Just had my first appointment, need some help.

So it's been a little while now but I've had a few appointments with a clinical psychologist who specialises in autism and AS in my area.

I've gone through the AQ, EQ, SQ and ADOS tests with her. She said I scored the maximum on the AQ, which she'd never seen before. I scored 2 on the EQ and I think 58 on the SQ, which is apparently more normal. I don't remember my score ont he ADOS, but it was over the threshold as she said.

As such she's diagnosed me as on the autism spectrum and having Asperger's Syndrome. She's in the process of writing up a written report so I can have a copy, but I'm relieved to finally have an answer to my questions.

The next step is what to do about therapy though. She says I need to have some goals to work towards, but my only real goal is to get a job in which I feel comfortable. She says that's too large a goal to have though and I need smaller goals but I don't know what to suggest. 

Hello Hope

You are mostly right in everything you say but I recognise the fine line between 'proper' Aspie behaviour and Aspie-like behavioural traits. I am not self-diagnosed but seeing my psychiatrist for the second time in 11 days. If I ever said I find it easy to make friends I meant this with some caveats. I have always lived in small towns and villages and my mum always forced me to get involved in social activities. All my life I've had to learn people's 'languages'...I stand back, see how things seem, and then join in on their terms but I have never been absolutely clueless about social interaction. By that I mean completely lost, looking on and not understanding anything. That's why I even questioned seeking diagnosis as my partner's experience has been different. Yet I took the spectrum idea seriously and went ahead anyway. But people have always said I was rude or said inappropriate things without me understanding why. And then there's so much other stuff...

I actually found some old diaries recently from when I was 15 until about twenty and all that time I thought I was being sociable, I was actually spending a lot of my time alone. People, often friends, seem to phone or call on me but I rarely seem to be seeking them out. I also found some of my truly bad school poetry (it wasn't on the curriculum) and there's lots of poems about being alone, people not understanding me, about insincerity of people, of being haunted by a shadow-person, and in the diaries there's some stuff which comes across as a bit stalker-y in connection with one girl I thought I couldn't live without.

The sad bit in the diary, for me, comes when I leave school, and get slowly dropped by my old school friends as without the structure of school, I found it very hard to cope with daily life. The 80s were an awful time for jobs and it took me a long time to find one. Anyway, a long story told short, when I met my Aspie love ten years ago everything changed and I found the person I was looking for.

Having looked around the net, I know I have some small aspects of social anxiety disorder but I think this is just part of a bigger generalised anxiety disorder. I definitely have problems with impulse control and this has gotten me into a lot of trouble in the past. At my first psychiatrist appt, I knew my psy'ist was looking for the developmental narrative but I can't tell a story to save my life so I think I came across as a rambling, bumbling mass of social anxiety but there IS a developmental narrative lurking in there. I know it's atypical to you and I am not longing to be an Aspie to become some sort of Aspie power couple with my partner but I want some sense of what has happened, what has gone wrong, because there has recently been a re-appearance of many of my old problems which at my age are now much more serious, so I feel I have to get some form of professional opinion, one way or another.

I wanted to thank you for taking time to reply and now I've gone and written way too much. I'll wait until the 17th and see what happens. I don't intend to be a regular here anyway but I am glad that this exists because for many, many generations of people it must have been so much worse before the internet. On that topic you've chosen a  very appropriate name for yourself, even if you are advocating for the devil at times...

You might have AS, and as I don't know you and all we have to go by on this forum are words, I can't really say what I think because I have not met you. However, I am sceptical, and to be really sure you need to see an autism professional who may or may not diagnose you as being on the spectrum. There are other conditions that can mimic AS, and before I got diagnosed I was very aware of this and  did not even go on any forums or join any groups because for all I knew I did not really have Aspergers.  Of course you are very welcome here as a partner of someone with AS and in your own right as someone who is questioning themselves and who may or may not have AS, but you have to be careful and self-diagnosis is dodgy. Remain open-minded (however hard this is) until an official diagnosis.

The reason I am sceptical: finding it easy to may friends, as you put it, does not suggest AS at all, because the core AS symptom is always difficulty in making friends. It might be you are just shy and a bit eccentric or 'geeky', and this on its own can simply mean the slightly 'odd' side of 'neurotypicality' (I am playing the devil's advocate).

I don't use sarcasm, I meant exactly what I wrote.

