Am I the only one, or does this sound like you sometimes?

Thank you, everyone! I just came back here ready to delete my post because I figured if no one replied, I'd feel even more alone. But now i see that I am not.

And I'm sorry for those who are struggling. While most of us don't seem to need a lot (if any) social interaction, it's still hard not seeing anyone like oneself in the larger culture. And I see that some here are struggling with depression, too. I wish I had solutions.

As much as I hate covid, I *loved* certain aspects of lock down (yes, I do feel bad for those of us who suffered because of it, financially--I did too--or otherwise). I felt (and still feel) sad when everything got back to "normal" because during lockdown, I finally saw myself in the larger culture--people were not going to bars. People were enjoying nature. They were cooking at home, making their own fun, cutting their own hair, wearing whatever clothes they had. And then suddenly when it was lifted, they were all trashing that lifestyle and leaving it behind happily in an instant. I went from feeling like my life was like everyone else's to living the life that everyone hated, once again.

Part of what prompted this mini breakdown with me is that my cat was diagnosed with a chronic (and most likely terminal) disease this summer. She and my dog are my world. She has almost died a number of times, but with 'round the clock care and veterinary intervention, she is still with us. I know it won't be long, and I am not coping well. I am not sleeping or eating enough, and I go nowhere. I can't just go out and "have fun" when she's like this. I want to be with her for the time she has. And it's killing me knowing that she's ill, knowing that she'll be gone, and struggling with finding the best meds, food, etc..

People are being nice about it, but no one understands fully, so I don't go on and on with people. For me, it's like a family member is in hospice care and I am the only caregiver. I imagine this as if it were someone else--like that person is still expected to work, be in public, take care of their own needs, etc....but they're being the nurse 'round the clock with meds, etc. No one would expect that person to be ok if they were being the hospice nurse for a family member. They'd expect them to take time off work. They'd organize "meal trains" and other ways to help. People would check in. People would expect them to cry and struggle and would rally around them.

But not with a pet. They're as nice as they can be and know how to be in our current culture. But no one understands that my pets are my people and this is like being the one hospice worker for my dying family member, in my home. It's *that* hard on me.

I'm tough and rarely show struggle. I'm used to being the "only one who...." and being the weirdo. Whatever. But with her illness, it's just become painfully obvious that there is NO one like me in my world...and a reminder of post-lockdown isolation and hearing people say such awful things about the lifestyle that is mine (not going out, etc.). 

It has raised the old question again about whether I should get formally diagnosed, which I know many of you have pondered. I am seen as a leader in some ways in my community because of the work I do. If I were diagnosed finally, if I chose to "come out," I could see that as being a major part of the work I do with my workshops and other professional endeavors. But at the same time, I don't know if I want anyone knowing that about me. People judge. I don't know if I want a label in people's minds. Maybe it's my own business.

And what if I don't have autism...my dad and his dad (my grandpa) have autism. My mom has a personality disorder, OCD, and other things. I may have just learned these behaviors. The one thing that makes me think that maybe I don't have autism is that I don't have trouble anymore reading people's emotions. I've worked hard at that and am pretty good at it. So...? (I'm not asking for people to help me with that decision...I'm just pondering.)

Anyway, I have read (and will read) all responses and I really appreciate them and hope the best for all of you. I am new to this forum, so I'm still learning about how the forum works. If I don't respond in some way, it's not that I haven't read it; I may be just still getting to understand the way things work here.

Hi, many autistic people found lockdown to be the perfect world, it was quiet and no social interaction, the world had become autism friendly. I am aware a lot of people suffered and much worse.

You have family members with autism so it is more likely you are autistic, as for getting a diagnosis it’s different for everyone. For me my brain requires definite answers, impostor syndrome sets in sometimes but then I think about my life and remember I’ve been different to others since childhood. I’m still currently on the waiting list but not too much longer to wait now, for me a positive diagnosis will bring validation. 

It was when lockdown was lifted that I struggled massively, it was only by chance I caught a radio program on autism and then finally the “ lightbulb moment.”  I haven’t just been depressed, anxious and felt like an alien since childhood, I’ve been autistic.

You mentioned feeling you are in a mini breakdown, after looking further into autism my life just changed, I lost interest in everything and became just different, constantly tired and thoughts about any and everything.

