Support thread for those of us with partners/spouses with ASC-all welcome

Hi KC,

Welcome to the support thread .  i hope it helps you to understand your partner and improve on your relationship.  i think living with an Aspie is really a "work in progress"!  but if you love them enough you keep trying to help and understand each other.  We are here to help and sympathize with the ups and downs

Hi Rosemary,

All ok here, you know the usual ! I have a cold, husband has flu!  i am exhausted, husband feels worse!  My sons good though  

Glad you are feeling a bit better.  Have a large glass of wine, watch a funny movie , that always helps me.

I am here when, and if you want to talk about it.

take care

Puffin x x

KC - Interesting stuff! We've been doing the scales stuff for a while - I agree it works to some extent. I have some very major issues to deal with, with my partner and I can't put my all into them as I have this stuff going on with my very challenging but very bright little boy at school. Things are better at home though, simply because we both understand though counselling, where we are both coming from. It is very like the scales stuff but my partner is on a journey to see that NT people operate in realtionships differently and emotions ARE OK. Me, I am on a journey to accept my partner will never be like me [but I already know he has strengths  to bring to our relationship thanks to AS]. I just need him to understand I do too - and the counsellor pointed it out to him last week. So funny - he made a joke of it and said 'I am crushed!' 

You know - its a funny old world - I actually appreciate 50% of my immediate family being 'different' as my younger son and my partner have as much to offer the world as we N/T folk do. I just need the school to feel the same [!!!!!] and for my partner to realise he is making me live in unfair conditions!!!!

Love Rosemary xxx

Hi KC - welcome to our little band of not so merry women! My partner is just the same as yours - it is me who lays down the law and he seems unable to enforce it and then struggles hugely at times with our little boy. Drives me nuts, honestly!

Hope to speak more with you soon.

Puffin - sorry I haven't been around. I have been having a horrible time . Just seemed to have managed to sort some stuff out with school and then my son goes into his 1st really difficult phase. I have been beside myself really, for all sorts of reasons. Feeling a bit better tonight but have had to stop the counselling for a while as I just cannot do both things together.

Sorry its another 'me' post  How are you doing?

Love to both, Rosemary xxx

Hi Rosemary,

I have similar concerns to yours about the home schooling, but i also want to help him reduce his stress.  I fear his behaviour and traits could worsen if anxiety is not reduced.  I read alot of threads regards long term effects of non sympathetic schools.

It is a tricky one, at the moment his symptoms do not show themselves too much, outwardly so i am told he does nnot need an official diagnoisis nor statement at the moment, but yet i am told he definatly is on the spectrum and Aspergers is discussed.  Yet when push comes to shove and he is struggling at school whether it be swimming or routine or whatever i do not feel enough allowances are given to him because he hides his anxiety and other traits too well!  He is caught in the middle.

I have to make the school take his concerns seriously and act on ways to help him, they have not carried out half the suggestions since our last meeting.  I have just started the ball rolling to arrange another.

No my husband would not teach him it would be me, i do not worry about that part as so much on the internet nowadays to help, social interaction, being too reliant on me, and my sanity are just a few of my worries! 

My son did get on the bus this morning with a booster seat, thankfully it seems the day to accept the change was enough.  None of the others had one though?!  The seat belts are not adjustable you see, on the old bus they were.  Without a booster  seat on this bus the belt would sit around my sons neck, very dangerous if a crash occured, recommended by one and all but not compulsory, very strange when it is in a car?!

I am going down with another cold just my luck!

Wish i was psychic would get a lottery ticket, win off course.  Holidays galore!  private tuition by an expert on Aspergers, swimming pool in the garden...... dream dream dream!!!

Sorry you are still knackered but at least it sounds like you are getting somewhere now with the school

Take care

Puffin x x

Hi Puffin,

You must be psychic! That was more or less the focus of the last counselling session

Hmmm, I wouldn't want to go down the home schooling route, I must admit. All sorts of things would worry me - eg. is it healthy to be together all the time?, would I be able to teach to a certain standard?, would it make my son even more set in his ways and reluctant to try new things?

Has you husband offered to be the one who is at home all day with your son??? He might soon change his mind if you asked him if he would like to take on that role?

It must be very stressful for you having to deal with your litle boy's anxiety though. My son does not display this. His worst issue is Semsory Integration Disorder and he's having a really bad phase of it at the moment. His behaviour at home and school is not good.

I must admit to feeling completely exhausted at the moment. Need a decent holiday but that won't happen as my partner has this very anally retentive attitude to money.

