Not recognising when someone likes you

I stopped caring about that in 2000. Never regretted it, life is way more pleasant when you do not care what other people think about you. Just keep a low profile, do not interact with anyone, and nobody will go bothering that "weird loner that sits in the corner and never speaks"

Tulip52 said:

Maybe it has been me and my protective armour! Maybe looking too deep into things? I care a little less than i used to about the small stuff. 

That is a powerful tool in our arsenal of protection, but it keeps out the good as well as the bad.

Learning when take a chance and be vulnerable is a huge step, but one I found to be so rewarding.

I also find just asking "am I misreading the situation or are you interested in me" to be a great filter when I'm unsure. Obviously not something to use in the very early stages but on meeting number 3 or 4 it seems an effective way to make sure we are on the same page.

Its certainly easier to spot as i have got older. I found myself saying ...well i must be nice because they want to be my friend. They must like me if they want to spend time with me. Maybe it has been me and my protective armour! Maybe looking too deep into things? I care a little less than i used to about the small stuff. 

out_of_step said:

brought me to the conclusion that in a lot of interactions, most people are ok with not knowing something for definite. Absolute bonkers.

If you think about it, you don't form a relationship interest on someone just from a quick interaction with them. It takes a degree of to-and-fro'ing like any sort of relationship dance with the occasional offer (eg touch) to see if it brings a corresponding bid (returning the gesture, flicking your hair, gazing into their eyes) etc for the whole game to get to the point of deciding if that relationship is worth going to the first level over.

A degree is true with NT friendships where there is a subliminal negotiation on the go - bids and offers which are fairly easy to spot if you learn what to look for.

As autists we are typically taking in so many streams of information at the same time that we are much more aware of our surroundings then NTs are so it does surprise me that people are not able to add this to what they look for.

I get that some get overwhelmed by the input in general but if you have any bandwidth then with a bit of knowledge it is actually easier to spot than it is for a NT.

Maybe some are reluctant to change the way the interact because they don't do change well or maybe they don't trust their interpritations. I've found it to be a bit like watching a whodunnit TV show - the clues are all there is you are paying attention.

I think it was more childhood stuff at home with me. I did well academically, but struggled with getting things "right" at home, albeit for reasons that probably didn't have much to do with autism.

I think there's a need for things to be right. And that means knowing either way for certain.  A lot of people are vague in their interactions. When someone tapped me on the arm at work during a conversation, I simultaneously thought they were coming onto me and taking the piss out of me. Two extremes! I asked my partner what it meant and he said "no one knows,  and she probably didn't either" which brought me to the conclusion that in a lot of interactions, most people are ok with not knowing something for definite. Absolute bonkers.

Yes, early life influences and experiences including parents, school and so on imo.

I used to think I knew when people liked me, and also when people didn't like me. However, due to what I shall refer to as a recent crisis of confidence, I am now not so sure. 

I wonder whether it starts with school? You spend a long time there and are constantly asked to get things right and it sticks more than it should? I wonder if we all grew up in the wilderness with no pressure if we'd have the same compulsion...

Not really sure, maybe it's black & white thinking to an extent, and high attention to detail, things just need to be 'correct'. I've always been terrified of making mistakes, keeps me awake at night!, I had bad experiences in the past, really harsh severe punishments for the odd innocent mistake. So it stays with you too I guess, on top of having those tendencies anyway.

Hehe thank you  

It certainly does explain why i have felt 'different'. Not in a bad way though. Its just been hard not knowing why. 

Why do you think we are petfectionists? Possibly OCD? 

Hi

Good at the jobs that i have had in particular. I just had to make sure i did it properly, but still never really recognised it enough to feel proud or confident. Baking cakes, lovely cakes, people have complimented on, but i feel nothing. If that makes sense? 

Yes, they are typical, all of them, you're not alone Tulip. And lots of auts are perfectionists.

