Autistic husband

I'll put a reply and I don't presume to judge or know your husband or you, I do have five questions though;

1. What is his job role? (loosely, not asking for location or anything personal like that, more so I can envision the social dynamics he'd be involved in)

2. What are his work week hours? (9 to 5 everyday or more)

3. What kind of activities is it that you and the kids are interested in?

4. Are you aware of him having any sound sensory issues? (chatter of background people etc.)

5. Is he willing to do these activities if he is allowed to take the "social" backseat or is he just straight not willing at all?

You don't have to answer these questions, it's just that any advice given could be too general because there isn't enough to take into account.

It could be counselling that's is needed, it could be a job change, it could be anything, hard to give some probable solutions without information.

Thank you Paul. He is a teacher, he works a 50 hour week so it is all consuming during term time. The children and I just like to go for walks or anything really, my son is diagnosed autistic and he hates noise so we don't do anything too busy. My husband will come out if pushed but it's always grumpy if he does so it's kind of easier if he doesn't but I am lonely and exhausted myself as I work a 35 hour week and try to keep everyone happy at home too. I sometimes feel as though I take care of everyone and I'd like someone to take care of me for a bit. 

I appreciate your response Laura, I tried to make the questions not too personal as much as I could, just there were some things I felt needed information before I could even attempt advice.

There is something you put which stands out to me about you missing someone to have adventures with, going by that statement and the information you put in your question and response to me, would I be correct in thinking that at one point he was a bit more outgoing/caring in the relationship and that this has dwindled?

I do think some counselling for him would help, maybe a reassessment of his career, not necessarily to change his career, but maybe for him to look at ways at reducing the hours in some way if possible financially.

To me envisioning it, I'm imagining him going to work on Monday for starting school hours, running classes and trying to keep a handle on the children and class dynamics, probably masking with all of his colleagues during interactions, breaks, getting home and bolting in his office to just recharge to get through the next day (that's not even taking paperwork into account).

Repeat for Tuesday, Wednesday etc. by the time the weekend has come I am guessing he is fully shutdown?

I am guessing he masks around the kids he teaches just as much as his colleagues, he might be struggling to not do that around his own children, if he does it so often it may have become "default". (I say that as a guess not a judgement or something I know)

I'll ask one more question, again you don't have to answer, do you spend any time together just you and him, no children?

If not I'd say if possible, find a way to make that possible at the weekend, any trusted grandparents or friends that can look after the kids for a few hours?, any community or social groups that your children could join that are autistic aware? (they don't tend to advertise themselves and it can take some digging)

Again if there is no personal time just for the two of you, I'd say be very "outcome oriented" about achieving this, it might help re establish an environment for both of you where he starts to feel comfortable again as a "husband and father" not as a "teacher", he might become more receptive to what you have to say (because he won't be shutdown) and to taking certain actions. (which could be a reassessment of career elements or seeking counselling)

I've never been in a relationship myself, even so it comes across like there has become a bit of a drift in your relationship with each, not really either of your fault, but maybe as a result of escalating outside elements to your husbands work.

I don't know how much or what you've tried, I know you've tried your best and are exhausted and my advice is going to require you try a bit more but hopefully with a solid outcome. I'll put it in steps for ease of easing, ultimately you know your family best and it's up to you to consider if it could be effective or not.

1. Find someway, if you can, to get the kids away for an hour (or hopefully a few more) at the weekend. (if your husband is a routine type individual try to get a guaranteed time slot)

2. Communicate a wish to spend time with him, him alone and at home at first, the aim is to do absolutely nothing except talk, during this time, just for both of you to be there, if he agrees it gets him out of the office and it gives you a break. (I'd say make it clear that the aim is to just spend time together, not to have a particular conversation in a particular way, I don't know how much of an overthinker your husband is, how much he has too mask or how anxious he gets about masking or overthinks beforehand about having to do it soon might be abetter way to put it)

3. get him used to this over a few weeks, basically instead of getting him out of his comfort zone it's getting him to change how he views his comfort zone, eventually it has to include the house, you and the kids. ( he might always bolt to the office at times, but this should be sparingly or maybe immediately after work and only for an hour at most I'd say)

4. It's around this time I'd start having conversations around his work, the effects, how you're feeling, keeping it all equal but trying to broach the concept of counselling of career discussions.