I now realise that 54 years of masking, trying to look and act normal had led to an autistic burnout, processing 54 years of life was too much, many of the situations I had been in had gone epically wrong, I now realise that it wasn’t my fault, they were situations that weren’t suitable for me, being told I’m a fussy eater wasn’t true, they are food intolerances, not liking to be touched doesn’t make me strange or an uncaring person. To be honest the burnout lasted for over a year.
Wether you decide to “ come out “ is entirely your choice. I did tell two people about why I believe I’m autistic and both just said,” I thought you was.”  They then owned up to being neurodiverse, it’s quite strange, I just normally know when I’m in the company of another autistic person. Some people are very receptive of autism and some will never understand. I’ve lost contact with some people but they were only work related acquaintances. Quite a few autistic people prefer animals to humans. I’m sorry you are struggling with your cat at the moment, they aren’t just animals, they are our companions and never judge us.

You have obviously thought about a diagnosis quite a lot, for me finally going to my GP was the best thing I’ve ever done for me, from memory I just had verbal diarrhoea for about 15 minutes, he was trying to type as fast as I was talking, he gave up in the end. Hearing a professional say “ I think you are autistic and I’m going to refer you “ was really strange, I don’t cry but I sat in my car afterwards and couldn’t stop crying. That was nearly 2 years ago, I now feel mentally ready.

My advice for what it’s worth is go for it, if negative then you’ve lost nothing, if positive you will finally know and not feel guilty for being different. Take care.

Hi, many autistic people found lockdown to be the perfect world, it was quiet and no social interaction, the world had become autism friendly. I am aware a lot of people suffered and much worse.

You have family members with autism so it is more likely you are autistic, as for getting a diagnosis it’s different for everyone. For me my brain requires definite answers, impostor syndrome sets in sometimes but then I think about my life and remember I’ve been different to others since childhood. I’m still currently on the waiting list but not too much longer to wait now, for me a positive diagnosis will bring validation. 

It was when lockdown was lifted that I struggled massively, it was only by chance I caught a radio program on autism and then finally the “ lightbulb moment.”  I haven’t just been depressed, anxious and felt like an alien since childhood, I’ve been autistic.

You mentioned feeling you are in a mini breakdown, after looking further into autism my life just changed, I lost interest in everything and became just different, constantly tired and thoughts about any and everything.

I now realise that 54 years of masking, trying to look and act normal had led to an autistic burnout, processing 54 years of life was too much, many of the situations I had been in had gone epically wrong, I now realise that it wasn’t my fault, they were situations that weren’t suitable for me, being told I’m a fussy eater wasn’t true, they are food intolerances, not liking to be touched doesn’t make me strange or an uncaring person. To be honest the burnout lasted for over a year.
Wether you decide to “ come out “ is entirely your choice. I did tell two people about why I believe I’m autistic and both just said,” I thought you was.”  They then owned up to being neurodiverse, it’s quite strange, I just normally know when I’m in the company of another autistic person. Some people are very receptive of autism and some will never understand. I’ve lost contact with some people but they were only work related acquaintances. Quite a few autistic people prefer animals to humans. I’m sorry you are struggling with your cat at the moment, they aren’t just animals, they are our companions and never judge us.

You have obviously thought about a diagnosis quite a lot, for me finally going to my GP was the best thing I’ve ever done for me, from memory I just had verbal diarrhoea for about 15 minutes, he was trying to type as fast as I was talking, he gave up in the end. Hearing a professional say “ I think you are autistic and I’m going to refer you “ was really strange, I don’t cry but I sat in my car afterwards and couldn’t stop crying. That was nearly 2 years ago, I now feel mentally ready.

My advice for what it’s worth is go for it, if negative then you’ve lost nothing, if positive you will finally know and not feel guilty for being different. Take care.

Thank you, Roy. I will definitely ponder these points. There are mainly 3 reasons I put it off. One is expense. No insurance pays for that in my situation and I am lower income but not considered "low" enough income in order to get help. Another is lack of services. There are agencies here that will diagnose children, but none that work with adults. And the last is mandated reporting. In my state, a person who is diagnosed as autistic must be reported to our state health department. So it's not simply a matter of whether I want to come out; I'll be in a database! That creeps me out.

Anyway, thanks again for responding...very much appreciate it.