Am I the only one, or does this sound like you sometimes?

Thanks NAS88629,

And it was a pleasure explore these things with someone.

Maria (formerly NAS88629) said:

do *you* feel as if you're interesting or could be fun in some way to be around if people gave you a chance?

I really don't know. I know some elderly people I meet for games and so. They like me, or that's what I like to think. I know a few people who studied with me and worked with me, but I am close to none of them. I like to say I befriended some people, but after a few interactions, we get estranged? They stop contacting me and that's it. I feel like I did something wrong, but I have no way of knowing. 

I myself don't find me interesting. I don't know what I am expecting from people. Its funny how much I know about biology and DNA and natural history from way back to 4.5 billion years ago, but I haven't figured out myself.

Maria (formerly NAS88629) said:

If you don't do that or don't party, you're automatically boring.

That thought has came across my mind on several occasions. I don't drink either. And I don't know what to do at parties. I can talk to people individually, But the moment a third person step in, I disappear. I am  practically invisible in party situations

I don't like sharing my 'you know what' with others. Primarily because they won't understand. I have tried to explain but it feels like they are not hearing what I am saying and I feel bad for explaining. And, honestly I don't think people understand what autism really is. I am not a human calculator. I am not The Rain Man(it's not even the right disorder). I hate people treating me delicately. So I don't speak of it. Just avoid anybody's attention.

It puts myself in a conundrum. People need to really understand me to find me not weird enough to get closer me, and I need a lot of trust and time for opening up to someone.( I have seriously low self esteem).

I love dancing to Dancing Queen alone in the kitchen while cooking( I am not good at dancing.). Beatles songs have these unusual rhythms which is so fascinating and mesmerizing. I find that in Led Zeppelin, Queen, or Bowie, or Tame Impala.

Welcome 88629, I am Number.

Congratulations on finding your people.  You and I are kin.

Cousins perhaps, but from the same truth.

I fear that many of us fail to realise "what the hell it is all about" in time, and they wither on the vine or worse.

Survives of the enlightenment battle we are.

I hope you will enjoy meeting more in our diverse (but fundementally core) family.

It is my pleasure to make your acquaintance.

Number.

Maria (formerly NAS88629) said:

It has raised the old question again about whether I should get formally diagnosed, which I know many of you have pondered. I am seen as a leader in some ways in my community because of the work I do. If I were diagnosed finally, if I chose to "come out," I could see that as being a major part of the work I do with my workshops and other professional endeavors. But at the same time, I don't know if I want anyone knowing that about me. People judge. I don't know if I want a label in people's minds. Maybe it's my own business.

If you are diagnosed or decide to self identify it doesn't mean you have to tell anyone, unless you want to share. It is very much your own business.

Eventually, as more autistic people are brave enough to be open, I hope that society will become more understanding and accepting, rather than seeing it as a label and having so many misconceptions about autism.

Maria (formerly NAS88629) said:

And what if I don't have autism...my dad and his dad (my grandpa) have autism. My mom has a personality disorder, OCD, and other things. I may have just learned these behaviors. The one thing that makes me think that maybe I don't have autism is that I don't have trouble anymore reading people's emotions. I've worked hard at that and am pretty good at it.

The evidence of familial links is strong. The fact that you have autism in your family seems a strong indicator. 

Have you considered that your mum may be undiagnosed autistic too. Back when we were growing up in the 1970s autism was usually thought to only affect boys. Right up to recent times autistic females have been more likely to be misdiagnosed with personality disorders or simply labelled as anxious. My mum was diagnosed with a personality disorder years before I was born. I'm sure that was wrong and it was actually undiagnosed autism.

It is possible to learn how to read faces and body language. A while back one of those 'guess the emotion from the eyes' tests was posted on here. I was surprised how high I scored. Some autistic people have hyper empathy, in that they pick up on others emotions very strongly.

I'm so sorry about your cat. I understand how intensely you feel about her. I am on my 4th cat and it doesn't get any easier when the end comes, but neither can I bear to be catless. You are not alone in feeling so strongly about a cat, even if most people don't.