I may be blunt, I don't need to-reflect and when someone combines metaphor with a social role it's time to think of something other than Aspergers.

Unless they genuinely wore clown make up and a red nose to School, in which case I am wrong.

@Haythml

If you had a little reflection on what you've just said...you might think about the roles a person constructs just to get through school. I don't know if I am like my partner who has been diagnosed and has all the classic symptoms but I've read enough message boards to know that there is a massive spectrum of people out there...even those who have been diagnosed as 'mild'...where I can't seem to function is in the "Theory of Mind" capabilities. Constructive comments appreciated...not such a big fan of sarcasm...does that kind of thing win awards?

Dave V said:

I also noticed when writing out my notes she had a book next to them she kept referring to before asking me questions. That didn't really help with putting any faith in her. 

That is Standard, and will happen exactly the same at Diagnosis. It is a questionairre and you find there arent enough room for the notes. The person has to ask the questions in the right order, as later questions can expand on or catch out earlier answers.

They write on the notebook to get as much info as possible for their later write up.

The Imp of the Perverse said:

 Just because you are the 'class clown' it doesn't mean you're laughing underneath all that make-up...

That should make it on to a leaderboard of " top 10 things an Aspie could never say about themselves " if there was one in  existence. Unless you went to a Clown School,  then I apologise.

Don't thake this the wrong way Dave V, but sometimes the professional can be right. Some people have Social Anxiety or PDD, people are too quick to read about symptoms and talk about an awkward childhood ( which most have). They add it together to Aspergers so quickly some nver get to being diagnosed as they decide it for themselves.

Now you may actually have Aspergers Syndrome, and I've never understood why peoplea re so desperate for the Psych to give them the label, but you have to understand that people who are trained to diagnose sometimes say no.

I would go for the appointment in 3 months though, it is best to see these things through as second opinions are valuable things ( if you can get one).

Thanks for that reply longman. You've nailed it completely. I must have spent nearly two hours talking to my psychiatrist (who was really understanding with my partner I have to say in her defence) but at one point she, not I, introduced the topic of 'do you ever have suicidal thoughts', so of course I say yes, because that's the truth but then I see her letter to my doctor and apart from the 'dramatisation' and 'SAD' all she bangs on about is suicide. However when she asked me I was remembering reading Albert Camus' The Myth of Sisyphus years ago and I often think about suicide in a philosophical way rather than jumping off a bridge. However reading those 80s diaries again, I find that I was thinking suicidal thoughts off and on for years but I thought this was normal, I thought everybody got low enough to question their existence but my partner (the diagnosed Aspie) says this is not the case...but I find this truly unbelievable. She says for some people this never even enters their head but again...is this really true? It seems impossible to believe.

I have the gaze aversion problem you mention but when I try and practise gazing and talking with my partner, everything just gums up and I find I can barely organize my thoughts to speak. I am also terrible for 'burning boats'. I haven't spoken to people for decades because of certain 'ethical' issues. As for immaturity, I had to go to a birthday party for my Mum recently with all the family gathered. My nephews and nieces range from 25 to 14 but I felt like the youngest person there and I had real problems staying in the room when everyone was talking at once. I felt like my mind was being melted by all the noise. Again, I read my partner's AS books (Attwood etc.) and it seems I fit so many of the typical traits but I just know it's going to be a battle with the psychiatrist. I mean she didn't even ask how I experience day-to-day life...I almost wish I hadn't bothered now. 

Attwood actually says he expects there to be a deluge of older people seeking diagnoses but I wonder if there's a kind of 'rationing' going on. The most obvious Aspies pass through the gate, no problem, but the 'borderline' ones are kept out. I don't actually want any services from the NHS, I just want to make sense of all that pain of growing up. Just because you are the 'class clown' it doesn't mean you're laughing underneath all that make-up...

Sadly the whole thing remains a minefield. Information about adults doesn't seem to be getting through to professionals, who still seem to be driven by looking for the manifestations found in young people, in adults who as square pegs have been forced into a round hole, and probably do not manifest those diagnostioc traits.

Gaze aversion seems to be the commonest one, but you cannot easily detect gaze aversion when someone is looking proximally at a face, and most people as adults are forced to try to look in the right sort of direction. They still don't make eye contact. Gaze aversion (demonstrably looking away from the face, eg downwards) shouldn't be used as diagnostic evidence on its own.

