Support thread for those of us with partners/spouses with ASC-all welcome

Hi All

Please accept my apologies for blundering into your conversation, and also if I should have posted this elsewhere - I am new here, so won't be offended if you tell me to go to another forum. I've just found this conversation, and fell so relieved and reassured that other people are going through the as me. My partner and I have been together for 4 years, and although he told me early on in the relationship that he has "some autism markers" I completely put the conversation out of my head. I have spent most of the last year convinced he is a thoughtless, selfish person who only cares about himself, and is obsessed with computer games although he has had lots of stress at work. Reading these posts and looking at autism markers has finally made me see that he does have a large number of the markers and using computer games as an escape route. I'd love any advice or thoughts from partners of adult ASD sufferers as (soppy bit now - sorry) I love my partner to bits, but was convinced the only way was out, as he can be nearly impossible to live with.

Huge apology for rambling on.

Hilary x

Puffin - My partner does that too!  [Twiddles his thumbs when thinking] How odd! He also rocks, from side to side, at the dining room table. It drives me mad as it makes me dizzy! Ha ha ha, its like being at Wimbledon watching the ball. Oh my life!

Its hard to believe you are relusive and have no friends, as you are such a lovely warm, chatty lady on here. I know what you mean though - I too have lost confidence in myself. I think it is partly time of life for me [I hit the big 50 yesterday] but mainly not being able to control and sort out what the hell was happening with my relationship! I kind of feel better now that I know a lot of it was/is beyond my control.

We too have got to the point where I can say rather irreverent things about Aspies, [whilst giggling, and not in a nasty way] and we both smile and have a hug. Isn't it a funny thing? I have very mixed feelings about it - on the one hand, it has caused me so much heartache and trouble. On the other, I do love them both for all their craziness and find it hard to want them to magically change, as that would mean they lost their individuality. [And boy! have they got that in spades!]

I am completely with you on the tiny sounds keeping you awake. This is why I turned to earplugs. I have been thinking back to when I was a child and I had lots of ASC traits - I was desperately shy, scared of everything and had food aversion. But now, all those are gone. Not sure what to make of this - d'you think lots of ASC traits could be a normal part of childhood or have I managed to overcome them? I am a totally social animal now, unrecognizable from the girl I was. I wonder if we should take heart from this and have faith that our children will overcome their traits. Its an interesting subject. I am not sure if I have told you, I have a grown up boy from a previous relationship. He does not show any signs of ASC apart from being a grumpy, testosterone fuelled male!

Love the thought of you planning an easter egg hunt around your garden. My boy has an invite to his year 6 buddy's one [from school]. We could do with the weather perking up!

Lots love, Rosemary xxx

Hi again!

Yes i think it is denial too, if i am honest i was a bit like that also in the beginning.  Not helped by the fact my sons speech therapist also said "no signs of a disorder" initially, she then back tracked in November last and said he was showing signs and probably Aspergers due to early years history, blah blah, etc.  So i have only really accepted and come to terms with it over the last five months. Before that i hoped everyone was wrong but for my sons sake not incase it would look bad on me. 

I now accept and deal with it , although it is easier some days than others

I have really sensitive hearing, the hum of the fridge at night bothers me.  Two nights ago i was laying in bed acould hear a quiet ticking sound and finally tracked it down to a my sons wristwatch in another room, i could not sleep with the sound!  No sensitivities to smell though.?!  I have through the years become a bit of a recluse, lost confidence etc, but in my youth a long long time ago, just after the dinosaurs!!!  I was outgoing and confident, just life has changed me , dont think it is Aspergers, living with one for all these years  didn't help!

You know what it's like young love, want to be with them all the time ,you stop calling your friends back, only have time for your new love and before you know it twenty years down the line all the friends have long gone, (no wonder) and you discover you dont get on with hubbie as well as you used to, discovwer he has Aspergers and you are now left to deal with it all on your own (wishing you had kept in touch with friends now)!  

I like the "Autism is an over emphasis of the NT world" explanation , that does make sense i agree.

"happy birthday" for yesterday, very pleased your husband seems to be trying, it is a learning experiance for all of us.

My husband accepts his Aspergers traits, we joke about it sometimes, i just laugh about soemthing he does eg.( twiddles his thumbs when thinking), and whisper "Aspie", in his ear, he can see then what he is doing and accepts it and laughs aswell, he has no problem with having Aspergers, although as he has admitted he is now 48 has a job, wife and home most of his hurdles he has already crossed, so it is much easier for him.  He still sometimes thinks too much is made of it with regards our son.  I do not think it is denial, he just wants everyone to stop hasseling our son about it (mainly school) and let him be and do what makes him happy, who cares about the rest of the world?!  I think it is protection mode more than denial.

