Support thread for those of us with partners/spouses with ASC-all welcome

we r the auties said:

 I don't want to live in Aspergers world any more. Its not nice for a NT person

Today's session has demoralised me - either my partner has much worse language and communication difficulties that I thought, or he's a skunk!

Really fed up. All I ever did was fall in love with him and try to have a 'normal' relationship and life. I don't want all this cr@p any more. Life is too short. There's only 2 of us 4 siblings in our family left so looks like we are not long livers.

Love Rosemary xx

I am a female with Asperger's, with an NT husband.

Daily life as someone on the spectrum is a struggle you will never have to understand as an NT.  For us, it's not just a marriage that's not nice, it's the whole of society.

My husband, despite being NT, does many thoughtless and selfish things.  In fact, virtually all of the things ladies on this thread have accused their husbands of because of being Aspies or potential Aspies, my husband does too, and he is definitely NT.

I am the one who remembers birthdays and anniversaries.  He has always been unsupportive, uncommunicative and thinks everything is a joke (even when you are upset).  I read all the time that men generally are not great communicators and many are unsupportive.

Aspies have our own personalities too, you can't blame everything wrong in someone on their autism spectrum condition!

I could say the same, all I did was fall in love with him.  We grew apart years ago because I had enough.  I have done so much to support him in his work and been like a single parent with our children who both have autism spectrum conditions too.

I just wanted to give the other perspective, because everyone seems to be blaming Aspies and commiserating with how awful we are, and it's not so.  An individual can be blamed for their shortcomings yes, but don't blame everything on the condition.  There are plenty of NTs full of shortcomings too - and their brains are wired "normally".

Hi,

I recently started writing stories to hopefully compile into a book.  My therapist is encouraging.  There are several themes, one being that my mother, by all means determinable, was an Aspie, and now I am married to one. 

I'm writing because I feel quite hurt by my Aspie husband.  I thought I was doing a good job of stating my needs when I requested that if he happens to be cooking something I might eat on a Sunday (I work weekends), could he please shoot off an notice email.  If there is nothing in the frig when I leave for work, then it would save me the expense of buying dinner and it would be "homey" and nice to eat with him when I return from work.  He often cooks on Sundays.

The request went haywire in my view.  He explained that it made him angry, and since he is working on his anger issues, he provided great detail on how, since he prides himself on doing things well, he would feel responsible to shop etc. to feed me.  He basically turned down my request no matter how much I explained how simple it was, or that I was not trying to burden him at all.

The rejection coupled with his response to my letting him know that I had been slightly under the weather:  "You are always tired and sick" hurt my feelings immensely.

I did get angry when he didn't seem to care that I'd been feeling ill. I had 2 major surgeries last year.  It has been a struggle to get back into the work force.  I also have hired health coaches to help me regain strength. He has picked apart a lot of their guidance to the point where I no longer share with him.  I do have short bouts with viruses.  I think he said that because, on some level, he must realize he is a lot to deal with????  It's easier to project than acknowledge.

I feel quite distanced from him, now.  It's unfortunate.  I say to myself, "Well, he is an obsessive Aspie, I have to make allowances."  However, it doesn't feel good that I was trying hard to fill my needs and the topic became about him, and my request was denied.

He does fulfill a lot in other ways of our marriage.  But, when it comes to intimate requests or caring about me when I'm down etc., he can leave a lot to be desired.

Of course, given I'm spending hours writing about my Aspie mom, his behavior triggers my past.  I feel very alone.  It's frustrating to work hard to ask for one's needs (something I couldn't do as a child) and be denied.

Support appreciated.

Artsy

artsy and Alex - many thanks.

artsy said:

Hi Alex,

You must be part of the writing staff for NAS website from your response to Susie.  Interesting.

Kind of. I do work for the NAS, and I'm currently the acting Community Manager. But there's a new full-time Community Manager, who'll be introduced shortly.

Alex R

Hi Alex,

You must be part of the writing staff for NAS website from your response to Susie.  Interesting.

Artsy

Thank you, Susie.

I'm afraid that all I've got to offer right now is the 'partners' section of the NAS website. It desperately needs fleshing out, though - something which we're hoping to do quite soon.

Best wishes,

Alex R

Hi Susie,

I certainly can understand your feelings of being torn.  It's all new to you and, of course, your feelings are raw.

I'm not one to ask for guidance.  My husband is on the spectrum, but is not diagnosed. Good for you being diagnosed!  Everything takes time.  As it passes, more will become clear.

For me, what has helped in our relationship, and is vital to my husband, is the technique "active listening."  He refers to it as his lifeline in our marriage.

Do you have a therapist to help unwind your raw feelings?  For me, therapy has always helped.  I learned there not to take my husband's blunt way of speaking personally - what an eye-opener.

Wish you the best.  Let us know how you are doing.

