Newly diagnosed adult now feeling lost

Hi Lee

Sorry you’re struggling. From what I have heard lots of times on here is that it very often is like this for a while post diagnosis. Do you think masking would have been sustainable knowing something wasn’t quite right but before diagnosis? Maybe now this may help you mask less and at least that will reduce how fatigued it can make you feel. I know you kind of have no choice but stick with it and try and be good to yourself and hopefully you find some sort of balance. 

Take care of yourself and just know you can always chat on here

Since it has been made official and I've made efforts to disclose to a few people close, I haven't had a single positive conversation and now I'm feeling more isolated and depressed than ever. 

I'm already regretting bothering with the official diagnosis.

I can't accept it (feel like a fraud) and feel as though others accept it even less. 

Trying to inform people and be aware of when I don't usually tell people anything, to share how I was feeling in the moments has only made everything harder and I feel less accepted. 

Today I am off work and home alone drowning in my own brain and can't now talk to anyone close to me after uncomfortable conversations around disclose.

One friend has a new girlfriend and randomly told me he expects me to be respectful, I think I am very respectful and use manners at all times, barely ever avoid doing anything regardless of how I know I'll feel to benefit others, and from nowhere he made a fuss about being respectful, and the only example he had was I asked his son to stop tapping, once, in a restaurant when the families went out together. 

I am 14 months into to my diagnosis. I’m ok with it and tell who I need to. All my good friends and family have been v supportive. The ones who aren’t either need time or were never good friends.

Work has been a roller coaster, I have had difficulty getting reasonable adjustments implements as one day I wasn’t and the next day I was. Although I had informed them  I was going through diagnosis. I just don’t think they believed me!  But I had had a few difficulties over the years and it was getting harder to mask the traits. It’s all being worked through and I’m am confident it will get sorted.

There is still so much ignorance around about austism especially with women. The more people who do tell others the better it is for the community. 

I now run an Adult Autism Group in Bristol for talk through things. You are other are welcome 

Hey Lee

I am undiagnosed but I’ve been around plenty long enough to know I’m massively different to the Nt community. My son is autistic and he is a carbon copy of myself. I think making people aware of your neurodivergence is an incredibly brave thing to do personally. As well as that I think total acceptance will only come with us spreading the word and educating the typical population. I have had some time to process my life and I’m 49 now so had a bit to go at, this firstly caused me to grieve and then I was stuck in such a dark place I couldn’t figure out what to do. I have been on here since and can only say it’s been a lifeline for me to be able to connect with the community here. 
I have bad day/weeks but I also have ok days and have dedicated a lot of my time researching neurodivergence and have become obsessed. I’m starting my journey for an assessment but I already know the answer, I just need to uncover who I am. 
I would say take it slow and be proud of who you are, I mean who can say they have given 39 years of their life to fit into society. 
Try and read Untypical by Pete Wharmby, I have the audible version and it’s narrated by Pete himself. It’s very informative and easy to take in, I connected with him so much. I now watch all his stuff on YouTube as well. 
I hope you find your answers soon. 

To have the support of your area manager as well as a trusted colleague is great news Lee.
Maybe that's something that I should have sought (having a buddy / mentor at work), whereas the only adjustments that I thought I needed was reduced hours (7.5 down to 6 per day) and maintaining the existing reporting structure. If I had asked for more support, I might not be leaving my job at the end of the week.

Anyway, its great to hear that progress that you're making - even at this early stage.
You'll no doubt have bumps in the road, but take it day by day. Sometimes it can be a case of taking it hour by hour.

All the best

I have only told people who need to know or those I'm most comfortable with. This goes for all areas of my life. You don't need to rush anything. A lot of people dont know what to do with the information because they don't want to say the wrong thing or don't understand it. It takes time to integrate it into your life. It's easier to tell people once you really understand how being autistic affects you because then you can say what you need. I also state things without specifically telling someone I'm autistic. (Its a bit loud here / I've got an overactive brain / sorry I wasn't paying attention). It takes time. 

Also, look up monotropism. This helps frame the never ending washing machine that is an autistic brain.

Thank you guys. 

I do feel comfort knowing that others have been and are in the same place I am.

It's unfortunate for us all that this is an expected and required stage to pass through, but it's better knowing it's not just a me thing.

I disclosed to my area manager yesterday and I was greeted at first with, yeah I have thought you might be, and, I think I'm a bit autistic, before she was eventually helpful and agreed to to share or rush who may know or need to know. 

I have a letter of recommended reasonable adjustments, which includes a support person in work. I've chosen the person and had already disclosed to her immediately afterwards. She knew in advance of my troubles and the eventual assessment arriving.

For now, I'm still going backwards and forward, but it didn't consume all of my thoughts today and I was able to about my work as usual, which is a step back towards normality. It has now taken a week to get the first day where it hasn't left me in a spin with feeling like a fraud and a liar.

