Changes To Your Autism Over Time

Hi Maia

That'unfortunate, Im sorry to hear. How do you work around that? Similar things have happened me I think but on a lesser scale it sounds. It's good to hear your perspective.

Hi Maia

That'unfortunate, Im sorry to hear. How do you work around that? Similar things have happened me I think but on a lesser scale it sounds. It's good to hear your perspective.

Hi normalish

Well I can relate to you. Working situation wise I hate being an employee doing shift work, I feel exactly how you say in every job ive done - soul destroying. I am now self employed but getting to a full time sustainable level is hard. Despite still having to work with some people you dont want to, you do get ti work with people you do want to. Not having to wait until a certain time to go home is great and booking clients allows me time to organise myself and plan the day around that, taking into account how I feel too! It allows me to do a job I like (sports technology product development) which is a big plus. And I know what you mean about giving up and going on the dole but yet being proud of working. Im like that too. Finding a job u enjoy (although that can be difficult, is key).

When I used to work as employee full time on shifts I felt id no time to breathe, I wasnt living my life and I was rotting away like a robot elf making toys all year in santas workshop. It was horrible and I ended up shutting down functionally in work. I was in a trance for days until a day off (so around 7-10days trance) and I used my days off to recover.

Energy motivation and consideration and just like you they are gone while I drag myself from stress to stress simply seeking bedtime.

A big challenge is that my partner asks me to talk about things while Isuggestt I need time and space to myself sometimes. This gets rejected and that makes things more difficult because then if theres an argument or im upset im going to go for a run or a drive with no explanation and no feeling of comfort to go to in my own home. 

I also feel something must give. Things cant go on like this. Its horrible. I hope you find the way to peace in your life.

Hi Abe the first

It's good to know I am not alone. Youre exactly right, we have trouble with the rules, yet criticism comes our way if we don't meet them. It's all good and well people trying to support you when you have aspergers, but in my opinion, they forget (even though they know) that its a spectrum and that makes feel horrible. With social media being so widespread now, I have learned a lot over the years, the less you post on it, the better usually (because I dont know how to interact correctly nevermind on a platform with a papertrail. It is this papertrail that really sucks the life and confidence out of me. Things from years ago get brought up, and yes I feel embarrassed or dont remember but I cant believe its a thing some 5-8 years later.

Anxiety/depression is horrible so I hope you find peace with yourself. 

It is hard to avoid work to be fair to you. Survival comes first unfortunately. But it doesn't help and it can make life so difficult at times. Im self employed now which is helping (although tough, but more pros than cons vs being an employee).

You know I also 'ostrich' myself. I dont feel I can make the expectation of those close to me so I prefer the simple life. I like 'usual' days and as such I now prefer it now to be an event of the year such as Christmas (which I used to enjoy) or Halloween or valentines day. It involves doing things out of my comfort zone and with people and I now find it not so nice because of how I feel. Even Sundays are strange and annoying to me because while its a slower more take it easy day, things operate properly, like they do any other day. Weird I know. 

Banjo's Backpack said:

It's not just a feeling, it's back to the failing of functions again. I feel I just can't cope in that surrounding anymore, even though I once very much enjoyed it. 

I am now rather worried about my future. I like my own time and own space during the day, but I seem to be needing more and more of it. Working a full time job is so difficult, I didn't even see it come. I just stop functioning properly, and I can feel it is autism.

I feel like I understood the world back in around 2007-8. Now I feel I haven't a clue how things work anymore. I nearly feel I didn't realise how much I am effected by it. Now it really is effecting me.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? A worsening of autism, so to speak, as years go by?

Banjo's Backpack said:

Hi Recombinantsocks

That makes sense, thank you. Although, I don't regret my black and white thinking of the past, I think the future will be more difficult. I am now afraid that what I think might make me happy, won't and what i think won't make me happy, may do.

I think I am in a bad place. Sometimes I feel angry because of people. That anger can last for a long time for me. I thought I understood the world when I was just turning into an adult, now I don't. I am nearly losing my own identity of how I see myself because of how I feel.

Smiling at other people is something I don't enjoy doing. It brings questions from other people and I don't want the hassle from people close to me.

I see what you mean by losing a sense of what is sensible to think, although I never feel hopeless or care about feeling normal. I am not sure if that's a good or bad thing.

Nice to hear your experience. Hopefully I find a way out of this.

I pretty much feel all of that, I also have felt that I don't trust my judgement anymore.

I try to follow the rules at all costs, but when we don’t know what the rules are, it makes this impossible.

In terms of your post on this thread, I so agree, I have felt things get much worse for me due to anxiety/depression over the past couple of years.

From being able to function perfectly adequately to now being very much being an “ostrich” just to cope. By doing this I try to protect myself from things in case someone annoys me or things going wrong, I have become even more risk averse and as such don’t do much anymore.

