Life changes since diagnosis/self-realisation/identification

Alienatedhuman said:

Plus knowledge and understanding are powerful tools which help me navigate my life the way it’s more bearable for me, instead of trying to be someone who I’m not and never will be. 

I love this. 

Perfectly expressed and resonates with me.

Welcome. 

On one hand it feels like all my life has been explained and makes sense, on the other hand I’m tired of overthinking and processing old events again and again but there is some force that pushes me to do it. I just let myself experience what I do, but I also remember to come back to both my intense hobbies that I have, it helps me clean up my head a bit. Now I’m more compassionate towards myself and others. Plus knowledge and understanding are powerful tools which help me navigate my life the way it’s more bearable for me, instead of trying to be someone who I’m not and never will be. 

Thanks for replying Debbie

Ive just realised how long ago these posts were!

Thanks Pegg. It really isn’t easy but if I don’t try now I never will. If only it was easy to reinvent ourselves

Amerantin said:

. Don't know if that's over self awareness of my autism or just being out of practice. Probably a bit of both. But at least I'm trying

Good for you, it's not easy, I know

Take5 said:

Is this really a stim

I believe so (both 'habits').

Debbie said:

I probably ought to use something like the putty because I just pick and eat my fingers and they are always bleeding.

Me too

I have done this since forever, I also chew the inside of my cheek (right side only). Is this really a stim? 

Amerantin said:

But at least I'm trying.

Debbie said:

I hope this involves leaving your spreadsheet behind, leaving your house and meeting people!

I have been out much more than usual in the last couple of months - a number of work events, some involving travel, trying to spend more time in the office and even a handful of social events. I think I'm too conscious of myself in these situations now though. Don't know if that's over self awareness of my autism or just being out of practice. Probably a bit of both. But at least I'm trying.

Debbie said:

Lists of lists of lists.

You should see my phone! This is how I organise my life :)

Debbie said:

ps.  You must have a posh watch - mine just tells the time.

Gadgets are one of my main vices.

I'd forgotten I'd made this thread!

I can't even remember how OOS inspired me - they probably just told me to do it and I obeyed.

Amerantin said:

That said, I have recently (typically for me) started building a spreadsheet that details all the things I need to do to sort myself out. I need to change a lot of things, many small but some quite radical. Fingers crossed I can follow through in the coming months.

I hope this involves leaving your spreadsheet behind, leaving your house and meeting people!

Well done.

This is a really positive step.

I do lists - I'm not so good at spreadsheets.

Lists of lists of lists.

Amerantin said:

wearing loop earplugs when in these situations seems to dampen the anxiety right down and no more heart rate alerts,

That's great.

They don't make any difference to me but when I had my ears examined a while ago I was told I have very large ear holes!

LOL.

So I'm not just a freak with my big eyes, I have big ear holes too.

I probably ought to use something like the putty because I just pick and eat my fingers and they are always bleeding.

It's hard to change habits, but you are clearly working on it.

ps.  You must have a posh watch - mine just tells the time.

I've been thinking about this quite a lot recently. Unfortunately I think I may have lost hope and become more resigned to my situation since the diagnosis. As I look back on my life and re-process many events, I think my current situation was unavoidable and predestined. But if I'd been identified as a child perhaps life could have been so much better.  All which just makes me sad.

That said, I have recently (typically for me) started building a spreadsheet that details all the things I need to do to sort myself out. I need to change a lot of things, many small but some quite radical. Fingers crossed I can follow through in the coming months. I know I won't do it all, but even a fraction of it could make a real difference for me.

I have learned a few things in the months since my diagnosis though.

I was quite anxious a lot of the time, particularly at work and in social settings, but simply didn't realise it. One of the giveaways was my watch giving me high heart rate alerts but it was really down to my therapist making me more aware of what my body was telling me.  Anyway, I have learned some incredibly useful tools: wearing loop earplugs when in these situations seems to dampen the anxiety right down and no more heart rate alerts, but I can still hear what's going on.  Another thing I've started doing is stimming with therapy putty or handrollers when I'm in a long meeting or some other thing I can't escape from but need to focus. That has helped immensely. 

Thank you everyone.

I don't answer every post, but I do read them all.

There is a lot of food for thought here.

It does sadden me when others have negative experiences that are directly related to a diagnosis.