The other is giving a good impression in a fifteen minute or half hour interview. Most adults to survive have had to develop formal social patter.  They can probably survive a one to one interview without giving much indication of having a problem.

It is all too easy to substitute alternative explanations. In my 20s and 30s immaturity was often cited as a way of explaining difficulties. Then it was lack of assertiveness (those stupid tapes and books - parent-adult-child etc), or relaxation exercises.

You've been offered social anxiety disorder and propensity to dramatise as brush offs.

Sadly I don't think the professionals read these posts. Otherwise we could remonstrate with them. What is the point of wasting money on relaxation tapes etc when just addressing the ACTUAL problems a person might have might more effectively find a resolution.

How much time is spent on people who come back repeatedly with social integratgion problems, and are given the brush off over and over again? Wouldn't it be better to provide positive help?

To begin with my username comes from an Edgar Allan Poe story which sums up my life.

The backstory is that I diagnosed my partner with AS over seven years ago and after a lot of cajoling she got her diagnosis two and a half years ago with no difficulties. Thinking about her lifestory I began to see patterns in my own which made me think perhaps AS describes all the difficulties I've had ever since I can remember. My GP, a really understanding fellow, referred me without a murmur three months ago but after what I thought had been a really positive interview at the psychiatrist's I found out from my GP that apparently 'I have a propensity to dramatise' and a 'social anxiety disorder'. This is not me at all. Believe me.

My problem is that if I were an Aspie I realise I would be somewhat atypical. I was popular at school in a way, I was fast so I was good at football, rugby, and sprinting, and I had no trouble attracting girls (though I couldn't actually speak to them), or making friends. However it was all a big act. All the time. Where I grew up first, we were the rich family surrounded by council houses, and I never had to make an effort to make friends as the local boys always wanted to play with me because we had so much stuff. I also used to give them all my sweets but I only ever felt myself when I was alone and I used to hide away in a cupboard to get away from everyone. I was also very dreamy as a child, always zoning out, sometimes coming home from school early because I lost track of time (it never occurred to me where everyone else was..) My obsessions around this time were with Spiderman and this dice-football game called LogActa. I would play this for hours on end.

When we moved town when I was 9 I changed quite a lot and got caught up in a lot of vandalism (in a village of 300 people!) and about this time I realised that I didn't really need anyone else and spent a lot of time alone. Our family was still very popular but again, as we were well-off, I became everybody's friend without really trying because we had a football, cricket bat, tennis rackets, subbuteo etc.. I always felt a high degree of alienation from everyone but I thought it was because we were well-off but I now remember not really understanding what people were talking about and I would often say things that had no relation to what they were saying but I couldn't work out why.

There seems to be a pattern of being co-opted as a friend, even at Law School (I didn't last...) a few years back when people would come up and introduce themselves, but they would often quite quickly back off when they saw how 'weird' and asocial I was. Anyway secondary school was OK but I had agonies of self-consciousness and realised that I was always a 'copier', never an initiator. I always felt (and feel) like I had to sit back, observe, learn the 'language' of the people around me as best I could, and then just copy what I saw and heard. But it's always just an act. Part of socialising often means telling stories about oneself but it was made clear to me that what I used to relate made no sense. I had such a clear idea in my head that I would describe a little of what I saw and just expect everyone else to see it too. So then I went to the other extreme and my stories would become lengthy rambling pointless exercises and I would often forget the point along the way. However at school I was never considered that odd because if you can talk the language of pop music, girls, and sport then boys' conversation is so limited that it was easy to get along. However my fake persona got worse because I could never discover why what everyone thought was funny was so. I just used to laugh, repeat the bit they found funny and so on.

However, when I left school my world fell apart. There was no structure to my day anymore, there were no jobs in 1984, and being on my own all the time, I just retreated into myself and got lost in the world of books. I was never very techie (despite loving science at primary school) but I could spend all day reading (all day, 16 hours) and just zone out all day. This to me was life, living that other world (however I have crashed cars three times zoning out and had near misses countless times). It's not structure that bothers me but I just want to do the same thing all day long, every day without change. My meals are pretty strictly regulated as I only eat about three different types of food. I have a few OCD elements. I hate social chit-chat and always have. I get peopled-out but not to the degree of my partner's exhaustion. I am anxious all the time and always have been. I have obsessions that are all-consuming (it used to be Peak Oil, it's corrupt finance at the moment). I read faces quite well I think but I recently found some old diaries from the 80s and I seem to spend a lot of time wondering what people's expressions mean without ever getting round to asking straight questions to get straight answers. I do have and have always had quick-onset anger issues, hyper-sensitivity to criticism, clothing sensitivity, a kind of mind-fogginess at times when I can barely speak but looking back I don't think I've initiated anything in my life ever. I seem to get co-opted a lot into things but I've also had my trust abused so many times I get paranoid easily. The main thing is I don't feel like I belong to that other race of people, the NTs. I literally cannot work out why they like the things they like and spend so much time talking about NOTHING.