You could try emailing the mod team at communitymanager@nas.org.uk

I dont receive most notifications and the ones I do have switched on never come through.

I've fallen foul of the automated spam filter a lot over the past few weeks and I agree it is frustrating. It's not as if quoting multiple pieces of text is typical behaviour of the spammers we get on this forum.

You should have received an email with a link to an appeal form. If not it will be in your notifications on the top right. Submit that and the post should appear within a day or two. However being a bank holiday weekend I guess it might take longer for the mods to look at them.

I've just typed a massive reply which was carefully thought out. I quoted several pieces of your text to reply to and the post hasnt appeared. I think because I've over quoted,

I'm getting increasingly frustrated with the moderation on this forum and I've tried to tag a mod into this comment but I can't.  If anyone can help that would be great. People come on here to engage in discussion and asking for help which we try to do, but the NAS systems sometimes don't enable this because of stupid filters.

Sorry but I'm not typing it all out again.

Maria (formerly NAS88629) said:

I *loved* certain aspects of lock down (yes, I do feel bad for those of us who suffered because of it, financially--I did too--or otherwise). I felt (and still feel) sad when everything got back to "normal" because during lockdown

Exactly this and I honestly felt I was the only one in the world who felt like this. Mental health stuff at the time talked about anxiety over catching the virus,  not anxiety over a return to modern life.

Maria (formerly NAS88629) said:

then suddenly when it was lifted, they were all trashing that lifestyle and leaving it behind happily in an instant

Yes but also as more people retreated to nature in lockdown, I found a lot more litter in the places I frequent. I was kind of happy that the "masses" had buggered back off after lockdown.

Maria (formerly NAS88629) said:

mini breakdown

This might be burnout.

Maria (formerly NAS88629) said:

I'm tough and rarely show struggle

Autistic people are far more resilient than they give themselves credit for.

Maria (formerly NAS88629) said:

don't have trouble anymore reading people's emotions. I've worked hard at that and am pretty good at it

You said you "worked hard at it" which indicates it might be learned behaviour....I can relate to being able to read emotions well (sometimes too well but sometimes missing the mark) and I think a lot of it is observed learning. 

For a lot of people, self realisation is enough. Seeking out others who are similar also helps massively to know you are not a weirdo. If you did get a diagnosis you don't have to tell anyone. 

I've never had a pair of heels. Some colleagues tried to "Gok Wan" me once (their words), bringing in a pair of heels. I laughed and smiled along when really I should've told them in good humour to *** off. 

I don't have any interest in make up but I do wear it. I can't think of anything worse than a mani or pedicure.  What a waste of time. 

Autonomistic said:

You never see me in heels or dresses either. With dyspraxia I have enough trouble balancing myself to walk in sensible flat footwear. I very much doubt I could walk in heels without ending up in A&E!

This made me laugh - because it is 100% me too! Give me flat, flat shoes and totally even ground and I'll probably still trip! 

Hi, many autistic people found lockdown to be the perfect world, it was quiet and no social interaction, the world had become autism friendly. I am aware a lot of people suffered and much worse.

You have family members with autism so it is more likely you are autistic, as for getting a diagnosis it’s different for everyone. For me my brain requires definite answers, impostor syndrome sets in sometimes but then I think about my life and remember I’ve been different to others since childhood. I’m still currently on the waiting list but not too much longer to wait now, for me a positive diagnosis will bring validation. 

It was when lockdown was lifted that I struggled massively, it was only by chance I caught a radio program on autism and then finally the “ lightbulb moment.”  I haven’t just been depressed, anxious and felt like an alien since childhood, I’ve been autistic.

You mentioned feeling you are in a mini breakdown, after looking further into autism my life just changed, I lost interest in everything and became just different, constantly tired and thoughts about any and everything.

