Am I the only one, or does this sound like you sometimes?

Looks like there are lots of people like us, just spread out and dare I say, misunderstood.

This gets me wondering how many people feel this way in our own towns but don't say anything. I don't think it would be many, not at all. Maybe even just 3 or 4 at most. It would still be nice to see ourselves reflected more in the world in some way.

Maybe with all this talk of "neurodivergence" things will change.

Thanks for responding!

Hi, Sparkly--thanks so much for responding. I live in a place that gets to -20 Fahrenheit in the winter. I am always baffled by how women go to work, do errands, or hit the town in these little coats, super thin gloves, cutesy hats (if they dare wear a hat at all), tight pants with no long johns, and shoes with only nylons and no socks. Every. Single Day. And then they complain about how much they hate winter. Yet...they have friends and families because they fit in and look like everyone else...but they live cold for months and months. 

Here I am in warm, bulky clothes--which is the only reasonable choice when it's that cold--yet *I* am the weirdo that no one wants to be seen with. Makes no sense to me.

I was asked by friends to go out on the town in 2020 (a very rare invitation). It was literally the night before lockdown, so I remember it well. It was -20. Normally I wear ski pants in that weather if I go outside at all. But I tried to fit in and wore jeans with long johns (still much bulkier than everyone else, but no ski pants), slimmer gloves, shorter coat, etc. And all I remember from that night was being cold. I don't remember anything fun.

Idk. Perhaps part of this is that we're more sensitive to cold?? Maybe that's it.

Anyway, thanks for letting me know I'm not alone. This day was looking pretty bleak, but you've added a little sunshine, although I hope with all of this you're doing as well as can be. :) 

Thank you for your reply, Mark. I'm sorry to hear how hard things can be for you. And yet, I can relate...with soooo much of what you've written! Not just the social stuff, but ABBA and the Beatles are my two biggest musical influences lol. Must be something about that music...

It's interesting to me that so many of us share so many things in common, yet we're invisible in the larger world. I understand that it's a "ratio" kind of thing...We're all meeting here in this group with a common element, yet in the real world we're all spread out.

Still, I wish there were more people who understood us/were like us in real life.

I'm curious--do *you* feel as if you're interesting or could be fun in some way to be around if people gave you a chance? People in my area go out drinking a lot--it's the main form of entertainment, even into one's 50s. If you don't do that or don't party, you're automatically boring.

So people have pre-judged me because I'm not in that lifestyle. And on rare occasions when I do spend time with people, sometimes they still think I'm boring because all they want to talk about is shopping, beer, mani pedis, husbands, kids, etc....but sometimes they are surprised and say stuff like how fun I actually was or that I have a great sense of humor. Like, um, thanks?? Once they get to know me, they seem to think I'm not that weird. But it doesn't last long because I'm not in any social groups, so it's hard to keep up. 

It's kind of like...if people would take a moment and make an effort to match our energy/vibe, maybe they'd think we're not so weird and actually ok people. And maybe rather than toss us aside because we'd prefer to hang out maybe once per year at most, they'd still keep in touch but give us space and let us be part of the world more on our terms. But that doesn't happen.

Thanks again, Mark, for your response. I hope things can get a bit sunnier for you.

I relate to a lot of this, yes. Not so much the fashion aspects- I'm very interested in clothes and makeup and I do weird things to my hair, though I wouldn't consider myself to be conventional or even aware of popular trends around it all. It's green hair, tattoos, and Doc Martens for me, not... er... well I can't give an example of what's cool at the moment, because I don't know what it is

I will say though that I do my own nails and go to a hairdresser who doesn't mind me sitting in silence (or banging on about our shared love of horror films) because I'm so fussy about being touched and I find it exhausting to be around other people. So despite the aesthetic differences the behavioural stuff is much the same as a lot of other autistic folks, including yourself. I'd rather be at home with my dog!

Thank you, everyone! I just came back here ready to delete my post because I figured if no one replied, I'd feel even more alone. But now i see that I am not.

And I'm sorry for those who are struggling. While most of us don't seem to need a lot (if any) social interaction, it's still hard not seeing anyone like oneself in the larger culture. And I see that some here are struggling with depression, too. I wish I had solutions.

As much as I hate covid, I *loved* certain aspects of lock down (yes, I do feel bad for those of us who suffered because of it, financially--I did too--or otherwise). I felt (and still feel) sad when everything got back to "normal" because during lockdown, I finally saw myself in the larger culture--people were not going to bars. People were enjoying nature. They were cooking at home, making their own fun, cutting their own hair, wearing whatever clothes they had. And then suddenly when it was lifted, they were all trashing that lifestyle and leaving it behind happily in an instant. I went from feeling like my life was like everyone else's to living the life that everyone hated, once again.