All fine here, apart from the cold weather.  My son is just starting his usual " i do not want to go to martial arts class" rant.  We may just let him quit for a few weeks as so stressful dragging him along every week, even though he is really happy at the end of it.  The hassle getting him out to it can be quite stressful. 

I am about to sit down with a cup of tea and my thinking hat and start planning a easter egg hunt map for my son in our garden for Sunday, he loves it!! I will have a snow shovel ready!

Take care

Puffin x x

Oh, P.S. I forgot. Yes, we are meant to have weekly 'catch-up' meetings with the SEN who is a consultant in our area for the schools [but based in my son's school]. This tends to happen for a week or so and then they slip. I do understand that her caseload is horrible, but that is why we have had the problems recently and now relations are not good as they have turned nasty, knowing they are in the wrong and trying to hide it. xx

Puffin - how are you doing?

I think denial is the commonest reaction. Even my brother refused to accept that our little boy [his nephew] is AS. I think it is hard for people to accept that anything could possibly be wrong with their genes [Especially men!!]

Ha ha - do you do this? I constantly see ASC traits in myself now and wonder if its my genes too. I had a bit of a moment on here a couple of days ago when I read that earplugs thread. I ALWAYS sleep with earplugs in, as I hear the tiniest of sounds. LOL, I once was woken up in the middle of the night by a minute scratching sound. It turned out to be a beetle trapped inside my toilet bag!!! I have a mega sense of smell too.

The difference is that I accept it - it doesn't help in any way, shape or form being in denial. We had a family support worker come round a week or so ago. She was completely amazing and it is she who is the catalyst for all the stuff that has happened at school. She told me that autism is just an over-emphasis of the NT world. That made such huge sense to me. I am guessing that that is how this theory of the neuron pathways not getting pruned back, has also come about. Its totally b*ggered up things at school at the mo tho. I am not sure if its possible now, to get back on the right track with them as I don't think I will ever trust them again.

My partner is really trying, I think. Its my birthday today and he has been really lovely. I think we are both on a journey. He is somewhere along the road to accepting he has AS and I have accepted it [with difficulty] and am now trying to cope with accepting that he cannot radically change.

Does your man accept that things he does that naff you off are down to the ASC? I have now started to point out to my partner when he does them [or doesn't do them!]. Its quite hard for both of us as I've had well over a decade of just accepting it, but my partner does seem to be listening SOMETIMES!!! Ha ha.

Love rosemary xxx

Hi There,

Sorry to gear about your colds, some nasty ones going around, hope you are feeling better soon ( my husband never gets a cold it is always the flu !!)

I think you are right about the school, people are always a bit more agressive if they have something to hide.  As you say though dispite the stress and grey hairs (costing me a fortune to dye mine!) they have probably given you that little wake up call to be more pro active.   I am in the exact same position.  My sons head teacher usually arranges "solution focus meetings" every three months we are now in month five and nothing and a few little problems are starting to arise at school with regards unsupervised playtime and new teachers.  I like yourself am looking forward to not having to deal with them for two weeks!  i will then have to get pro active and sort this outon his return.  I am a bit unpopulary at the moment over school bus safety, seems i am the only person that sees the dangers?!

I did not know your husbands family did not know about the Aspergers?!  Funny my mother in law can see our son can be different at times but can see no signs in her son, denies point blank he has a problem because that means it may be her or her now deceased husbands genes (definatly)!  I must admit i like to wind her up about that, we do not get on too well!  she feels my sons autism is nurture not nature, and that is like a red rag to a bull with me!

Hope your family conversation regards autism went better than mine usually do?!

Take care

puffin xx

Oops! That's been and put the tin hat on it! Just come to the end of my tether talking to my partner's family and blurted out that he has it too. OMG! Cannot think it will go down well. Guessing they will go into denial.

XX

Hi Puffin,

We are all poorly with a bad cold.

Well, we are now onto the next drama and this time it is school. Its kind of my fault as I have stuck my neck out and caused a furore. My intentions were good though - I was only trying to help. I think what has happened is that they have realised that i have rumbled them in their apathy.

