoke about it he said i was being patronising.  I really was not, my husband never plays a part when my son is ill and it does worry me sometimes what if i was not around would my husband know how to help our son during these terrors , i really wanted him to observe, but no i was patronising. I was dealing with a screaminmg child i do not know what he expected.  Don,t really want this site to be a complete moan about our other halfs, but only have you to moan to.

By the way my son has not been officially diagnosed, although school and speech therapist are sure (so am i ) after reading all the books in library, my husband also has not been assessed but after reading up for my son we all realised where it comes from.  my husband did do the online Aspergers test (look it up) and did score 32 i think it was just on the line for Aspergers.  Both my husband and son hate load noises (won,t visit cinema without earplugs) and are very sensitive to pain and illness.  Hate busy places, but yes everyone at my husbands work think he is great, always too busy to go to the pub or other work commitements?!  But a really nice guy, bit quiet.

Ho Hum!

Take care, 

Puffin x 

 I don't want to live in Aspergers world any more. Its not nice for a NT person

Today's session has demoralised me - either my partner has much worse language and communication difficulties that I thought, or he's a skunk!

Really fed up. All I ever did was fall in love with him and try to have a 'normal' relationship and life. I don't want all this cr@p any more. Life is too short. There's only 2 of us 4 siblings in our family left so looks like we are not long livers.

Love Rosemary xx

PS. One ironic and interesting thing I forgot to say is that my little boy is really noisy, loud, hyperactive and quite outgoing. So in many ways, the opposite end of the spectrum to his Dad.

His Dad is also verging on food aversion [don't get me started on that one  its very aggravating at times even though I know he cannot help it]. But our little boy is at the opposite end and would eat until he was sick if I let him. I will probably have to watch his calorie intake at some stage.

XX

Optomistic - You've described my partner to a tee, esp the " Everyone who knows him says he is a lovely person, but they all say how quiet he is... " If I have had that said to me once, I've had it said a 100 times honestly.

I'm going to have to have a good read of your initial post on the original thread, as things you described rung loud clanging bells and I hadn't even thought about them being part and parcel of ASC.

I'm sure both your's and mine are on the spectrum. We could be married to the same bloke!

More later. I'll let you know what happens tomorrow. Last week was storming! I was exhausted afterwards.

Love Rosemary xx

Hiya Rosemary. I'm not sure what i've done with the reply to the discussions sorry I hope this is the right one to speak to you on. If not just let me know, i'm not usually this daft (honest)I think i've just got excited with having some like minded people to finally speak to...ha ha

Yes i have wondered why his behaviour can improve when needed to. But i know from experience this can happen but isn't maintained. It's not in a vindictive kind of way but almost like it disappears out of his brain and the things that improved and he promised to work on and does do for a while just seem to go. It sounds like your counselling is going well though, i'm really pleased for you. It certainly sounds like the Aspergers is hereditary, from your hubby to your lovely little boy. My hubby's dad is exactly the same as he is, but much worse. When his parents found out his mum looked into it and couldn't believe that it was his dad. Everything fell into place for her too.

We were pointed to Aspergers being the possible diagnosis by a new friend (whose husband has been diagnosed with it officially). We then went to his GP with details etc of symptoms/behaviours etc and she asked us to leave it will her while she contacted the relevant health professionals (experts) A few weeks later she rang us & told us that although she cannot give the official diagnosis it more than likely is Aspergers. I can't imagine it being anything else. My hubby is a really lovely, kind person. He knows he upsets me & drives me crazy at times and although he doesn't get emotionally upset by this he acknowledges why i am upset. So i really can't imagine it is deliberate. What do you think?? Everyone who knows him says he is a lovely person, but they all say how quiet he is... How is your hubby with friends/family/work xx

Optomistic - oh no! you've replied on my defunct and accidental replica post! Ha ha ha. That will confuse everyone. I've asked the moderator to remove it.

D'you think we could let the other one drop down the page and disappear? Otherwise its going to be mighty confudlicating?!!

Rosemary xx

Optomistic - I get what you are saying - its something I muse on every single day.

"What behaviour is down to the Aspergers and what is down to personality???" Its an unfathomable question I think, because the 2 are inextricably linked. And of course, you can also chuck into the mix the experiences of upbringing and childhood - the nature/nurture debate. In my partner's case, I suspect these are quite important in making him the man he is.

My partner has not got a diagnosis. What did you have to do to get yours? Our little boy has a full statement of SEN and all the professionals involved believe he has high function or aspergers. This was written into his statement reports. We are on the [huge!] waiting list for assessment and I have been advised by our local autism team that he definitely will get a positive diagnosis. I know my little boy has it and I have known for about 2 years now.

Yesterday, I received a letter with an appointment and it sounds like it is the start of the assessment process AT LAST!

It was only when I started to realise something was amiss and began reading up on ASC that I saw with a jolt of recognition, that my partner had more markers than my little boy. We are having couples counselling with a counsellor who has had some training. 3rd session tomorrow.