Part of what prompted this mini breakdown with me is that my cat was diagnosed with a chronic (and most likely terminal) disease this summer. She and my dog are my world. She has almost died a number of times, but with 'round the clock care and veterinary intervention, she is still with us. I know it won't be long, and I am not coping well. I am not sleeping or eating enough, and I go nowhere. I can't just go out and "have fun" when she's like this. I want to be with her for the time she has. And it's killing me knowing that she's ill, knowing that she'll be gone, and struggling with finding the best meds, food, etc..

People are being nice about it, but no one understands fully, so I don't go on and on with people. For me, it's like a family member is in hospice care and I am the only caregiver. I imagine this as if it were someone else--like that person is still expected to work, be in public, take care of their own needs, etc....but they're being the nurse 'round the clock with meds, etc. No one would expect that person to be ok if they were being the hospice nurse for a family member. They'd expect them to take time off work. They'd organize "meal trains" and other ways to help. People would check in. People would expect them to cry and struggle and would rally around them.

But not with a pet. They're as nice as they can be and know how to be in our current culture. But no one understands that my pets are my people and this is like being the one hospice worker for my dying family member, in my home. It's *that* hard on me.

I'm tough and rarely show struggle. I'm used to being the "only one who...." and being the weirdo. Whatever. But with her illness, it's just become painfully obvious that there is NO one like me in my world...and a reminder of post-lockdown isolation and hearing people say such awful things about the lifestyle that is mine (not going out, etc.). 

It has raised the old question again about whether I should get formally diagnosed, which I know many of you have pondered. I am seen as a leader in some ways in my community because of the work I do. If I were diagnosed finally, if I chose to "come out," I could see that as being a major part of the work I do with my workshops and other professional endeavors. But at the same time, I don't know if I want anyone knowing that about me. People judge. I don't know if I want a label in people's minds. Maybe it's my own business.

And what if I don't have autism...my dad and his dad (my grandpa) have autism. My mom has a personality disorder, OCD, and other things. I may have just learned these behaviors. The one thing that makes me think that maybe I don't have autism is that I don't have trouble anymore reading people's emotions. I've worked hard at that and am pretty good at it. So...? (I'm not asking for people to help me with that decision...I'm just pondering.)

Anyway, I have read (and will read) all responses and I really appreciate them and hope the best for all of you. I am new to this forum, so I'm still learning about how the forum works. If I don't respond in some way, it's not that I haven't read it; I may be just still getting to understand the way things work here.

Some of these things are like me, some not :) That's the beauty of individuality

Yes I too relate to a lot of the things you have identified.

Any need I do have for social interaction is met by being on here. Even that is too much at times.

What I wear is for function, comfort and warmth.

You never see me in heels or dresses either. With dyspraxia I have enough trouble balancing myself to walk in sensible flat footwear. I very much doubt I could walk in heels without ending up in A&E!

I wear lots of warm clothes in winter. You'll be able to recognise me, as I'm the one wearing the silly hat that keeps my ears warm. Even in summer I'm usually covered up in layers, while everyone else is walking around in skimpy tops and shorts.

I cut my own hair too. I haven't been anywhere near a hairdressers in more than 30 years. I can't stand the noise, the forced small talk, being touched, seeing myself in huge mirrors, etc.

I've never had a mani-pedi and never will.

I very much doubt I'm considered 'cute' by anyone and do not have to fend off any attention. I tried dating in my twenties but decided it wasn't for me and have been happily single ever since.

I prefer to live alone and have done so pretty much all my adult life.

I don't have any pets but I feel much more empathy towards animals than I do people. I cannot bear any animal suffering. I love birds and they would be my pets of choice if I were to have any.

I had to learn to mask in order to get by in the workplace. However it destroyed me in a massive burnout and my career ended prematurely.

I enjoy being alone in nature, hiking and birdwatching. I do not go out to bars or restaurants, as I always hated those kinds of environments when I tried them. 

I imagine people probably think I'm stuck up too. I no longer particularly care what people think.

I do not own a TV either and I like quiet when I'm at home. If I want to watch TV I go to my mums.

There are a few things on your list that I can relate to.

I am not a follower of fashion, as I wear what I like the look of and what I find comfortable.

During my younger years, I wasn't averse to wearing heels. Now, I prefer to wear footwear I find comfortable and can actually walk in. As you say, why suffer?

I don't enjoy feeling cold and never have done. It makes no sense to me when I see women dressed up for a night out, shivering away because it's the middle of winter, and they are walking around in skimpy outfits.

Visits to the hairdresser are not my idea of a relaxing experience. Hence why I invested in some hair clippers some years ago, and prefer to tackle my hair myself.

I have never had a manicure or pedicure either. I also don't wear cosmetics, although I did experiment when I was younger.