Saying that I still go to work.

Hi Recombinantsocks

That makes sense, thank you. Although, I don't regret my black and white thinking of the past, I think the future will be more difficult. I am now afraid that what I think might make me happy, won't and what i think won't make me happy, may do.

I think I am in a bad place. Sometimes I feel angry because of people. That anger can last for a long time for me. I thought I understood the world when I was just turning into an adult, now I don't. I am nearly losing my own identity of how I see myself because of how I feel.

Smiling at other people is something I don't enjoy doing. It brings questions from other people and I don't want the hassle from people close to me.

I see what you mean by losing a sense of what is sensible to think, although I never feel hopeless or care about feeling normal. I am not sure if that's a good or bad thing.

Nice to hear your experience. Hopefully I find a way out of this.

Hi BB

Our minds can try and hold lots of thoughts and ideas at once. Out of the all of the positive and negative ideas you try and make sense of it and come to a balanced view of the world. Black and white thinking, which is a common cause of lots of mental issues, can make it harder to come to a sensible opinion about something and we can then fall into a state of being overwhelmed and depressed.

One of the issues is that, when we get into this state, we do things that are non sensical. e.g. you might cut yourself off from a friend or family member. This can make the situation worse and you fall down a downward spiral into more isolation and more extreme thinking. Being less tolerant might be a sign that you are in a bad place and need to take some action to recover.

Being nice to yourself is a good place to start. Get some peace and quiet, read a book, go for a walk etc but then try and talk to someone and realise that everyone goes through similar patches and that life can be dull or miserable or boring or hopeless at times but that we can all find things to achieve to make us happy.

Being nice to other people can have a payback of a smile or something else in return. It can trigger a reversal of a downward spiral and lead you to a better place.

The isolation that often comes with autism can lead us to lose a sense of what is sensible to think. Getting feedback and studying what other people do and how they muddle on with their lives can help you feel less hopeless and more normal.

These are just my ideas from experience and some reading, pick and choose what you agree with. Try and understand that you have more choice in your life than you might think and try and realise that everyday choices can have a bearing on what you do next and how you feel.

Thanks Recombinantsocks

I do, which is even more worrying in a way, that's why i never thought it might be depression or anxiety. Can you be positive but be depressed? To be honest, it would kind of make sense even though on paper it doesn't. Unfortunately at the moment, i feel i can't really cope with how things are, but im trying to find a way to change that (which is really difficult but i do anyway). What do you do if you like a situation but you don't like the effect the situation is having on you?

The way you say being nice to people is interesting. I feel when I am in these situations, that I focus on making myself feel better, but I block out the rest of the world, and I don't care for anyone else. I simply don't want to interact with anyone (I don't mind that either). Basically, I am getting less tolerant with people, even those I love because I can think pretty black and white, even though I love a person in my life, if they are negative enough, I axe them from it. As an extension, if anyone is negative in my life (family, friends, people I don't really know but haven't been nice), I pretty much elminate them from it. I am not sure that's healthy or not.

Hi BBP,

It sounds as though you have a healthy attitude to things. Thinking positive is good - I came across Valerie Gaus' book http://www.amazon.co.uk/Living-Well-Spectrum-Challenges-High-Functioning/dp/1606236342 when I first suspected I had autism. The book confirmed my suspicions (I subsequently got diagnosed too) but also encouraged a positive approach together with practical things to do that can help you deal with the condition.

I think people should be aware of their mental state of mind in the same way that we pay attention to our physical health. It is normal to have physical problems, coughs and colds and worse but we should also pay attention to our mood/mental health and take action to deal with problems when they arise in that department. I am much more aware now of whether I am up or down and that if I am feeling down/slow/overwhelmed then that it is usually a short term thing that will resolve if I make an effort to be nice to myself and other people.

Hi Recombinantsocks

You know from yourself and Longman saying that, I think that could be true, but it also gives me a bit of a reaction now to get out of it if it is true, so thank you. I feel a bit overwhelmed by things sometimes lately, where as I never have before. It actually helps already that you's have said that, and honestly I have said to the doctor and I am waiting to speak to a specialist regarding it (those waits are long though).

Drugs are always a last resort for me. I always try to eat good, exercise and relax doing things I enjoy when I feel like that (although it is difficult to even do that at times to be fair, but I give myself that aim if I can't too).

Anxiety more than depression is something I never considered. Thank you guys a lot, I really appreciate your help, and I will follow it up.

You're right, labelling can be harmful so even my closest friends don't know to be honest. A handful of people know, and to be honest I regret that anyone knows at all, although some weren't in my control. I know those people treat me differently, and perhaps unfairly because of it. It is difficult to explain things to people who don't know (for example, if they invite me to go out somewhere, but I wouldn't really feel comfortable such as a pub or nightclub, they'd question it). Honestly though, I wish nobody knew bar one or two people I can really trust that help me with it.

