Am I the only one, or does this sound like you sometimes?

Hi,

I am not sure how I feel about your feeling, but I can see some resemblance. Doctors and other mental health professionals have ensured me that I am autistic. It's not that I don't believe them, I just don't know how to feel about it, and it doesn't seems to do any good in my social interactions ( the realisation) and ironically I am talking to more people now, just they are medical professionals:).

Here is me-

• I wouldn't say I hate social interactions, I am just not really comfortable. My fixations on time, food, sharing, etc. I feel like I don't belong there.
• I have a fixed attire, hasn't changed that in years, may have had some modifications, but never changed anything to look better. My mother doesn't like this and people have told me I'd look better if I spare the coat. I don't care. I am comfortable in this and I am happy.  
• Maria (formerly NAS88629) said:

  You'll never see me in heels or ladies' dress shoes. Why suffer?
I completely agree
• I don't change my clothes with weather. I might ware a pair of glows, if its cold outside.
• I cut my hair myself too. I don't like strangers touching my hair, and I don't trust hair dressers or barbers. It might take a lot of time and I might probably mess it up, but after a week nobody notices.
• Same goes for mani-pedi. 
• No one has ever said that I look cute or handsome except for my mom. And then there are a group of people, elderly, I play board-games and stuffs with. They says I am a handsome gentleman, But I feel like its mostly out of pity.
• I used to feel like I need nobody, and I am better off myself, but now its just me and depression. And it kinda hurts to watch people of my age dating and doing thing for someone out of love. I have nobody, no ones trying to impress me nor there is anyone for me impress. And I wish it was different, but there is pretty much nothing I can do about it.
• I live alone. Sometimes I feel like like I should get a dog, but I can barely afford myself and sometimes I am too depressed to take care of myself, let alone a dog. So no animals.
• I love animals, I like going to the park and feeding squirrels and swans. Growing up I had a pet dogs and cats, but also bunnies, hares, a squirrel, a mongoose, a civet, a turtle, etc. I used to collect pupas an wait for the butterfly to come out. I'd spend hours feeding ants to antlions. Animals don't find me weird (at least I like to think so) and they don't judge me. Above all they stay around.
• I can be anyone you want. I worked as a guide, a cleaner, cook, at call centres, etc. I observe around the first day and just copy others. Realise what all are good and what all are bad. I am never told I am interesting or fun. But I am told on several occasions I am good or even best at what I do. I never loved a job I did. I just do it, because I should and that's all that matter me.
• I don't like eating out, I don't like clubbing, I don't like pubs. I take taking long nature walks, museums, parks and exhibitions. I go to shopping malls for window shopping. Other day I spent 4 hours at John Lewis, and bought nothing.
• People make friends at work. I don't. If they don't talk to me first, we probably work a whole year with out even addressing them once. I remember when 7 of all the other people working at my desk talking and laughing, I was never asked once. I was just there silent. At work or uni, I eat alone. No one invited me, because no one wants me around.
• TV is the only thing keeping me alive at this point. I go to the cinemas, at least 7 times a month. I need it. There is no peaceful music for me. I have metal blasting both my eardrums all the time, mostly to avoid what's around me. But when I am not public I listen to ABBA, or The Beatles, or somethin like that.

This is fun. But I still don't know how it is for you. I hope this might help?

(P.S.: sorry about the long text, I don't do this a lot) 

Thank you for your reply, Mark. I'm sorry to hear how hard things can be for you. And yet, I can relate...with soooo much of what you've written! Not just the social stuff, but ABBA and the Beatles are my two biggest musical influences lol. Must be something about that music...

It's interesting to me that so many of us share so many things in common, yet we're invisible in the larger world. I understand that it's a "ratio" kind of thing...We're all meeting here in this group with a common element, yet in the real world we're all spread out.

Still, I wish there were more people who understood us/were like us in real life.

I'm curious--do *you* feel as if you're interesting or could be fun in some way to be around if people gave you a chance? People in my area go out drinking a lot--it's the main form of entertainment, even into one's 50s. If you don't do that or don't party, you're automatically boring.

So people have pre-judged me because I'm not in that lifestyle. And on rare occasions when I do spend time with people, sometimes they still think I'm boring because all they want to talk about is shopping, beer, mani pedis, husbands, kids, etc....but sometimes they are surprised and say stuff like how fun I actually was or that I have a great sense of humor. Like, um, thanks?? Once they get to know me, they seem to think I'm not that weird. But it doesn't last long because I'm not in any social groups, so it's hard to keep up. 