And anyway, you sound like a lovely person to me

Yes, but I got into trouble years ago (I was about twenty and didn't know I was autistic) thinking I had consciously read body language correctly when I had not. I think parts of body language are subjective and hard to learn, especially around learning sexual interest signals; the same signal can have multiple causes.

This lack of ability to read other people is a big problem for autistics. There seem to be two reactions autistic people make, 1) they  are baffled by interactions, become socially withdrawn and do not allow themselves to become socially or emotionally vulnerable, this results in few friendships and little or no romance, or 2) because they cannot gauge accurately what another person thinks of them through non-verbal signals, become very socially brave, allow themselves to be emotionally vulnerable, accept that rejection might happen, but try to make contact with others, this results in 'knock backs', but also more friendships and a much greater chance of making a romantic connection. I have been both of these types, and the second is preferable.

Tulip52 said:

Most of my life i have never been able to recognise when someone likes me, be it male or female, frienship or romanticly. As i have got older i do recognise this better. Also, i never gave marriage a thought. I just didnt think it applied to me. It was never something i considered. 

I relate to that.

Body language has never registered with me. Trying to work out and process what someone is saying takes all of my focus and attention, as I find it so difficult. I don't think it has got any easier as I've got older but I don't really have any in person social contact nowadays.

As for relationships and marriage I too have always considered that to be something that other people did and it didn't apply to me. Even after being on here and realising that some autistic people can and do have successful relationships I still don't get it 

Tulip52 said:

Most of my life i have never been able to recognise when someone likes me

A quick study of body language will give you the skills to spot the tell tale signs - it is pretty simple and easy to learn.

There is a decent guide here:

https://www.verywellmind.com/understand-body-language-and-facial-expressions-4147228

A lack of knowledge on this is quite common for autists, but is easily remedied.

Tulip52 said:

I also didnt know that i was good at anything

Can you explain what you mean by this please? Do you mean good like being good at solving crossword puzzles, good at planning tasks, good at socialising etc?

Your first paragraph is the story of my life.  I think this is where apparent "lack of confidence" can come from. I've mostly felt confident,  it's just I can't read things in the moment or even know for sure upon reflection. I often can't tell where i fit on the continuum of knowing someone. As such, I've always erred on the side of caution. 

I've learned as ive got older if someone takes their time for you it means they like you. I mean this in terms of friendship. The newest people to come into my life have been straight up which makes life a lot easier. I didn't know I was liked in certain aspects of my job or by my in laws until I was told outright.

It isn't about wanting people to like me. They can take me or leave me. It's always been about understanding a situation and then knowing what I'm working with. A very neurotypical friend once said to me "feelings are usually mutual". I understand more about myself now. I know I'm a likeable person. Now I understand this I can enjoy interactions more.

I certainly can't speak for everyone but I know I have found it hard to work out whether people like me or not. I'm just never sure. It used to play on my mind a lot when I was younger.

I think it's a common experience, yes. 

I didn't realise until I lost all of my friends (cos I did something really stupid) that they genuinely did like me. I kick myself daily for not realising it.

Someone travelling 120 miles just to spend time with me isn't doing so if they didn't want to or they were indifferent towards me at best. Someone isn't telling me they love me if they don't feel that way at that time.

A boss at work isn't telling me that I'm a popular member of the team if I wasn't... you get the gist.

I think I was afraid of admitting it. I didn't want to have an ego and I was afraid it would all disappear.

I think it was really hard to believe unless the person verbalised it clearly. I can't really do hints and they cause more stress than they're worth.

Tulip52 said:

I also didnt know that i was good at anything. I have always given 150%. This of course has been exhausting. If i couldnt do it well, then i wouldnt want to do it. 

I kept putting pressure on myself that everything needs to be better than the last. It wasn't sustainable and I didn't feel any better.

I look at my peers, former colleagues. I feel like I've been left behind cos they've gone on to bigger and better things. That feeling is also exhausting.