Best,

Artsy

To Artsy and Alex,

many thanks for your replies. I was more than a little apprehensive about posting my comment as I did not wish to cause any offense yet felt a need to say something. Both of you have given insightful and non judgemental replies and I really do appreciate that. I am quite recently officially diagnosed and still trying to make sense of a whole lot of things - I guess I'm feeling a little unsure and my feelings are raw and perhaps torn between between acceptance and defensive. Some guidance on where to go from here would be appreciated. x

Hi Alex,

I'm so glad you responded to Susie's message in an insightful manner.  From what you've wrote, it sounds to me that you have found great reward with your partner.  This is excellent for me to hear also.  I appreciate thoroughly.

I, too, have moments of great depth and hours of exchange with my partner.  I agree with you that the NAS blog is for everyone and for every experience.  

It is good to read that folks like yourself have found the realtionship enriching and enduring.  I'm new to this site and have read more of the opposite, people wanting to leave their partners, etc.  I believe this is the case for Susie, also.

It would be wonderful to hear from more partners in regards to why they stay.

Thank you,

Artsy

Hi Susie,

My partner is on the spectrum, and I've found it to be a pretty much entirely positive aspect of our relationship. It means that I'm treated with understanding when I indulge my own fixations, and where our deep interests overlap, we're able to talk for hours about them. That helps us both - it means we're able to gain genuine insight, rather than just amass facts.

But I think this thread is important for people with all kinds of experiences. It would be very wrong to assume that everyone finds such a life easy or always rewarding. The NAS aims to support everyone living with autism, which includes both those who are on the spectrum and their close friends and families.

Alex

Hi Susie163,

Yes, I had the same reaction to a lot of what I have read on this site.  However, I believe that we can, or you can, make the site what you want it to be, or use it to your best ability - make it work for you.

I'm glad you responded because perhpas we are kindred spirits.  I, too, believe being involved with my husband has taught me the same gifts you mention above.  I think some folks use the website for venting their frustrations only and have found someone who wants to do the same in return.

I am in a 16 year relationship.  I find that emphasizing the positive works far better for me than dwelling in the negative.  For instance, today is my day off.  I woke my husband early and asked if he would join me to try a new restaurant for breakfast and then take a long walk at Land's End.  We live in San Francisco.  He agreed.  He did not like the food the first time for breakfast nor the second for lunch.  However, he walked with me for several hours on the Coastal Trail and down to the beach, and paid for both meals, and took the long bus ride home.  He's quite dedicated.  None of these activities would have been his choice.  He was quiet, doesn't say much, but hsi willingness to join me shows that he cares.

I hope you can share more of your positive experiences Susie163 about your experiences with autism.  I look forward to reading.  Maybe we can get more folks to  share their positive experiences with partners on the Austistic spectrum.

Best,

Artsy

I really cannot believe that all of the above was posted on a site designed to help those with autism. For me personally, autism has given me the gifts of insight, acceptance and tolerance.

Hi Rosemary,

I wanted to share a positive message about my Aspie husband.  I recently recovered from a long illness and 2 major surgeries.  My husband was my sole care taker.  I am now back on my feet, have found a lovely part-time job and our grown children are healthier now than in the past.  Life is much better.

This past week's holiday celebration is my topic.  MY husband is retired.  He loves to muddle around in the backyard, rearrange plants and such.  For our get together with family and friends, he worked many days preparing not just the back yard, but most of the side dishes.  We had a lovely get together.

His short coming is his lack of socializing.  He does not understand key nuances.  It has taken me years to understand and lots of therapy.  However, he does okay in low key get togethers.

I must say that I am quite proud of all the work and personal touches he put forth for our party.  The event gave me such a sense of peace.  He even told me a few days before how much he loved me.

I see my husband opening up in his elderly years.  He is doing all the things he loves to do and is trying to enhance my life also.

We definitely hit our rough spots and use 'active listening' to get through it.  However, I find that I must fill the needs which he cannot.  My most hopeful need is to find a close girlfriend.  I have had difficulty in that area because I've been embarassed by my husband's odd ways.  I think I'm realizing now, that other people have relationship problems, too.  It's taken so long for me to grow up.

Wanted to share the good news.

Artsy

Hiya,

Thank you so much for reading my comments.  It's so good to be able to just have a place where I can talk with people who can understand my frustrations.  I have bent my friend's ears for a while now and whilst theydo try to suggest things, they really don't  understand.

Sadly, my partner would never come to counselling with me as he would think it is only for others and we wouldn't need it.  I will however look into it for myself although as you say it's not easy to access for adults.

Bluegem, I totally understand where you are coming from and how you must feel very confused and frustrated.  Having re-read your comments, some things ring very true to my story as well.  I would like to believe that our partners actions do come from Autism/Aspergers and not from cruelty.  My partner recently supported me through a very major operation and slow recovery.  He truly provided ALL the practical things I needed throughout as he always does  BUT...the only thing missing was an emotional connection about the huge impact it had and is still having on my life. Sadly, he has little grasp about feelings and emotions or if he has he really can't express them apart from getting exasperated with people! 