So, I took the tests AQ, EQ, RDOS and they all suggest Aspie but there's that caveat isn't there? 80% of responders who achieve a score of 32 or more are likely Aspie (for the AQ?) but is it possible to have so many of the attributes but be in the 20% who are not? What is wrong with me if I am NT? That thought is even worse.

So I have to see my psychiatrist again on Sept. 17th when she says we'll wrap things up then... but I know don't have social anxiety disorder. I read their forums and it's just not me. I know this is a long, long post but I feel a little desperate. I don't feel part of their world. I feel part of my partner's multiverse. She says she can't really recognise the core aspie in me but after reading her my diaries she can see it a bit more. What interests me though is that if autism is a spectrum...can one person ticking every box on the spectrum (mixed metaphor I know) actually misrecognise another or is there really very much a core Aspie profile despite all the spectrum talk?

Any thoughts? Anyone? Help!!!!

Professionals in mental health teams vary immensely. I had a superb social worker for two years (sadly she transferred to children's services - all the best people seem to leave.  Although she was not an 'autism expert', she understood my condition, was sympathetic and was willing to learn. She knew that I hate change, need things spelled out, get anxious easily, and she put me at ease. She was in fact very young, probably only in her mid 20s, and had only recently left University.

However, before seeing the social worker, I had a really negative experience with a community psychiatric nurse. I saw her during a change in my support, when everyone was moving over to self-directed-support and personal budgets. Her whole manner was sour and aloof. She talked down at me, was patronizing and dismissive, and caused me to lose my temper and break down in tears in the office - she just walked out, no reassurance, nothing. Thankfully, after complaining, I transferred over to the aforementioned social worker.

I have recently been transferred to another CPN because a new social worker won't replace the one who has left until the Autumn. If I don't get on with the CPN, I can see the new social worker instead. Things did not get off to a great start when the CPN cancelled an appointment at very short notice on Tuesday, at 11.30am. I was due to see her at 3pm. She did not explain WHY the appointment was cancelled, so I phoned the clinic in some distress. I was told she was off ill. If she had explained this I would not be so upset as I would have had a reason. I would also have not been so upset if she had phoned at 9am, but apparently many of her clients (with severe mental illness, I presume) don't get up till 11.30am. In many ways I prefer social workers because I feel they see the whole person, and I do not have a mental illness, I have Asperger's syndrome and some OCD, but I don't think I am ill.

Hey, Some One, I completely agree. To be totally honest, I'm not sure what credentials/experience the woman I saw actually had. I don't know if he was a psychiatrist, a psychologist, just another doctor or anything. 

She did mention that there's only one person at the centre who actually diagnoses AS, but didn't say anything about referring me to them and getting me an appointment. It was very much as if she made up her mind there and then.

I also noticed when writing out my notes she had a book next to them she kept referring to before asking me questions. That didn't really help with putting any faith in her. This may just be a stereotypical thing, but she was also rather young, no later than her early 30's. I'd just have expected someone with more experience in the area as you said.

I think I'll certainly talk to my GP again about seeing someone else.

hey there dave

was this person a specialist in autism? do they have any credentials for it? have they diagnosed before ? how many times?

if the answer to these is no, then this person wasnt the right person to diagnose, or not diagnose you

a mental health proffessional isnt the right person IF they have no experience in autism , and only know what they have been told or see written down and decide you dont fit the critera

the only person who can properly diagnose you and take everything into account is a specialist in autism/aspergers/developmental disorders ,

these are not mental health issues they are biological ones, so it doesnt surprise me a mental health person cant diagnose or doesnt understand it

any person who says 'you socialise well,' doesnt understand autism and has no right to diagnose or not diagnose

you need to find an autistic centre or specialist near you, or if you need to travel to find one,

