Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm not really sure what to write if I'm honest...
So I had an assessment via Right to Choose on Tuesday and the psychiatrist gave me a diagnosis of 'ASD'. It explains so much of why I've always felt like an outcast (sometimes even amongst the other 'outcasts') but my overwhelming feeling is of anger - why it wasn't picked up when I was younger and why I had to struggle so much through High School and the horrendous bullying I've gone through in work places. I'm already in therapy for neurodivergent people or those suspected to be neurodivergent which has helped somewhat but I still can't shake the anger side of things.
Has anyone else experienced this?
Congratulations on your diagnosis, anger is quite normal. I suppose we morn the child that we could have been. It’s the age old “ what if?” The bullying seems to happen to most autistic people, that doesn’t make it right either. We look for someone to blame, parents and schools had no understanding of autism, I had no understanding of it until the light bulb moment, it then became a new special interest. As others have said, don’t try to process it all too quickly, I tried and the wheels came off.
Oh definitely. I think I've experienced more anger post diagnosis than the rest of my life leading up to it. There is the anger about why it wasn't picked up earlier and a sense of loss for how different things could have been if I'd known earlier.
There has also been anger about the lack of any support post diagnosis. I wrongly believed that understanding what was behind my lifelong severe anxiety would open up access to therapy to help. However that has proved impossible and I am left to try and cope alone as best I can. If you don't mind sharing I'm curious as to how you've managed to access some therapy for the neurodivergent?. I've just been told repeatedly there is nothing available in my area and the only way to access therapy would be to go private.
For so many years I had blamed myself for all the difficulties I experienced throughout my education and in the workplace. Now finally I understood that it wasn't my fault and I could stop blaming myself. However that anger that was previously directed inwards has had nowhere else to go. It's been a tough rollercoaster but I am thankful that I have finally learned the truth about who I am.
I did terribly at school except in English where I'd be reading things my teacher read in university.
I used to bring in worms or catch flies in my mother's kitchen sieve to feed to spiders in the garden and watch them wrap them up in silk!
I think I spent most of my time daydreaming too then I took the exams and did well and the school were like “we thought nothing was going in!” I used to bring in snails and watch them go across the kitchen table making a trail!
Absolutely. I think it's going to take a good while for me to process it all, but I'm glad I'm not alone in feeling angry.
I think my Dad just thought of me as a little tomboy and saw nothing wrong with me at all, and my mother was more "why can't you just be like other little girls?" when I'd bring in Tupperware tubs of worms or other weird things.
Schools were rubbish in the 90s too - I guess because I was quiet and daydreamed I was just considered a good student even if I was day dreaming or picking up the same book every storytime!
Congratulations on your diagnosis. I think anger is a common response. it's hard to process just how much of our lives could have been so different if only we'd know, just how much pain we could have been spared.
Oh yes, most definitely! I’m just asking for assessment now but there were lots of signs as a child. Schools were pretty crap at these things back in the 80s when I was growing up. My mum had suspicions but didn’t do anything about it. I forgive her though. Parenting is tough.