I'm in a similar boat - 35, job, Wife, recent diagnosis.

In regards to the work side of things, I was quite lucky as I'm the second person in the company with a diagnosis as an adult so the path was already trodden, so to speak. My manager was very supportive, but I asked him to keep it quiet for the time being, especially from HR. Although well-meaning, the HR staff where I work are a bit "Awww, are you OK?" and I think my reply would land me a disciplinary! I'm still figuring things out and don't need that kind of fuss.

So far, what's worked for me is to tell people on a need-to-know basis. Like you, I didn't pursue a diagnosis to use it as an excuse for anything - I wanted to know what I was dealing with so I could begin to learn how to deal with life better. I don't see my ASD as an identity, nor am I ashamed of it, but if I'm going to be working with someone I like to let them know about it upfront so they don't get bamboozled when they witness my "quirks"!

Good luck with everything

Post diagnosis is quite the rollercoaster.  Relief that you can forgive some of the ;issues' that caused you to think poorly of yourself, happiness that you found the real you, grief for the life that was stolen from you, anxiety for the difficulties in you life that are now blatanely obvious and ever present, and maybe sadness that people are not able to deal with the real you. ... I could go on.  

I hope yu are doing OK. please give it time, and if you can find therapy or a group, please do. ... or try and find someone on here who you can feel comfortable discussing things with ...

I feel the same I am a 42 year old female I got my diagnosis in January 2024.

I was happy when I got it but that happy feeling soon change to sadness and anxiety and not knowing who I am and where I fit in the world

I told my boss at work and I wish I hadn't as the look I got was not nice.

Is this normal and do other people feel the same after diagnosis?

I feel the same as you Lee I am 42 year old female I got my official diagnosis in jaunty 2024 and struggling with it.

At first I was happy but that changed to anxiety and not wanting to acknowledge I am autistic.

I told my boss at work and I wish I hadn't now with the look at got of him. Since then I have not told anyone

Is this how other people felt after diagnosis 

I've needed to take a lot of time off sick over the past 2-3 years due to various health conditions - ASD being only one piece of the puzzle.

It got to the point where my employer was struggling to schedule projects and stuff because they didnt know if I'd be working the next day, whether I'd be off for a single day, several days, several months.

So, to avoid further complications (on both sides), we have mutually agreed that I will leave at the end of this week. Really sucks, I feel **** about it, but at least they aren't just kicking me out and that there is token support in the agreement.

on my first day of handing in my diagnosis to my manager he said so what exactly does it mean. i said yesterday i was an A***hole but today I'm just special.

I have actually learnt alot from the philosophy behind the PRIDE movement. This is me i don't care what you think and if there is a problem its you and not me.

There are people who have always known you liked you loved you etc and these people will not care in the slightest. There will be some who perhaps have kept you in the peripheral circle due you you being a 'weird' but generally an ok bloke. These people are likely to draw you in closer now they can 'understand' why you are like you are.

There will be people especially at work who will brick it that you are now likely covered by the equalities act. I highly recommend the two part documentary on iplayer by Chris Packam about autism. There are also some other good things out there.

1. Only apologies if you have been misunderstood and caused upset. Do no apologies for being you.

2. Your wife married you for who you are. That hasn't changed, you are still you, all of those weird things we do say and collect she accepted, she should be the first person you go to with your feelings as she wouldn't want you to be scared or upset and she isn't likely bothered by your behaviour.

3. Don't let the norms get you down!

How have they stopped supporting you?

The diagnosis brings with it quite a rollercoaster of emotion. grief, stress ... all sorts.  It is common.  Time ... and if you can afford it, therapy.

Hi Lee

I think that most of us struggle with the immediate aftermath of a positive diagnosis - no matter how much we were expecting or how much research that we had done prior.

You can expect a bit of a rollercoaster of emotions in the days and weeks after receiving your diagnosis.
There is no rush or need to make knee jerk decisions - take your time.

As far as disclosure is concerned, I have always been an advocate of being open and honest with people close to me as well as work colleagues. Having said that, I am not so sure now for a couple of reasons.

1. I have a very very small circle of friends. Well, 2 guys in fact and whilst I appreciate the everyone (even NTs) have a lot going on and hassles to deal with, it does seem a bit more lonely for me recently.
   
   
2. My work have been supportive for a couple of years. I informed my manager & HR that I suspected that I was autistic and kept them up to date. Unfortunately, it seems that the company are no longer able / willing to support me going forward and for that reason, this is my last week of working.

However, I'm still leaning towards disclosure to the people that you interact with on a regular basis (family, friends, colleagues). It's not about having an excuse or getting sympathy. Instead, its about helping people understand the real [unmasked] you and hopefully they will accept and support the real you going forward.

One thing for sure is that you really start to understand who your real friends are!

I hope that this gives you some help / direction, and I wish you the absolute very best with your diagnosis.