Newly Diagnosed

I'm not really sure what to write if I'm honest...

So I had an assessment via Right to Choose on Tuesday and the psychiatrist gave me a diagnosis of 'ASD'. It explains so much of why I've always felt like an outcast (sometimes even amongst the other 'outcasts') but my overwhelming feeling is of anger - why it wasn't picked up when I was younger and why I had to struggle so much through High School and the horrendous bullying I've gone through in work places. I'm already in therapy for neurodivergent people or those suspected to be neurodivergent which has helped somewhat but I still can't shake the anger side of things.

Has anyone else experienced this?

Parents
  • I recently discovered my autism at a very late age. All my life, I thought I was just eccentric and not a people person! Instead, I scored extremely high on a standardised autism test. I'm actually a psychotherapist (obviously better at diagnosing other people). Knowing I'm autistic shocked me at first. I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2020, but learning I'm autistic has been more difficult to adapt to mentally - the meaning of my entire life and my self-identity changed into something unrecognisable.

    But to address your post, I read and saw on the recent autism TV programmes that young girls do not get diagnosed as often as boys do. Girls tend to mask more and better, as girls may be more inclined to want "social acceptance". Personally, I didn't care about people liking me but I'm sure I masked consciously and unconsciously to succeed in school and work. However, I struggled dealing with people - especially in the workplace. I even became a researcher to avoid working with people. I was made for numbers, statistics and analysis.

    I don't feel angry at my (very) late diagnosis. It's definitely unfortunate - early diagnosis with reassurance, practical help and support would have been great but it seems autism research and theory have been geared to boys. As girls/women we were all lost and struggling. We did, and still do, our best coping in a confusing world that doesn't accommodate us.

    I am now experiencing massive confusion over who I am. Am I the masking persona? Or am I the autistic persona underneath the masking? I think I am probably both. Understanding my autism/autistic behaviour helps a lot. I now know to shut down and go quiet when upset, rather than shout uncontrollably, because that autistic trait of shutting down helps me feel calmer and it helps my relationship with my boyfriend. 

    Learning about issues specific to autistic women, learning about myself and practising self-acceptance are helping me, but it's a slow process with good and bad days and feelings.

     I don't know if my post is helpful, but I hope so. I wish you the best, and the same to anyone reading this.

  • Your post has definitely helped me! Thank you. I posted before about my recent diagnosis and feeling like 2 people in 1 body, and feeling very confused. You described it so much better but I too struggle to understand who I am.

Reply
  • Your post has definitely helped me! Thank you. I posted before about my recent diagnosis and feeling like 2 people in 1 body, and feeling very confused. You described it so much better but I too struggle to understand who I am.

Children
  • Hi M84. Thank you so much for your reply. I'm glad to help. I write better than I speak! Questioning self-identity/not knowing which person I am is definitely difficult - it's the root of my thoughts, beliefs, attitudes and behaviour. Wishing you the best. Take care.