It's kind of like...if people would take a moment and make an effort to match our energy/vibe, maybe they'd think we're not so weird and actually ok people. And maybe rather than toss us aside because we'd prefer to hang out maybe once per year at most, they'd still keep in touch but give us space and let us be part of the world more on our terms. But that doesn't happen.

Thanks again, Mark, for your response. I hope things can get a bit sunnier for you.

Thank you for your reply, Mark. I'm sorry to hear how hard things can be for you. And yet, I can relate...with soooo much of what you've written! Not just the social stuff, but ABBA and the Beatles are my two biggest musical influences lol. Must be something about that music...

It's interesting to me that so many of us share so many things in common, yet we're invisible in the larger world. I understand that it's a "ratio" kind of thing...We're all meeting here in this group with a common element, yet in the real world we're all spread out.

Still, I wish there were more people who understood us/were like us in real life.

I'm curious--do *you* feel as if you're interesting or could be fun in some way to be around if people gave you a chance? People in my area go out drinking a lot--it's the main form of entertainment, even into one's 50s. If you don't do that or don't party, you're automatically boring.

So people have pre-judged me because I'm not in that lifestyle. And on rare occasions when I do spend time with people, sometimes they still think I'm boring because all they want to talk about is shopping, beer, mani pedis, husbands, kids, etc....but sometimes they are surprised and say stuff like how fun I actually was or that I have a great sense of humor. Like, um, thanks?? Once they get to know me, they seem to think I'm not that weird. But it doesn't last long because I'm not in any social groups, so it's hard to keep up. 

It's kind of like...if people would take a moment and make an effort to match our energy/vibe, maybe they'd think we're not so weird and actually ok people. And maybe rather than toss us aside because we'd prefer to hang out maybe once per year at most, they'd still keep in touch but give us space and let us be part of the world more on our terms. But that doesn't happen.

Thanks again, Mark, for your response. I hope things can get a bit sunnier for you.

Wow, Mark...I'm kind of stunned by the similarities I'm seeing here between me and others...and between everyone commenting. Yet we are kind of our own solar systems in our daily lives.

Elderly people--I've always found that I'm more at home with old people or very young ones (they just like to play and don't try small talk) vs people my age. They simply like any small bit of company and don't care about details...kind of like how dogs like us no matter what lol.

Same here with falling out of touch or whatever with others. If you don't drink with them or go out and do loud stuff, you just kind of naturally drift.

And when people move away, if you don't fly out or drive far away to visit at least once per year, you'll get culled eventually, too.

I agree about the rhythms...both Abba and the Beatles use a lot of syncopation, which I find incredibly catchy and uplifting. :) 

Thanks NAS88629,

And it was a pleasure explore these things with someone.

Maria (formerly NAS88629) said:

do *you* feel as if you're interesting or could be fun in some way to be around if people gave you a chance?

I really don't know. I know some elderly people I meet for games and so. They like me, or that's what I like to think. I know a few people who studied with me and worked with me, but I am close to none of them. I like to say I befriended some people, but after a few interactions, we get estranged? They stop contacting me and that's it. I feel like I did something wrong, but I have no way of knowing. 

I myself don't find me interesting. I don't know what I am expecting from people. Its funny how much I know about biology and DNA and natural history from way back to 4.5 billion years ago, but I haven't figured out myself.

Maria (formerly NAS88629) said:

If you don't do that or don't party, you're automatically boring.

That thought has came across my mind on several occasions. I don't drink either. And I don't know what to do at parties. I can talk to people individually, But the moment a third person step in, I disappear. I am  practically invisible in party situations

I don't like sharing my 'you know what' with others. Primarily because they won't understand. I have tried to explain but it feels like they are not hearing what I am saying and I feel bad for explaining. And, honestly I don't think people understand what autism really is. I am not a human calculator. I am not The Rain Man(it's not even the right disorder). I hate people treating me delicately. So I don't speak of it. Just avoid anybody's attention.

It puts myself in a conundrum. People need to really understand me to find me not weird enough to get closer me, and I need a lot of trust and time for opening up to someone.( I have seriously low self esteem).

I love dancing to Dancing Queen alone in the kitchen while cooking( I am not good at dancing.). Beatles songs have these unusual rhythms which is so fascinating and mesmerizing. I find that in Led Zeppelin, Queen, or Bowie, or Tame Impala.