Hope the school bus thing goes ok. Is it booster seats that they have? What a far cry from my school days - there weren't even seat belts then. Let me know how you get on.

Love a totally knackered Rosemary xxx

Hi Rosemary,

So pleased the outcome was positive with the school dispite the useless support?!  I have heard of parent partnership but do not really understand their role?  but it does not sound as if i am missing out on anything if that is to go on!

How is your little boy through all of this?

My sons school bus changed this week and we were asked to supply child seats for the bus,  (the old bus was involved in a head on collision with a snow plough, no kids on board thankfully)!  Well my son would not get on the bus with a child seat this morning, he threw a bit of a wobbly and was crying said no one else would have one, (he may be right as they are not hot on safety up here).  The school actually brought him home without a child seat last week when the new bus arrived, my husband was furious!  He has now written a couple of angry letters to the school, which i understand but it does not help relations!!   He tends to jump in to these things.  A real mr Angry!  Anyway i had to bring my son in to school in our car , he wants to see if anyone else has a car seat on the bus.  I will have to collect him later too and hopefully tomorrow he would have accepted the child seat idea (as long as he is not the only one)?!  It often takes him a while to accept new things.   He is the same with new shoes , coats or bags has to wear them with us first to get used to the idea before he will eventually be ok bringing or wearing them at school.

Hubby is really keen on the home schooling idea, he is really starting to push it now, (you may have seen my other thread on the chat section)  I am holding off as long as i can.   Really hard to know what to do for the best?  I think my husband sees it as a way to reduce stress all round for him and my son (probably not for me though)!  not sure i come into the eqation?  Not unusaul though is it?!  I am happy to home school , althougfh i know it will be hard, just worried about getting the timing right, and his future social skills, exams etc.

Not surprised you have nothing to comment on to the counsellor, you have had enough to deal with.  Maybe that is the starting point though Title" the little things you can do to support your partner through a crisis"

Take care Rosemary

Puffin xxx

Hi Puffin,

I've been awol last week and no wonder!!! Oh My Life - what a week! I've had to suspend all the relationship stuff with my partner because of school isues.

Not sure if I said that I had involved the Parent Partnership to get to grips with school problems. You won't believe this, but I've had to lodge a complaint against the person they assigned to support me. She was a complete NIGHTMARE!!!! She almost sabotaged the meeting. It had a positive outcome in spite of her, not because of her.

I did laugh at your little boy's cannyness. Clever little sausage! On a positive note - its amazing and very heartening for you to think that he can think of excuses that don't offend the host. What a bright little button. 

We've got counselling again this week and I will have zilch to say as I just cannot put input into my relationship whilst trying to negotiate the school probs. Its bl**dy hard work trying to do it all on my own with no input from my partner.

Love Rosemary [struggling] XXX

Hi Rosemary,

I forget the schools went back on Tuesday in England, i hope he has a good day.  Great that you have someone to go with you on Thursday, ( what a wait, no wonder you are so stressed)!

You are sooo right , i accept my sons little quirks, it makes him who he is and i love him for it, but my families constant lack of understanding stresses me out much more than my son ever could.

My son does not have a statement.  i think the system is different up in scotland anyway.  i have ILP (individual learning plan) meetings supposedly every three months (it has been about five since the last one)!  where senco co ordinator who is the Headmistress , his teacher, local school nurse , special learning part time teacher and speech therapist, who is actually the person who after tests diagnosed my son verbally with Aspergers.  He has not been officially assessed as i quote" in Scotland we deal with childrens  on a needs basis and we are meeting his needs without extra help), they suggested i have him diagnosed officially before he starts secondary school as there may then be extra help given for the transition.  This off course may change if any of my sons anxieties or any other concerns show themselves.

Let me tell you something that may make you laugh, my son was due to go to a really big birthday party at the weekend, which as usual he did not want to as he does not like the big groups or noise, when he spoke to me about it he told me "  well i cannot go anyway mum i told the boy, as i am allergic to cats and he has one"!  My son is not allergic to cats!! he is so clever he just invented the excuse.  I thought it hilarious (maybe a little bit sad if you think on it) but my son missed nothing , he did not want to go, just the way he told me had me laughing.  

whinge to me any time you need to, you know i understand.

take care

Puffin x x 

Hi Puffin,

Meeting isn't until Thurs and my son goes back tomorrow. At least now though, I have had confirmation that the Parent Partnership are coming. I've only has to wait about 3 anxious and angry wks for this. I think I contacted them on the last week of March. Jeez!

