Newly Diagnosed

Oh I see that must be difficult! I'm not a psychotherapist and I already feel that so many therapist's approaches are just so so obvious, but if you were specifically trained in psychotherapist it must be 1000 times more noticable... 

Yes! Also, I can spot the techniques the therapists use. It's like someone knowing exactly how a magic trick is done. I try not to laugh when I hear "That must be difficult for you", "Can you expand on that?", or "How do you think that affected you?". All good techniques but I see through them as a psychotherapist and it's too predictable for me to gain any new insight.

I feel some resentment, but no real anger. I was a child in the 1960s and 1970s, when virtually no one was diagnosed with autism who didn't also have obvious intellectual disability. So even my lengthy spells of selective mutism at infant school were not picked up on.

I pestered my family with frogspawn, newts, water beetles, a lizard and even a hedgehog.

The bullying was in previous jobs and the person got away with it as well as discrimination against other colleagues with mental ill health, children etc... she has left the country now thank goodness.

My current place is amazing and so so supportive even before I got my diagnosis. I told my manager the other day and she pretty much said we can keep it between us if you want or you can add it to my HR file and that it was entirely up to me. We support others with mental ill health so I suppose I'm lucky in that way that the company I work for looks after us so we can help others!

Hi, I can relate to the feeling of anger and frustration and feeling let down. I had that too initially after my diagnosis, but it has largely passed now.... though I wish it had been picked up earlier... I also struggle to understand how so many professionals could have missed it... I even spent 8 weeks inpatient once (and i was utterly overwhelmed and getting worse and constantly telling them how 'I felt different' etc) and it wasn't picked up there either... 

What helped me to address the anger was to let those professionals that had been involved in my care previously know that I have now been diagnosed with ASD. It occurred to me that the reason that it was missed is an issue with training and as the professionals barely ever get feedback if they miss that one of their patient has ASD. At least in my case, I saw different people over the years, so that doctor that claimed I 'was depressed' or 'had anxiety' or 'an eating disorder' , 'signs of OCD'  (some of which I do have others, not...) will probably never know that I was in fact autistic and that that contributed to some of the challenges I was facing. Tbh contacting the professionals probably did little in my case- I mostly got no response or not really much understanding but at least I tried (I either emailed or phoned or both- and I took a completely non accusatory approach- I just said that I had seen them in xxx and that I wanted to let them know that I had now been diagnosed with ASD. Then I sometimes said that I wish that had been picked up sooner and I just thought I would let them know in the hope that the next autistic person might be diagnosed sooner.). It did help deal with my anger/frustration though- I felt like I had done what I could for now to prevent similar from happening to others... 

With time the anger went mostly. I'm not good at anger anyways though. I had a whole bunch of other emotions - confusion, disbelief, 'feeling broken', ' inner peace' , ' this makes so much sense' , sadness, frustration, anger etc.... I also felt quite frustrated when I realised that there is almost no support available for autistic adults.... 

So you are definitely not the only person that is feeling angry/frustrated. I think with time the anger will pass- it's very understandable to feel angry- after all we were let down and are still being let down by the system. What also helps me is to also remind myself that they didn't do it on purpose, it's a lack of training and not out of ill intent. It's hard to excuse the bullies (I was bullied too) and especially that it is happening in the workplace... I'm really sorry- can you somehow raise it with someone that you are being bullied? They really shouldn't just get away with that. It is cruel and unfair and also discriminating! 

Oh I get the irony. I work in mental health in a support capacity and have a psychology degree. I hate disclosing this to therapists as it gives me major imposter syndrome

I was actually assessed and told that I wasn't autistic and went down blind alleys of depression treatment for fourteen or fifteen years before I was diagnosed properly two years ago! Strangely, I don't really remember feeling a lot of anger, which makes me wonder if I'm repressing it all because it's too "dangerous." I'm not good at expressing or even acknowledging anger, not least because I have alexithymia -- difficulty recognising and understanding my own emotions.

What I still have is the "What if...?" questions: What if I had been diagnosed the first time? What if I had been diagnosed at school? What if [change any variable from my life that vaguely relates to autism]? I try not to go down that road because, realistically, nothing good can come of it. If I realise I could have had a better life, there's still no way to access that imaginary life. While I still struggle in many areas, I'm trying to focus on the positives in my life (I'm getting married in two months!) and build a new life with diagnosis day as Day 1.

