Am I the only one, or does this sound like you sometimes?

Thank you, everyone! I just came back here ready to delete my post because I figured if no one replied, I'd feel even more alone. But now i see that I am not.

And I'm sorry for those who are struggling. While most of us don't seem to need a lot (if any) social interaction, it's still hard not seeing anyone like oneself in the larger culture. And I see that some here are struggling with depression, too. I wish I had solutions.

As much as I hate covid, I *loved* certain aspects of lock down (yes, I do feel bad for those of us who suffered because of it, financially--I did too--or otherwise). I felt (and still feel) sad when everything got back to "normal" because during lockdown, I finally saw myself in the larger culture--people were not going to bars. People were enjoying nature. They were cooking at home, making their own fun, cutting their own hair, wearing whatever clothes they had. And then suddenly when it was lifted, they were all trashing that lifestyle and leaving it behind happily in an instant. I went from feeling like my life was like everyone else's to living the life that everyone hated, once again.

Part of what prompted this mini breakdown with me is that my cat was diagnosed with a chronic (and most likely terminal) disease this summer. She and my dog are my world. She has almost died a number of times, but with 'round the clock care and veterinary intervention, she is still with us. I know it won't be long, and I am not coping well. I am not sleeping or eating enough, and I go nowhere. I can't just go out and "have fun" when she's like this. I want to be with her for the time she has. And it's killing me knowing that she's ill, knowing that she'll be gone, and struggling with finding the best meds, food, etc..

People are being nice about it, but no one understands fully, so I don't go on and on with people. For me, it's like a family member is in hospice care and I am the only caregiver. I imagine this as if it were someone else--like that person is still expected to work, be in public, take care of their own needs, etc....but they're being the nurse 'round the clock with meds, etc. No one would expect that person to be ok if they were being the hospice nurse for a family member. They'd expect them to take time off work. They'd organize "meal trains" and other ways to help. People would check in. People would expect them to cry and struggle and would rally around them.

But not with a pet. They're as nice as they can be and know how to be in our current culture. But no one understands that my pets are my people and this is like being the one hospice worker for my dying family member, in my home. It's *that* hard on me.

I'm tough and rarely show struggle. I'm used to being the "only one who...." and being the weirdo. Whatever. But with her illness, it's just become painfully obvious that there is NO one like me in my world...and a reminder of post-lockdown isolation and hearing people say such awful things about the lifestyle that is mine (not going out, etc.). 

It has raised the old question again about whether I should get formally diagnosed, which I know many of you have pondered. I am seen as a leader in some ways in my community because of the work I do. If I were diagnosed finally, if I chose to "come out," I could see that as being a major part of the work I do with my workshops and other professional endeavors. But at the same time, I don't know if I want anyone knowing that about me. People judge. I don't know if I want a label in people's minds. Maybe it's my own business.

And what if I don't have autism...my dad and his dad (my grandpa) have autism. My mom has a personality disorder, OCD, and other things. I may have just learned these behaviors. The one thing that makes me think that maybe I don't have autism is that I don't have trouble anymore reading people's emotions. I've worked hard at that and am pretty good at it. So...? (I'm not asking for people to help me with that decision...I'm just pondering.)

Anyway, I have read (and will read) all responses and I really appreciate them and hope the best for all of you. I am new to this forum, so I'm still learning about how the forum works. If I don't respond in some way, it's not that I haven't read it; I may be just still getting to understand the way things work here.

I'm so sorry about your cat. I understand how intensely you feel about her. I am on my 4th cat and it doesn't get any easier when the end comes, but neither can I bear to be catless. You are not alone in feeling so strongly about a cat, even if most people don't.

I'm so sorry about your cat. I understand how intensely you feel about her. I am on my 4th cat and it doesn't get any easier when the end comes, but neither can I bear to be catless. You are not alone in feeling so strongly about a cat, even if most people don't.

Thank you. It never, ever gets easier. And I still get overcome with sadness about ones I lost even decades ago, just as if they were people. Her treatments have cost me over $4000 (credit card) and we are just barely entering the care required.

And I am lower income because I chose to run a small business in a field that isn't high pay. I've tried working in professional positions that I'm qualified for; I could be making lots and lots of money, but I become sick and unable to function in a regular workplace. I need to be self employed and the sole employee.

But that means my income will be lower. It's a trade off--I can live like a monk and be "happy," or I can become unable to function and ultimately be forced to quit/get fired at a "real" job in a decent-paying career.

Of course when something like this happens (unplanned expense), it makes what's already hard even harder. Her diagnosis and decline is hard enough, but knowing that I'm even further in debt now is the extra gut punch I don't need. 

I make less than a third of most people around me, so that makes my frugal lifestyle very hard for them to understand...and all of that makes me even more of a weirdo--old house that needs work (here people live in nice places and there isn't as much poverty as other places), never go out/can't afford to, never leave town/can't afford to, don't buy anything, have no TV, etc.

Anyway, thanks for letting me know I'm not the only one when it comes to kitties.