Published on 12, July, 2020
Most of my life i have never been able to recognise when someone likes me, be it male or female, frienship or romanticly. As i have got older i do recognise this better. Also, i never gave marriage a thought. I just didnt think it applied to me. It was never something i considered.
I also didnt know that i was good at anything. I have always given 150%. This of course has been exhausting. If i couldnt do it well, then i wouldnt want to do it.
Only in recent years have i recognised these traits. Nothing has changed, except i understand myself better.
Are these typical traits for autistic people? X
Yes, they are typical, all of them, you're not alone Tulip. And lots of auts are perfectionists.
And anyway, you sound like a lovely person to me
Hehe thank you
It certainly does explain why i have felt 'different'. Not in a bad way though. Its just been hard not knowing why.
Why do you think we are petfectionists? Possibly OCD?
Tulip52 said:Maybe it has been me and my protective armour! Maybe looking too deep into things? I care a little less than i used to about the small stuff.
That is a powerful tool in our arsenal of protection, but it keeps out the good as well as the bad.
Learning when take a chance and be vulnerable is a huge step, but one I found to be so rewarding.
I also find just asking "am I misreading the situation or are you interested in me" to be a great filter when I'm unsure. Obviously not something to use in the very early stages but on meeting number 3 or 4 it seems an effective way to make sure we are on the same page.
Its certainly easier to spot as i have got older. I found myself saying ...well i must be nice because they want to be my friend. They must like me if they want to spend time with me. Maybe it has been me and my protective armour! Maybe looking too deep into things? I care a little less than i used to about the small stuff.
out_of_step said: brought me to the conclusion that in a lot of interactions, most people are ok with not knowing something for definite. Absolute bonkers.
If you think about it, you don't form a relationship interest on someone just from a quick interaction with them. It takes a degree of to-and-fro'ing like any sort of relationship dance with the occasional offer (eg touch) to see if it brings a corresponding bid (returning the gesture, flicking your hair, gazing into their eyes) etc for the whole game to get to the point of deciding if that relationship is worth going to the first level over.
A degree is true with NT friendships where there is a subliminal negotiation on the go - bids and offers which are fairly easy to spot if you learn what to look for.
As autists we are typically taking in so many streams of information at the same time that we are much more aware of our surroundings then NTs are so it does surprise me that people are not able to add this to what they look for.
I get that some get overwhelmed by the input in general but if you have any bandwidth then with a bit of knowledge it is actually easier to spot than it is for a NT.
Maybe some are reluctant to change the way the interact because they don't do change well or maybe they don't trust their interpritations. I've found it to be a bit like watching a whodunnit TV show - the clues are all there is you are paying attention.
I think it was more childhood stuff at home with me. I did well academically, but struggled with getting things "right" at home, albeit for reasons that probably didn't have much to do with autism.
I think there's a need for things to be right. And that means knowing either way for certain. A lot of people are vague in their interactions. When someone tapped me on the arm at work during a conversation, I simultaneously thought they were coming onto me and taking the piss out of me. Two extremes! I asked my partner what it meant and he said "no one knows, and she probably didn't either" which brought me to the conclusion that in a lot of interactions, most people are ok with not knowing something for definite. Absolute bonkers.
Yes, early life influences and experiences including parents, school and so on imo.
I wonder whether it starts with school? You spend a long time there and are constantly asked to get things right and it sticks more than it should? I wonder if we all grew up in the wilderness with no pressure if we'd have the same compulsion...
Not really sure, maybe it's black & white thinking to an extent, and high attention to detail, things just need to be 'correct'. I've always been terrified of making mistakes, keeps me awake at night!, I had bad experiences in the past, really harsh severe punishments for the odd innocent mistake. So it stays with you too I guess, on top of having those tendencies anyway.