Wow! The backlash is something else - they have tried to ban me from talking to my son's T.A.s. I have got in touch with Parent Partnership and they are going to come to the next meeting with me - as I was ganged up on by the SEN, the headteacher and our autism team school worker on Friday. It was pretty unpleasant but its done me a big favour - I now know I have to be more pro-active and cannot just trust the 'experts'.

Have had a sh*tty few days but I'll just keep on fighting the good fight. I know that the strength of the reaction is to do with the fact they are trying to hide the fact they are not doing what they should.

Looking forward to 2.5 wks respite from school if I am honest. Its been causing me much stress.

Love Rosemary, more grey hairs but refusing to lie down and die! LOL xxx

Hi there,

 Hope all is ok with you?  My son is still teary on leaving for school in the morning, but fine on his return saying he has had a good day, thankfully.   He starts swimming again after the Easter holidays, that will be another problem, it always gets him a bit stressed.

Have a good Easter hols,

Puffin xx

Hi Azalea,

Good idea, i will do that, thank you.

Hope everything is good with you and your lovely guinea pigs 

No my son has not sleepwalked, but i did read they could be connected.  I find myself listeninng out for him at night in case that was the case and he fell down the stairs, or worse in his sleep, luckily i am a light sleeper! and unfortunatly a natural born worrier!

Take care,

Puffin

Hi Rosemary,

Sorry i did not get back to you, for some reason my e mail inbox did not tell me you had posted a comment?  I was wondering if all was ok, just checked the thread and saw you typed this on Tuesday?!

So what did your son do as you were trying to get him out of the door for school?

I feel exactly the same regards coping, one day i can be really upbeat and see the bright side to everything, another day it can be all doom and gloom.  I think thats normal we have alot on our shoulders, and it takes alot to see the bright side all the time, it depends on all other factors aswell, hubbies, family, school so much to deal with.  A few weeks after joining the site and receiving so much help and information for my son i actually found it all a bit much to take on,  i felt better after leaving the site for a week or two to process all i had learnt and get it all perspective. Alot to deal with when you have no one to share the load.

Hope you are feeling cheerier now. 

Take care

Puffin x  

Hi Puffin.

Shall we stay here for the moment where new users will be sure to see us? I'm just starting to settle in!

If we get some more on board, we can always ask them to email Mike. I did email him to ask him if he would remove the 2nd thread that I accidentally posted as nothing happened when I clicked on Submit. I never got a reply though

More later about my partner. Bit down in the mouth today to be honest. Sometimes, I feel I can cope with it all and other times I find it all depressing and insurmountable. Are you like that or do you feel the same all the time?

Rosemary xx 

PS... and remind me to tell you what my little boy did today when we were trying to get out the house to go to school. I was tearing my hair out and we ended up being 15mins late!

xx

Puffin - Thanks for reply. I will have a look for that website later, esp. as I have school worries at the mo., too. My little boy's problems are different to yours in that respect, perhaps. He does not spend much time in the classroom due to disturbing the rest of the class through his short attention span. I am really worried about him getting behind, not because he cannot learn, but because he is being treated differently and has 2 assistants trying to teach him who have had no formal teaching training. He is very bright but doesn't concentrate for very long and is quite hyperactive.

Back later. Rosemary xx

Hi Rosemary,

That sounds awful, so sorry for both your losses.  I cannot even imagine how horrible that must have been.   From what i have read though Rosemary as hard as that was for you he must have suffered too, but just could not show it and unable to support you through it   bad memories indeed...

NAS have responded to me under "proposed changes to the site" and said if there is an interest (enough responses to there thread i assume) they will start a new heading "partners of Asperger suffers" but it is hard to find the thread, not really sure what to do about that, i doubt newcomers on the site would find it.

Have you ever looked at Mark Huttens website "my Aspergers child", very good and free of charge , you get sent mailings weekly regards different problems and possible solutions.  I have found it helpful, especially this weeks " going to bat for your Aspergers child, getting school to take you seriously"!

My little boy went back to school very reluuctantly today a few tears were shed ( i think mainly due to missing quite a bit of school lately with one bug or another).  I cannnot wait to have him back home after that.  His dad would love to have him home schooled ( a constant battle between us).  I feel as long as he enjoys school and it is a positive experience, he goes.  My husband is a natural born worrier and would rather have my son at home safe and happy.  To reduce my husbands anxiety mainly !  If my son did continue to not want to go to school and was unhappy for more than a few weeks i would consider  home tutoring , i am ready for that when he gets to high school age.  I just think the social interaction is good for him at the moment and he loves it (most of the time), just new events, outings are a cause of anxiety for him.   I promised him i would pick him up from school today.  