I could bang on for hours about the whole personality and can they help it or not, thing. Its a very relevant issue for us right now, as my partner has been pretty amazing this week [since session no.2 last week], which makes me think he must be able to control how he behaves. Its all very weird and difficult to understand.

Did you go through the "is it ASC or is he just a swine?" angst??? Because believe me, some of the things that my partner has said and done [and not said and done!] are pretty awful.

Spk soon. Love Rosemary xx

Hi Guys

I just hate thinking back to all those years of upset and anger and frustration when if you just knew so much of that could have been avoided. It is the language and communication problems that i struggle with too Rosemary. I talk a lot when i'm with friends and the girls at work and i think it's because i don't do much at home. I must admit though he is trying to make an effort now. It's still very hard.

Can i ask a question??? Have your other half's had an official diagnosis, as in via qualified people (psychologists) or was it via the G.P? You know the saying "if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck it is a duck" (or something like that) It was by chance that Aspergers was mentioned as a reason for my hubby being as he is. I was at my wits end. When i looked into extensively and he did the tests, visited the G.P etc etc all pointers were towards Aspergers. He even admitted he wasn't doing things on purpose and when i pointed things out he can't explain it. If i didn't point things out he wouldn't have a clue about lots of things and how he is. I just feel that obviously i haven't told you everything about my day to day life but it may appear to some that it is just my hubby's personality rather than Aspergers. Yet he admits he can't help it and seems so disconnected to so much a lot of the time. I actually asked him a while back during one of my going round the bend times and while very upset if he was purposely hurting me and at times driving me insane and he said he wasn't and something in his brain didn't feel right. This was about 5 years ago he said this. Obviously i didn't think about anything then i thought it was just excuses, that he was miserable and lazy and had no interest in me or anything. He even suggested going to the G.P to tell them about his brain feeling differently wired but i didn't take him up on it and of course he didn't bother to do anything about it. The upsets and frustration, usually about the same things has gone on years. Sorry to ramble on. I know what i'm trying to say but it won't come out. Hope you can get what i'm saying xx

Optomistic - great to see you over here and look forward to chatting.

Puffin - It comes across as exquisite selfishness, doesn't it? Which is most unfortunate as it is so destructive to relationships. I understand the scenario completely - I recall being very unwell with a tummy bug on the day my partner should have gone to a 50th birthday party of one of his uni friends. This meant that we could not go, as our son was a baby at the time. My partner went into a complete strop! I felt so awful - not only did I feel dreadful because of the D&Vs, but I felt gulity for being ill AND sorry for myself for not having any sympathy! But this is a minor instance - there are some much MUCH worse ones!

I am completely gutted that I've only just realised [through the counselling] that my partner has language and communication problems. I could have been saved years of pain and heartache  if only I had known.

More later, haven't eaten yet! Love Rosemary xx

Hi Guys, i'm here. This is a wonderful idea. I am pushed for time tonight but will try and come on tomorrow. Hope you are both ok? Speak to you both (and others hopefully) soon xx

Hi again Rosemary,

Yeah thats a shocker, "leaving him alone to do his own thing" is the support he wants?!  No wonder he might do the same to you, in his mind that is what is needed during a stressful event  Still i guess it will help understanding how he feels.  As you said previously why could he not tell you all this before, why did it take a stranger?  Still i guess that is what counsilling is all about having that mediator for things he felt he could not discuss.  I guess it all stems back to the difficulties some Aspies have with Epathy, Theory of mind, and not being able to read ours!!  I know if i am in a bad mood my husband can be the last person to pick up on it!!  I had quite a few years of Breastfeeding my son and was up Four five times a night, my husband decided he should sleep in another room during those years as my getting up to our son was stopping him sleeping!!  Not matter how much i told him how physically exhausted i was, we were running a bed and breakfast at the time.  It was all and still so often is all me, me, me not thinking, or now we know possibly not able ( wired) to think of others feelings.

When is your next session? 

Puffin x

Hi Rosemary,

i really should read my mails back afterwards, "really helpful" twice!! When i type i tend to go off on a tangent, bearing my heart and soul but my grammer and spelling go out the window!  i apologise in advance for any badly spelt rants i may make!

Puffin x

PS forgot to say - good suggestion, Puffin. X 

Hi Puffin,

Thanks for hopping on board! Hope Optomistic comes too - I have some experiences to share that are similar to that which she has had with the inability to give emotional suport.

The last counselling session was predominantly about this. The counsellor tried to unpick what support might mean for my partner.

There was a very long pause and then he said that for him it would mean giving him space and leaving him to do his own thing.??!! That is so NOT what it means in my book so that probably explains why my partner just ignore any issues that arise, does his level best not to talk about them and leaves me to deal with them by myself. Ho hummmm..... we live and learn! Goodness knows what the counsellor made of this.

Love Rosemary xx

Hi Rosemary,

Great idea, i know i have found the site really helpful and being able to chat to other wifes going through the same thing , really helpful. 

Puffin x