5. once a more healthy personal relationship has started between the two of you, I'd start to get him involved with the kids at home, even if the kids view him as a father and not as a teacher, he might be struggling with the concept of playing "teacher" around his kids. 

Hopefully this can give you actionable advice Laura, hopefully I haven't come across as offensive with any of it, not my intention, ultimately it's just food for thought.

I appreciate your response Laura, I tried to make the questions not too personal as much as I could, just there were some things I felt needed information before I could even attempt advice.

There is something you put which stands out to me about you missing someone to have adventures with, going by that statement and the information you put in your question and response to me, would I be correct in thinking that at one point he was a bit more outgoing/caring in the relationship and that this has dwindled?

I do think some counselling for him would help, maybe a reassessment of his career, not necessarily to change his career, but maybe for him to look at ways at reducing the hours in some way if possible financially.

To me envisioning it, I'm imagining him going to work on Monday for starting school hours, running classes and trying to keep a handle on the children and class dynamics, probably masking with all of his colleagues during interactions, breaks, getting home and bolting in his office to just recharge to get through the next day (that's not even taking paperwork into account).

Repeat for Tuesday, Wednesday etc. by the time the weekend has come I am guessing he is fully shutdown?

I am guessing he masks around the kids he teaches just as much as his colleagues, he might be struggling to not do that around his own children, if he does it so often it may have become "default". (I say that as a guess not a judgement or something I know)

I'll ask one more question, again you don't have to answer, do you spend any time together just you and him, no children?

If not I'd say if possible, find a way to make that possible at the weekend, any trusted grandparents or friends that can look after the kids for a few hours?, any community or social groups that your children could join that are autistic aware? (they don't tend to advertise themselves and it can take some digging)

Again if there is no personal time just for the two of you, I'd say be very "outcome oriented" about achieving this, it might help re establish an environment for both of you where he starts to feel comfortable again as a "husband and father" not as a "teacher", he might become more receptive to what you have to say (because he won't be shutdown) and to taking certain actions. (which could be a reassessment of career elements or seeking counselling)

I've never been in a relationship myself, even so it comes across like there has become a bit of a drift in your relationship with each, not really either of your fault, but maybe as a result of escalating outside elements to your husbands work.

I don't know how much or what you've tried, I know you've tried your best and are exhausted and my advice is going to require you try a bit more but hopefully with a solid outcome. I'll put it in steps for ease of easing, ultimately you know your family best and it's up to you to consider if it could be effective or not.

1. Find someway, if you can, to get the kids away for an hour (or hopefully a few more) at the weekend. (if your husband is a routine type individual try to get a guaranteed time slot)

2. Communicate a wish to spend time with him, him alone and at home at first, the aim is to do absolutely nothing except talk, during this time, just for both of you to be there, if he agrees it gets him out of the office and it gives you a break. (I'd say make it clear that the aim is to just spend time together, not to have a particular conversation in a particular way, I don't know how much of an overthinker your husband is, how much he has too mask or how anxious he gets about masking or overthinks beforehand about having to do it soon might be abetter way to put it)

3. get him used to this over a few weeks, basically instead of getting him out of his comfort zone it's getting him to change how he views his comfort zone, eventually it has to include the house, you and the kids. ( he might always bolt to the office at times, but this should be sparingly or maybe immediately after work and only for an hour at most I'd say)

4. It's around this time I'd start having conversations around his work, the effects, how you're feeling, keeping it all equal but trying to broach the concept of counselling of career discussions.

5. once a more healthy personal relationship has started between the two of you, I'd start to get him involved with the kids at home, even if the kids view him as a father and not as a teacher, he might be struggling with the concept of playing "teacher" around his kids. 

Hopefully this can give you actionable advice Laura, hopefully I haven't come across as offensive with any of it, not my intention, ultimately it's just food for thought.