Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm not really sure what to write if I'm honest...
So I had an assessment via Right to Choose on Tuesday and the psychiatrist gave me a diagnosis of 'ASD'. It explains so much of why I've always felt like an outcast (sometimes even amongst the other 'outcasts') but my overwhelming feeling is of anger - why it wasn't picked up when I was younger and why I had to struggle so much through High School and the horrendous bullying I've gone through in work places. I'm already in therapy for neurodivergent people or those suspected to be neurodivergent which has helped somewhat but I still can't shake the anger side of things.
Has anyone else experienced this?
I recently discovered my autism at a very late age. All my life, I thought I was just eccentric and not a people person! Instead, I scored extremely high on a standardised autism test. I'm actually a psychotherapist (obviously better at diagnosing other people). Knowing I'm autistic shocked me at first. I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2020, but learning I'm autistic has been more difficult to adapt to mentally - the meaning of my entire life and my self-identity changed into something unrecognisable.
But to address your post, I read and saw on the recent autism TV programmes that young girls do not get diagnosed as often as boys do. Girls tend to mask more and better, as girls may be more inclined to want "social acceptance". Personally, I didn't care about people liking me but I'm sure I masked consciously and unconsciously to succeed in school and work. However, I struggled dealing with people - especially in the workplace. I even became a researcher to avoid working with people. I was made for numbers, statistics and analysis.
I don't feel angry at my (very) late diagnosis. It's definitely unfortunate - early diagnosis with reassurance, practical help and support would have been great but it seems autism research and theory have been geared to boys. As girls/women we were all lost and struggling. We did, and still do, our best coping in a confusing world that doesn't accommodate us.
I am now experiencing massive confusion over who I am. Am I the masking persona? Or am I the autistic persona underneath the masking? I think I am probably both. Understanding my autism/autistic behaviour helps a lot. I now know to shut down and go quiet when upset, rather than shout uncontrollably, because that autistic trait of shutting down helps me feel calmer and it helps my relationship with my boyfriend.
Learning about issues specific to autistic women, learning about myself and practising self-acceptance are helping me, but it's a slow process with good and bad days and feelings.
I don't know if my post is helpful, but I hope so. I wish you the best, and the same to anyone reading this.
Oh it is. I question my identity all the time. It's going to take a lot of time to make sense of things and therapy is slowly helping. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for responding. I'm debating therapy, but I never really connected with therapists I've had in the past, now since being aware of my autism I know why. I find prescribed medication helps me though - especially for anxiety and racing thoughts. Ironically, I'm a psychotherapist (but I went into research to deal with people less often).
Hi Kitty, you are inspiring me. I, too, am a psychotherapist and have just been diagnosed at 45. It's a lot to try to get my head around and I can feel both a pull towards actively reframing my experiences and struggles and a simultaneous suspicion of doing so ... even an aversion. It's quite confusing but overall I have a sense that things make sense in a way that they never did before and I can stop looking for that 'golden bullet' to fix me. I think I have a sense that something close to liberation might be lurking around somewhere but I also feel confused about exactly what you describe - the masking or what's underneath - and is this just a ruse to get out of trying to fix myself! ...
What's worse is when they do something incorrect and I want to teach them more effective questioning techniques. I used to train student psychotherapists, so I supervised and critiqued them. I also correct "therapists" in films and TV programmes. My boyfriend is used to my lessons on proper psychotherapy!
Oh I see that must be difficult! I'm not a psychotherapist and I already feel that so many therapist's approaches are just so so obvious, but if you were specifically trained in psychotherapist it must be 1000 times more noticable...
Yes! Also, I can spot the techniques the therapists use. It's like someone knowing exactly how a magic trick is done. I try not to laugh when I hear "That must be difficult for you", "Can you expand on that?", or "How do you think that affected you?". All good techniques but I see through them as a psychotherapist and it's too predictable for me to gain any new insight.
Oh I get the irony. I work in mental health in a support capacity and have a psychology degree. I hate disclosing this to therapists as it gives me major imposter syndrome