My partner and I met in our 50's and he also has a very small circle of friends and prefers not to socialise outside of the people he feels safe with.  

I do hope that reading this has made you feel less isolated and you know someone else out here has a very similar relationship.  I also hope that you are recovering well and can spend just a little time nurturing yourself as well as everyone else.

XX

Bluegem - sorry not been on. as per ruddy usual I am immersed in school issues. Grrrr! Its takn over my life. How are you doing? I have the titles of a couple of books which may be helpful for you XX

confusednt - so sorry you are going through this. How hurtful for you.

Do you think your partner would be amenable to a diagnosis? If so, the way forward is through your GP. You may want to go 1st to explain the situation and find out if they know who to refer to. Warning - there seems to be a deficit in services for high functioning adults. You may have some searching to do for a referral. Ours came from our local autism team but the lady researched it from her own good heart, as this service is for children only.

In the meantime, you may find that a counsellor with autism/aspergers awareness can help you. It has us, though depending on how tolerant I feel from day to day, life is .... erm interesting .... We have a small child with AS/High function too.

XX

Hi folks.

I have not posted before but have read lots of your comments with interest.  Today I am writing this in total despair with my relationship and would love to hear from anyone with positive comments please.  I have a very dear partner of 6 years who's ways are driving me to despair and I have begun to believe he may have Aspergers syndrome.

He has always been very quirky but has also childlike and endearing qualities which is why I fell for him.  (And yes he has many obsessions and extreme likes and dislikes from which he cannot be moved.) Despite this he is very kind, generous and in his own way very considerate.

The main difficulty I have is his lask of emotional and physical connection.  Out of the blue a while ago he pushed me away and said he had never liked physical contact and  will never again touch me! Then he just carried on a conversation as normal whilst leaving me devastated.  I tried to talk to him later about it but he just gets annoyed and changes the subject.  

In our 6 years together he has never given me a compliment but finds it easy to tell me how attractive other females are!!?? again when I tell him it hurts me he looks blank and gets annoyed.

I actually work with autistic children to have tried to be understanding about this but today it's just got to me  I do not understand at all.

Am really sorry to come onto this site so down but am hoping someone out there can help me understand his thinking and re connect with him.

Thanks for reading this.

Hi everyone and thanks to Rosemary for leading me to this thread.

I am at the end of my tether with my partner of 10 years.  Looking back I don't know how I have put up with him for all of this time - I can only think it has to be love. 

Since I met him via a dating agency, I knew he was a bit 'odd'.  On our first date he stood by his car when I pulled up and kept staring straight ahead.  I had to ask if he was D and introduce myself.  Well, we went to a pub and he sat opposite me but couldn't look at me - he seemed to be looking everywhere but at me.  Then he started going on about some pidgeon outside in the carpark as if that was more interesting than me.  Although I found him physically attractive, I had already decided he didn't like me and would not want another date, so was surprised when outside he pulled me into his arms and kissed me.  He said he thought I was 'very nice' and so we did arrange to see each other again.

He was such hard work though.  Our dates consisted of either him coming to my place or me going to his place.  I soon learned that he wasn't into socialising or going out.  As I got to know him, I realised that he had no friends at all and that I was probably his first serious relationship.  Being that he was 53 when we met, that was rather unusual.

As time went on, I got more and more hurt by his lack of emotion as I was falling for him in a big way.  He never told me how he felt about me, he never seemed to be proud of being with me, never wanted to have his photo taken with me, never wanted to meet my friends or family.  I sometimes wonder why I stayed with him. My first husband was physically disabled and I think I have always been a sucker for the underdog type.

As the years went on I became more and more unhappy, often threatening to leave him but changing my mind when he begged me to stay.  He would never admit he was in the wrong or apologise though, I always ended up thinking it was my fault things weren't working.

Then 6 months ago I got diagnosed with *** cancer and it was his total lack of empathy or support that finally got to me.  He even dropped me off in the hospital car park when I went for surgery, saying that I would be well looked after!

I decided to get some counselling through Macmilan Relate and although I mentioned the subject of Asperger's to the counsellor, he seemed to think that D was a very uncaring, selfish man and that there was no future in the relationship.  The reason I joined this site was mainly to save my relationship by understanding Asperger's - I want to compare symptoms with other women, learn how they cope etc.  If I am wrong and he does not have AS, then that would be worse for the counsellor would be right and he is just horrid and selfish.

Sorry again for the essay

Love Bluegem x

 bumping up the thread for Blue Gem

things not good here, ladies.

watch out school is all i can say, after today - i am seething!

and as for that man that i live with....... he has had a rocket up his backside tonight! I am clean out of patience.

watch this space - i have come to the end of my tether with it all and as for the school - well, words fail me and that doesn't happen very often.

i've had a brainwave tonight though. more soon....

love rosemary xxx