Take care,

Puffin x

Puffin - Amen to that! ["Your aspie might not be there for you, etc"] My partner once went off to his 1st cricket match of the season whilst I was having a miscarriage [one of 2 babies I have sadly lost in the 1st trimester] and left me to pass the products of conception on my own!! He didn't even ask me if I wanted him to stay. Bad memories...

What a great idea to give the counsellor a book to read. I should have done it before so she could have some light reading on her fortnight's holiday, ha ha ha! She has had some training, but I'm not sure how much.

When I was looking for a counsellor, I emailed the NAS to ask them for their list and it took them about 2.5wks to get back to me, which is not good when you're in a crisis. I'd made alternative arrangements by then.

I'm sure Opto's absence is nothing to do with us. I wonder about the other thread though [her original one] Can't say what I am thinking.

Hope to speak soon. Love rosemary xxx

Hi Rosemary.

Don't worry you did not sound preachy, i appreciated the concern, just embarrassed at my own honesty. 

The break from the counsellor might be for the best as you say, you can think it all over and be fully prepared for the next one. I have been looking on the internet and saw loads of books out there about being married to a Aspie and one thing that stood out was the title of one chapter in one book " your Aspie may not be there for you in a crisis" !  Sounds familiar!  Forgotton the title i will let you know later, something about 22 things you should know being married to an Aspie?!  If you could buy or borrow a book or books from the library you could give it to your counsellor to read !

She cannot help you if she does not fully understand!

I hope i have not scared Optomistic away with my earlier mailing ?! 

Puffin x

Puffin - I didn't mean to sound preachy!  Funnily enough, my partner has done it to me once too and i also, turned a blind eye. We were having an almighty row at the time. It was undignified rather than painful. He also threw a glass of wine over me recently and it turned into something akin to a comic sketch as i whipped him mercilessly with a tea towel. I was completely furious, but could also see the funny side as it was happening.

Yes, thanks. I have stopped feeling sorry for myself for the moment. The counsellor is away now for 3 weeks [great!] which I was initially dismayed about, but now I am thinking it will give me chance to think about a few things.

She got up my nose last week. The thing is, she is doing couples counselling without a huge amount of knowledge/experience of ASC and so I do not feel that she totally appreciates the sh*t I have to contend with, on a daily basis. I'm sure she would if she had to put up with it though! 

Our sons sound very similar. Wonder where Opto has got to??

Love Rosemary xx

Hi Rosemary,

No not happened before and will not happen again.  I am ignoring it this time,  As it was upsetting but was a one off.  spoke to hubby about it again yesterday, he said it was my tone of voice and basically implied my fault!  Not much else i can do at moment do not want to put my son with his difficulties through any stress.  But i promise i will not accept that behaviour if it ever happens again. I am a bit embarresed i mentioned it at all.

My son and husband are both visual learners and my sons memory amazes me he recalls events years ago.  He also memorises tv adverts, so much so he could tell me how long to leave the vanish carpet cleaner on my carpet based on an advert he had seen long before!

Ask my son to name all the animals you could see at the zoo in one minnute though ( a test the speech therapist carried out) and he could only name four!!  No visual stimuli and a problem with imagination i guess.  I was very suprised as my son is quite bright.  yes it is very difficult for a NT to see things through Aspergers glasses.

How are you now anyway, feeling better?

Puffin x

Puffin - Holy smoke!! Your husband kicked you????!!! Am now quite shocked. Does it happen often? Was it designed to hurt, or a sort of 'pretend-to-kick-you' passive aggression sort of a kick? Either way not nice and totally out of order.

Hope you don't mind me saying this but I don't think you should ignore it. If he is an aspie then he probably won't wonder why you are quiet with him as I am led to believe that AS don't think in this way. I [am a novice] but think they need things spelling out and sometimes in pictures!! Not joking - many AS people are very visual and words don't do it for them. For example, my partner prefers maps for directions, whereas I much prefer a list of instructions to follow.

Oh and another thing - my other half also has a defective memory! Its all very weird but I think it is because he processes language differently. So he remembers it as different to how a NT person would. Its horribly confusing and when you put AS glasses on to look at it, you end up scratching your head!

Domestic violence is never ever acceptable though. Please don't accept it.

Always here for you, love Rosemary xx