My diagnosis was positive for me, but then I am at a different life stage to many others.

If I'd had the diagnosis in my 20s I don't know how differently it might have affected me.

It's a known unknown (Donald Rumsfeld)

I hope it is ok to add, I also believe my mother is autistic and now lives on a hosptial ward with dementia. 

I was diagnosed last month. Im 46. I feel I can be ME without feeling I am needing to adpat and change, even though I find sensory overwhelm and it triggers anxiety, I now feel more confident BUT when I told my father he was very dismissing.....

Listening to audio books on female autism has been my first step which was recommended by the assessor

I don't know if I've changed much since being diagnosed. I probably have but I don't always register change and understand it when it occurs, actually it's more usual that someone tells me I've changed and that's when it registers otherwise it passes by undetected by me.

Also, have others changed in their atttitude to you?

Yes especially within my own family.

My parents have a bad attitude towards me, most people do and my parents always have. They see autism as a weakness and then feel they can use me because I'm unintelligent, quite the opposite actually but that's the way a lot of people see it. Including my parents. They constantly make comments about it and me.

Also, have you made any changes to your life that benefit you?

I've made myself more withdrawn from people. It works for me, less anxiety and eventually my loneliness subsided as well. I'm more of a solitary individual now.

Has it changed your thought processes/attitude to others/past life experiences etc etc?

Yes.

My thoughts are much different now than they were before I was diagnosed. I see things as a lot more pointless now, but a few years ago I used to see point in doing things but now I sort of feel it's a waste of my time and life, I gain nothing from doing it. So why bother?

That's how my thoughts are now but before my diagnosis I was a lot more positive and enjoyed doing things.

According to my family this is negative and makes me "cold" but I see it as a positive. 

Changing is difficult for me and over-time it is even-more difficult to evaluate how I have changed, I don’t really empathise with my past-self unless I trigger an association, that I have proceduralised through that previous-mindset. Instead I either have to relive it or trust in the reasoning of my previous-self.

Other’s-attitude has changed in the sense that, I can call upon considerations that I didn’t have available before, I am considered differently. I just hope that the self that has made hay earlier in the year, has made enough that I do not starve or become the prey of others in my discouragement.

I use different language that I did before, that language has a different effect on others, and staves off instances of anxiety more-frequently.. But I dont know really, perhaps I’m not the right mindset to make a thorough summary, its hard to have personal-regrets when my blinders are so effective in the bad-times..

Ben has been asleep all evening and has no memory at all of what he ate for dinner. He is now sitting up in bed and watching the news on TV.

Ben

Thank you. 

Also, the conventional 'life stages' that I didn't reach, or that happened out of  time, were put into a context too.

This helps a lot as sometimes it can feel as though a person fails at life if they don't 'achieve' these things, but in fact it's not a failure at all.

Here's the thread:

https://community.autism.org.uk/f/adults-on-the-autistic-spectrum/29598/life-stages-becoming-an-adult/306457#306457

Sparkles said:

What about you Debbie1?

Have things changed for you have you noticed more positives?

As I was diagnosed so late in life (60) a lot of my realisations have been retrospective.

So, the diagnosis put a lot of my life experiences, especially the negative ones, into a context.

It's been a positive change for me, and I'm sad to read how it can be negative for others (including yourself).

I think I'm a pretty calm person generally (not always!) but I think since I knew, I've been calmer and more at one with myself.

I have a very small circle of people I spend time with, and I haven't found that their attitude towards me has changed, although one friend I think doesn't really believe it.

I've used the diagnosis as a 'get out of jail free card' and have slithered out of social invites where I felt I could without causing too much offence.

The diagnosis has made me think about my autistic friend more than usual, as we were once in a relationship, as two undiagnosed autistic people.

The issues we had I can now see came down a lot to our neurodiversity.

Also, it's made me think even more about my late mother, who I now believe was autistic.

Before my diagnosis, I thought she was bipolar and/or had schizoaffective disorder and /or narcissism.

My autistic friend believed that she was autistic but because of so many other issues with her, I wasn't sure.

Now I feel as certain as I ever will, but I believe there were a lot of other mental issues going on as well.

I discovered this forum through my diagnosis, and that's helped a lot, to talk to other people who are on the same or similar wavelength and who share words here that resonate.