Support thread for those of us with partners/spouses with ASC-all welcome

Hi artsy,

I've just been reading comments on this subject as I'd posted a topic last week about being an NT disabled person with an Aspie husband.  I could relate to everything you have said.  You don't like to think that the person you love can be unkind to you when you are ill.  Knowing about the Aspergers rather late in life has helped a great deal.  If you feel that reading my 'stories' on the other thread would help then please do.

I also know that it seems quite common for AS people to be very defensive and it is understanding that they would be but I feel that you wanted to hear from people who are in the same position as you because sometimes when you live with an Aspie you feel that you want to scream "This is not about YOU!"  But of course it would do no good because they can't help it any more than we can help being ill.

A therapist once said that my husband was the most defensive person she had ever met and she wondered if he had been terribly hurt when he was young.  He says he doesn't think so and can't remember but since the Aspergers thing popped up we have read a lot of books and he can explain to me how things feel and why he is so defensive.  It's as if someone has unscrambled a code for us - as I say rather late in life as we've been married 45 years but better late than never.

I've been ill for 34 years and 'asking for my needs' was the hardest part but, of course, it is true that a lot of NT men can't cope with illness.  As I said on my other thread, I had an exceptional father and brother so I thought that selfish men were in the minority as they were so warm and caring.  If your knowledge of men stems from that base then that's what creates your expectations.  I wasn't ill when I got married and was always very fit so once I was ill it was a huge disappointment to find myself with someone who seemed not to care.  I'd had a taste of it when I had my children (also on the other thread) but I still wished it could be different.  He shows his caring in other ways.

Hi artsy,

I've just been reading comments on this subject as I'd posted a topic last week about being an NT disabled person with an Aspie husband.  I could relate to everything you have said.  You don't like to think that the person you love can be unkind to you when you are ill.  Knowing about the Aspergers rather late in life has helped a great deal.  If you feel that reading my 'stories' on the other thread would help then please do.

I also know that it seems quite common for AS people to be very defensive and it is understanding that they would be but I feel that you wanted to hear from people who are in the same position as you because sometimes when you live with an Aspie you feel that you want to scream "This is not about YOU!"  But of course it would do no good because they can't help it any more than we can help being ill.

A therapist once said that my husband was the most defensive person she had ever met and she wondered if he had been terribly hurt when he was young.  He says he doesn't think so and can't remember but since the Aspergers thing popped up we have read a lot of books and he can explain to me how things feel and why he is so defensive.  It's as if someone has unscrambled a code for us - as I say rather late in life as we've been married 45 years but better late than never.

I've been ill for 34 years and 'asking for my needs' was the hardest part but, of course, it is true that a lot of NT men can't cope with illness.  As I said on my other thread, I had an exceptional father and brother so I thought that selfish men were in the minority as they were so warm and caring.  If your knowledge of men stems from that base then that's what creates your expectations.  I wasn't ill when I got married and was always very fit so once I was ill it was a huge disappointment to find myself with someone who seemed not to care.  I'd had a taste of it when I had my children (also on the other thread) but I still wished it could be different.  He shows his caring in other ways.