Am I the only one, or does this sound like you sometimes?

Groovy.....I'm glad this place is panning out for you.

For what it's worth, I don't really think there is value in pursing a "formal" diagnosis for myself.  It turns out that my bizarre and unusual life has already been unknowingly crafted to accommodate my autistic sensibilities.  Moreover, I strongly suspect that my second-nature masking default would make the job of saying YES or NO to whether I am autistic, a bit of a coin toss!  I don't feel the need at this point.....I know there are people I feel comfortable and engaged with.....and they are here.  These people, and the chats we enjoy together are making my life happier and more fulfilled....and to some extent, easier.

Brit's ain't so bad, eh gov'ner !

Pleased to have you here.

And that sounded like a goodbye, which it isn't, lol, because I plan to stick around in this forum. I really like it here. 

Number, that makes me feel much better. Thank you for the validation. It's weird thinking both that it's totally ok to be like I am AND there's something really wrong with being like I am.

I have made much progress in seeing that preferring to socialize once per year at most is just as "normal" as someone who likes to be social daily, weekly, etc. It's normal--to me.  And everyone has their own "normal." People are starting to make room in their minds for neurodiversity, so I can, too. Normal doesn't mean just one thing anymore.

For my job I'm constantly around people and I have to be very sunny and upbeat. I don't mind the sunny upbeat stuff because I am pretty happy in general, especially with my work. I love what I do. But it's so hard for people to understand that other than that, I don't want any more "people time, " no offense to anyone.

I just called around to find out about screening in my town and found out that the one private place that does is booked a year out for adult autism screening and that it costs well over $1000, closer to $4000.

I called my insurance and it would not kick in payment until after my $1500 deductible, and that's only if I go through their process of booking with my general practitioner who would then have to refer me to their psych services. They are booked into next year and cancellations to make room for people in crisis is very common. Apparently the average wait is 2 years. And the cost, with insurance, would be a minimum of $1500 and usually closer to $3000.

One very nice person I spoke to (who said he is a licensed counselor) said that of course I need to do what I feel I need to do. But if it's just for peace of mind and I don't want/need other services, I should know that it will be a long, long wait and very expensive just to know what I already think I know.

He asked me a bunch of questions about me and how I experience life and asked if I'd like to know his quick opinion based on our phone call--nothing official. I didn't realize he was secretly screening me with his questions lol, so I was unbiased and honest in my responses.

I said yes, I'd like to know, and he told me that he feels certain that an evaluation would yield an autism diagnosis.

So he said if it's just for my personal quest and if I don't want additional services or to be listed as having a disability with the state, I could just take his opinion for what it's worth (he was clear that he wasn't officially diagnosing, but predicting the likely outcome) and carry on however I'd like.

But if I really want that official diagnosis, he gave me some phone numbers. I did call around and that's when I learned about years-long wait lists and thousands of dollars--and that very few people do that if they aren't needing some kind of disability support because that's why people generally pursue such a long and expensive process.

So I will just carry on and make it "official" within myself.

This group has been invaluable.  Thank you! 

Maria (formerly NAS88629) said:

my little store run is the "social" highlight of my day or even week. I don't even see anyone or talk to anyone there

AND

Maria (formerly NAS88629) said:

Like...no one does that

.....for prolonged periods of my life, within the last couple of decades, what you have written has been my reality.....and frankly, I see nothing wrong with it !  Just being able to be out and around other humans is the only "chore" that we should ever face in my opinion.

You are so not alone.

Hi, Caelus! Cats are great. I have old furniture that others were about to discard--and I do that specifically because animals do scratch or get hair--so I have no worries about that lol. But they are fabulous company and so fun to watch and play with. Highly recommended!

I can see how gaming would be a great way to escape, yet also depressing at a point. I am not in a generation that does gaming, although I once dated a younger person who was a gamer and I tried really, really hard to like it. I just couldn't get into it, which is ok. I can see it filling a void for those who like it. I have nothing bad to say about it...just personal preference. It's cool if people love it.

When it's time to go to Target or whatever, that's my big outing and sometimes I feel really bad about myself when I realize that my little store run is the "social" highlight of my day or even week. I don't even see anyone or talk to anyone there, and I may just be picking up a few boring groceries. But it can be this big pick me up, which often makes me feel worse. Like...no one does that. Most people get together with other people on purpose somewhere fun for that. Here I am alone at Target thinking this is fun. I know that's not "normal" and just knowing that is tough.

Even if I wanted to get together with people, I don't know how people do that. My house is not comfortable for others (no comfy furniture...like one chair), no TV, it's old, the floor is half ripped up because I started replacing it and haven't had a chance to fix it yet. I invited people here a few times in the past, and it was so weird. I had to get folding chairs, and I put them in a circle in my living room, turned on some peaceful music...everyone just sat there trying to be nice. l have no idea how to "have people over." And I'm in my 50s, not just starting out in life. 