If it makes you feel any better, I was diagnosed 21 years ago, and I haven't figured out everything yet either. Things catch me by surprise, but the comforting thing is that I can 'feel' autism, so that feeling allows me to know that it's ok because it's an autism thing, and it's not because I can but I am not trying sort of thing. I really think that you have to think positive, that it's a good thing. It has pros and cons, but it makes you the person you are, and in my view, I wouldn't have it any other way :)

Hi BB,

I think Longman may be on the right track. Your 'changes' sound like they could be depression and anxiety related. Autism often leads to mental distress and ailments that can benefit from treatment. Treatment for such issues in autistic people should often be counselling and CBT based rather than drug based. Autism itself isn't an illness but it doesn't mean that you can't have mental health issues. Separating what is autism and what is not in onesself (or anyone else) is not straightforward.

Depression, speaking from personal experience, is hard to spot in onesself when first experienced. In hindsight, I can identify periods when I was affected and I am more aware now of when I am "not myself". Anxiety is also hard to understand until experienced.

I would suggest that you go and talk to your GP about your problems and ask for help.

It is interesting to hear what you say about being diagnosed as a child (if I understood you correctly) and then finding out about it later. I think that being labelled can sometimes be harmful and can lead to issues. I'm aware that I am sometimes overreacting and not quite sure what to do as I am often worrying about what to do for the best. I was diagnosed 2 years ago and haven't figured everything out yet.

Thank you Trogluddite. I am new to here sorry. It makes more sense now Longman. Thank you also. I know what you mean and I have taken it onboard. Finding the right person for help is the difficult part. Anyone any advice for how to combat these issues?

OP = Original Poster (i.e. the person who started the conversation; yourself in this case)

Hey Longman,

Could you clarify what you mean by OP? Sorry.

You've made a good point though generally, more needs to be done and I am glad it is getting a bit more media attention. What can we do to gain more support? Especially on areas of the spectrum where the likes of myself appear to be normal with asperger's syndrome, but seem to be misunderstood?

Hey Classic Codger,

Thanks for your reply, that's what I would say I can relate to, the same experience. I wonder how we can combat it? Especially when before, it was easier, although I am not entirely ensure why that was.

I discovered autism through 'feeling' it. I knew I was different to other people and I questioned it at an adolescent age, then finding out that I was diagnosed. I don't know whether it was a good or bad thing not knowing for all those years while others did.

Thankfully, I don't feel weird or loony. I am sure I maybe appear that way to other people, but I don't care what other people think of that. For example, I like things from childhood such as video games which are seen as childish to a lot of people now. But I couldn't care less because I enjoy it and it helps me to escape.

Thanks for your advice and support though. Any ideas how you approached things as it got more difficult? I looked into the likes of DLA, even though I really didn't want it, turns out I don't seem eligible, apparently my condition isn't debilitating enough. I thought that might allow me some sort of leeway from the financial pressures that lead to the situations that the functioning problems occur in, therefore causing more problems through financial restrictions because it is difficult to work for extended hours a week.

Just be aware that what OP describes could be explained by depression or some viral infections or chronic fatigue syndrome, or medical conditions like coeliac disease or anaemia.

It is not clear whether OP is diagnosed autistic spectrum or merely trying to identify with autism as a cause. Aside from the autism diagnosis issue OP is describing known medical symptoms, and should see a doctor - perhaps independently from asking about autism diagnosis.

This forum isn't appropriate for medical advice so my comments are an attempt to help without the necessary background.

However OP is very team sport active, and autism tends to make it very hard to engage in team sports because of the body coordination and social engagement factors.

There needs to be somewhere people can readily go to to ask questions like this. The forum can help directly with autism experiences and common ground, but it points to the lack of real help for many people experiencing worrying life changes.

Hello

Yes, everything you say is true. For me, it reached the point where attempting to go to work was so draining that I'd be dragging myself around all day like I was on drugs or something. Bare function, no interest, only just completing the minimum functions, and those on automatic, and home again feeling not just like a flat battery, but one so badly drained and damaged that it could never be recharged.

As the years go by, your experience of this repeats itself. I liken it to being beaten up - how often do you go through the same old pattern that you KNOW will end in a good beating, before you don't even want to start the process?

You say you 'discovered' autism. What does that mean? I'll assume that you discovered some information about autism and it started to fit with your self-knowledge, but you're not diagnosed.

I would encourage you to get diagnosed. We can help you to present your case. Of course, if you are diagnosed already, you should have said, but no matter, the important thing is that you're here.

Ask away about anything. If you're AS, you're not weird, you're not a 'loony' and you're not mentaly ill. We are very interested in helping you to explore who you are, there is a range of AS people on here, and someone will be able to relate to your feelings, experiences and actions. Fear not, there's nothing to be afraid of but fear itself!

Welcome!