Autistic husband

I can identfy with lots of the issues you have as a married autistic man.  It is really going to be about compromise, its just wheather he will do that. His job is going to take up all his energy, I do IT support in schools and that is stressful enough, I see what teachers go through.

Some suggestions I have

1. Give him some time to decompress each day, make it a routine at a certian time. But insist he also makes time for the family, again as a routine.

2 does he have a special interest? Make time to do something based around that with him.

3. try and get time away from the kids, just the two of you, and somewhere quiet

4 For me I need my wife to be honest and direct with me, no ambiguity at all, I will not read between the lines, although we are all diffrent. However I also need time to think about what she says without giving an instant responce.

Your marage is very much worth working at, be kind to him, try and understand and hopefully you will get the same in responce. It is difficult but not impossible.

I'm the autistic one in my marriage, honestly it took a long time to get used to having to share a bed at all, the presence of someone else there turning over, leaning up against you, subconsiously stealing the covers in the night leaving you freezing, or snoring in the night is horrific when you are hyper sensitive to pretty much everything and just want to turn your brain off and sleep.
We had to fix this through trial and error over the best part of a decade and in the end turns out I don't have a "sleep disorder" it was just autistic hypersensitivity that had to be rectified by the following:

1. Other half wears nasal strips and accepts being rolled over with 0 warning.
2. Using a soft matress topper. (It might need to be put on upside down if it has a texture still feel-able through the sheet.
3. Going through a variety of pillows to find the best material and neck support.
4. Call time at the bar on romance after saying "goodnight", no cuddling, no petting, no touching of any kind after a certain time, sleep time is sleep time.
5. The bed isn't kingsize but the Duvet is, having an extra foot of duvet can be a big deal if one person tends to roll with their edge to the far side in their sleep.

As for retreating, that's really mostly because he probably doesn't feel like he'll be allowed the same peace and quite in the rest of the house, you'll have to devize a fix for this that works for you and your family but mine was an agreement with everyone else that they must keep the volume down and leave me alone for no less than 3 hours on a weekend and everyone else must go to bed/go upstairs at least a full hour before I need to so I can unwind in solitude. That way I can watch an evening movie with everyone on the sofa and still get alone time.
When going out I also get overwhelmed and not letting me escape before it gets to boiling point would always result in a meltdown, sounds weird but we now have a safeword for social situations where I get to just go back and sit in the car or for things like theme parks a predesignated regroup spot (usually a cafe or nook out of the way of most rides and through traffic) no questions asked while everyone else does their thing and then I rejoin them after I start feeling better again.
Maybe that's stuff you can try to adapt for your needs?

As the Autistic husband, I would say the best thing your husband can do is to have de-stress time. This might be difficult during the day but , if he ca, go fir a walk on his own or find somewhere quiet, even if it is fir a few minutes. Most important is time to himself when he gets home. I used to watch TV without speaking to my wife. I also take myself off to the kitchen to do the washing up and listen to a podcast. A further couple of hours in front of TV and I  am ready to talk but not after we go to bed. 

Hope this helps.

My mother had this complaint about my dad and after we broke up it turned out my ex had it about me too. Unless you have explicitly told your husband how you feel, he likely has no idea it's an issue.

Try to connect with him on his terms. What does he like doing? What does he like to talk about?

Autistic people need a certain amount of solitude. It's not a nice to have or optional thing, it's a need on the same level as sleep or shelter. If that need isn't being met, it's unlikely he'll function well on any level.

One of the biggest mistakes you can make is trying to make a relationship "normal." It's usually the "not normal" parts of a person that cause you to fall in love with them. If you try to make a relationship for every societal norm, you'll end up throwing out everything good about it.

As for someone to go on adventures with, there is no reason at all this has to be your husband. Decide what adventure you want to have and find a friend or someone else who is interested in doing that thing with you.

I had a job, for the last 9 years of working, where I had to interact with a fairly large number of people. I was managing scientific services in a university research institute. This was after 25 years as a researcher in a research group averaging 8 people. I found the change very challenging, and having to be sociable with so many people on a daily basis exhausted my social abilities. My family suffered from me being socially drained at work, and just needing to be on my own for most of the time when home. You should be aware that what comes without any effort for neurotypical people in socialising, making chit-chat, reading other people's expressions and mood etc., is done through conscious intellectual effort by autistic people, and it is exhausting. Imagine that you were an actor on stage for most of every week, having to remember lines and stage directions, that would be hugely exhausting, and this is essentially what all autistics in people-facing jobs do while at work. Apart from being a salesperson, I cannot think of a more draining job for an autistic person than being a teacher. I suspect that if your husband had a job with minimal interpersonal interactions he would be far more sociable at home. Apart from changing jobs, I can only suggest that you choose family outings to places with few other people present.