but they are the only people who can diagnose you,

you will probbaly get the run around for years from the 'mental health' system onthis issue, because they dont undrstand it and the think 'everyone thinks they have autism' so they might pass you off as that, (and having just read your other comment i can say that IS what it is, given that she spent more time trying to convince you not to go any further with this issue for various 'reasons')

talk to your gp about autism and a specialist in diagnosing it, another psycologist is fine IF they also have or are  experienced in autism/developmental disorders

there is a procedure, you ask your gp to follow that, they send you to a specific person , psychology isnt the right area , it needs to be an autism specific appointment

having been asked to go to my partners diagnose appointments i know the specialists ask you a lot more than 'do you socialise', and you can discuss anything you feel is appropriate to the diagnosis, they ask your family/parent to go along and help understand your childhood, they way you are now etc

i can tell you they dont diagnose based on a 20 min interview, my partner saw them at least twice , once on his own, and then with us

go back to your gp, and ask for the procedure to diagnose autism, you dont want to 'see a 'psycholgist', you want to see someone who has experience with this issue and who diagnoses and follows the diagnostic procedure 

hi Dave V + Hope - when looking at some of the posts something occured to me.  Certain situations are easier for you to cope with because you know what's expected.  Other situations are more difficult.  A lot of people who aren't on the spectrum tend to do the same things in that they suss out how they're supposed to behave and then behave as expected, especially in more formal situations.  They work out the rules.  This could be seen as "putting on a front" in that you don't show the real person to others.  A doctor who doesn't know much about ASD may be unaware of this "front" and take things at "face value".  So a dr who is knowledgeable about ASD is vital or you could spend a lot of time, energy and emotion without getting any further on.  Some NHS Trusts have psychs who are knowledgeable about autism.  They tend to be in the Trust's Learning Disabilities Dept, because that's where they or the NHS thinks they should be.  Of course mental health, learning disabilities and autism can all overlap, so it's a rather false separation, department-wise.  It would be worthwhile, in my opinion, seeking out one of these doctors.   Not because of the learning disability label, but because they also know about ASD

Hope said:

Socially, I can put on an extremely good act in professional situations, where I have a clear role, know what is expected of me, and where it is part of my routine: volunteering at Age UK on the till, for example, or interacting with my support worker or a doctor. At home it is another matter. My parents see the  most severe side of my Asperger's syndrome because I can only keep up the act for so long.

This is very much like myself. My family definitely get the full brunt of things, especially my problems with anger. Much like yourself though, I can put on a decent act in more professional situations, especially when someone is asking a question about something that has factually happened in the past.

Job interviews are one of the few professional situations I really struggle to keep up that act though. Any question which is more open-ended, opinionated or about me as a person I find very difficult to answer. Even things as simple as a favourite band or something. 

I did consider having my mum with me for the appointments, but I also know she's extremely skeptical about things and so I'm not sure whether it'd be more of a hinderance than a help.

I too have no real friends. Anyone I know, I know online. Generally through playing the same games, or browsing forums etc. Because of that, we have a middle ground of a topic to talk about. Add to that the fact that when typing people don't generally expect an instantaneous answer as they do in person. There's no facial expressions to take into account and such. Of course, if things do become too much or awkward, it's very easy to end the conversation.

I've only had one real relationship, with someone I met online, though it only lasted about 6 months. One of the main problems being my awkwardness with personal contact. I think I said earlier I'm not even able to hug my mum or anything, that of course is very damaging to a relationship.

It really helps to see how other people do have very similar characteristics and problems as myself though. I was feeling quite down yesterday after seeing the doctor just because of how dismissive she was, I almost felt stupid for even suggesting I might have AS. I think now I will turn up prepared next time though, making sure to write down a detailed list of all my characteristics and example of how they affect me which might make things a little clearer.

This is why it is so important to see an autism expert who can ask the right questions, test your abilities and work out if you are on the spectrum as well as any co-existing conditions you may also have.

How you are in a one to one situation where the rules are clear, can be very different to how you cope in other  social situations. A whole developmental history should be taken, and ideally it would benefit you immensely if your parents could provide information.

Socially, I can put on an extremely good act in professional situations, where I have a clear role, know what is expected of me, and where it is part of my routine: volunteering at Age UK on the till, for example, or interacting with my support worker or a doctor. At home it is another matter. My parents see the  most severe side of my Asperger's syndrome because I can only keep up the act for so long.

