Just had my first appointment, need some help.

To begin with my username comes from an Edgar Allan Poe story which sums up my life.

The backstory is that I diagnosed my partner with AS over seven years ago and after a lot of cajoling she got her diagnosis two and a half years ago with no difficulties. Thinking about her lifestory I began to see patterns in my own which made me think perhaps AS describes all the difficulties I've had ever since I can remember. My GP, a really understanding fellow, referred me without a murmur three months ago but after what I thought had been a really positive interview at the psychiatrist's I found out from my GP that apparently 'I have a propensity to dramatise' and a 'social anxiety disorder'. This is not me at all. Believe me.

My problem is that if I were an Aspie I realise I would be somewhat atypical. I was popular at school in a way, I was fast so I was good at football, rugby, and sprinting, and I had no trouble attracting girls (though I couldn't actually speak to them), or making friends. However it was all a big act. All the time. Where I grew up first, we were the rich family surrounded by council houses, and I never had to make an effort to make friends as the local boys always wanted to play with me because we had so much stuff. I also used to give them all my sweets but I only ever felt myself when I was alone and I used to hide away in a cupboard to get away from everyone. I was also very dreamy as a child, always zoning out, sometimes coming home from school early because I lost track of time (it never occurred to me where everyone else was..) My obsessions around this time were with Spiderman and this dice-football game called LogActa. I would play this for hours on end.

When we moved town when I was 9 I changed quite a lot and got caught up in a lot of vandalism (in a village of 300 people!) and about this time I realised that I didn't really need anyone else and spent a lot of time alone. Our family was still very popular but again, as we were well-off, I became everybody's friend without really trying because we had a football, cricket bat, tennis rackets, subbuteo etc.. I always felt a high degree of alienation from everyone but I thought it was because we were well-off but I now remember not really understanding what people were talking about and I would often say things that had no relation to what they were saying but I couldn't work out why.

There seems to be a pattern of being co-opted as a friend, even at Law School (I didn't last...) a few years back when people would come up and introduce themselves, but they would often quite quickly back off when they saw how 'weird' and asocial I was. Anyway secondary school was OK but I had agonies of self-consciousness and realised that I was always a 'copier', never an initiator. I always felt (and feel) like I had to sit back, observe, learn the 'language' of the people around me as best I could, and then just copy what I saw and heard. But it's always just an act. Part of socialising often means telling stories about oneself but it was made clear to me that what I used to relate made no sense. I had such a clear idea in my head that I would describe a little of what I saw and just expect everyone else to see it too. So then I went to the other extreme and my stories would become lengthy rambling pointless exercises and I would often forget the point along the way. However at school I was never considered that odd because if you can talk the language of pop music, girls, and sport then boys' conversation is so limited that it was easy to get along. However my fake persona got worse because I could never discover why what everyone thought was funny was so. I just used to laugh, repeat the bit they found funny and so on.

However, when I left school my world fell apart. There was no structure to my day anymore, there were no jobs in 1984, and being on my own all the time, I just retreated into myself and got lost in the world of books. I was never very techie (despite loving science at primary school) but I could spend all day reading (all day, 16 hours) and just zone out all day. This to me was life, living that other world (however I have crashed cars three times zoning out and had near misses countless times). It's not structure that bothers me but I just want to do the same thing all day long, every day without change. My meals are pretty strictly regulated as I only eat about three different types of food. I have a few OCD elements. I hate social chit-chat and always have. I get peopled-out but not to the degree of my partner's exhaustion. I am anxious all the time and always have been. I have obsessions that are all-consuming (it used to be Peak Oil, it's corrupt finance at the moment). I read faces quite well I think but I recently found some old diaries from the 80s and I seem to spend a lot of time wondering what people's expressions mean without ever getting round to asking straight questions to get straight answers. I do have and have always had quick-onset anger issues, hyper-sensitivity to criticism, clothing sensitivity, a kind of mind-fogginess at times when I can barely speak but looking back I don't think I've initiated anything in my life ever. I seem to get co-opted a lot into things but I've also had my trust abused so many times I get paranoid easily. The main thing is I don't feel like I belong to that other race of people, the NTs. I literally cannot work out why they like the things they like and spend so much time talking about NOTHING.

So, I took the tests AQ, EQ, RDOS and they all suggest Aspie but there's that caveat isn't there? 80% of responders who achieve a score of 32 or more are likely Aspie (for the AQ?) but is it possible to have so many of the attributes but be in the 20% who are not? What is wrong with me if I am NT? That thought is even worse.

So I have to see my psychiatrist again on Sept. 17th when she says we'll wrap things up then... but I know don't have social anxiety disorder. I read their forums and it's just not me. I know this is a long, long post but I feel a little desperate. I don't feel part of their world. I feel part of my partner's multiverse. She says she can't really recognise the core aspie in me but after reading her my diaries she can see it a bit more. What interests me though is that if autism is a spectrum...can one person ticking every box on the spectrum (mixed metaphor I know) actually misrecognise another or is there really very much a core Aspie profile despite all the spectrum talk?

Any thoughts? Anyone? Help!!!!