I think I might not be responsible for my actions if I had your MIL, lol!  Although I have had similar problems with my brother.

Isn't it odd? Very often, its not the actual condition that causes the problems, but other peoples attitudes and all the hassle you have to go through to get help.

I'm not sure that I know this - how many hours does your son have on his statement? How long did you have to wait before you got a diagnosis? We have been on the waiting list since June last year and he was referred in Sept 11.

Over the easter hols we have seen a consultant paediatrician and I'll pop back on and tell you about this in a bit. She has referred him to an occupational therapist as she agrees with me he has fine and gross motor skills and also has quite bad hypermobility. 

Not in a great place right now and sorry to whinge. Spk soon, love Rosemary xxx

 Hi there, K80brd welcome to our little band of partners !

Yes we can fully understand what you have to put up with  and it is so nice to have a group of people you can talk (well type to) that completly understand.  I have found this site a lifesaver.  I hope you do too

Sorry you are still not well Rosemary, you know i think i have the same problem very sore sinus for over a week now since the last bout of flu  Where is the summer?!  Mind you my son gets hayfever really badly, so that is not very pleasant.

Sorry you are getting a bit depressed at the thought of Monday, i really understand, but if he is happy there and oblivious to alot of the schools wrong doings, that is a good thing having him go off on Monday happy is brilliant.  You unfortunatly will have to deal with the school over the other issues, i do not envy you that, just stay strong.  Yes, as i have mentioned before home schooling is my husbands dream for our son, to save him alot of anxiety (my husband and my son) , i am not working so it could be a possibility.  At the moment though my son like yours really benefits from the social interaction.  He has been not wanting to go to school lately for various reasons ( the unsupervised playground is a big problem, and swimming starts this week)  If his dread of school and stress levels increased.  I.e if school attendence started doing in my opinion, more harm than good i would take him out and home school him, but we are not there yet.

My mother in law leaves today , i really wish she would read atleast one book on Aspergers it would be so less stressful ?!  She normally leaves thinking badly of our sons behaviour and in her opinion my husband and i cause alot of it.  Unfortunatly she likes to share her opinions very loudly !!

I hope you have a good weekend Rosemary, you might feel better after Monday, once you have got things said and started things moving with the school.  The timinng of the school holidays after the incident was nnot great.  not being able to do anything after that Friday has given you longer to get down and depressed over it rather that act, take care.

Have a good weekend ladies

Puffin x x 

K80brd - Welcome

I'm just about to have something to eat, running late as my partner at yet another cricket meeting. I'll be back in a bit.

Sympathies - yes, we understand and it is so tough. I am going trough a really rough patch right now. Will come back and tell you more later but suffice to say - counselling was interesting yesterday.

Having major problems at school and have had to enlist professional support. Dreading my son going back to school. Weird thing is - he loves it, but perhaps not surprising considering he isn't required to do anything by the sound of it.

Puffin - how are you? Home schooling would not be the answer for my son I think. He needs the social interaction with other children. There again, I am doubting myself on everything right now - perhaps I am wrong and he would be better off just having interaction with friends outside school who he knows well. He plays very nicely with them.

Back in a bit. In a bit of a state as have been ill with a nasty bug and then a sinus infection for 2.5wks. No fun in the hols when you have part time work, an aspie partner who has run out of sympathy and a little boy who takes a lot of entertaining.

Love Rosemary xxx

Hi. Can I join you? I have a diagnosed son with HFA, and a husband who is undiagnosed but exhibits many of the same traits. Finally a group of women who can understand why I put up with what I put up with on a daily basis! 

Hi Rosemary,

Sorry you are still under the weather, hopefully back to full health soon.

I am curious about the stunning easter egg hunt?  Ours was good, i thought , but my son said afterwoods, he wants to have to work harder to find the eggs next year was all over in about fifteen minutes! 

What happened at the school?  I can imagine after the discussion and the schools trying to cover up what they have done wrong or not done, it may be difficult to mend bridges.  But that might not be for the worse as long as they are now acting.  It is really hard to keep good relations with the school if you have anything critical to say in my experiance they do not take it well and the headmistress always defends her staff.  Do not let that put you off saying what you have to say though  (says she who avoids confrontation)!  but it is different when it is our children isn't it.  Are you considering moving him?

Whenever i have had a problem with school , my husbands answer is always the same "home school him" ?!  Not always that easy, nor the right chose though?!

Do you have close family or friends to talk to about this, or to go to the school with you?