I have no real friends who are my age, or any real friends for that matter, apart from one girl who was nice to me at school - I see her just once a year, but this is better than nothing. I would like a relationship, but at the same time I don't know how I would cope because I am very self-centred, and I will admit that I am VERY demanding and have to do everything on my own terms.

I can control myself a lot better than when I was young.  I had no self-awareness as a child, but I am now very self-aware. It is a myth that people with AS can't  have insight into their condition!However, I often struggle to understand quite how I feel, although I know when I feel exhausted and stressed or anxious. I can have explosive tantrums and crying fits, but once I have calmed down ,I am fine again very quickly. Luckily I have so far avoided depression, but I have constant anxiety and intrusive thoughts about disease, dying, contamination etc.

Just reading what you've written there Hope bears lots of likenesses to myself. For years I've suspected I was 'different' so to say, but I never really looked into things because I thought it was just me and there wasn't much that could be done. I did well in terms of my education at school, despite being extremely anti-social and so nobody else really questioned things. 

Through my later years in school, predominantly A levels, I started to feel that it wasn't right. I saw something on TV about Aspergers and it seemed very similar to myself, so I looked into it. I spoke to a few people I know online who have it, or have children/friends who are diagnosed. All of these people said it's highly likely I could have AS, just through conversations they'd had with me over time. 

Looking back over what you've written, a fairly large amount of those characteristics also apply to myself. I can't speak much of when I was very young, but I know I didn't really have many friends. I found it hard relating to and playing with other children, especially with anything involving imagination - role-playing etc. I was fascinated with how things worked. If any electrical devices stopped working, I always wanted to pull them apart and look at the insides before they were disposed of.

I was extremely anxious as a child, school trips, PE lessons, being called to see teachers, any extra curricular activities etc. All would make me physically sick. I distinctly remember missing the last few weeks of my last year in primary school due to constantly being sick due to anxiety, I was just told to go home and not come back.

Throughout highschool I never had any friends, I didn't go out, didn't do parties or anything. During this time my sleep patterns and routine became rather obscure, often going to school on only a couple of hours sleep. When I left school I worked at Tesco for a very brief period in 2010, obviously that's a very 'people focused' environment and dealing with customers was something I couldn't cope with and I quit. SInce then I've been unemployed.

I know this is a bit out of order as I describe things, but I find it difficult to express it all and put it into words so I'm just writing as it comes to me. I have always had a terrible problem with eating for as long as I can remember. Certain smells of foods used to make me physically wretch and be sick. So much so that just thinking of them as I type this is making me wretch. As a result of this I only really eat a variation of maybe 4 different 'main meals'. 

Sitting still has always been difficult too. I'm constantly tapping my fingers or feet, or fiddling with something. I remember the entire time at school my legs would constantly be shaking up and down and I'd be twirling a pen between my fingers almost constantly.

Being immature is something I can relate to, and people often find me rather offensive. I never mean to offend people as such, but the things I say I don't see as 'wrong'. The very few 'friends' I have, all of which are online, are merely people who are used to me insulting them and understand that's just how I am, as weird as that may sound.

In terms of sensory issues, I guess the smells of food can come under that. I also have problems with certain lights, normally the kind of flourescent lights used in public buildings. These often result in bad headaches for myself if I'm in a building with them for a prolonged time. This wasn't so bad at school as a lot of lights were broken haha, but I can think of many times I've been out shopping and have come home with a banging headache from the lights in some stores.

In the wider social side of things, I find almost everything awkward. Talking on the phone is near impossible for me in terms of a 'social conversation'. If I'm calling a company about something, say a problem with a product I ordered, then I can do this because it's a definitive kind of thing. When it comes to small talk and having a conversation though, I find it very difficult. People that have managed to get more then a simple yes or no out of me often say that all I do is ask questions. They also say that it gets extremely infuriating. That's how I perceive conversation though, I like information so I constantly ask things.

I'm also very awkward with any physical contact. I can't even hug my own parents, a hand-shake is just about bearable. I just find that sort of physical closeness really awkward and I can't be in those kind of situations.

With the topic of OCD, I'm very particular about having things in order. All CD's, DVD's, video games etc. are all ordered in certain ways on shelves and nothing can ever be out of place. I also know where everything is on my desk and in my room as a whole. When I was younger and my mum used to clean my room for me, I would know when something had been moved a matter of centimetres on my desk and it'd drive my crazy and we'd end up in confrontation because of it. In terms of cleanliness, I'm not too bad as long as I know where something has been as such. I can't deal with touching something that I think could be dirty/unclean.