To begin with my username comes from an Edgar Allan Poe story which sums up my life.

The backstory is that I diagnosed my partner with AS over seven years ago and after a lot of cajoling she got her diagnosis two and a half years ago with no difficulties. Thinking about her lifestory I began to see patterns in my own which made me think perhaps AS describes all the difficulties I've had ever since I can remember. My GP, a really understanding fellow, referred me without a murmur three months ago but after what I thought had been a really positive interview at the psychiatrist's I found out from my GP that apparently 'I have a propensity to dramatise' and a 'social anxiety disorder'. This is not me at all. Believe me.

My problem is that if I were an Aspie I realise I would be somewhat atypical. I was popular at school in a way, I was fast so I was good at football, rugby, and sprinting, and I had no trouble attracting girls (though I couldn't actually speak to them), or making friends. However it was all a big act. All the time. Where I grew up first, we were the rich family surrounded by council houses, and I never had to make an effort to make friends as the local boys always wanted to play with me because we had so much stuff. I also used to give them all my sweets but I only ever felt myself when I was alone and I used to hide away in a cupboard to get away from everyone. I was also very dreamy as a child, always zoning out, sometimes coming home from school early because I lost track of time (it never occurred to me where everyone else was..) My obsessions around this time were with Spiderman and this dice-football game called LogActa. I would play this for hours on end.

When we moved town when I was 9 I changed quite a lot and got caught up in a lot of vandalism (in a village of 300 people!) and about this time I realised that I didn't really need anyone else and spent a lot of time alone. Our family was still very popular but again, as we were well-off, I became everybody's friend without really trying because we had a football, cricket bat, tennis rackets, subbuteo etc.. I always felt a high degree of alienation from everyone but I thought it was because we were well-off but I now remember not really understanding what people were talking about and I would often say things that had no relation to what they were saying but I couldn't work out why.

There seems to be a pattern of being co-opted as a friend, even at Law School (I didn't last...) a few years back when people would come up and introduce themselves, but they would often quite quickly back off when they saw how 'weird' and asocial I was. Anyway secondary school was OK but I had agonies of self-consciousness and realised that I was always a 'copier', never an initiator. I always felt (and feel) like I had to sit back, observe, learn the 'language' of the people around me as best I could, and then just copy what I saw and heard. But it's always just an act. Part of socialising often means telling stories about oneself but it was made clear to me that what I used to relate made no sense. I had such a clear idea in my head that I would describe a little of what I saw and just expect everyone else to see it too. So then I went to the other extreme and my stories would become lengthy rambling pointless exercises and I would often forget the point along the way. However at school I was never considered that odd because if you can talk the language of pop music, girls, and sport then boys' conversation is so limited that it was easy to get along. However my fake persona got worse because I could never discover why what everyone thought was funny was so. I just used to laugh, repeat the bit they found funny and so on.

However, when I left school my world fell apart. There was no structure to my day anymore, there were no jobs in 1984, and being on my own all the time, I just retreated into myself and got lost in the world of books. I was never very techie (despite loving science at primary school) but I could spend all day reading (all day, 16 hours) and just zone out all day. This to me was life, living that other world (however I have crashed cars three times zoning out and had near misses countless times). It's not structure that bothers me but I just want to do the same thing all day long, every day without change. My meals are pretty strictly regulated as I only eat about three different types of food. I have a few OCD elements. I hate social chit-chat and always have. I get peopled-out but not to the degree of my partner's exhaustion. I am anxious all the time and always have been. I have obsessions that are all-consuming (it used to be Peak Oil, it's corrupt finance at the moment). I read faces quite well I think but I recently found some old diaries from the 80s and I seem to spend a lot of time wondering what people's expressions mean without ever getting round to asking straight questions to get straight answers. I do have and have always had quick-onset anger issues, hyper-sensitivity to criticism, clothing sensitivity, a kind of mind-fogginess at times when I can barely speak but looking back I don't think I've initiated anything in my life ever. I seem to get co-opted a lot into things but I've also had my trust abused so many times I get paranoid easily. The main thing is I don't feel like I belong to that other race of people, the NTs. I literally cannot work out why they like the things they like and spend so much time talking about NOTHING.

So, I took the tests AQ, EQ, RDOS and they all suggest Aspie but there's that caveat isn't there? 80% of responders who achieve a score of 32 or more are likely Aspie (for the AQ?) but is it possible to have so many of the attributes but be in the 20% who are not? What is wrong with me if I am NT? That thought is even worse.

So I have to see my psychiatrist again on Sept. 17th when she says we'll wrap things up then... but I know don't have social anxiety disorder. I read their forums and it's just not me. I know this is a long, long post but I feel a little desperate. I don't feel part of their world. I feel part of my partner's multiverse. She says she can't really recognise the core aspie in me but after reading her my diaries she can see it a bit more. What interests me though is that if autism is a spectrum...can one person ticking every box on the spectrum (mixed metaphor I know) actually misrecognise another or is there really very much a core Aspie profile despite all the spectrum talk?

Any thoughts? Anyone? Help!!!!