Autistic husband

How would he feel about getting a diagnosis? If he got one he could ask for accommodations at work, like somewhere quiet alone to recharge at breaks instead of having to socialise with colleagues and mask. Or could he just find somewhere quiet to do this anyway? If he has sensory issues could he wear some kind of ear protection which still allows sound in but just reduced? Like unobtrusive transparent ear plugs. Or is he resistant to the possibility he might have problems or suggestions for help?

This must be very difficult for both of you. I can imagine he is very overwhelmed at work and at home and is in survival mode all the time. Is he any better during school breaks or does he have a lot of lesson prep and marking to do? He sounds like he is only just coping to work and support the family, he probably only has enough capacity to do one or the other, much as he might want to be able to help you, he just can't without it turning into a shut down or burn out situation which would be worse.

You said the activities you refer to at the weekends are not in fact too busy or places with "everyone there" so maybe he should try to come some of the time, not every weekend but not never? Especially if it was somewhere close by so the whole outing could maybe just be one hour rather than a whole day including maybe eating out or whatever, without knowing what it is you guys actually do.

Is there any way you can live more cheaply so one or both of you could reduce your working hours? Maybe even move somewhere cheaper, although that is a big change and a lot of effort and might not be possible. But if he needs to work then the only real way that he can become more involved is if his work because less stressful somehow. Unless he does have enough capacity at weekends to do maybe something, but less than what you would like, such as a one hour walk with you all every other week.

As Paul said, you two do need to spend some time together so you don't feel so alone. I understand the need for separate beds, but do you manage some intimacy even if not all night? Don't answer that as it's too private, just consider it. Not sure if talking is the best idea though, if he is too overwhelmed then maybe just sitting quietly together, maybe while you both do hobbies or watch tv. Does he have special interests he enjoys or is he too overwhelmed to even enjoy those any more? I hope he does manage to spend some time with you and the children, maybe eating meals together, I was going to put reading them a bedtime story but you don't say their ages and they might be far too old for that!

He probably misses you too. I'm sure he loves his kids but the relationship dynamic does change when kids arrive and you have to put so much of your attention into them, it is natural there is less left for each other, plus kids can be so loud and a sensory challenge for an autist. I hope you can manage to find a way to get closer again.

How would he feel about getting a diagnosis? If he got one he could ask for accommodations at work, like somewhere quiet alone to recharge at breaks instead of having to socialise with colleagues and mask. Or could he just find somewhere quiet to do this anyway? If he has sensory issues could he wear some kind of ear protection which still allows sound in but just reduced? Like unobtrusive transparent ear plugs. Or is he resistant to the possibility he might have problems or suggestions for help?

This must be very difficult for both of you. I can imagine he is very overwhelmed at work and at home and is in survival mode all the time. Is he any better during school breaks or does he have a lot of lesson prep and marking to do? He sounds like he is only just coping to work and support the family, he probably only has enough capacity to do one or the other, much as he might want to be able to help you, he just can't without it turning into a shut down or burn out situation which would be worse.

You said the activities you refer to at the weekends are not in fact too busy or places with "everyone there" so maybe he should try to come some of the time, not every weekend but not never? Especially if it was somewhere close by so the whole outing could maybe just be one hour rather than a whole day including maybe eating out or whatever, without knowing what it is you guys actually do.

Is there any way you can live more cheaply so one or both of you could reduce your working hours? Maybe even move somewhere cheaper, although that is a big change and a lot of effort and might not be possible. But if he needs to work then the only real way that he can become more involved is if his work because less stressful somehow. Unless he does have enough capacity at weekends to do maybe something, but less than what you would like, such as a one hour walk with you all every other week.

As Paul said, you two do need to spend some time together so you don't feel so alone. I understand the need for separate beds, but do you manage some intimacy even if not all night? Don't answer that as it's too private, just consider it. Not sure if talking is the best idea though, if he is too overwhelmed then maybe just sitting quietly together, maybe while you both do hobbies or watch tv. Does he have special interests he enjoys or is he too overwhelmed to even enjoy those any more? I hope he does manage to spend some time with you and the children, maybe eating meals together, I was going to put reading them a bedtime story but you don't say their ages and they might be far too old for that!

He probably misses you too. I'm sure he loves his kids but the relationship dynamic does change when kids arrive and you have to put so much of your attention into them, it is natural there is less left for each other, plus kids can be so loud and a sensory challenge for an autist. I hope you can manage to find a way to get closer again.