If I wanted to have one person over (I don't), it would be weird to suddenly ask someone if they wanted to come over. And where I live, people like me in some ways eventually move away; people are politically very much one way and others are not welcome. So my pool of potential like-minded people is very small. And as soon as you get to know them, they make the announcement that they're moving.

That happens all the time here and more times with people who were actual friends than I can count. So I don't bother anymore. In fact, there will be people who I think I should get to know and really consider asking them to do something. And then inevitably they move and I end up thinking it was a *good* thing that I didn't get to know them. 

And go to people's houses? Whose? I don't drink, so I'm not invited to people's get togethers. (Those are rhetorical questions.)

It's a weird existence.

Thanks so much for your response. Good luck if you get a kitty.

Thank you. It never, ever gets easier. And I still get overcome with sadness about ones I lost even decades ago, just as if they were people. Her treatments have cost me over $4000 (credit card) and we are just barely entering the care required.

And I am lower income because I chose to run a small business in a field that isn't high pay. I've tried working in professional positions that I'm qualified for; I could be making lots and lots of money, but I become sick and unable to function in a regular workplace. I need to be self employed and the sole employee.

But that means my income will be lower. It's a trade off--I can live like a monk and be "happy," or I can become unable to function and ultimately be forced to quit/get fired at a "real" job in a decent-paying career.

Of course when something like this happens (unplanned expense), it makes what's already hard even harder. Her diagnosis and decline is hard enough, but knowing that I'm even further in debt now is the extra gut punch I don't need. 

I make less than a third of most people around me, so that makes my frugal lifestyle very hard for them to understand...and all of that makes me even more of a weirdo--old house that needs work (here people live in nice places and there isn't as much poverty as other places), never go out/can't afford to, never leave town/can't afford to, don't buy anything, have no TV, etc.

Anyway, thanks for letting me know I'm not the only one when it comes to kitties.

Thank you, out of step! I relate the disappointment in the litter at nature sites. I remember going to a place that no one goes to normally (sacred Native American historic site)...drove the 15 minutes to get there, and there were almost 50 people noisily wondering and leaving trash. The only thing I liked about the lockdown ending was that "my" places were once again empty or free from the temporary visitors who really had no respect for the places.

You may have seen my comments on others' replies, but I don't like that my state requires by law that anyone diagnosed with autism must be reported to the state health department to be entered into a database. And through work, I know many people who work in that department...it's a "small town" kind of place (rural), so diagnosis will not be completely confidential in that regard.

So in addition to the expense and scarcity of agencies that work with diagnosing adults, the lack of confidentiality (and near impossibility of removing my name from a list of disabilities/autistic individuals if I should ever contest the diagnosis for whatever reason), I very much hesitate. It would be "nice" to know, but t here are a lot of cons to the process. That's why I ultimately don't pursue it every time things get rough and I think about it.

Thanks for your thoughtful response.

Many a time I've said hello to dogs and not their walkers.

it sounds like me as you will never see me in ladys shoes either lol

as for social interaction, im mixed on it... alone i get depressed and lonely and feel i want social interaction that others have, i feel left out. but when i get social interaction its too hard and then i think sod it and i wanna be alone. so its catch 22, both ways is a downside.

i usually wear the same thing, and any extra clothes are the same anyway, usually outdoors clothes that can take you wearing them none stop that are odor proof and quick drying.

i dont really go anywhere aside work and shops. but when i walk through town and hear everyone having fun at the busy bars it makes me feel a bit happier i suppose. likely the social interaction i probably need as a human that i dont get.

and yeah i own a tv, and a games console... thats a must have these days so that maybe a generational thing. life without gaming is kinda depressing and pointless. although gaming can get depressing, likely when it gets faded out and boring and not much new to play then your left with facing depressing life as your escapism dims a bit between games.

as for dating i dunno i think id like to give it a chance but i know it will never happen. another thing i will be eternally missing out on. it may end up good it may end up bad, i dont know as i have never tried or been given chance.

i kinda want a cat in the future anyways, that maybe a improvement on my mood. cats are cute. just dont want it destroying my furniture lol

Thank you, Autumn Trees! So true about the dog vs people...in fact, there have been many occasions where I'll run into someone I know and they'll be with out their dog. I'll get down to hang out with the dog at dog level and eventually I can tell I've done that too long without really talking to the person...weirdo me lol.

Well, I'm not sure if you've seen my other comments about diagnosis, but in my state if a person is diagnosed, there is mandating reporting. My name would then be entered into a state health department database!! Sure, it's supposed to be confidential, but I know people who work in the health department. So it's not totally confidential. Not to mention that if, for whatever reason, I feel it was a misdiagnosis, it's basically impossible to get removed from The List. 