Take care, thats all for now,

Puffin x x

Hi Puffin,

Good to hear from you. Have I told you about the easter egg hunt my son went on??? It was a bit of a stunner!

We've all been ill with school bugs. I'm still ill and so is my partner. We need a bit of warm weather.

I've hit a brick wall with school. Been very preoccupied with it all and wondering what on earth to do really. The actual incident as done me a favour as its made me realise that my boy is not getting the help he needs, but the defensive reaction from the school has been something else.

Fairly fed-up and hoping things will become a bit clearer soon. Its a real knotty problem to tackle. I need professional help with it - to tackle the school I mean. My partner is totally incapable of supporting me.

Love Rosemary xxx

Hi,

Thank you for mentioning that ,  i had not got round to it, too busy rambling on.

Hopefully the NAS will listen soon.

Puffin 

Hi Hilary,

No apologies necessary, that is why Rosemary started this thread.  Until now mainly just us , although i am sure more read it.  I am pleased you can see simalarities and that makes you feel reassured, it really does make you feel better knowing there are people out there that understand doesn't it, i know it does me!

The simple act of looking this site up in the first place shows how much you care.  You already understand his computer games are a destressing mechanism with him, which helps.  So although they may still be annoying to you at times you understand why he is playing them.

My husband loves football and motorbikes with a passion !!  My son loves games though!  he gets on his for a little while after school to chill out!  ( i hate that phrase, but it is exactly what my son is doing)!

Feel free to join in or start any converstion you want, the whole idea is to get it all off your chest, with people that understand

puffin x

Hi there!

 Sorry i have not been on line for a few days, Have busy entertaining my son in the holidays.  We have a list!  done fossil hunting, a castle tomorrow and bowling monday !  Couldn't afford the holiday this time, so feeling a bit guilty, hence the list.

With regards me being a recluse, its not really by choice.  We have moved so much and so far each move any friends i have made  i have been forced to leave behind . Started out in London ,Suffolk, France, Wales and now Scotland, any friends i had unfortunatly cannnot now nip round for tea!  I get on with everyone and hate confrontation.  I just now, the last two years with discovering more about my son and husbands Aspergers find i have hid myself away, i do not want to disclose their condition to friends as the small community is so small everyone would know.  My husband hides his condition well and he would not want to make collegues  aware.  With my son i have a need to know basis and at the moment only the school and his best friends mum need to know.  I think things could be difficult for him if i make it common knowledge, he does not want to be treated differently.  I am not convinced the other mums would fully understand. 

I dont have food aversions nor my husband but our son does unfortunatly, only two or three protein based foods.  Loves all fruit thankfully, but it can be quite difficult  to get him to try new foods . 

The easter egg hunt went well, he burnt off a few calories searching for them, think he probably ate more than he used up in the end though!

Hope all is well with you.  My mother in law arrived for the week yesterday, a last minute trip, descriptions and explanations of Aspergers traits at the ready !  Has freed me up long enough to get to write this to you though.

Take care,

Puffin x

Hellooo everybody,

Im new to this site,

I'm raising funds for National Autistic Society by doing a skydive, and I'd really appreciate your support.
My Goal is to get £325 by the 8th April 2013. The official charity number is 269425
Anything from £1 upwards would be great!!
If you would like to donate please click on the link.

My cousin is austisic and i really want to help and raise as much money as possible i will be doing the jump on saturday the 13th April at Black Knights Parachute Centre Lancaster waaaa not long wish me luck

You can make a donation via my page:
www.justgiving.com/emma-larkman

I really think it would be great if partners could have their own section in the forum. It seems a real flaw for the forum not to have a specific section for partners......come on NAS....

This thread for forum suggestions has become a bit buried:

http://community.autism.org.uk/comment/14547#comment-14547

Hilary - Welcome on board. Please come and join us. I set up this thread for everyone who was/is struggling with partners who have ASC [both diagnosed and undiagnosed].

Its awful isn't it, that the autism traits manifest themselves like this? [uncaring, thoughtless and selfish] I too thought we were at the end of the road, but with a little effort from my partner and a little tolerance from me, things have improved a lot. I am now hoping that we can get back on track. We have been having counselling.

I am not sure how much you have read, but it is very common for AS people to fixate on a particular interest. I have a feeling I have read that computer games are a common one. My partner is obsessed with cricket and always has his nose in a sudoku book [now that I know is common because of the numbers thing]. Our little boy is starting to have a bit of a thing about counting too.

We are all here to support each other. Hope to speak to you again soon. Love Rosemary xxx