Thank you for responding. I'm debating therapy, but I never really connected with therapists I've had in the past, now since being aware of my autism I know why. I find prescribed medication helps me though - especially for anxiety and racing thoughts. Ironically, I'm a psychotherapist (but I went into research to deal with people less often). 

You've hit the nail on the head... I'm so angry knowing what I know now and having the teachers just ignore the bullying despite me reporting it, workplaces engaging in 'banter' despite knowing it upset me and telling me to lighten up. Like you I think I'd have been able to find helpful coping mechanisms and not just be shoved on medication (though nothing wrong with that if it works for the individual)

Oh it is. I question my identity all the time. It's going to take a lot of time to make sense of things and therapy is slowly helping. Thank you for sharing.

I got officially diagnosed a week ago and I can relate to this. My main feeling about it is relief, but anger is definitely there too. Specifically, I'm angry at all the people who were in positions of responsibility/had a duty of care towards me and let me suffer- teachers who watched me get bullied and did nothing, and doctors who dismissed me as a hypochondriac or attention-seeker when I asked for assessment. If I'd known I was autistic earlier, I still would have had many of the same struggles in life, but there would have been an explanation and literal decades more time to find coping mechanisms that would actually work.

Hi M84. Thank you so much for your reply. I'm glad to help. I write better than I speak! Questioning self-identity/not knowing which person I am is definitely difficult - it's the root of my thoughts, beliefs, attitudes and behaviour. Wishing you the best. Take care.

Your post has definitely helped me! Thank you. I posted before about my recent diagnosis and feeling like 2 people in 1 body, and feeling very confused. You described it so much better but I too struggle to understand who I am.

I recently discovered my autism at a very late age. All my life, I thought I was just eccentric and not a people person! Instead, I scored extremely high on a standardised autism test. I'm actually a psychotherapist (obviously better at diagnosing other people). Knowing I'm autistic shocked me at first. I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2020, but learning I'm autistic has been more difficult to adapt to mentally - the meaning of my entire life and my self-identity changed into something unrecognisable.

But to address your post, I read and saw on the recent autism TV programmes that young girls do not get diagnosed as often as boys do. Girls tend to mask more and better, as girls may be more inclined to want "social acceptance". Personally, I didn't care about people liking me but I'm sure I masked consciously and unconsciously to succeed in school and work. However, I struggled dealing with people - especially in the workplace. I even became a researcher to avoid working with people. I was made for numbers, statistics and analysis.

I don't feel angry at my (very) late diagnosis. It's definitely unfortunate - early diagnosis with reassurance, practical help and support would have been great but it seems autism research and theory have been geared to boys. As girls/women we were all lost and struggling. We did, and still do, our best coping in a confusing world that doesn't accommodate us.

I am now experiencing massive confusion over who I am. Am I the masking persona? Or am I the autistic persona underneath the masking? I think I am probably both. Understanding my autism/autistic behaviour helps a lot. I now know to shut down and go quiet when upset, rather than shout uncontrollably, because that autistic trait of shutting down helps me feel calmer and it helps my relationship with my boyfriend. 

Learning about issues specific to autistic women, learning about myself and practising self-acceptance are helping me, but it's a slow process with good and bad days and feelings.

 I don't know if my post is helpful, but I hope so. I wish you the best, and the same to anyone reading this.

I daydream constantly, throughout my life. 

That's awesome! My grandfather had a pond and I loved fishing for newts to terrify my mother with. I wasn't allowed a pond at home because though our council flat had a garden we couldn't have ponds :( 

LOL you reminded me I presented my Dad with a tub of frogspawn one day and twisted his arm to dig and line a pond in the garden so I could have lots of froggy friends visit every year. (also a 80'sbaby-90's kid)

Thank you for the reply.

I'm trying to take it slowly. Very glad I signed up for this community as reading though the posts I feel less alone knowing there are others out there with similar experiences.

Thank you for your reply.

I had lots of talking therapy, mind matters, CBT etc all for things like depression and anxiety. I then had a major breakdown in 2019 due to bullying at work and was referred to a social prescriber who I first mentioned to a friend said I may have ASD and they referred me (then I went right to choose) and asked about what talking therapies I'd had and when I mentioned pretty much everything she said about either drama, art or some other therapy - so I said I'd like art therapy as I love drawing and found out it was for neurodivergent people when I got the letter through. All four of us when we started were 'suspected' and awaiting assessment and I got mine Tuesday. The others in my group are sadly still waiting but it's geared around how our experiences can be related to either autism or ADHD - or both!