How would he feel about getting a diagnosis? If he got one he could ask for accommodations at work, like somewhere quiet alone to recharge at breaks instead of having to socialise with colleagues and mask. Or could he just find somewhere quiet to do this anyway? If he has sensory issues could he wear some kind of ear protection which still allows sound in but just reduced? Like unobtrusive transparent ear plugs. Or is he resistant to the possibility he might have problems or suggestions for help?

This must be very difficult for both of you. I can imagine he is very overwhelmed at work and at home and is in survival mode all the time. Is he any better during school breaks or does he have a lot of lesson prep and marking to do? He sounds like he is only just coping to work and support the family, he probably only has enough capacity to do one or the other, much as he might want to be able to help you, he just can't without it turning into a shut down or burn out situation which would be worse.

You said the activities you refer to at the weekends are not in fact too busy or places with "everyone there" so maybe he should try to come some of the time, not every weekend but not never? Especially if it was somewhere close by so the whole outing could maybe just be one hour rather than a whole day including maybe eating out or whatever, without knowing what it is you guys actually do.

Is there any way you can live more cheaply so one or both of you could reduce your working hours? Maybe even move somewhere cheaper, although that is a big change and a lot of effort and might not be possible. But if he needs to work then the only real way that he can become more involved is if his work because less stressful somehow. Unless he does have enough capacity at weekends to do maybe something, but less than what you would like, such as a one hour walk with you all every other week.

As Paul said, you two do need to spend some time together so you don't feel so alone. I understand the need for separate beds, but do you manage some intimacy even if not all night? Don't answer that as it's too private, just consider it. Not sure if talking is the best idea though, if he is too overwhelmed then maybe just sitting quietly together, maybe while you both do hobbies or watch tv. Does he have special interests he enjoys or is he too overwhelmed to even enjoy those any more? I hope he does manage to spend some time with you and the children, maybe eating meals together, I was going to put reading them a bedtime story but you don't say their ages and they might be far too old for that!

He probably misses you too. I'm sure he loves his kids but the relationship dynamic does change when kids arrive and you have to put so much of your attention into them, it is natural there is less left for each other, plus kids can be so loud and a sensory challenge for an autist. I hope you can manage to find a way to get closer again.

Teaching is tough for most people and when you are (undiagnosed) autistic it's really tough.  Personal experience and reflection is there's massive sensory overload each day from environment and interactions, plus a lot of transitioning and interruptions during the day without any time to pause. Autistic people are often perfectionists too. This added to the usual stress teachers have probably means the tank is empty quite early in the week. I realise now the social engagements I used to have at weekends mostly did nothing but further deplete this and were extra demands on top of every thing else. I don't have kids. Sorry I have no solutions but just wanted to share my experience.  

I appreciate your response Laura, I tried to make the questions not too personal as much as I could, just there were some things I felt needed information before I could even attempt advice.

There is something you put which stands out to me about you missing someone to have adventures with, going by that statement and the information you put in your question and response to me, would I be correct in thinking that at one point he was a bit more outgoing/caring in the relationship and that this has dwindled?

I do think some counselling for him would help, maybe a reassessment of his career, not necessarily to change his career, but maybe for him to look at ways at reducing the hours in some way if possible financially.

To me envisioning it, I'm imagining him going to work on Monday for starting school hours, running classes and trying to keep a handle on the children and class dynamics, probably masking with all of his colleagues during interactions, breaks, getting home and bolting in his office to just recharge to get through the next day (that's not even taking paperwork into account).

Repeat for Tuesday, Wednesday etc. by the time the weekend has come I am guessing he is fully shutdown?

I am guessing he masks around the kids he teaches just as much as his colleagues, he might be struggling to not do that around his own children, if he does it so often it may have become "default". (I say that as a guess not a judgement or something I know)

I'll ask one more question, again you don't have to answer, do you spend any time together just you and him, no children?