So in addition to expense and difficulty finding an agency in my town that works with adults (closest is 200 miles away), I don't like the reporting thing.

Thanks again for your response...lots for me to think about.

Thank you! Well, one big hurdle is that in my state, anyone diagnosed with autism must be reported to the state health department and put in a database! That's the law here, no exceptions. So although that's supposed to be confidential, it still means that I don't have 100% control over who knows.

And I'm sort of a public figure in my town and know a lot of people in state government (just due to work and whatnot, not because I'm some big deal lol). So it makes me nervous to be on a list...especially because what if in time I realize that perhaps I'm like my dad but not truly autistic (not likely, but just pondering...). There's no way to get removed from The List.

My mom--no, it's very clear that she has the disorders she's been diagnosed with and not autism. But my dad and grandpa, yes.

I definitely learned to read body language, etc., for my career. And yet other times it's like you say...hyper empathy, especially with animals.

Anyway, thank you for your response and for the food for thought.

Thanks, out_of_step. I appreciate you responding at all, even if it didn't work out and was frustrating. It helps just knowing there are others out there. :)

Thank you, Roy. I will definitely ponder these points. There are mainly 3 reasons I put it off. One is expense. No insurance pays for that in my situation and I am lower income but not considered "low" enough income in order to get help. Another is lack of services. There are agencies here that will diagnose children, but none that work with adults. And the last is mandated reporting. In my state, a person who is diagnosed as autistic must be reported to our state health department. So it's not simply a matter of whether I want to come out; I'll be in a database! That creeps me out.

Anyway, thanks again for responding...very much appreciate it.

Same with the makeup (wearing it but not being into it). I work with kids, and I've found that if I make zero effort to look like a "woman" that they're used to interacting with, they struggle with learning. It's weird. But when I do my hair, wear more "feminine" clothes, jewelry, make up...everything is much smoother and they relate more. So I do it for work because I do want my day to be easier in that regard. But otherwise...blech! lol

Wow, Mark...I'm kind of stunned by the similarities I'm seeing here between me and others...and between everyone commenting. Yet we are kind of our own solar systems in our daily lives.

Elderly people--I've always found that I'm more at home with old people or very young ones (they just like to play and don't try small talk) vs people my age. They simply like any small bit of company and don't care about details...kind of like how dogs like us no matter what lol.

Same here with falling out of touch or whatever with others. If you don't drink with them or go out and do loud stuff, you just kind of naturally drift.

And when people move away, if you don't fly out or drive far away to visit at least once per year, you'll get culled eventually, too.

I agree about the rhythms...both Abba and the Beatles use a lot of syncopation, which I find incredibly catchy and uplifting. :) 

I'm with ya! I've had plenty of therapy and I understand that it's not healthy to avoid *all* social interactions "just" because I don't like them.

But at some point I realized that it actually is ok for people like me to simply limit them as much as they want. Why force it? There are plenty of things I don't do because I don't like to. I don't have to fit the extrovert/social mold and that's totally ok!!

I often think of that meme that goes something like "Just once I'd like to see this--'Talkative? Always want to go out and be with people? Try being quiet and introverted for a while...'" Or something like that lol!

Thank you, Number! What a wonderful community here. Learning that there are, indeed, people like me somewhere--anywhere--has made a much bigger difference to me than I was expecting. Not only that, but you all seem quite interesting and I'm enjoying reading the responses.

I relate to the realization struggle. The "what's wrong with me?" and/or the "what's wrong with everybody else?" is lifelong until the lightbulb. Not that it's suddenly all easy after that, but you know what I mean...

And the animal issue...so nice to hear that others relate!! I know that I'm not crazy for experiencing my animals as "people" (in the closeness of the bond, I mean) but others around me don't get it.

A while ago one of my animals was hospitalized and not expected to survive; it happened to be over my birthday and everyone knew about it, but they told me to still go out and have fun anyway. Can you imagine?? Talk about feeling alone or misunderstood. How in the world...why would I party while she is probably dying and potentially never to be seen alive again? That episode really pushed me to try to find others like me. Thank you for your validation. 

Anyway, thank you for your thoughtful response. It's nice to meet you!

I relate to a lot of what you say.

I'm not unfriendly but I'm not social. Being social makes me so anxious.

Don't wear heels either, no makeup, like you said - why suffer hell?

PS...I've just read more carefully some of your responses above - especially regarding your animal family members.  Please do not think that your feelings and actions are unique....many here, and myself, know and feel the same intensity towards our animal companions.  You are most certainly not alone in this.

Some of it is like me. I live with a very understanding lartner that drove me to my assessment and stayed in the waiting room throughout. I have had mani pedi when going on holiday though the beautician can keep their massage chair. That contraption is demonic!