I'm also rather paranoid in public, with transport and such. I'll always have my ipod in, playing music at the top volume to shut out any outside noise form the world completely. Then if walking somewhere, I'll be walking as fast as I can, watching everyone around me and continually looking over my shoulder. Anyone corssing the road towards me will cause me to speed up or walk in a different direction, similarly to anyone walking up behind me.

I also have very bad problems with anger, when I was younger I had amny tantrums over silly things. As I've gotten older, they've gotten more violent. I've punched holes in doors, smashed things etc. It's extremely difficult for me to explain why I 'blow up' as such, but there's always reason behind it. That leads on quite well to not being able to understand/express my emotions well though. If someone asks me a definitive question, I can answer it fine. However, if someone asks me an opinionated question, or I try and explain how I feel about something, or why I feel the way I do I draw a blank. I try my hardest, but it's like the words just aren't there and I just freeze up and can't explain it.

I think that just about covers everything, I can't think of anything more off the top of my head, but there probably are some other things. The woman I saw today said she didn't feel I had AS because I expressed myself very well, and I think I do do quite a good job of explaining my troubles as listed above. But I don't feel explaining something like this pertains to anything of how I am in a social environment. Adding to that the fact she completely disregarded a lot of my points, and only looked into the social side of things which is where she reached her conclusion of social anxiety. Obviously, as you said, AS encompasses much more than just the social issues.

Anyway, I think that's just about detailed enough! :)

As you are probably also aware, AS begins in very early childhood. You are of course born with it, but the symptoms often don't manifest themselves until age 3/4.

My Mum observed these traits in me (yours might be different, as no two people with AS are the same, but we all share the so called triad of impairments - communication, interaction, THeory of mind (I prefer this to 'imagination'):

Walking on tiptoes when not wearing shoes, or when wearing plimsoles in PE lessons

Poor manual dexterity - health visitor was concerned that I could not build a tpwer out of plastic bricks age 18 months

Excessive giggling. apparently for no reason

Extreme tantrums when I could not get my way

Hyperactive - very energetic

Never sat still during reading time at nursery

Narrow interests around food - was all I talked about

Made one friend at school when age 7, but constantly broke up with her, long periods alone in playground

OCD developed around germs and safety. Excessive hand washing from age 7

Fear of school fire alarm in year 1: thought the school would burn down every time it went off

Excellent reading ability, but extremely poor comprehension

Ed Psych called in to assess me. Had very low performance IQ, but very high verbal IQ

I was immature and often annoyed the other kids

However, I had no real sensory problems to speak of (except maybe with some noise and I did have coordination issues). Also, I could pretend play to an extent and could tell some little lies. But I had enough clinically significant symptoms to be diagnosed with Aspergers, and this best fits my whole development.

Out of interest, how long have you suspected AS?

Hi Dave,

It can be very difficult getting a diagnosis and it is often a very long process. I have been through ths process myself, and I was diagnosed in 2009.

I got referred to the mental health team by my GP for OCD and multiple anxieties/phobias, particularly around contamination.

First of all I saw a Psychologist. I told the psychologist about my life long problems making friends, fitting in etc. She told me this is all because of my OCD. But I knew it was not just because of OCD, because right from a very young age (since preschool) my parents knew I was not a typical child. My parents themselves strongly suspected I had AS. So I asked for a referral to a psychiatrist, a very old psychiatrist who was on the verge of retiring. She claimed I could not possibly have AS because I 'interacted too well', and she diagnosed me with social anxiety and 'neurosis', a strangely old-fashioned label. She never asked me about why I thought I had AS at all during the whole interview.

I asked for a second opinion. The next psychiatrist thought it was possible I had AS, but could not diagnose me as he was not qualified to do so. But he took a life history, wrote it all down, and referred to to the NHS adult autism diagnostic centre.

I waited just over a year until I was seen by the centre. I saw sveral different autism professionals and my parents were behind me all the way. I provided an old Ed Psych report from when I was 10, which was highly indicative of Asperger's syndrome, and recommended a statement of SEN, but this was not followed through by the school.

I was finally diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome and got the vital support I needed from specialist support workers. I have since come a long way, am more confident, and less afraid of many things, although I still have a degree of OCD and still get very anxious from time to time.

So you just have to really fight to be heard I am afraid.