If not I'd say if possible, find a way to make that possible at the weekend, any trusted grandparents or friends that can look after the kids for a few hours?, any community or social groups that your children could join that are autistic aware? (they don't tend to advertise themselves and it can take some digging)

Again if there is no personal time just for the two of you, I'd say be very "outcome oriented" about achieving this, it might help re establish an environment for both of you where he starts to feel comfortable again as a "husband and father" not as a "teacher", he might become more receptive to what you have to say (because he won't be shutdown) and to taking certain actions. (which could be a reassessment of career elements or seeking counselling)

I've never been in a relationship myself, even so it comes across like there has become a bit of a drift in your relationship with each, not really either of your fault, but maybe as a result of escalating outside elements to your husbands work.

I don't know how much or what you've tried, I know you've tried your best and are exhausted and my advice is going to require you try a bit more but hopefully with a solid outcome. I'll put it in steps for ease of easing, ultimately you know your family best and it's up to you to consider if it could be effective or not.

1. Find someway, if you can, to get the kids away for an hour (or hopefully a few more) at the weekend. (if your husband is a routine type individual try to get a guaranteed time slot)

2. Communicate a wish to spend time with him, him alone and at home at first, the aim is to do absolutely nothing except talk, during this time, just for both of you to be there, if he agrees it gets him out of the office and it gives you a break. (I'd say make it clear that the aim is to just spend time together, not to have a particular conversation in a particular way, I don't know how much of an overthinker your husband is, how much he has too mask or how anxious he gets about masking or overthinks beforehand about having to do it soon might be abetter way to put it)

3. get him used to this over a few weeks, basically instead of getting him out of his comfort zone it's getting him to change how he views his comfort zone, eventually it has to include the house, you and the kids. ( he might always bolt to the office at times, but this should be sparingly or maybe immediately after work and only for an hour at most I'd say)

4. It's around this time I'd start having conversations around his work, the effects, how you're feeling, keeping it all equal but trying to broach the concept of counselling of career discussions.

5. once a more healthy personal relationship has started between the two of you, I'd start to get him involved with the kids at home, even if the kids view him as a father and not as a teacher, he might be struggling with the concept of playing "teacher" around his kids. 

Hopefully this can give you actionable advice Laura, hopefully I haven't come across as offensive with any of it, not my intention, ultimately it's just food for thought.

Thank you Dan. 

I have tried that before and he knows exactly how I feel but it just doesn't change anything. Thank you though Zoë. X

Thank you Paul. He is a teacher, he works a 50 hour week so it is all consuming during term time. The children and I just like to go for walks or anything really, my son is diagnosed autistic and he hates noise so we don't do anything too busy. My husband will come out if pushed but it's always grumpy if he does so it's kind of easier if he doesn't but I am lonely and exhausted myself as I work a 35 hour week and try to keep everyone happy at home too. I sometimes feel as though I take care of everyone and I'd like someone to take care of me for a bit. 

I'll put a reply and I don't presume to judge or know your husband or you, I do have five questions though;

1. What is his job role? (loosely, not asking for location or anything personal like that, more so I can envision the social dynamics he'd be involved in)

2. What are his work week hours? (9 to 5 everyday or more)

3. What kind of activities is it that you and the kids are interested in?

4. Are you aware of him having any sound sensory issues? (chatter of background people etc.)

5. Is he willing to do these activities if he is allowed to take the "social" backseat or is he just straight not willing at all?

You don't have to answer these questions, it's just that any advice given could be too general because there isn't enough to take into account.

It could be counselling that's is needed, it could be a job change, it could be anything, hard to give some probable solutions without information.

I wonder if it would help to write him a letter. If you verbally speak to him about how everything is affecting you he may find it too hard to reply rationally. But a letter means he has time to process and understand before reacting. 

Ok, a lot to unpack here. I’m on the other side of things. Diagnosed autistic husband to neurotypical wife, no kids as of yet. 

I think the two of you could use some counselling to start with. I definitely get that his life is probably quite difficult, but I think you do need to make clear to him that there does need to be compromise on his side. I expect that to be a difficult conversation and for him to respond badly to it, I know I have in the past. Just approach it calmly, don’t get angry, do your best to be clear and precise, and include plenty of reassurance.

A change of job may be in order as it sounds like it’s  consuming his life in a negative way, but that certainly a big change and not always possible financially. I find working from home useful.

Finally, a really simple one, sleep in the same bed, but have different blankets, it how me and my wife do it, and it works well. It means I have my separate space in the bed, not at risk of being touched, but we’re with each other to give each comfort when needed. And you know, sex.

Hope that helps, happy to give more of perspective on the other side if you think it would help.

Dan.