I now realise that 54 years of masking, trying to look and act normal had led to an autistic burnout, processing 54 years of life was too much, many of the situations I had been in had gone epically wrong, I now realise that it wasn’t my fault, they were situations that weren’t suitable for me, being told I’m a fussy eater wasn’t true, they are food intolerances, not liking to be touched doesn’t make me strange or an uncaring person. To be honest the burnout lasted for over a year.
Wether you decide to “ come out “ is entirely your choice. I did tell two people about why I believe I’m autistic and both just said,” I thought you was.”  They then owned up to being neurodiverse, it’s quite strange, I just normally know when I’m in the company of another autistic person. Some people are very receptive of autism and some will never understand. I’ve lost contact with some people but they were only work related acquaintances. Quite a few autistic people prefer animals to humans. I’m sorry you are struggling with your cat at the moment, they aren’t just animals, they are our companions and never judge us.

You have obviously thought about a diagnosis quite a lot, for me finally going to my GP was the best thing I’ve ever done for me, from memory I just had verbal diarrhoea for about 15 minutes, he was trying to type as fast as I was talking, he gave up in the end. Hearing a professional say “ I think you are autistic and I’m going to refer you “ was really strange, I don’t cry but I sat in my car afterwards and couldn’t stop crying. That was nearly 2 years ago, I now feel mentally ready.

My advice for what it’s worth is go for it, if negative then you’ve lost nothing, if positive you will finally know and not feel guilty for being different. Take care.

Hello there, 

Apart from the part about being in the 50's (I'm in my 30's) I relate to many parts of this list. I'd say I am exactly like 3/4 of the points you make. I don't understand many parts of being a woman eg. the shopping, the fashion, the hair cuts, etc. I am not interested in ever being in a relationship again because being single is *the best*. I'd 9 times out of 10 rather spend time with a dog than the dog's owner. 

Are you interested in getting a formal diagnosis, or are you happy to just self identify? Both are equally valid, I just know I felt some relief when I got my official diagnosis. It felt quite validating. 

Hope to see you posting more about your experience :) 

Ha! I have been up that late and later while caring for my sick kitty...not good, I know. So I probably was online at that time heh ;)

You posted something long at like 1am BST, so I think most people could tell you were in another country or a hardcore insomniac :-P

The only rule for who's allowed to be here is just above a certain age. 

There are members here from various parts of the world, so don't worry about it. 

I've seen many people on here who are American/ not English, so don't feel like you can't stick around! Obviously just be careful about any information given that may only relate to the UK, otherwise you may be disappointed.

Also, I just noticed this is a UK forum. I'm in the US, which you could probably tell. I'm not sure if I'm "allowed" to be here in that case, but I very much appreciate all your responses so far and you've been very helpful.

Thank you, Ann! Yes, the masking stuff...sometimes I feel like such a phony! My jobs are very public, and they require me to be very upbeat, personable, etc. And I *do* like my clients, so I'm not faking that. But when I've been interviewed in the past for my work, I feel like in the interview I'm going way overboard with expression and animation...then I see the interview and I'm basically monotone! So that tells me that I have to be way, way more animated than I'd ever be to be seen as just "normally" expressive. It's exhausting! I feel like I'm jumping around and my face hurts from smiling but in reality, I may even look underwhelmed lol. 

However--I do feel that as a culture we are terribly ungrounded, especially children. I do feel that we need to teach ways to be calm and not so driven to be up up up. In fact, I do teach those kinds of things in workshops for children. 

It's always fascinating how people love those workshops and the work that I do in that regard, yet shun those who bring that grounded quietness into the daily lives of adults. Why is it so cool with kids and then boring and nerdy as adults??

Anyway, thank you for the moral support. I very much appreciate it!

Thanks for responding! I probably should've added that until I was in my 40s, I was very much into what I wore--like you, it wasn't the latest fashion by any means. It was my own thing--radical pink hair, interesting shoes and jewelry, etc. When I got older, I just lost interest in that. And part of that could've been the after math of abusive relationships...I just decided to be comfortable and who cares what others think because I'm finally free....kind of a rebellion and decision to just be comfy.