Published on 12, July, 2020
I am a 39 year old Male, newly diagnosed and struggling with the official diagnosis and looking for support and to sharing stories with others.
I have long thought that I was autistic and have after years of waiting, had a a formal diagnosis, but this has turned up all manner of feelings which I didn't expect.
I always thought this would bring validation, but now I feel lost and like I have wronged everyone and should be apologizing to everyone. I also don't want to disclose to anyone, but the only thing I can think of during every conversation is that I have autism and to tell the person.
I have a job and a wife and have read so many things in this last weeks, but I am struggling with being my old self, let alone unmasking.
Does anyone have advice as to how they have managed after a diagnosis and disclosure to people.
I'm most anxious about disclosures to work and controlling who knows.
I don't want an excuse, or people talking about it, pointing it out, pandering to me or giving sympathy, asking me to take a break, any of it.
Since it has been made official and I've made efforts to disclose to a few people close, I haven't had a single positive conversation and now I'm feeling more isolated and depressed than ever.
I'm already regretting bothering with the official diagnosis.
I can't accept it (feel like a fraud) and feel as though others accept it even less.
Trying to inform people and be aware of when I don't usually tell people anything, to share how I was feeling in the moments has only made everything harder and I feel less accepted.
Today I am off work and home alone drowning in my own brain and can't now talk to anyone close to me after uncomfortable conversations around disclose.
One friend has a new girlfriend and randomly told me he expects me to be respectful, I think I am very respectful and use manners at all times, barely ever avoid doing anything regardless of how I know I'll feel to benefit others, and from nowhere he made a fuss about being respectful, and the only example he had was I asked his son to stop tapping, once, in a restaurant when the families went out together.
Hi Lee
Sorry you’re struggling. From what I have heard lots of times on here is that it very often is like this for a while post diagnosis. Do you think masking would have been sustainable knowing something wasn’t quite right but before diagnosis? Maybe now this may help you mask less and at least that will reduce how fatigued it can make you feel. I know you kind of have no choice but stick with it and try and be good to yourself and hopefully you find some sort of balance.
Take care of yourself and just know you can always chat on here