Whilst I have visited the likes of restaurants and pubs, I generally find them too noisy and too busy.

Hi, 

Yes, a lot of what you write is relatable. You're not alone, although I totally get that it can seem that way. 

As you can see, there are people here who have  similar perspectives to you, to a greater/lesser extent. 

Hi, I do relate to a lot of your points , especially the wearing of high heels! We are all different flavours and are affected in different ways. Social interaction is my personal hell and I only wear dark blue or black, No fashion labels, normally just Primark. I’m in my 50’s and can mask to a point where no one would notice me on fire inside myself.

Hello Ann :), 

It's very much like me.

Hello NAS88629, 

It is very much like me, too. 

Hi,

I am not sure how I feel about your feeling, but I can see some resemblance. Doctors and other mental health professionals have ensured me that I am autistic. It's not that I don't believe them, I just don't know how to feel about it, and it doesn't seems to do any good in my social interactions ( the realisation) and ironically I am talking to more people now, just they are medical professionals:).

Here is me-

• I wouldn't say I hate social interactions, I am just not really comfortable. My fixations on time, food, sharing, etc. I feel like I don't belong there.
• I have a fixed attire, hasn't changed that in years, may have had some modifications, but never changed anything to look better. My mother doesn't like this and people have told me I'd look better if I spare the coat. I don't care. I am comfortable in this and I am happy.  
• Maria (formerly NAS88629) said:

  You'll never see me in heels or ladies' dress shoes. Why suffer?
I completely agree
• I don't change my clothes with weather. I might ware a pair of glows, if its cold outside.
• I cut my hair myself too. I don't like strangers touching my hair, and I don't trust hair dressers or barbers. It might take a lot of time and I might probably mess it up, but after a week nobody notices.
• Same goes for mani-pedi. 
• No one has ever said that I look cute or handsome except for my mom. And then there are a group of people, elderly, I play board-games and stuffs with. They says I am a handsome gentleman, But I feel like its mostly out of pity.
• I used to feel like I need nobody, and I am better off myself, but now its just me and depression. And it kinda hurts to watch people of my age dating and doing thing for someone out of love. I have nobody, no ones trying to impress me nor there is anyone for me impress. And I wish it was different, but there is pretty much nothing I can do about it.
• I live alone. Sometimes I feel like like I should get a dog, but I can barely afford myself and sometimes I am too depressed to take care of myself, let alone a dog. So no animals.
• I love animals, I like going to the park and feeding squirrels and swans. Growing up I had a pet dogs and cats, but also bunnies, hares, a squirrel, a mongoose, a civet, a turtle, etc. I used to collect pupas an wait for the butterfly to come out. I'd spend hours feeding ants to antlions. Animals don't find me weird (at least I like to think so) and they don't judge me. Above all they stay around.
• I can be anyone you want. I worked as a guide, a cleaner, cook, at call centres, etc. I observe around the first day and just copy others. Realise what all are good and what all are bad. I am never told I am interesting or fun. But I am told on several occasions I am good or even best at what I do. I never loved a job I did. I just do it, because I should and that's all that matter me.
• I don't like eating out, I don't like clubbing, I don't like pubs. I take taking long nature walks, museums, parks and exhibitions. I go to shopping malls for window shopping. Other day I spent 4 hours at John Lewis, and bought nothing.
• People make friends at work. I don't. If they don't talk to me first, we probably work a whole year with out even addressing them once. I remember when 7 of all the other people working at my desk talking and laughing, I was never asked once. I was just there silent. At work or uni, I eat alone. No one invited me, because no one wants me around.
• TV is the only thing keeping me alive at this point. I go to the cinemas, at least 7 times a month. I need it. There is no peaceful music for me. I have metal blasting both my eardrums all the time, mostly to avoid what's around me. But when I am not public I listen to ABBA, or The Beatles, or somethin like that.

This is fun. But I still don't know how it is for you. I hope this might help?

(P.S.: sorry about the long text, I don't do this a lot) 

You are definitely not alone! I can relate to so many of those points! I only wear comfortable clothes, I hate shopping and the last new clothes I got my mum got me. I love nature and any outdoor sports especially hiking though sadly due to injuries I haven’t been able to do this the past years. I also cut my own hair (hate hairdressers and it just seems unnecessary as I can just trim it in 1 min myself). I only ever wear the same pair of trainers and try to get the same again when they break. I also don’t have a TV and have no interest in watching TV. I avoid restaurants. I do have a desire for social interaction but only with the right people and mostly 1 on 1 (i like going on walks with someone or phoning) and I need plenty of alone time too. My friends are likeminded and feel the same so no pressure to socialise regularly if it’s not the right time. I also know how to mask but it can be exhausting. I can relate to a lot of the points so you are not alone!